by Susan Lewis
The telephone woke Ellamarie, but she didn’t mind, and Nick told her that Kate was sleeping, and that the doctor had said that probably the worst of it was over now. He wanted her to stay in overnight, so that they could keep an eye on her, but there was nothing more they could do that love and care, and a great deal of patience, wouldn’t do.
Nick decided against ringing Kate’s father. The thought of Mr Calloway left a bad taste in his mouth, and he didn’t care to think about why.
He went back into Kate’s room, and flopped down in the chair. He was soon fast asleep.
Kate’s doctor saw the police psychiatrist, and the two of them talked for two hours or more behind closed doors. When they finally emerged, the police doctor seemed satisfied that Kate was in no danger of doing it again, and he went away.
When Nick finally woke, Kate was sitting up in bed, dipping into a bowl of soup. She smiled over at him.
“How are you feeling?”
“Bit groggy,” she said. “But OK, I think.”
He got up, and went to sit on the bed. “Do you remember much about last night?”
She nodded. “Yes, everything, even though it feels like a bad dream. If only it was. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through all this. Have you spoken to the baby’s parents?”
He shook his head.
“No,” she said. “Probably not a good idea anyway. I’m sure they never want to have anything to do with me, or anyone else to do with me, ever again. I can’t blame them. I just don’t understand why I did it. Oh, I know, with the, well, with the you know, that it must have had an effect. But to do something so terrible, I can’t believe I did it. It was so wicked, so terrible.” Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. You weren’t well. You lost control for a bit, that’s all. But you’re all right now.”
She smiled at him. “Thank you, Nick. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”
“I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure,” he grinned, “but under the circumstances, I think experience would be a better word.”
She pushed her soup away. He pushed it back again. “Eat!” he ordered.
“But I’m not hungry.”
“Eat.”
She made another attempt at the soup, and he watched over her, making sure that she ate it all, and trying to ignore the rumblings in his own stomach. He couldn’t remember when he had last eaten; it felt like a week ago. When she had finished, he took the bowl and put it on the small table beside the bed.
“Does Daddy know I’m here?” she asked.
Nick didn’t meet her eyes. “No.”
“But didn’t you ring him?”
“No. I didn’t want to worry him any more than he’s already been worried. I would have rung him if things looked like they might get worse. But as no one seemed to think it was necessary, I thought I’d wait for a while.”
She nodded. “Probably for the best.”
Nick sat down again. “The doctor said you can go home tomorrow. If you feel up to it, that is. But you’ll have to register as an out-patient.”
“I’d like to go home,” she said. “I don’t like it much in here. Right now, I feel as though I’ve spent my whole life here.”
“There is one condition, though.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“I’m afraid that you’re not to be left alone.”
“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised,” said Kate. “But that’s all right. I shall go and stay with my parents, in Surrey.”
Nick nodded. He would have liked to offer to stay with her, in London, but she wasn’t ready for anything like that yet, and he must give her time. The thought of her back under the protection of her father made him uncomfortable, but he tried to push it from his mind.
The door opened, and a nurse came in. She picked up the bowl and, smiling at Kate, asked her how she was feeling. Kate answered politely, and Nick smiled to himself. Proper, polite little Kate. Almost like her old self again. But he knew that there was a long, long way to go yet.
“Could I have a word?” said the nurse.
Nick was getting up to leave before he realized that the nurse was talking to him.
“Yes, outside,” she said, as he went to sit down again.
Kate looked at them curiously, but the nurse was already half out of the door. Nick shrugged his shoulders at Kate, then followed the nurse outside.
“This way, please,” said the nurse, and she walked along the corridor.
Nick followed, wondering where they were going. When they got to the end, the nurse stopped, and opened a door that led into a small room on the right. She gestured for Nick to go through.
Nick was more than a little surprised to find Jenneen sitting by the window, obviously waiting for him.
“Jenn! What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see Kate.”
“Then why don’t you go in?”
Jenneen looked into his face. “Don’t you know? Hasn’t Kate told you?”
“Told me what?”
“We had the most terrible fight,” said Jenneen. “The night that she broke up with Joel.”
“But why? What was it all about?”
