****
Most of the first journal was about her sixteenth year and the ups and downs of her and Bobby’s relationship. The Garners were the largest family in Sunny. Most people claim to be related to the family in one way or another. Buford Garner was the first mayor of Sunny and the second largest landowner—next to Pop. Bobby and Burt Garner (Buford’s great-grand sons) built and owned most of the businesses in town including the veterinary clinic and the only Laundromat.
I flipped through the pages reading her personal thoughts. She wrote lines and lines about Bobby, and the girls who were mean to her. She went on about having to help with the housework, and she seemed to utterly hate church. She made many comments about the Preacher and how she disagreed with almost everything he said. She seemed like a typical teenager until I turned to the page dated January 3, 1984 on that day she wrote:
****
Daddy took me to Sweetwater today to see Doctor Peters. He checked my ears and said everything looked like it should. He gave me some antibiotics because he thinks I could have burst an eardrum or something. He didn’t want me to get an infection and said the pills would help. My ears were roaring so loud I could barely hear what he was saying. I didn’t even want to eat supper because Daddy kept asking me what was wrong and couldn’t tell him, I don’t know. I acted as if I were sick to my stomach and waited until he had gone to bed, and then I went into the kitchen and ate the leftovers. I can’t sleep because of the freight train running through my body. The noise is unbearable it never stops.
****
January 5, 1984
I scream out loud and hear nothing. I can’t hear my heartbeat I can’t hear my breathing. I hear nothing but the roar and my head pounds. I cry all day and all night. I don’t know what to do. Daddy writes notes to me, and I try to answer without yelling. I have no way of knowing how loud or quiet I am. My life is over. Bobby came by to see me, and Daddy sent him away. He told him I wasn't good. I believe that to be a huge understatement. I missed the first day back at school after Christmas break. I was supposed to turn in a book report, but reading has become impossible.
****
January 9, 1984
Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday, and yesterday I received an early birthday gift—the roaring stopped and the talking began. The talking goes on in my head for hours on end and when it stops I hear rumbles of voices in the background. I know when the talking will start because the mumble grows louder and louder and then out of nowhere I’ll hear a voice. That voice repeats itself relentlessly while other voices begin talking over each other each voice saying something different. I told Daddy what was happening and he set up an appointment with another Doctor. This one is in Abilene. She wrote a book. I heard Daddy on the phone with the Doctor, and he said my mother was mentally ill before she killed herself. I’ve heard the gossip and people have always given me a look of pity when they talk about my mother—but I’ve never heard Daddy talk about her that way.
****
I was brought back to reality by the doorbell, not one but multiple rings followed by knocking. I opened the door, and Jim stood there with a look of worry on his face. I let him in; neither of us said a word not even a simple greeting. I hadn’t noticed the sun going down, and the room was almost dark. I scrambled around him to turn on a light and picked up the journals that were strewn across the couch. He sat for all of a second and then stood up and started to pace around the small room.
“Something wrong?” I asked. “Obviously there’s something wrong or you wouldn’t be here past nine on a Saturday. Got to get to bed early so you can get up for church in the morning isn’t that what Polly used to always say?” I laughed, Jim didn’t.
“Sit down I need to talk to you,” he said.
I sat, continued to neaten the journals then placed them under the coffee table out of sight. “What’s up chuck?” I laughed again—nervously waiting for the shoe to drop.
“Jima told me about the house, and the journals.”
“Ok. Do you want an explanation?”
“Let me finish what I want to say. I know all about it, and I’m fixing to tell you right now how this situation’s going to pan out. I’m going to lock up that house, and we’re going to forget it ever existed. Do you understand me? We will not let anyone know that house is there. Better yet we need to tear it down.”
“Excuse me? You’re kidding right? I’m not tearing my house down. It’s a miracle it’s still there I’m not going to destroy it.”
“You don’t have a choice. That house has to go. This is serious. You told me you came here to mend what you had broken. You said you wanted to farm and be one of us again.”
“I said I wanted to farm, but I never said I wanted to be a part of the town again. I never said that not once.”
“How is it that you plan to farm here without being accepted by the very people who will sell you seed and buy your crop? Do you think these people will help you of their own free will? Is that what you think? Jason had to tell Bradley that he wouldn’t sell him this year’s seed crop if he didn’t let us use that backhoe. Hell I even had to bribe Miss Black’s son so he wouldn’t kick your ass out of this house once he found out you was signing the lease. Don’t kid yourself into thinking anyone in this town is happy you came back. The field being cleaned so fast has already got them all up in arms. They’re just waiting for the next thing to happen, and uncovering that house would be it. That house doesn’t exist. Not to you, me or anyone.”
“You’re wrong. You’re all wrong, every one of you. That house does exist and it exists for me and only me. Do you think I give a flying fuck what anyone thinks or says about me? I don’t. I didn’t come here to make friends. This is hardly what I’d be doing if I had a choice. I came here because I couldn’t stay in Dallas any longer and this is my home. I was born in that house. It’s the only place I have, and the land is mine. I will farm the land, and I will live in that house. It’s the only thing I have that was my mother’s. I will keep it and I will defend it till I breathe my last.”
