I DIDN’T KNOW what to call it. Christmas was still ten days away. Drew said who cared, as long as there was booze. I spent the evening running around, refilling glasses, thanking people for their housewarming gifts, making light conversation, and agreeing that yes, it had been far too long since I’d seen anybody. “Sounds like you found your soulmate,” they said when I described Alma. I smiled. “It must have been wonderful to have someone like that in your life.” It was. “You made
this cake?” Indeed I had. Yasmina never showed, and as the clock ran down, and the other guests—whom I considered filler—began to trickle out, I wrote the entire evening off. “I told you,” said Drew on his way out. “Classy.” Dejected, I went into the kitchen, turned on the radio, rolled up my sleeves, and plunged my arms into hot, soapy water. Terrible idea, this party. I felt annoyed at Drew for talking me into it. As I scrubbed hard at dried jam, it occurred to me that he might not have invited Yasmina at all, taking it upon himself to liberate me. I crushed the sponge; suds ran down my wrist and onto the floor. No more socializing, then. I would retreat into privacy and get the job done, then take my fortune and start a new life, one that had nothing to do with Harvard or any of these people.... So immersed in self-pity was I that I almost missed the doorbell. Expecting someone come back for forgotten mittens, I dried my hands and went to the entry hall. It was Yasmina. Silence. “Can I come in?” she said. “It’s kind of cold.” I took her coat and led her to the kitchen, where I cut her a piece of Sachertorte. “Thank you,” she said. “Do I get to meet Pete?” “He’s in New York.” “Another time, then.” She nodded. “Nice shoes.” “They’re oxblood,” I said. “What happened to your loafers?” “I threw them out.” “Well, Joseph Geist. I never.” I watched her chew. “I didn’t think you were coming.” “Yeah, well. Neither did I.” She licked whipped cream from her thumb. “I hear you’re landed gentry now.” “So it seems.” “Congratulations.” I nodded. “So,” she said. “Do I get a tour or what?” “HER FATHER MADE THIS VIOLIN.” “Wow. Really?” “He was an instrument maker.” “It’s beautiful.... Why do you have all the curtains closed? Isn’t it kind of dark?” “It’s nighttime.” “Still ... See? Much better.” I dragged the curtain back into place. “I like it better this way.” “You would.” In the office, she spotted my manuscript, piled sloppily and bristling with useless tape flags. “Are you writing again?” “You could say that.” “I’m glad to hear it.” “Thanks ... Look: the pattern on his hat matches the pattern in the trees.” She let out a little squeal. “You like,” I said. “I love. This is so my style.” “I know,” I said. “Every time I go home to do wedding stuff, my mom wants to drag me around to open houses. All these Persian palaces.” She shuddered. “You know. Pillars.” I smiled faintly. “Well,” she said, “it’s pretty fantastic. Gloomy and haunted—perfect for you. Although I hope you’ll take my advice and let some light in.” “There’s one more thing you have to see.” “She left you a car.” “Better.” YASMINA’S REACTION to the library made me aware of something I’d forgotten about her: her earnestness, the child inside the sophisticate. It had been a long time since I had seen her so rapt, oohing and aahing as she touched everything with her delicate fingers. “Oh my God,” she kept saying. “Oh my God. Joseph. This is crazy. I mean, do you even realize how crazy this is?” “I’ve been here long enough that it seems normal.” “It isn’t. Oh my God. Is that a real Tiffany?” She bent to inspect the lamp. “Do you have any idea what this is worth? Oh my God. What else is here?” I showed her some of the first editions. For a moment she remained gauzy-eyed. Then, businesslike: “You should hire an appraiser.” “I’m not selling anything.” “You should still know what it’s worth. For insurance purposes.” She stood before the wall of photographs. “That’s her? With the ribbons?” “Yes.” “Oh my God, she was so pretty. Look at that dress. Did she own a horse?” “It wouldn’t surprise me. Her family was well-off.” “Uh, yeah.
