But more than anything ... he didn’t have time. He needed to get back home. And he didn’t want to start a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t that he couldn’t remain faithful. No doubt there. But he didn’t think he could leave her without it killing him. He had to convince her that they belonged together. But how do you accomplish that with someone who doesn’t believe in happiness?
Jaynee awoke to strong arms embracing her for the second morning. “Mmm, I could get used to this,” she mumbled sleepily as she attempted to burrow herself deeper into the crux of Jordan’s arms.
Jordan squeezed her shoulders. “That’s a very good thing, because I don’t want to let you go.”
She sighed but didn’t look at his face to see his expression. He’d made his position on what he’d wanted clear last night. The ball was entirely in her court. She had to decide if she could trust her instincts. It wasn’t an easy thing to do when you’ve made errors in judgment your entire life.
“Are you awake now, darlin’?” he asked, a playful lilt in his tone.
“Uh-uh. It’s Saturday. I don’t have to be anywhere. I don’t want to get up.”
“Who said anything about getting out of bed?” he drawled.
He lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes, then kissed her head, her cheekbones. He brushed the hair off her neck, continuing to plant kisses down her neck and under her ear.
Chills ran down her body as he grazed his fingers down the length of her side. He trailed his hand further, down her waist, her thigh, then wrapped his large hand behind her knee and hitched her leg over his.
Her body shivered with anticipation.
His hands were like magic as they caressed her exposed skin. Every square inch of her body reacted to his touches, and she couldn’t keep herself from moaning with satisfaction. Something she’d never done in the past. She’d never felt comfortable with a man before Jordan. The thought of someone touching her had always made her uneasy.
With Jordan, everything felt different. She hungered for his touch, the intimacy of his embrace, to feel loved. That was it ... She felt his love right through his fingertips.
“Jaynee,” he said on a sigh.
Her body quivered when he whispered her name. But as before, he stopped short of anything sexual. He gathered her tightly against his body. There was no mistake that he was as aroused as she was.
“Please don’t stop, Jordan. Your touch is incredible.” She groaned in exasperation.
He gripped her tighter, releasing another sigh. He was serious. He wasn’t going to make love to her until she admitted she loved him.
Why couldn’t she just say it? She did love him. She knew she’d be happy with him forever. Hadn’t she admitted to her grandmother that he was the man she was going to marry?
“I can’t, Jaynee. I’m sorry.” His voice was raspy as if he were holding back some emotion. “Not until you realize you love me, too.”
“Jordan, you have ... I mean ... you have made love before, right?” What on earth made her ask such a question? He was twenty-seven years old and too incredible not to have made love to a woman before.
Jordan looked at Jaynee solemnly as he thought about his answer. “I’ve had sex, yes. But I can honestly say now that I’ve never made love. I’ve never cared before I met you. I don’t understand either, but I just can’t.” He stared into her eyes. “And you? I know you have, but —” He couldn’t form the words to ask the question he didn’t want to hear the answer. The thought of her with someone else angered him. What was wrong with him?
“Only with one person,” she said through a whisper, apparently still hesitant to reveal anything from her past. “I thought it was love, but now I realize it never was. I wish I’d never met him. I wish it had been you, Jordan. I never felt about him the way I already feel about you, and we were together almost three years.”
Now we’re getting somewhere, he thought.
He didn’t want to hear about her former lover but was thankful to hear she’d only had one. And even better, she was opening up and admitting she had feelings for him.
He took a deep breath. He had to ask, and he knew he was going to hate hearing about her former relationship, since he was pretty sure that something had happened to her, but it was the only way to get her to open up. “What happened?”
Chapter Nine
Jaynee sighed heavily in response to Jordan wanting to know about her past. Was it time? He’d said he didn’t care, but would he leave when he found out she was damaged merchandise ... that she’d never be able to escape her demons?
Decision made, she pulled herself upright. “It’s a long story.”
“I have all day.” He sat up, pulled her back into his arms, and rested his back against the headboard.
She pulled away slightly so that her back was also touching the headboard, but she wasn’t looking him in the eyes. She braced herself for what she was about to do.
“Okay, from the beginning, but I’ll have to edit. I’ll fill in the pieces later if you decide to keep me.” Why was she doing this? He said it didn’t matter, but she knew it did ... it was the only way to free herself. If he wanted her after she told him her past, she’d be able to trust him. “You’re right, though. We can’t start a relationship without you knowing what you’re getting yourself into.” She glanced at his face.
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “If you were mine, I’d definitely keep you.”
“Okay ...” Jaynee let out a long breath. “I told you my mother left when I was three, but I didn’t explain why.” She looked at his face to gauge his reaction. Was he really ready for her story? “Let me back up a tad, so I can fit my dad in, which will help you understand the choices of both my parents.
“When my dad was nineteen, he married a beautiful, tall model-type woman. My dad was only five seven, but he was attractive in a rugged, country boy way. He was always the life of the party, and women loved him. Anyway, his first wife had a baby, a boy. Come to find out, she’d been having an affair with his boss, and it was his baby. He moved away and never looked back.
