“Range, I—” He interrupted me with a wave of his hand.
“I wasn’t raised like you, Clover, by two loving parents who showered their daughters with affection. My first instincts are to fight, to protect, especially when it comes to my family and the people I care about. I know all too well what it’s like to be let down by the person who’s supposed to love you the most. I didn’t want to be the one to let you down, baby. You would have seen me as a worthless piece of shit who didn’t deserve your trust.”
“I would have never judged you, Range, for what happened in the past. I know you’re a fighter and only wanted to protect me, but that wasn’t your choice to make. You took away my choice when you lied to me about what really happened.”
“I know that now, baby, but at the time, I was a coward. I had to face that fucked-up reality of my life once before, and it broke something inside me that I’m still struggle to fix. I didn’t want you to see that busted part of me and realize that I’m nothing more than a broken-down bum like my old man and then leave. I couldn’t be the one to cause you any more pain with the truth and force you to leave, which ended up happening anyway.”
“I regret my decision to leave, Range. Running away when I should have stayed and talked it out was the biggest mistake of my life. I missed you every day since the day I left, but I also needed time to figure out a few things on my own first. I know growing up you had it hard, at least until you met Buck, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t see you that way, nor will I ever. I don’t have on rose-colored glasses. I know there are dangerous people in this world, but there are also people who are willing to change and do the right thing for those they care about. Buck was a good example of someone who changed for the better, and I’m so thankful for that. Without him, I never would have found you.”
He finally turned back around to face me, and I had to fight against the urge to throw myself in his arms and hold on for dear life. We were making progress and finally doing the things we should have done weeks ago instead of acting so rashly.
“Hate to say it, but you’re right. I had time to figure out a few things myself, Clover. I’m a better man with you than I am without you. I made a promise to Buck to look after my brothers and keep things together, no matter the cost. I made some mistakes I wish I could take back, but I can’t. The only thing I can do now is move forward with you by my side, if you still want me.”
As much as our separation hurt, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. A few weeks apart, and we both had come such a long way as individuals. We weren’t ready back then to start our lives together, with too many secrets and lies that would have eventually destroyed any hope we had of happiness. Range didn’t need to worry if I still wanted him. I would until the day we died. He was my life, my best friend, and with him by my side, I was ready to face my final fear once and for all.
“Would you do something for me if I asked?”
“I would give my life for you, tootsie baby.”
For the first time since we met at this graveyard, I held out my hand and Range took it. Holding it tightly in his, we left this place together, with luck, as we always would be.
Chapter 12
Range
The truth was finally out in the open, and I was happy to no longer have to carry that burden around along with everything else on my plate. She said she understood my logic, but how could she when I didn’t understand it myself? I would do anything in my power to protect her from the darkness of this world, the dirt, the filth, the harshness that beats you down and turns you into an animal if you let it. Her innocence and naïveté was what I loved the most about her; she’s so pure of heart it’s scary. She didn’t see what was staring her right in the fucking face. Craze and his crew were dangerous killers mixed up in drugs, guns, human trafficking, anything that would make their club money. Clover greeting them with open arms, completely ignoring the weapons they were carrying and the killer instinct in their eyes when they drew down on us solidified the fact that she needed my protection. She wasn’t stupid, just trusting to a fault, and that alone was a very dangerous trait to have.
The day she invited those assholes into our home was a prime example of her forgiving nature. She ignored the picture staring her straight in the eyes. The lot of us were all killers in our own right, the look in our eyes, trained for years by a man who took no prisoners when it came to self-preservation. We would have killed them all just as easily the way Buck taught us to do, no second thoughts, no hesitation. Clover just shook that shit off, served beer and pretzels, and chatted away the afternoon like it was nothing. Her vision of us was so far from the truth it was almost comical, yet she wouldn’t be the woman I loved any other way. It was so fucking stupid of me not to tell her the truth about what had happened. I knew now that it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference in the way she felt for me. It was my own boyhood insecurities embedded deep within my soul, the uncertainty of being more than just that dirty kid from the trailer park. I was afraid, and that fear cost me my woman. But I wouldn’t give up on us. I loved her too much to ever let her go. She was my one Buck spoke about all those years ago, my only.
She wanted me to take her to Foster’s, a place neither of us had been since the shooting. I wanted to tell her no, to drag her back to the junkyard and fuck her brains out to make up for lost time, but this was what she needed. As I parked the truck out front, I realized this was the last place I wanted to be. Re-living the day Buck was killed on top of all the other shit weighing me down was not my idea of a good fucking time. My brothers were falling apart; Sebastian hated Max for what he did to Ashley, Memory was losing his shit since returning from Afghanistan, and Maxwell was roaming around aimlessly, carrying a loaded shotgun. It was all up to me to hold them together, a vow made to Buck, one I planned to keep. Clover needed me, too; for her, it would take all the strength I had left in me to see this to the end. I was there, as I always would be, no matter what.