And. Oh. Of course.” She picked up half-Nietzsche. “I knew you’d find a way to ruin a perfectly lovely room.” “Alma liked it there. It was her idea.” “Oh, I don’t believe that.” “She said so.” She put the bookend back. “When are you going to learn that women say all kinds of things.” I smiled. “You must miss her,” she said. I nodded. “I wish you’d met her.” “I would have liked that.” Silence. She greened. “What’s wrong?” She shook her head, moved across the room. “Mina.” The nickname came out unthinkingly, and I braced myself for the blowback. None came. “This is a beautiful carpet,” she said. She crouched to run her hand over it. “It’s probably worth a fortune. What happens if there’s a fire? Have you ever considered that?” “I—” “You need to learn about these things. You have to take care of what you have.” “Yasmina. What’s the matter?” “Nothing, all right? Stop it. Nothing’s the matter. I’m stressed.” “About.” “Lots of things. Weddings are stressful.” She stood up and headed toward an armchair, then reconsidered, sitting cross-legged on the floor, dipping her fingers into the thick pile. “It really is a nice carpet. Believe me, I can tell.” I said nothing. She said, “It’s all who wants this, who wants that. Who won’t eat this, who’ll only eat that. My mom—oh my God. And his mom is even worse. Put the two of them together ...” She mimed an explosion. Silence. “Tell me,” I said. “You don’t want to know.” “I do.” I paused. “Tell me.” Silence. “All right,” she said. Among the gory details were: an argument over whose family rabbi would preside; the bridesmaid controversy (Pedram’s sisters refused to wear the strapless dress Yasmina had picked out); the lingering question of the main, chicken or beef or a duet. “It sounds crazy when I talk about it,” she said. “No.” “It does. It is crazy. It’s insane
. I want a nice wedding, too, but I haven’t even had my second fitting and already everything’s out of control. I don’t care who you are. There is no reason in the world to get this invested in a single day.” “I take it you’ve set a date.” “June twenty-third.” “That’s sooner than you expected.” She nodded. “Well,” I said. “I hope it all works out.” “Could you be less convincing.” “There’s always Las Vegas.” “You don’t get it, do you. It’s a community event. It has nothing to do with me. And Pedram loves the idea of a big wedding. He’s like the craziest of all. Groomzilla. Do people say that? They should.” “Sure,” I said. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “All I said was, ‘Sure.’ ” “Don’t get high and mighty.” “Mina—” “Like you knew all along this would happen to me.” “I never said that. I never even thought it.” “You did.” “All I want is for you to be happy,” I said. “Well I’m not,” she said. “There you go. I’m not happy. Happy now?” “I—” “I can’t deal with it anymore. Them or any of it. I want to get on a plane. Oh, shit. I need a tissue, please.” I fetched the box from the nailhead table and knelt before her. “This is so embarrassing.” “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” She laughed, wiped her eyes. “Okay.” With a second tissue she enfolded the first. “My parents have already put down seventy thousand dollars in deposits. I don’t even want to know what it’ll cost by the time it’s over. The guest list is over three hundred so far, and that’s just our side.... I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.” “It’s your life.” “It’s not. It’s mine, and his, and my parents‘, and his parents’, and grandparents.... Everyone is pouring everything they have into this. It’s like the highlight of my mother’s existence. I can’t do anything about it now.” “You always have a choice,” I said. “You’re doing it again.” “What.” “Talking in aphorisms.” “This is your wedding. It’s marriage. It’s not a pair of shoes.” She shook her head. “I wish I could send you to talk to them.” “I will if you want me to. Give me the number.” “They’ll just yell at you in Farsi. ‘Who eez dees? Vhot are you dooing?”’ She laughed wetly. “Anyway. At least one of us is happy.” “You should be, too.” “I’ll deal.” “You deserve more than that. You deserve to be happy in every respect. You—” She star