Jenneen gestured for him to sit down, and she went to sit opposite him. It didn’t take her very long to tell him what had happened, but by the time she had finished she was crying so hard Nick went to comfort her. “So you see,” she said. “It’s all my fault. This whole damn rotten mess. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s not. How can it be your fault? No one’s to blame, no one at all. With the possible exception of Joel Martin. But why have you come here now?”
“I had to see her,” said Jenneen. “I couldn’t stay away any longer. I don’t care if she hates me, I don’t blame her. I don’t care if she shouts at me, but I have to see her. You do understand, don’t you, Nick?”
“Of course I do,” he said. “And Kate will too. Why don’t you go along now?”
“Do you think she’ll see me?”
“I’m sure of it. Come on, I’ll come with you if you like.”
Jenneen nodded. “Yes, I’d like that.”
Together they walked back along the corridor until they reached Kate’s room. Jenneen hesitated as Nick made to open the door. “Perhaps you should warn her first.”
Nick nodded. “OK, but wait there, don’t run away.”
Jenneen smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”
Kate was lying back on the pillows when he went in, but she opened her eyes at the sound of the door. She smiled when she saw him.
“You’ve got a visitor,” he said.
“Oh? Who is it?”
“A friend of yours. Jenneen.”
Kate’s eyes widened, and she looked afraid.
“I think she’s got something she’d like to say to you, if you’ll give her the chance. Can she come in?”
Kate didn’t answer, but she looked at the door. Oh, how she had missed Jenneen these last weeks. How she had longed to talk to her, to tell her everything she was feeling. Jenneen was so strong, and she always knew what to do. But she had said so many hateful things to her, Jenneen would never forgive her.
Nick went back to the door and opened it. He gave Jenneen an encouraging smile. “You can go in now.”
“Aren’t you coming too?”
“No.” He steered her through the door, then walked away.
Jenneen stood in the doorway, and looked at Kate. Kate lay in bed, and looked at Jenneen.
Suddenly Jenneen sobbed. “Oh Kate!” she cried, and ran across the room to throw her arms round her.
“Oh Jenn!” Kate wept. “Jenn, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”
Jenneen hugged her even harder. “I’m sorry, Kate. I’m so terribly, terribly sorry.”
“And I’m sorry,” said Kate. “I should never have said all those awful things to you.”
“No, sssh! Don’t,” said Jenneen, wiping the tears from Kat
e’s face. “We’re together again, that’s all that matters.”
“Oh Jenn, I love you. Now that you’re here, I know that everything’s going to be all right.”
“It will be,” said Jenneen. “Oh, it will be!”
Nick wandered outside to see if he could find himself something to eat. He was surprised when he was stopped by a strange woman. “Are you Nicholas?”
He nodded, and looked at her curiously.
“I’m Victoria Deane,” she explained. “A friend of Jenneen’s. Is she with Kate?”
Nick nodded.
The woman seemed relieved. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes,” he said, “I think so.”
“Thank God for that,” she sighed, and walked away, without saying another word.
TWENTY-THREE
Mr Winston sat back in his chair. Ashley looked into his face, her eyes pleading with him to tell her what she should do. For the past twenty-four hours she had struggled to come to a decision, but it was hopeless; she was no nearer now to knowing what she wanted than she had been when Keith and Julian had confronted her. In the end she had turned to the old man.
He picked up his glass and shook his head. “It’s not easy,” he said. “Not easy at all.”
“I know.”
“And such a short time in which to decide.”
Ashley nodded, and looked into his kind, old face, so full of wisdom and understanding.
“Do you really love them both?”
“Right now I don’t know if I love either of them.”
“Then the answer seems plain to me.”
She looked at him.
“Don’t marry either of them. Not until you’re sure.”
“But Julian . . .”
“Julian must make his own decisions,” said Mr Winston. “He cannot, and should not, rely on you to do it for him. If he doesn’t want to marry Blanche, then that is his look-out.”
“But what if he does marry her, and then I decide that I want him?”
“Difficult, I admit. But as you are incapable of making up your mind now, that is something that you’ll have to face, should it happen.”
“Do you think it will?”
“How can I say?”
“And what if it’s too late?”
“I don’t think it will be.”
“But how can you know that?”
“I can’t. But fate usually has a way of working these things out.”
“I wish fate could tell me the answers now.”
