by Susan Lewis
She reached for her robe. Her hands were shaking, and she was afraid she was going to break down.
“How did it happen?” he snapped.
She looked at him.
“I mean, I assumed you were taking the pill or something.”
She shook her head.
“Bloody hell!” he shouted. “Are you mad? You must have known this would happen.”
“I was taking the pill,” she said. “It must have been that I just forgot to take one.”
“Just forgot,” he sneered. “Just forgot. You mean you meant to forget . . .”
“That’s not true,” she said. “It was an accident. I didn’t mean it to happen. Really, I didn’t.”
“Liar!” he shouted. He slapped his hand against his forehead. “Christ, I should have known that something like this would happen with you. I should have known that I couldn’t trust you. Bloody hell! What a mess!”
He looked vaguely ridiculous, standing there naked and furious. He drew his fingers through his hair. “You’ll have to get rid of it.”
“No!” she gasped.
“For God’s sake, don’t tell me you’re actually so stupid you’re considering having the bloody thing.”
“Of course I’m going to have it, why shouldn’t I?”
“Because I have no intention of having a child, that’s why not!” he shouted.
“Look,” she said, “I know you’re angry now, I understand . . . I know it’s a shock. But when you get used to the idea, well, you’ll see that . . .”
“Get used to the idea? I have no intention of getting used to the idea, so you can get that out of your head now.”
“But . . .”
“. . . and if you’ve got some fancy notion that I’m going to marry you, then you can forget that too. Jesus Christ, I don’t believe this.”
“B-but I thought you loved me.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, grow up.”
She began to cry.
“And stop bloody well crying, that won’t solve anything.”
She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes.
He started to pace up and down. “What is it with you women? Just what is it?”
“Look,” she said, “it’ll be all right. Really it will. We don’t have to get married, not if you don’t want to. We could . . .”
“You’re damn right I don’t want to.”
“We could live together. I could sell my flat and move in with you. We don’t have to be married. But it is your child as well, Joel, surely that must mean something?”
“No!” he yelled. “No! Are you listening to me? No!”
She turned away. After a while she said: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’ve got it all terribly wrong. I thought you meant it when you said you loved me, and I thought you might be happy that we were going to have a baby. I can see now how stupid that was. I’m sorry.”
“Stop being so bloody pathetic,” he growled.
“I don’t know what else to say.”
“Jesus, you’re just like the rest of your sex. You only see what you want to see, and you pretend that the rest doesn’t exist. Well, it’s no use pretending any more, Kate. I’m not marrying you, I don’t want the child, I don’t want you, in fact. I want nothing to do with this whole damn farce, and you know why.”
Her face was white as she shook her head.
“I’m already living with someone, that’s why. And don’t tell me you didn’t already know because I won’t swallow it.”
Kate caught her breath, and clutched the end of the bed to steady herself. He was still speaking, and she tried to stop herself from listening.
“. . . Jenneen knew, and she must have told you. All this pregnancy bit, it was to try and make me change my mind, wasn’t it? Well, I’m telling you here and now, nothing will change my mind, and certainly nothing calculated to trap me like this. Anyone would think we were living in Victorian times. You can’t go around using your womb to catch men any more, don’t you know that?” He turned back to the window. “I’ll give you the money, if that’s what you want, and you can get rid of it. But if you decide to keep it, that’s up to you, but I’ll deny it’s mine, and you’ll never see me again. The choice is yours.”
Her mind was spinning. So all along there had been someone else. She should have known, of course, from the times she hadn’t seen him for days, sometimes weeks on end. But he had said that Jenneen had known. So why had Jenneen never told her? This was a nightmare. She had made a fool of herself, and Jenneen had let her go ahead and do it. But no one was going to take her baby away from her, no one.
He was getting dressed, his face still dark with fury.
“Where are you going?” she said.
“I don’t know. Anywhere. Anywhere away from you. You’re stifling me.”
The tears were streaming silently down her face, and she did nothing to stop them. Finally he picked up his jacket and came to stand in front of her.
“You’re a stupid, stupid child, Kate.” His voice was less heated now. “If you take my advice you’ll get rid of it. If you want the money, I’ll give it to you. Abortions aren’t difficult to get these days. But we’re through. I don’t want to see you again.”
“Joel!” she cried, reaching out and taking his hand. “Please, don’t go like this. Please stay. Let’s talk, we can sort something out.”
He snatched his hand away. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m in love with someone else, Kate. What we had was just a fling. You knew that, and I never pretended otherwise.”
“But you said you loved me.”
“Words, Kate, only words. Don’t you know that people don’t always mean everything they say? You take everything so damned literally. You knew there was someone else, you must have.”
She shook her head.
“Well, ask Jenneen, she’ll tell you. And with any luck she’ll be able to talk some sense into you and persuade you to get rid of it. I’m going now.”
She watched him walk to the door, wishing she could die. She had known that he could be violent, cruel even, but not like this. To cause her such pain, to throw such brutal words at her. He had called her a child, and maybe he was right, she was a child. To have believed him, to have suffered the indignity of his passion, and the indifference to her feelings, and yet still to have loved him. Yes, she was a child but even worse than that, she was a fool, with no dignity and no pride left to her.
Kate was still sitting on the bed, holding onto the edge, when the door opened and Ashley put her head round.
“All right to come in?”
Kate didn’t answer so Ashley closed the door quietly and went to sit beside her on the bed.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
Still Kate didn’t answer, but two large tears trickled from her eyes and rolled unchecked over her cheeks.
“I saw Joel,” said Ashley. “He told me to come up. What’s the matter? Tell me what happened?”
“Nothing.” Kate shook her head. “Nothing’s happened.”
“But it must have, or else why are you crying?”
“Am I?” said Kate, and she seemed genuinely surprised.
Ashley took her hand. “Did you have a fight?”
Kate laughed, a mirthless, dry laugh. “No, no, we didn’t have a fight. Not exactly.”
“Then what?”
“It’s over,” said Kate. “He never wants to see me again.”
“But why?”
Kate looked down at her hands. “Because I’m going to have a baby.”
“What?” Ashley gasped. “But why didn’t you say something before?”
“I wanted him to be the first to know. Can you believe that? I wanted him to be the first to know.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I was childish, that I had planned it to try and trap him, and that I had to have an abortion.”
“Oh my God. How long have you known?”
“Not long. A couple of weeks.”
&n
bsp; “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t want to get rid of it. Ash,” she said, turning to face her. “I want to keep it. I can’t get rid of it. You understand that, don’t you? You’re a mother.”
“No one’s saying you have to,” said Ashley, trying to comfort her as the tears started again.
“Joel is. If I have it, he says he’ll deny it’s his. Oh Ash, how could he say such things? How could he be so cruel? It’s his child too, why doesn’t he care?”
“I’m sure he does,” said Ashley. “It’s just come as a bit of a shock, that’s all. He’ll come round, you’ll see.”
Kate shook her head.
The door opened again and Ellamarie and Jenneen came in. Jenneen was carrying a bottle of brandy and four glasses. “Thought we might find some use for this,” she said.
As Kate fixed her eyes on Jenneen, Ashley felt her tense.
“How could you?” said Kate, her voice almost a snarl. “How could you, Jenneen?”
Jenneen looked at her. “It’s only brandy,” she said, weakly.
“I don’t mean the brandy. You know what I mean. You knew, didn’t you? You knew all along, and you never said a thing. You just let me carry on humiliating myself, and crying over him, waiting for him to come, when you knew all along he wouldn’t. No wonder you were all so in favour of my seeing Nicholas Gough. You knew, didn’t you? You all knew!” She spun round, her face rigid with anger. “And not one of you told me.”
“Told you what?” said Ellamarie. “Knew what?”
“About Joel,” Kate snapped at her.
“What about Joel?” said Jenneen.
“That’s rich coming from you, who knew from the start. You knew there was someone else in his life, didn’t you? He told me you knew. I’ll never understand how you of all people could lie like that to me! I’ll never be able to forgive you for this.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Jenneen.
“Don’t pretend!” Kate shouted into her face. “You were the one that introduced me to him. You were the one that persuaded me to meet him, when all along you knew there was someone else. God, and you call yourself a friend! I’ll never trust you again.”
“Kate,” said Jenneen, “I didn’t know. I promise you, I didn’t know.”
“It’s too late, Jenneen, the damage is already done. I suppose it was all just a game to you, because you never think about anyone else, do you? Going around with that working-class chip on your shoulder, so above the rest of the human race. You make me sick! Do you know that? I don’t know what it is that goes on in that twisted mind of yours, but whatever it is, it’s poisonous. I never want to see you again. Now get out of here, all of you. Just get out of here and leave me alone.”
“Look, hang on,” Jenneen protested.
“No! I won’t hang on. Get out, Jenneen, get out!”
Ashley went towards her. “Kate . . .”
“Don’t touch me,” said Kate, recoiling from her. “Just go! I’ll ring for a taxi, I’m going back to London.”
“I’ll drive you,” said Ellamarie.
“No!”
“Look,” said Ashley. “You’re upset, shocked, but we want to help you, Kate, we care about you.”
“Don’t make me laugh!” Kate spat the words into Ashley’s face. “If you were so keen to help then why didn’t you say something before I went and got myself pregnant.”
Jenneen gasped.
“Yes,” said Kate, turning to her. “Pregnant! Now how do you feel? If you had been honest with me from the start this would never have happened. You’re as much to blame as anyone, Jenneen Grey, and I never want to see you again. Not ever, do you hear?” And she caught Jenneen by the shoulders and pushed her out of the room. “Now you as well,” she snapped, turning to Ellamarie and Ashley.
“Kate, listen, please,” said Ellamarie.
“Get out! Get out! Get out! Can’t you hear me!” Kate screamed at the top of her voice. Seeing that for the moment there was no more they could do, Ellamarie and Ashley followed Jenneen out into the corridor.
Jenneen’s face was white, and the others could see that she was on the point of tears.
“Don’t worry,” said Ellamarie, putting an arm round her, “she’ll come round, you’ll see.”
“But she’s pregnant,” said Jenneen.
“Did you know, Jenn? About Joel I mean,” Ellamarie asked.
Jenneen shook her head.
“Well, she’s too hurt to listen to reason now,” said Ashley. “What are we going to do?” They looked at each other.
Ellamarie pulled herself together. “Look, you two take a taxi back to London. I’ll wait here till she comes out,” and she started to usher them to the top of the stairs.
Jenneen wiped the tears from her eyes. Everything was so awful. Her life was already a mess, and now, because of her, so was Kate’s. She loved her friends, she needed them, but she would never be able to tell them that in truth, she had known. She had known about the other woman in Joel’s life, but she had never said anything because she hadn’t realised that it was so serious. And when she had seen the way that Kate was falling for Joel, she had hoped that Joel would fall in love too, and that it would all work out in the end. How does anyone ever tell their best friend that the man they love could be in love with someone else? So she had let Kate carry on, and she had told herself that, in the end, it would work itself out. She had never dreamt that Kate would go and get herself pregnant, the possibility had never crossed her mind. And that was why she was no friend. She knew Kate so well, she knew how desperately she wanted to have children. If only she had thought, then she could have stopped all this from happening. Dear, dear Kate, who so longed for a baby, and now to have one like this.
“Come on,” said Ashley, taking her arm. “Let’s go and find our things. You can stay with me tonight. Will you be all right?” she asked, turning back to Ellamarie.
Ellamarie nodded. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Once they had found their luggage, Jenneen and Ashley waited in the hall for a taxi to arrive. They sat in silence, and Jenneen was dreading that Kate would come down the stairs with Ellamarie and find her still sitting there. Ashley held onto her hand, and every now and again she gave it a reassuring squeeze. The footmen turned a blind eye, politely not noticing them.
“Ah, there you are!”
Jenneen looked up, and Ashley was shocked to see the look that descended on her face. It was so brief Ashley wondered later if she had imagined it.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” said Paul. “Where have you been?”
Jenneen didn’t answer, but Ashley could see that she was gritting her teeth.
“You’re not going are you?” said Paul, seeing their luggage on the floor beside them. Jenneen nodded. “But this is going on all weekend,” he protested. “I was hoping that perhaps we could . . .”
“No,” Jenneen snapped, interrupting him. “Something’s come up, we have to go back to London.”
She had known that he was on the point of suggesting that they repeat their earlier performance, when she had dragged him and two other members of his cricket team out of the ballroom and into a small room, hardly more than a cupboard, beneath the stairs at the back of the house. There she had proceeded to strip off her clothes, and sit astride him, his friends looking on, among all the paraphernalia of hunting gear. He had been astonished by her ardour, and her expertise at taking on three men in the way she had, but even more surprising was how cold she had been afterwards, before she had disappeared.
Luckily the taxi arrived at that moment.
“Well,” he said, as she stood up to go, “perhaps I could give you a ring sometime, in London.”
She muttered something that he couldn’t quite hear, and went to walk past him. Ashley went on ahead with the footmen, who were carrying their luggage out to the taxi.
Paul caught hold of Jenneen’s arm. “I’d like to see
you again,” he whispered. “You’re quite something, you know.”
Jenneen looked at him, and he drew back to see the contempt and loathing in her eyes.
“Going so soon?”
Jenneen turned to see his cousin Victoria coming towards them, hiccuping and balancing a glass of champagne rather precariously between her fingers.
Jenneen gave a sad smile. What was it like to be her? To have fun, and get merry like that, without the haunting presence of Mrs Green, just waiting for an opportunity to seize her and bury her in the gutters of shame and degradation.
“Yes,” said Jenneen, “I’m afraid something’s come up, and we have to get back.”
“Oh, what a shame,” Vicky slurred. “And we didn’t even get a chance to get to know one another. Oh well, never mind, maybe next time,” and she teetered off again, taking Paul with her.
The following day Ellamarie received the first spray of flowers.
EIGHTEEN
Kate shrunk away from the hurt and anger on her father’s face. Finally, out of sheer desperation, she had turned to him for help. After weeks of agony and indecision he had been the only one left that she could turn to, but now she regretted it. Seeing him standing there, his face clenched, fighting with himself not to say the terrible things he wanted to say, Kate wanted to run away and never see him, or anyone else, again.
He wanted to hit her, beat her – anything rather than have to admit and face up to what she was telling him. He turned away and leaned his hands against the mantelpiece. She watched his knuckles turn white as his grip grew tighter, and she was afraid.
In the end they had all let her down. Joel, her friends, and now her father. Not one of them cared about her, or what she was going through. Not one of them thought about the pain that filled each day, and the terror of facing things alone. She hated them now, Jenneen most of all.
She looked up as her father began to speak, and the sound of his voice was as if someone had a grip on his throat and he had to fight to get air. “He’s right of course,” he was saying, “you’ll have to get rid of it. You can’t even think about having it.”
Kate stared at him and felt that she didn’t know him. “Do you know what you’re saying?” she whispered. Her face was white, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. “You’re asking me to kill your own grandchild.”