“Three months later, he met my mother. Two months later at only eighteen, she got pregnant. She was beautiful. She loved to laugh and fish — which was his favorite pastime. Life was perfect until I came along.” Jaynee shut her eyes as she remembered the turmoil she went through as a child. “You know how children always blame themselves for their parents’ separation.”
“Oh, Jaynee,” Jordan interrupted. “It wasn’t your fault; you were a baby.” His eyes were instantly concerned.
“I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t ask to be born. But, I was the cause of their troubles. My mother went crazy afterward. Dad had to work, but she constantly harassed him. She accused him of drinking and cheating and not holding down a job. He worked as a mechanic for his older brother and ran a part-time business installing security systems.
“My grandmother and aunt noticed the change in her first. My grandmother said that every time we’d visit, I’d stay near her and cry when my mother tried to come near me. My aunt told me a story about a birthday party at her house. My mother sat me on the couch but wouldn’t let me move, said she was punishing me. When my aunt brought me cake and ice cream, she grabbed them and threw them away.
“But the only time my mother slipped was in front of my uncle. I had dropped something I was playing with, and it broke. She ran over, hand drawn back to slap me across the face when my uncle grabbed her and told her firmly, ‘You will never hit that child in my house!’ She gathered me up and left.”
Jordan reached out to Jaynee as if he wanted to comfort her, but then he dropped his hand back on the bed.
“No one said anything. Like my dad’s first marriage, they had suspicions, but didn’t think it was their place to interfere. My dad never talked derogatory about my mother, but he did reveal a story years later about the day he left.
“He said she’d been in a rotten mood all morning, yelling about ever
ything I did. Apparently, I was sick and had thrown up on the floor. My father had to work but promised he would be home early to watch me so she could have a break.
“He explained something didn’t feel right, so he turned around and returned home. When he opened the door, she had me lifted in the air, shaking me violently, screaming at the top of her lungs. She hadn’t heard him enter. He told her to put me down immediately.”
Jaynee paused and took a breath. It wasn’t the worst story in her life, but it still sent chills down her spine when she thought about what her mother did next. Jordan hadn’t said a word the entire time, but his eyes were expectant. She hoped he was really going to be able to handle this.
“She didn’t put me down. Instead, she threw me across the room ... I had just turned three.”
Jaynee looked up at Jordan and saw the horror in his eyes. He just shook his head and sighed. The idea of someone throwing a child across the room like a rag doll evidently upset him, too. Of course, as a cop, he must be accustomed to these accounts.
She took another breath and continued. “When my dad bent over to pick me up, she crouched over top of him and banged on his back. Instinctively, he knocked her to the floor. He confessed he’d never hit a woman in his life, but had no choice. It was an automatic impulse, as it all had happened so quickly. As if he should be sorry for his actions,” she said almost in a growl.
Jaynee pulled her legs underneath her and continued, “He put me on the front of his motorcycle, placed his too-large helmet on my head, and drove me to my aunt’s house. My aunt said the sight of my father pulling onto her driveway with me on his motorcycle was the saddest sight she’d ever seen. She went on to say she’d never seen my dad cry before or ever again after that day.
“My mom left town after that incident, but returned when I was five. My dad loved her, but she couldn’t handle raising a child according to a child psychiatrist assigned to my case. My father had to choose, so he chose me. Luckily, the judge agreed; he gave my dad full custody. If he’d stayed with my mom, she probably would have killed me. I don’t remember much. But for years, I woke up with nightmares, feeling as though something was crushing me. I’d wake up screaming, pleading that the pain would stop.
“My mother wriggled back into my life when I was twelve but only for a week every other year until I was eighteen. I’ve seen her only once as an adult, and we got into a terrible fight. My mom is a troubled woman. More times than I know of, she has attempted suicide by slashing her wrist or overdosing on drugs.”
Jaynee didn’t look up to see Jordan’s reaction this time; instead, she moved on to finish her father’s story.
“My dad remarried my evil stepmother, his third wife, who also abused me. Mostly mental abuse, though. But I do remember one time when she kept coming into my room after I’d done something wrong. Gram was visiting for the weekend and said to my father, ‘Didn’t you divorce her mother for abusing her?’ My father stepped in on that incident, but the abuse continued. When I was fourteen, I actually fought back and won. She never touched me again.
“Before he married her, though, I was sent to live with one of my other uncles. Not the one who saved me from my mom — Uncle Adam’s the best. At my other uncle’s house, I witnessed sexual abuse against my cousins. He molested me too, but never intercourse, thank God for that. It’s been hard enough dealing with the other memories.”
Jaynee paused long enough to look at Jordan and gauge his response. His lips were in a straight line; his pallor had turned bright red. He was struggling with this revelation. His eyes burned as they did last night when it looked as if he might turn around and kill her attackers. She had to let him know this man could no longer hurt anyone.
“He died five years ago, Jordan, before I felt old enough to confront him. I found out after his death that the family knew he had issues, but thought they were resolved when he married and had children. I also found out he’d molested my father — his younger brother by ten years — when he was a boy. Why my dad ever allowed me to live with him ... I’ll never know.” She shook her head in confusion.