“I talked to the Fosters already, so they would know we are coming. I wanted us to have the place to ourselves for a little while. Thankfully, they agreed, even though it’s costing them business.” She looked over at me from her side of the truck. The fear that was rolling off her tiny body was causing her eyes to water and her teeth to chatter. Fuck this shit. I couldn’t let her go inside like this, scared to death but trying hard to hide it.
“Baby, you sure you want to do this? We can come back another time.”
“I’m sure, Range…just…before we go inside, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, tootsie baby, anything you want.”
“Why didn’t you come for me? Or at the very least call to make sure I was okay?” I hurt her so much by trying to be the hero and doing the right thing. The foolish choices that began with not telling her the truth and ended with my decision to give her the time she needed without breaking her parents’ door down and dragging her back to the junkyard with me where she belonged. Buck was right when he said we would do dumb shit when we finally found the woman we loved. I kicked dumb in the ass and made stupid my bitch, just like he knew I would.
“I wanted you…no…I needed you to come back on your own, baby, for me, us, and the life we shared. I didn’t want to pressure you into doing something you might regret later on. I was stupid. I never should have let you go in the first place.” She shook her head in understanding before she gave me the gift of a lifetime. Her beautiful smile.
“Yes, that was dumb, Range. I thought…maybe you didn’t want me anymore and had moved on to someone else. Don’t ever do it again. Promise?”
“What? Didn’t want you? What the fuck, baby? I promise to never be a dumbass again.”
We exited the truck together, slowly making our way to the front of the shop. Mr. and Mrs. Foster met us at the door and opened it expectantly with kind smiles and hesitant handshakes. We were all on edge, neither one of us quite knowing what to say to each other. The Fosters exited quickly, obviously shaken up by th
is entire meeting. They said their good-byes and placed the closed sign on the door. The place was eerily quiet, and I stood stock still and as close to the entrance as humanly possible. The Fosters had remodeled since the shooting: new flooring, new chairs, and the glass enclosures were much smaller than they were before. Clover was standing right in front of me, immersed in her own world, and the silence was fucking with me physically. I found it hard to breathe in deeply even though the place smelled like a chocolate lover’s wet dream. For me, it reeked of death and blood, a combination that has no place in a business designed to give people joy.
“I remember standing behind the counter. It was a work day, so I was stocking the shelves,” she said as she pointed over to the new displays. “Sebastian was over there.” She pointed to the opposite side of the store. “You and Buck were there.” More pointing. “And Julian was standing there.” Clover turned around in a complete circle trying to get her bearings straight, while I stood by the door like a complete pussy trying not to vomit. I couldn’t stand to look at the spot on the floor where Buck died. Cover that shit all you want, but I still saw my father lying in a pool of his own blood. I needed to get the fuck outta here and fast. Fuck this walk down memory lane.
“Baby, what exactly are we doing here?” I asked Clover as she continued to stare out into space.
“I remember that we were talking, about Buck and Julian’s father. He wanted something from Buck, but he didn’t have it. Everyone was just talking when that man busted in the door and started shooting. No warning whatsoever, just spraying bullets everywhere.” She was crying now, and that shit was enough to bust my chest wide open and cause my insides to burn. Clover crying over anything was not something I enjoyed seeing, and the remedy for that was to get the fuck gone and fast.
“That’s it, baby, it’s time to go. I know you are trying to find your footing since the shooting, but this shit is not happening. I just can’t—”
“No, Range,” she cut me off, not caring a fuck about my earlier demand, determined to see this through. “I need to know what happened next. I need you to fill in the missing pieces or I can’t move forward with my life, our life. Please, Range, I need to know what happened after everything went dark.”
Clover didn’t need to beg me to do anything for her. I would give my life to make her happy. Reliving the day Buck was killed, every fucked-up detail about how I caused it to happen? It was a risk letting her in on how my hotheadedness was the reason that cunt biker busted into Foster’s in the first place. If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened and Buck would still be alive today. How did I tell her that I was not her hero, that I was not her savior? I’d carried this guilt with me every day since it happened, and it was a weight that until now I’d born alone. I had already lost her once by lying, and I was fighting like hell to get her back. One look in her beautiful eyes, and I knew I had to face this now where it all began or I would lose her completely. The choice was made, so with a deep breath, I began and didn’t stop until she knew everything, every detail, about the day I caused my father’s death.
I couldn’t remember the last time I cried in front of another person. I’d made a vow long ago never to allow another human being to see me that weak and vulnerable again. By the time I got to the actual shooting part of the story, I was a blubbering, slobbering mess of a man. All the pain I felt from seeing Buck lying in a pool of his own blood came rushing back to the surface, and the brunt of it caused my knees to weaken to the point I was no longer standing. Clover, after seeing my complete breakdown, dropped to her knees in front of me and was the only thing keeping me from falling on my face right there on the floor. We held each other while we each cried our separate set of tears, each for very different reasons. I was finally free of it all, free of the guilt I carried around knowing that I was the cause of all this chaos in our lives. Clover’s freedom came with finally learning the truth about that day, with luck, ending her nightmares of an unknown stranger breaking into our home unprovoked. She now knew he was not a stranger and his reasons for killing were retaliation from the ass kicking I gave him just moments before. My confession gave her all the assurance she needed to carry on with her life, with or without me in it. We were both finally set free.