“Fate might well be telling you the answer now,” he said. “It’s just that you’re too confused to see it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Only what I said. Probably the answer is there, somewhere, but you won’t let it out.”
“But I want to,” she said. “Really, I want to.”
“Then think about it.”
She shook her head. “All I know is that right now the only thing I want is to go as far away from it all as I can.”
He shrugged. “Then maybe you do have your answer.”
“But isn’t that running away?”
“Depends how you look at it. Keith will wait, come what may. He is in no particular hurry. And as I said, Julian must make up his own mind. It seems to me that he is hedging his bets somewhat.”
“Hedging his bets?”
“He hasn’t broken his engagement with Blanche, has he?”
“No.”
“Then he is hedging his bets. If you won’t have him, then he’ll always have Blanche. Whatever, he is determined he is not going to be left with no one.”
“I never looked at it like that.”
“No. And I daresay he didn’t either. But that’s what he’s doing.”
“Is that wrong?”
“What do you think?”
“I think it is,” she said.
“Of course it is. He is too weak to make a decision himself, so he is trying to push you into making it for him.”
“And you don’t think I should.”
“It’s up to you what you do. But I don’t think you want to make the decision right now. Now, if he were already free, it might look different.”
Ashley thought about that. “Yes, it probably would. But he isn’t.”
“No. So either he has to give up Blanche, and wait on your decision.”
“Or?”
“Or, one way or another, he could make four people very unhappy.”
“Should I speak to him again?”
“If you like. But I don’t think you will change anything, not now. Julian sounds to me like someone who plays his cards very close to his chest. He will see to it that he doesn’t come out completely on the losing side.”
“I’ve never thought about him in this light before,” she said.
“Maybe he’s never shown himself in this light before. People always change with circumstances,” and she wished Mr Winston could have been there to hear her say it.
“But what about Keith?”
“What about Keith?”
“He’s waiting for an answer too.”
“Well, you’ve said yourself, you’re not ready to give an answer to either of them. If you can go away, I think it would be best.”
“For a holiday, you mean?”
“Or longer.”
Ashley thought hard, then suddenly she realized what the old man was saying. He was the only one she had ever dared mention it to. “Do you mean . . .?”
He smiled. “Yes, I do mean.”
Until now it had only been a dream, but maybe, just maybe, it was the answer she was looking for. It need only be for a short while. A year, perhaps two. She would have to think about it.
“Would you like some more coffee?”
Ashley nodded, and smiled. “Yes, I’d like some more coffee. And how about a nightcap too?”
Mr Winston chuckled. “Now you’re talking,” he said, and signalled for the waiter.
The following morning Ashley rang Julian. “I’d like to talk to you,” she said.
He hesitated. “Does that mean that you’ve made a decision?”
“Yes, I think I have. But I must talk it over with you first.”
“Are you going to tell me anything now?”
“No, I want you to come round.”
“You’re at home, I take it?”
“Yes.”
“OK. I’ll be there in an hour. And Ashley . . .”
“Yes?”
“Whatever your decision, I still mean everything I said the other night.”
“I know,” she said. “See you in an hour.”
She hung up, and looked down at the phone, glad that the call was over. She had sat up practically half the night, thinking of nothing else, and now, for the first time in months, she felt strong. At long last she had regained control of her life; she could once again see things clearly, and not through the mist of loneliness and rejection she had shrouded herself in. This odd and unexpected twist in fate had renewed her lease on life, and silently she thanked Mr Winston for helping her to see the way.
She looked in the mirror, and studied her face. Now she was going to live her life the way she wanted to once more. Goodbye to the heartache, and goodbye to the weak indecisive woman who had staggered her way through the first pan of the year. And welcome to the woman she truly was, the woman of character. She laughed. Yes, she was one of the class apart, as Jenneen had called them. She qualified. Now more than ever, she qualified.
While she waited for Julian she rang Kate. There was no reply. She toyed with the idea of ringing Ellamarie, but decided against it – Ellamarie always slept late the morning after a performance. She made a mental note to call round at Kate’s later, and then tried ringing Jenneen at the studio. She was out filming, and not expected back that day.
Sitting beside the window, looking out over Onslow Square, Ashley contemplated her future. Things were going to be so different from now on, and she was excited. She was glad it
was spring. