Cosmic Banditos

by Weisbecker, A. C.

  Eduardo’s forced exile raised José from the position of Assistant Dope Lord to Full-Blown Dope Lord, since José is Eduardo’s cousin and was his righthand man. He had held this position nearly three years, until our recent problems (you’ll hear all about them by and by) sent the whole lot of us into a financial and legal tailspin. This has resulted in José being demoted to the rank of Full-Blown Bandito, which is several rungs down the ladder from Full-Blown Dope Lord, or even Assistant Dope Lord.

  34 The Indian didn’t call it by name, but he was clearly referring to this phenomenon, which has to do with the rotation of the earth and its effects on fluid or gaseous bodies.

  35 The ultimate irony is that Einstein, one of the founding fathers of Quantum Theory (although he didn’t know it at the time), could never bring himself to accept it.

  36 I call this language problem the “Concept of the Dangling Subatomic Participle.” It is a problem we can never escape from.

  37 The astute reader is obviously aware that since there was nothing before the Big Bang, the adjective “big” is suspect. I admit there were no Small Bangs to compare it with, but as I said I’m struggling with language here.

  38 In some sense the old Indian was right. Metaphorically, the Great Spirit does wag, but I was too pissed off to realize this.

  39 The problem is really called “Schrödinger’s Cat,” but I figured the old Indian could relate better to Banditos.

  40 If this sounds like nonsense, let me remind the reader of some other examples of theories that were nonsense:The earth is round (Eratosthenes, 300 B.C.) Man will someday fly (L. da Vinci, 15th century)

  The earth is not the center of the universe (N. Copernicus, 16th century) Motion is relative (A. Einstein, early 20th century) Girls just wanna have fun (C. Lauper, late 20th century)

  The list goes on and on. The point is that “nonsense” is only that which appears to be unintelligible from our present point of view. Let me also add that the principles of Quantum Physics have passed every experimental test yet devised and have led to the development of, among other things, transistor radios, pocket calculators, microcomputers, and some revolutionary new heat-seeking, cordless sexual aids.

  41 This is a Time Travel Footnote (TTF). I am contacting you from the future. Exactly how far in the future is none of your business, although you will find out eventually. I zipped back here to tell you what I have just learned about the old Indian. He is back on his crazed fast and hasn’t eaten, talked or moved for several months.

  42 Bandito Behavior, Bandito Brawls in particular, are very similar to certain aspects of the Subatomic Realm. For example, in most experimental situations, one never sees the actual mechanism of the events that lead to an experimental result (we may see evidence an electron did such and such, but never “see” the actual electron or what it did en route to the result). From our position as observers outside the bar, High Pockets and I could not see the random chaos inside (let’s say the Banditos represent excited electrons) but we could see the results of the chaos: Every few seconds a Bandito would fly through a window or out the door (each Flying Bandito representing an electron striking a photographic plate or other measuring device).

  43 By the way, I have made an informal study of Bandito Pool Tables. They all have one thing in common: No matter where you hit a ball, it dribbles into the corner pocket nearest the bar.

  44 The astute reader is obviously aware that I was completely winging it at this point.

  45 (Another TTF: Time Travel Footnote) Again, I am contacting you from the future and, again, it is none of your business from how far in the future I am speaking. My message is this: Recent experiences (you’ll hear all about them by and by) have led me to the conclusion that my improvised equation, RE =UB, may actually be, metaphorically at least, right on the money.

  46 If the reader considers it a coincidence that both Jose and I suffered mild concussions within a few days of each other, while I was trying to peacefully settle Bandito Disputes, he or she has obviously missed something along the way.

  47 One of Flash’s favorite expressions.

  48 For the purposes of the experiment, we must assume that there are no Cosmic Banditos out there cooperating with a devious Quark.

  49 I am also curious to see how Tina, Tom and Gary are doing. (For some reason, I have never been interested in Tina’s mother or her sister, Ruth.)

  50 Quark Soup is an expression some cosmologists use to describe the state of the Universe a few billionths of a second after the Big Bang. It was a situation (I hesitate to use the word “time” because it is unclear if time as we know it had “started”) wherein the Universe was so dense that there was no room for Subatomic Particles as we know them. The cosmic Soup of the Day was Consommé of Quark.

  51 By the way, it appears to me that every clandestine operative in the known Universe knows every other clandestine operative, regardless of his function in spookdom. The relationship between spooks frequently gets extremely convoluted and often downright bizarre Whose “side” a spook is on usually becomes a laughable concept. For example, Kenny Burnstine was selling arms to the DEA while under indictment by that same agency for his marijuana-related antics.

  52 A universe containing Bananas, Banditos, Contrabandistas and Dope Lords.

  53 My meditative technique will probably be dealt with later.

  54 1 suggest that those readers who are easily disoriented or suffer from Intellectual Agoraphobia skip this section.

  55 I spent the whole day explaining the Double Slit Experiment to José and have no intention of doing the same for you all. If you want to learn more about the Double Slit Experiment or anything else about the New Physics, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time finding research material than I did.

  56 A vital aspect of Flash’s Theory of Gravitation.

  57 This is a good example of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, a cornerstone of Quantum Theory. The Uncertainty Principle states that one can know the position of a Subatomic Particle or its momentum, but never both simultaneously. In other words, a randomly moving target is hard to hit.

  58 The astute reader is obviously aware that I occasionally make references to the Macrocosmic Realm (Cosmology, Gravitational Theory, Astrophysics, etc.). The reason is simple: The division between the Microcosmic and the Macrocosmic is probably an illusory one, a result of the propensity of the human mind to categorize phenomena. José and I both believe that someday a Grand Unified Theory (GUT) will emerge to explain all observable events, whether they are Quantum or Cosmological. Even if this Unification is never achieved (some scientists believe it impossible even in principle), José and I like to think of ourselves as Well-Rounded Guys (WRGs) so we are making a concerted effort to keep our Pulses on the Finger of Reality.

  59 José and I have already adopted a pacifistic outlook but we are always heavily armed, just in case.

  60 He chose a big shaggy bitch with as questionable a genetic heritage as his own and disappeared into the jungle. The two emerged about an hour later looking very pleased with themselves. We will try to return in a few months to see what sort of bizarre offspring might have resulted.

  61 I’ve never cared for Bandito Fireworks Displays, by the way. Neither mortars nor rocket launchers were meant to be shot straight up, for obvious reasons.

  62 We will eventually delve more extensively into the concept of time travel. At that time the “eventually” of the here and now will have eventualized.

  63 Believe it or not, I had a normal childhood. I can’t for the life of me fathom how I turned out this way.

  64 If you think any kid’s song will work just as well, try meditating to “One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” You’ll end up on a college steeple with a rifle.

  65 Scientists hesitate to use the word “dream” when describing the Nature of Reality, but they keep running off at the mouth with statements like “We conjure up the universe,” “We are participators in reality” and “Reality is essenti
ally nonsubstantial.” Sounds like a dream to me, Jackson.

  66 By this time I was actively hallucinating, so my perceptions of the remainder of the lecture should be taken with a grain or so of salt.

  67 Perhaps this Electron/Cosmic Bandito duality is analogous to the particle/ wave duality of Subatomic Units.

  68 My cranial nerve synapses were now firing randomly but I did sense some sort of balance between upwardly shot Bandito Projectiles and downwardly zipping Subatomic Particles.

  69 I’ve never met a Bandito who felt he had to be clearheaded for anything, but I’m even willing to let this piece of Anti-Bandito Behavior slide.

  70 I have resigned myself to the fact that José was, is and always will be a Bandito. The philosophy behind his Bandito Behavior has increased in profundity, however.

  71 By the way, Eastern Philosophy (particularly Zen Buddhism) and the New Physics appear to have come to some of the same conclusions from two very different directions.

  72 The situation is exactly the same with respect to yacht and ship brokers, marine parts manufacturers, marina personnel, etc. They’re all in on it.

  73 A piece of trivia platinum: A Lockheed Lodestar was the type of plane that winged Ingrid Bergman out of Casablanca in the film of the same name.

  74 By the way, no one knows who the first Dope Lord was, but according to recent Dope Lord Archaeological finds he predated Moses by some 900 years.

  75 Banditos don’t use salt or lime, by the way. They have an old saying about people that do use them, but I can’t for the life of me remember it.

  76 He now truly was a Bandito, having lost his status as Dope Lord, but, as I have said, José was so down-to-earth a guy that he acted like a Bandito even when he was a Dope Lord.

  77 Mainly the characters, past and present. Take José, High Pockets and me. As our pasts and presents converged, we could have run into ourselves—in the jungle, let’s say. High Pockets (both of him) would’ve hightailed it for the shack and run into each other again under my bed; then they would’ve both freaked out again and gone to some other identical place. And so on, ad infinitum. José (both of him) would’ve shot himself on the spot, leaving two identical Dead Banditos, causing all kinds of problems for me (both of me) and changing the future course of events. The astute reader will have already sensed the similarity between this concept and the Editions Concept of the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics. If there are many “editions” of us living in many different worlds simultaneously, maybe these editions are literary editions, as in this case.

  78 I didn’t have time to review Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity, which also deals with Gravitation.

  79 Another TTF: I have a confession to make. This last sentence is a Time Travel Sentence (TTS). In other words, I added it at a later date after I found out some things. I did hear a plane but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to mention it if there wasn’t a payoff somewhere in the future. I have noticed that in most narratives, if you come across a seemingly irrelevant passage (or image in a movie) you can be sure somebody is trying to pull some bullshit on you. A piece of advice: In narratives and in life, pay attention to irrelevancies. They sometimes come back to haunt you.

  80 I did this as much for myself as for Colonel Menendez. I already had the feeling that our situation could easily get out of hand, so I wanted to put our predicament in its proper perspective.