ted crying again. I apologized. “Never mind,” she said. She wiped her face. Then, with only the briefest hesitation, she reached out for me. IF I CONSIDERED the library a sacred space—and I did—then I ought to’ve felt ashamed defiling it. I didn’t. I felt terrific. I felt at peace, enjoying the softness of the carpet against my bare back. Yasmina lay bunched against me. Her makeup was smudged, her hair a black tangle, and the feeling of her there brought to mind quiet Sunday mornings past, when I woke early, her skin moist and darkly radiant among the pure white sheets, one neat lacquered hand darting out again and again to slap the snooze button, a quiet comedy that could last the better part of an hour. She spent a lot of time fretting over body hair, bleaching and epilating, the base of her neck, her forearms, the small of her back. In all honesty I preferred her the way she was. She always felt to me like a feral thing I had managed to tame. Now she sat up and began gathering her clothes. “Mina.” She faced away to put on her bra. “Mina. Talk to me.” “What do you want me to say? I’m getting married.” “Are you?” She ignored me. “Mina—” “Please stop. I feel bad enough as it is.” “Wait.” I sat up. “Let’s have a conversation.” “I’m engaged.” “To someone you don’t love.” “It’s still wrong.” “What can I do to convince you?” I asked. “You can’t,” she said. “Not even you.” SHE WOULDN’T LET me walk her home, so I called a cab and we went out on the front porch to wait. It was cold out, the moon in hiding. Behind me I sensed the heft of the house, my house. Watching Yasmina take pleasure in it had given me untold joy. “It’s going to snow soon,” she said. Her car turned the corner. “It’s up to you,” I said. “Remember that.” “Okay, Confucius.” I stayed on the front porch, willing her to turn around. But it was two in the morning, and she had to get up for work. She had decisions to make. Not even I could convince her. I’d made my case as best I could, and now all I could do was wait. I stood up to go inside. Fifty feet away, across the street, the darkness moved. A bright orange spot pierced the oily black—cigarette—and then disappeared.
21 C
ambridge emptied out for the holidays. Drew left for a poker tournament in Reno. Yasmina flew to Los Angeles, where her family was throwing her and Pedram a second engagement party. I stayed indoors, ordering food from the market, surfing the Internet, typing and deleting, inching forward, sliding back. Realizing that I would have to take more drastic measures, I called Detective Zitelli. “Not really,” he said, when I asked if he could tell me what was happening. “The autopsy must be finished,” I said. “They released the body.” “It’s finished.” The verdict was cardiac arrest, caused by an overdose of a combination of medications, self-inflicted. “What about Eric?” “What about him.” “You didn’t talk to him?” “Listen up,” he said. “I’m driving the bus here. Not you. Now, you can be an asset or you can be a liability. Your call.” I apologized. “You’re going to have to take my word on this, all right? But based on the information we have so far, it’s pretty clear that Ms. Spielmann took her own life.” I said nothing, thinking of her last, lonely hours on earth. “I know it’s not an easy thing to accept,” he said. “For what it’s worth, I can tell you cared about her a lot.” His tone, just shy of sincere, raised my antennae. I wanted to get off the phone, but I hadn’t yet asked my second question. In trying to make the segue sound natural, I ended up stuttering like a ham actor. “Uh—thank you. I app—thanks, but—detective? One more—sorry. One thing, about her thesis, the thesis. Do you think I might be able to get that back anytime soon?” I paused. “I need it, you see, for research purposes.” A brief silence. “I’m working as fast as I can,” he said. “Of course. Only that it’s rather important, and if the case is closed—” “I didn’t say that.” “Well, but you said it’s clear what happened.” “I said it’s pretty clear.” I had to hand it to the man: he knew how to split a hair. “A ball-park estimate, then,” I said. A longer silence. “It mostly depends on when I get it back from the translator,” he said. “... you’re having it translated.” “My German’s a little rusty.” I pressed my fist against my forehead. “I see. Well ... well, I could help you out with that, if you wanted.” “That’s nice of you to offer, but we got it covered.” “Anything I can do to help.” “Duly noted,” he said. “Happy holidays.” THE NEXT DAY I went back to the menswear store. The salesman recognized me, shook my hand, made conversation. With his guidance, I selected a