“Oh, Jaynee ... I’m so sorry,” Jordan whispered.
Jaynee felt the tears well up and struggled to control her sobs. “Jordan,” she cried softly, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Let me finish. Unbelievable as it may seem that wasn’t the worst situation in my life. My father did the worst thing I ever had to contend with.”
Wiping her eyes, she continued. “At seventeen, I already lived on my own, because my father was a newlywed again. We saw each other constantly, though. We met for lunch, went to arcades, and once went to Busch Gardens, just the two of us.” It was an awesome day, she thought to herself. He’d even allowed her to sample the beer they gave away. She didn’t like it, but it was just the two of them, and it felt special.
She gulped before continuing.
“My father was unhappy when his last marriage failed and deeply troubled by his past. I tried to get others to see what I saw, but no one recognized it because he was always so outwardly happy. He took his life a few years ago. I was the last person he’d spoken with. The bad thing is ... I think I could have stopped it. The night before his death, I sent my uncle and aunt to see him. My father assured them he was fine. I should have shown up or Baker Acted him. Of course, as a cop, I’m sure you know what that means.”
Jordan merely nodded again, allowing her to continue.
“The next morning, my father woke up, walked into the backyard in his bathrobe, and shot himself with a shotgun. I know there’s nothing I could’ve done, but I will always have to live with the fact that I didn’t go to him myself.”
Jordan shook his head, allowing a long breath to escape his lungs. “It wasn’t your fault —”
“I’ll never know ...” Jaynee cut him off, brushing away a tear. “I have to finish, or I’ll lose my nerve. I made more stupid decisions after he died.” She looked up at the ceiling, thinking she should just stop now. Jordan didn’t need to hear her life.”
“Please continue, Jaynee,” he said, resting his hand on hers.
She sniffed and continued, “Devastated, I moved from South Florida to live with my grandmother, the only person who’d never hurt me. A few months after I moved here, I met a guy ... a great guy.” She looked up when Jordan winced. He didn’t need to hear this part, but really, her past with her dysfunctional family was over ... This part of her past wasn’t over. As much as she didn’t want to talk about the men she’d dated, he had to know about this one.
She squeezed his hand. “Jordan, I want you to know I wasn’t just an ignorant young girl, so I had to say that. When we first met, he seemed okay. After a few months of dating, though, he confessed that he previously had a drug problem and had been in jail before we met. We had a good relationship for about six months, and then one day he just disappeared for days. I couldn’t reach him anywhere, so I knew more than likely, he’d gone on a binge.
“Unfortunately, I’d been right. I felt it was my duty to help him. He agreed to go to rehab, so I saw him through it. I stayed with him through two other drug rehabs over the next two and a half years. When I discovered his infidelity, it was the final straw. I severed all ties a year ago, told him not to call or write me again, told him we were through. He never accepted my leaving and would harass any man I tried to date, so I stopped dating entirely. They incarcerated him about six months ago, and he is supposed to serve a minimum of five years.
“The day you and I met ... I received a letter from him ...” Again Jaynee looked up, measuring his reaction. His face appeared composed, but his eyes were grave.
“I didn’t open his letter. I threw it in the dumpster on my way to see you.” Pausing, she took a deep breath and looked him deep in the eyes. This was the part that would anger him. More than someone molesting her or two suicidal parents, she’d withheld information. Something he’d asked her not to do. Though, he’d said, “Up to this point” she wasn’t to keep anything fro
m him.
“Those guys last night — the dirtbags — they knew my ex. The leader called me Caycee and asked if I’d read his letter.”
“What?” His face was incredulous. He leaned in, his eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he spat the question. She knew she should have left out that part.
“You said it didn’t matter up to this moment. You said that last night, Jordan.” Tears formed in her eyes. She knew if she told him the truth, he’d leave her. “You said it didn’t matter, as long as I told you everything from now on, but I knew you’d despise me. I knew you couldn’t want me. That’s why I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear last night. Because I couldn’t tell you how much I already loved you without telling you everything first, and I was afraid. Afraid you’d think I was damaged and stupid.” The words tumbled out of her mouth, muffled by her sobs. The tears flowed freely. She couldn’t find any way to impede them. She dropped her head into her hands, shielding her face. She wanted to crawl across the floor and disappear. “You’re a cop ... You certainly wouldn’t want anything to do with me ... a woman who stupidly stayed with a convict. A convict who won’t stop stalking me ... even from prison —”
Jordan pulled her into his arms. He rocked her and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Jaynee, nothing has changed. I just wish you had told me, so I could have taken care of them.” He sounded angry with the men but thrilled by her words. She just realized ... through all her pain, she’d admitted she loved him too. “I’m sorry, Jaynee. I’m sorry for everything. My God, what you’ve been through, and that was the edited version. God, I wish I could take it all away. Please let me. Let me take care of you forever. No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.”
He looked at her solemnly as if deciding on a course of action. “You had a nightmare last night. I understand it now. The attack probably triggered it. And the way your eyes darted around the first time you sat down with me. You’ve been living in an atmosphere of fear your entire life. I’ll never allow that again.”
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