“Marry me, Range.” She started kissing me all over my face and neck. “We were given a second chance at life. Now is the time for us to take it.” She sobbed into my chest, holding me so tightly with her little body draped across my own. That was the last thing I expected to hear her say at that moment. I had to be sure she was thinking clearly.
“What did you say?” My arms stiffened on their own as I waited anxiously for her to repeat her words.
No way had I heard her right. She lifted her tear-stained face from my chest and looked me straight in the eyes. There was no hesitation in her voice, no second-guessing. She knew what she wanted and was willing to take a shot, on me, but most importantly, on us.
“I said, marry me, Range. Today, right now, marry me.” She stood on her feet, wiped away any remaining tears, and reached her tiny hand down for me to take it. She had broken through her pain with our visit to Foster’s. Her head was clear, the burden lifted, and she was ready. Did she really want a future with me? The man who caused her so much pain and heartache? That was the question I needed answered before I would agree.
“Clover. Do you understand that I kicked that biker so hard I broke his knee cap, and that was after the told me where to find Craze? I was angry and not thinking straight, which is the reason he came here. I was the one who started it all. Me.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Range, none of this was. I see that now. I believe it with all my heart.”
“I should have just walked away after I got the intel I needed. Maybe then Buck would still be alive. Maybe if I—”
“No, Range! You can’t blame yourself for what happened. “Maybe” can just fuck right off. It’s just another excuse to hold on to the guilt and let it fester inside you till it eats you alive. We can’t go back and change what happened, but we can move forward, together, honoring Buck and his sacrifice instead of wasting it on hypothetical bullshit. I love you so much it hurts. I’m so sorry I left without giving you a chance to explain what happened. I was wrong to think you kept that from me because you wanted to hurt me. I promise to never second-guess a decision you make without talking with you first. None of this was your fault, the shooting, Buck’s death, none of it. You did what you had to do to protect your family from harm. It’s who you are, and you would never be anything less. Don’t blame yourself for what happened, Range. Buck wouldn’t want that, and neither do I,” she insisted in earnest.
“Are you sure, tootsie baby? After everything I just told you, all the fucked-up shit I did, the lies I told you? You still want to marry me? Maybe we should talk this through, make sure we’re making the right decision. Once you say yes this time, I’ll never let you go. You’ll be mine…forever.” I was giving her an out, silently hoping she wouldn’t take it.
“No, Range. Now. I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life. No flowers, fancy dresses, or catered dinners. Just us, together as we always should be. I love you, Range Reardon, marry me today or loose me forever.” She kissed me hard on the lips one final time then stood there as she waited for me to answer.
She was right about everything. We were finally ready to live our lives as man and wife. Clover was mine, now and forever, so there was only one choice I could make, and I’d be damned if it was the right one.
“Let’s go get married, tootsie baby.”
Chapter 13
Clover
The peace and tranquility of this place was indescribable. The birds were singing a wonderful lullaby, and the breeze was blowing through the open window, fresh and clean, smelling of pine with a mix of wild flowers. I reached down slowly and ran my fingers through the softest mane of hair on earth on the head that was resting comfortably on my stomach. I thought about how glorious
my life was, finally finding happiness against the odds. I tried to stifle my giggle as it bubbled to the surface, but it was no use. I was a hot mess of euphoria, and my joy could not be contained.
“What are you laughing about, tootsie baby?” a sleepy-sounding Range asked from his position between my legs.
“Just… how happy I am.” I smiled to myself.
“Hmm, I am, too, baby.” He lifted his head and kissed my stomach.” I am, too.”
We ran out of Foster’s that day, hand in hand, ready to grab life by the balls. We were given a gift most people in our situation didn’t have. This was clear to me from my sessions with the survivors group. We were lucky to be alive. I vowed to honor Buck’s sacrifice to us by never looking back and wondering “what if,” but instead by looking forward and beginning my life with the only man I would ever love: my Range.
His truck was parked in front of the laundromat, and with lightning speed we were ready to go get married, except I needed something first, something that couldn’t wait a minute longer. Range helped me into the passenger seat, and as soon as he closed the door and climbed into the other side, I pounced. For the first time ever, my small stature was useful to me as I maneuvered myself between his body and the steering wheel, straddling him with both legs stretched out and wrapped around the back of the seat. The initial shook on his face changed into something else, something more primitive and needy. Thank goodness I’d decided to wear a dress today. I couldn’t wait. The heat coming from his cock was enough to have me panting with desperation and wantonness. It had been so long since I’d felt him inside me, lifting me to heights unknown and slowly bringing me back down to earth, that I couldn’t wait another second without that feeling. I reached for the elastic waistband on his board shorts and pulled them down just low enough to free him so I could feel him in my hands again.
Refuse: A Junkyard Wedding Page 7