  81 The astute reader is obviously aware that I wrote this chapter in some dim future, after I had found out some things. I also admit I was just taking a wild stab at what Ramon was thinking, but I wanted to try my hand at this Omniscient Observer Attitude. By the way, I may have written this chapter in the future, but it isn’t a Time Travel Chapter (TTC) in the same sense that I use Time Travel Footnotes. In some sense, we’ve gone sideways in the space-time continuum, rather than backward or forward.

  82 The reader should keep in mind that there is no reason why Tina’s father should connect me and my messages with the mugging or anything else. I’m relieved that he no longer doubts my existence, but his perception of me is still a missing piece in this weird jigsaw puzzle I am assembling.

  83 I told you all that there would be a payoff to the seemingly irrelevant statement I made back in Chapter 17, as José and I were being taken to jail. I quote “As we entered, I heard a plane roar overhead, its engines misfiring badly.” Then, if you recall, I subjected you to a Time Travel Footnote (TTF) and admitted that I had added this sentence at a later date, after I had found out some things. The astute reader has already figured out that what I discovered was that it had been Flash, Aileron, Robert and Jim in that plane. They had been following us and spotted our capture. After they landed in a nearby pasture, Robert blew up the jail (his second so far) while Jim and Flash opened up on the firing squad, effecting our escape from certain death. Flash and Aileron then took off to try to relocate us but unfortunately crashed soon after take off.

  The very astute reader is obviously aware that this footnote is itself a TTF, albeit of a different sort from the other (I hesitate to use the word “past”) TTFs. This is a TTF in a TTC (Time Travel Chapter), which makes it sort of a TTF to the second power (TTF2).

  84 The astute reader will have noticed that the second to last paragraph of this chapter coincides temporally with a section of the previous chapter that dealt with my perception of José’s anti-aircraft activities on the ground. This is the same event viewed from two different reference points. Let me quote from both chapters:I saw a line of thumbnail-size holes stitch the undercarriage. (Chapter 19)

  This is what I actually saw, as relayed to you in the previous chapter. Now, in this current chapter, I cop my Omniscient Observer Attitude (for the last time) and take us where I have never been:The cockpit had just recovered from Robert’s gastric assault when Jose’s volley of . 45 5 slugs sliced through the aircraft from nose to tail. (Chapter. 20)

  This is one event as perceived from two different points of reference simultaneously by the same person. Not easy to pull off, even in a simple narrative.

  I do not intend to try the reader’s patience here with another comparison to the Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics or its “Editions” concept. This would be redundant, not to mention repetitious. The reader is free to make any associations he or she wishes to make, however.

  85 I am, of course, referring to how much stuff happens between repetitions.

  86 José had never been to Sausalito and was unaware of the fact that bananas don’t grow there.

  87 A TTF: Looking back from the future it appears to me that the mugging of Tina’s family had taken on a Big Bangesque quality. “In the beginning there was the mugging of Tina’s Family”—that kind of thing.

  88 Over the years, I have found I can get rid of most hallucinations by closing my eyes.

  89 As I have mentioned, José and I love dogs, but we are of the opinion that poodles are actually some sort of rodent.

  90 I unsuccessfully attempted to find out whether the concept of tubularity is related to the concept of singularity, which occurs near the center of a Black Hole. It is here that infinitely strong gravitational forces compress matter to zero volume, thereby destroying the very fabric of Space-Time.

  91 Even though José doesn’t understand English, I’m sure he would’ve gotten the drift from my yelling and gesticulating and High Pockets’ stomach rumblings.

  92 José had to leave his Thompson submachine gun in Mexico, but he kept his .45 automatic and I my 9mm. Our little burro, Pepe, found a good home on a farm just outside Tijuana.

  93 If you excite either a Subatomic Particle or a homosexual, its movement becomes more frenetic and more random.

  94 The truth of the matter is this: I had begun to see Subatomic Particles. They would dart through the Space-Time Continuum leaving little purple trails. The ones that passed through my body invariably made me tingle and giggle and squirm. I’ve never mentioned this to anyone before, not even José.


  95 Once again the TV news had come in handy for discovering the repercussions of our behavior.

  96 A simple deduction: Almost all expensive cars that sit around all day (on weekdays) belong to drug dealers. A sign of the times, I suspect.

  97 Since the mugging she had apparently been plagued with recurring Bandito Nightmares.

  98 As it turned out, Tina had been permanently grounded and her new diaphragm confiscated by her father after Gary called one night, roaring drunk, from the Crisco Disco West and spilled the sexual beans.

  99 In one fell swoop, Tina’s father had invalidated both the Simultaneous Bandito Stronghold Theory and the Concept of the Creeping Banditos.

  100 This is the other end of the Time Travel Footnote on page 71, where I explained that the old Indian had gone back on his fast. At that time I was contacting you from the future, which is now. And it was yesterday that I visited the old Indian in his cave up in the mountains.