“I hope that’s not what it takes. No one’s going to make this easy for you.”
“Not even you?”
“I don’t know. I can’t follow you blindly into some abyss. I have to think about it and how it will affect my family especially Jima. God woman you get on my last nerve. That house has to go.”
“The house stays. It’s my land. I have the deed. The house is on that land and what I say goes. The house stays,” I stood my ground. “How many acres do I have? I thought Pop had a little over six hundred?”
“There is but he never plowed the back two hundred,” Jim said.
“Why?”
“Hell I don’t know. What does it matter?”
“So the land goes deep into the hills, right?”
“Don’t get those wheels turning again. You’re not going to clear that land. I thought you wanted people to think you were different than your mother, but you’re acting,” he stopped short.
“Crazy? That’s the second time you’ve called me that word. I think it’s all y’all that’s crazy. I think any town that would burn a woman’s house to the ground with her and a baby inside are the crazy people. Why did they burn it Jim? Don’t you remember that part of the story? Why’d they do it?” I asked.
“Let’s not do this,” he said.
“Why are you backing down now? Let’s find out who the crazies are here.”
“I didn’t mean it that way it’s just a figure of speech. You need to calm down and talk about this in a reasonable fashion.”
“So now I’m unreasonable? Well I think it was unreasonable what they did to her. Why did they do it? I don’t think I heard you,” I said, every word louder than the one before.
“Fine. You want to do this then we we’ll do this. They burned her house down because she had sex with almost every man in town and then told them their futures. Is that what you want to hear? They burned her house to stop her from doing the th
ings she did. They thought what she did was evil. They thought she was evil. Is that what you want me to say? I’m not saying they were right. I think they had their reasons for doing what they did. For God’s sake Shanna, she predicted Bobby Garner would die and he did—the time and date every detail. Most people still believe she caused that accident. Emotions got too high and rowdy. I don’t think anyone really meant for it to end the way it did,” Jim was exhausted. He was talking himself into a corner and knew it.
“You can’t be serious. He died in Houston Jim—Houston. How did she get to Houston and back before the next day when they killed her?” Then, I understood what he was saying. He wasn’t accusing her of causing the accident. “She didn’t curse anyone. She was sick not evil. She was sick and needed someone to help her. Who helped her? Did she walk down Main Street and beg those men to follow her home? She didn’t do anything they didn’t want her to do. They knew she wouldn’t fight them off, she couldn’t. I believe they burned the house and her because they wanted me dead. I was proof of one man’s sin and that man wanted to get rid of me.”
“Oh come on. You know that’s not true,” he said.
“I know nothing of the sort. I know it’s the truth I accept. You can accept whatever truth you want but that is mine.”
“You’re angry. You’ve been angry since you heard that story. You’re doing this out of vengeance to get some sort of retribution.”
“So what if I am. I have every right to be angry.”
“Don’t you ever get tired of it? Don’t you ever want to live a quiet peaceful life? Isn’t all that anger tiresome?”
“No,” I lied.
“Well it is for me. I may not be the most important man in the world, but I live my life with peace and dignity, and I try to make wise decisions that won’t harm other people.”
“You lied to everyone about Jima. Is that peaceful for you? Was it a wise decision that she should never know the truth?”
Jim’s eyes relaxed as they blankly stared at me. We stood in the silent house face to face. I wanted him to see my side of the story. Maybe it would be different if he put himself in my shoes.
“Why did you feel like you had to lie about Vicky being raped?”
“I didn’t. It’s what Vicky wanted. She didn’t want pity.”
“You went along with her lie, and silence equals approval.”
“I won’t hurt Jima, blood or not she’s mine. I won’t hurt her and swear if you,” he pointed at me.
I grabbed his hand. I couldn’t be this mean to him. “I won’t say a word to Jima. I wouldn’t do that please believe me. I shouldn’t have implied. I just wanted you to see my side.”
Jim pulled his body away from my touch. “There are no sides. That’s what I’m trying to get you to see. There is no battle. It’s all in the past and that’s where it should stay but letting people know about that house or see it… well that’s just dredging up the past and everything the past brings with it.”
“I’m tired Jim. My head hurts my heart hurts, and I’m tired.”
I leaned forward to lay my head on his chest, and it was like hugging a stone statue. “Don’t be mad. We can be mad again tomorrow but right now let’s just be nothing.” He lifted me off his chest made sure I was steady on my feet and backed away.
“We can’t do this anymore. I take the blame for what has happened up to now, but we have to stop this now. I’ll be your friend and I’ll help with your crop as much as I’m able but no more of this.” He pointed to himself and then me. Indicating no more us, no more kissing, no more hugging.
This was painful. No one had rejected my hugs—or me—for ten years while I lived in the bubble of safety and comfort created by Tim and Marla. Who was he to say those words? I was the one who couldn’t connect to him. Did he think I wanted more? It was just a hug between friends for Christ’s sake who the hell does he think he is? “That’ll make it easier for both of us in the long run,” I said.
“Tomorrow’s Sunday and church,” he said. “Let’s take some time to think this over. You know how superstition runs wild around here during planting season. Anything you might decide to do could bring a dark cloud over this town. It’s not the right time to stir the pot.”
“Ultimately Jim it’s my decision not yours. You have no control and get no blame so don’t worry about it.”
“Easier said than done,” he said.
8.
I didn’t sleep well that Saturday night. My thoughts were consumed with questions. Marla taught me to buck the system and never follow the crowd. Inevitably they would be headed in the wrong direction. Tim’s favorite phrase was, show me a man without an ego and I’ll show you a loser every time. I decided I’d move into Momma’s house, and be damn proud of it. A house lit up and not hidden isn’t easily destroyed.
The sun rose and drove the temperature up to ninety degrees by nine AM. The crew had remained a mumble, and I (briefly) thought about going to church, but decided I’d rather not so I turned the thermostat down to sixty, wrapped myself in a blanket, and sat on the couch with a soda and bag of cheesy puffs. I turned on the TV with my trusty clicker and flipped through the thirteen channels provided by the local cable company for a fee of twenty-nine ninety five—and decided I needed an upgrade. More than half of the channels were airing Sunday services at various religious denominations throughout the area the other half were news channels. I tuned in to a national news station, and was alarmed to see another story about Doctor Marla Todd and her book. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever go away.
“Good Sunday morning!” Mack the show host said as he turned into his close-up. The background screen showed a mangled pile of metal and cement. He held up the book with its familiar red cover. The title Patient: Crew was in black block letters across the front. “Was this yet another avoidable tragedy predicted in the now known as prophetic book Patient: Crew? Where is Doctor Marla Todd the author of these books? Has she vanished or will she come forward and give us some well-deserved answers to our many questions? The most important of those questions being who is Patient Crew? This is our focus today on Showbiz Showcase. I’m Mack Trenton your host.” The network cut to a commercial and I made some microwave popcorn.
After the commercial break, Mack introduced his guests. A cute, tiny girly girl appropriately named Barbie was first. She represented the common reader and was convinced the first book had saved her life. The other guest was a dark haired skinny man. He was a psychiatrist from New York. He called the reaction to the books nothing more than psychotic mass-hysteria and was peddling a book using said phrase.
“Let’s begin with you Barbie,” Mack said.
Barbie sat up straight in her seat and was ready to take the floor. “This is a quote from the first book entitled Patient: Crew,” she cleared her throat. “On January third, two thousand and three Joseph says: Eight years time plus eight days Thomas P. and Bagley will fall at midday. Go not near him.” She closed her eyes and the smile left her face. “On January eleventh, two thousand and eleven at three o’clock in the afternoon The Bagley Building which was built by Thomas Peters, and formerly known as the Thomas P. Building literally fell, killing thirty-six people. I was one of the over two thousand people who survived because of the book. We all read it in the book. We all knew what it meant.”
“You have fallen prey to typical psychotic mass-hysteria,” the Doctor said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“George Phillips is our other guest today. He is the head of Psychiatry at New York Hospital in Manhattan. Welcome George.” The men shared a head nod.
“Now, you say it’s all just coincidental but I have to tell you I’ve read the books and I’m becoming a believer. Does this mean I’m following the pack into psychosis?”
“Don’t beat yourself up Mack. We all fall for snake oil occasionally.” They laughed together.
My anger was rising as I listened. I felt cold. I wanted those books to disappear. I wanted to be in Dallas with Tim and Ma
rla. I missed them more every day. I would have given my life for one more day with them.
“It’s a simple case of psychotic mass-hysteria. This was one prediction out of thousands that actually if I might,” he held his hands up and used his fingers to create air quotation marks. “‘Came true’. No one wants to discuss the so-called prophecies that didn’t come true. Even a broken clock tells the right time twice daily,” George smirked.
Barbie was frustrated. “The only reason the others didn’t as you say come true is because the people interpreting the books are wrong. It doesn’t mean the book is wrong it means we are wrong. But, there are people who are smart and they are cracking the code.” I growled at the set, turned it off, grabbed my bag and Momma’s notebooks from under the coffee table and found an oil lamp and matches in the kitchen. I poured coffee in my travel mug and locked the door behind me.
I drove down the dirt road—which serves as a property line between my land and Burton Evens’—that led to the acreage behind the field. I parked as close to the tree line as the little car would go without getting stuck. After getting a flashlight from the glove box, and with the bag on my arm—now stuffed with notebooks both Momma’s and mine—the oil lamp and coffee in one hand, and flashlight in the other I started for the trail. I laughed out loud at my clumsiness while trying to carry so much and find my way through the brush. I searched for the path Jima had taken me down and saw a single rose on the ground that looked so oddly out of place among the weeds and brush that I went to it. My instincts were right. The out of place rose was followed by others and laid out a path through the brush and prickle bushes straight to the house. I found the door easily and as expected it opened. The trees blocked all the natural light and heat. I lit the oil lamp, set it on the table between the two wooden chairs and turned up its wick. The light from the lamp caused the walls to emit a golden glow that filled the house. Little vases full of cut roses were placed on the table. Their sweet fragrance filled my body with warmth.
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