set of gold cufflinks as a Christmas present to myself, one that entailed the purchase of a new shirt with French cuffs. I can’t say that either of them brought me to any substantial philosophical insight, but they did look quite dashing, and standing in front of the three-way mirror, I felt a sense of accomplishment, as though I had sewn the shirt myself. Consumption can serve as a proxy for production, can it not? I entered the store with nothing and emerged laden with goods: the shirt and the cufflinks, yes, and some matching slacks, and a tan shoulder bag made of a magnificently buttery lambskin. And a second shirt as well. To complement his two pairs of shoes, the well-dressed man requires, at minimum, one shirt in white and one in blue. Plus a third in pink. I always did like pink. So agreeable was I that I stopped at a women’s boutique to buy Yasmina a gift. Of everything on offer, a ruby pendant set in yellow gold was the clear favorite. I balked momentarily when I saw the price tag—twenty-six hundred dollars—but I reminded myself that I had to strike while the iron was hot, and worst-case scenario I could always raid the vanity again for more things to sell. I had the pendant gift-wrapped, signed the note with love from Confucius,
and shipped it to her parents’ house. On December 24, after making the requisite call home, I transferred my dinner from tins to plates, poured myself a large glass of champagne, and carried everything on a tray to the dining-room table, which I had set for myself for the first time, a gesture I thought appropriately festive. On December 27, Yasmina called. “What do you think you’re doing.” “Beg pardon?” “You can’t do this.” “Happy Hanukkah,” I said. “You can’t, Joseph.” “If you don’t like it, I can take it back.” “Whether I like it or not is beside the point.” “Do you?” “Seriously. What am I supposed to do with this?” “Wear it.” “Oh, please.” “Consider it a gesture of friendship.” “Oh please.” “You think it’s an unfriendly gesture?” “I think I’m engaged.” “That’s a start,” I said. “Before you were certain.” “Uch, will you please, please stop.” “I’m trying to woo you with brazen displays of largesse,” I said. “I don’t know, I feel like it’s working.” “It’s not.” “So you don’t like it.” “Of course I like it. It’s gorgeous.” “Then it’s working.” “Joseph ...” Her voice dropped. “Shit. I have to go.” “Wait.” “I’ll call you later.” “Mina—” She hung up. I smiled, then opened the refrigerator door and reached for the remaining champagne. THAT NIGHT I dreamt of Alma. We were walking in a giant emporium, like Wal-Mart but far larger, with shelving so high it seemed to bow inward, stocked to the edges with colorful items of all types, sporting equipment, cleaning products, children’s toys, all outsize and nuclear bright. The two of us were pushing a rattling shopping cart twice my height, grabbing item after item down off the shelf. The cart would not fill up; we kept reaching for more; and the rattling grew louder and lower, a monstrous gastrointestinal sound like a demolition derby. I asked her to wait; I needed a break; I couldn’t bear it any longer. She kept on going without me, though, and I screamed at her to stop, one second of quiet and rest; on she pushed, headed for the end of the aisle, and I knew that if I didn’t catch her soon, I never would. I felt around for something to throw, not at her but near enough to get her attention and make her realize that I’d fallen behind. I came up with a china saucer but hesitated, throwing a saucer is wrong, you can’t go around destroying perfectly good saucers. Up ahead she had begun to make the turn; it was now or never; and I coiled up and let loose. Away the saucer sailed, careening off the shelves, touching off chaos wherever it struck, boxes and products flying everywhere, plastic and cardboard in traffic-cone orange and co
olant green, everything raining down, burying me, blacking out my last sight of her. Five thirty-three A.M. and breaking glass. Eyes open. Chest prickling with perspiration. Outside, charcoal morning: the backyard, the quince tree peeled bare, the fence open, and there, something else, light knifing across the grass, its origin a downstairs room, its origin the library. Someone was in the house, I knew who it was, he was here. I reached for my bathrobe, took a poker from the fireplace, and crept downstairs. An icy draft led me to the back room, my old room, where I saw the leaded panel with the hunting scene smashed clean out. I reached down, touched one of the larger shards. The hunter’s cap. Or was it the deerskin? I could not tell. Now they were indistinguishable, beauty become trash. I turned on my haunches, trembling with rage. I expected him to jump up as I came into the library, but he sat there placidly, in the middle of the carpet, surrounded by crumpled paper, bent covers, loose ripped spines, looking like some deranged scholar. He had pulled down, and destroyed, the better part of a dozen shelves. “Get up,” I said. His hand moved beneath a splayed facedown book and came up holding Alma’s pistol. “No,” he said. “You sit down.” It is interesting how many calculations your brain performs in a moment like that. The distance to him; the distance to the door; the weight of the poker in my hand; the probability that the gun was loaded, multiplied by the probability that it still worked. The numbers clanked and whirred, but no solution came. I sat in one of the easy chairs. “Put it on the floor.” I put the poker down. “Give it here.” I did. “Good,” he said. “Now we can have a conversation.” I said nothing. “I can’t find the checkbook.” “I threw it out,” I said. He frowned. “Why’d you do that.” “It’s worthless,” I said. “They’re in her name.” He stared at me. “Why’d I come here, then.” I didn’t think that merited an answer. “Well,” he said, “that sucks.” I said nothing. “It’s really cold out there, you know.” I said nothing. “Really cold,” he said again. “She always liked it to be like a freezer in here. I used to walk around in fifteen layers. Can you imagine? She didn’t care, though.” I said nothing. “I know it was for her thing and blah blah. But a little human decency, you know? That’s the problem with people like you.” I said nothing. He said, “Take off your clothes.” I did not move. He pointed the gun at my chest. I stood up and removed my robe. Silence. He was waiting for me. I took off my pajama bottoms. “You’re not done yet.” I stood naked before him. “Are you cold?” I said nothing. He looked at my genitals. “You look cold.” He laughed. “Sit down.” “You can have the jewelry,” I said. “And you can go fuck yourself,” he said. Silence. I sat. Against my skin the upholstery felt like sand. “So, come on. Let’s talk about something.” Silence. I said, “What do you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know. Let’s see.” He thought. “Okay. How bout this. Did you ever think about her when you jacked off?” I said nothing. “Did you?” “You’re disgusting.” He laughed. “You were an embarrassment to her,” I said. “Maybe,” he said. “You’re a failure.” “Maybe. But I don’t know, man. I mean, look at us. Which one of us would you say is the failure?” I said nothing. “Say, ‘You’re right, Eric.’” I said nothing. “Say it.” “You’re right.” “‘You’re right, Eric.’” “You’re right, Eric.” “‘You’re right, sir.’” “You’re right, sir.” “Say, ‘I’m a piece of shit.’” “... I’m a piece of shit.” “Louder, please.” “I’m a piece of shit.” “Say, ‘I’m a douchebag.’” “I’m a douchebag.” “‘Who thinks about dead old women when he jacks off.’” I said nothing. “Aw, you were doing so well.” I said nothing, and he came at me and jammed the barrel of the gun under my chin, causing me to gag. “Speak. ” I could not. He pushed and I gagged again, and he smiled and as he did his head went back a few degrees, like Alma’s used to do when she was tickled by something, and I felt the gun loosen and my body rose up out of the chair and I crashed down on top of him, naked and burning and slick with sweat, I the bigger man, twice his size, he seemed to disappear beneath me, spraying hot spittle and his arms against my chest like power lines snapped and writhing in the road. Click I heard, click click click like a broken typewriter. He had miscalculated and so instead he slammed it, the gun, he slammed it twice and twice more against the side of my head and the world sucked out like the retreating tide and foamed in like the advancing tide and he broke atop of me, beating me about the face as I groped for the poker, my fingers closing around paper, crushing it by the handful and came the butt of the gun hard against my spine, a hollow sound of metal on skin on bone. He was going to kill me. I recognized this. My brain said it. It said He is going to kill you.
Jesse Kellerman Page 18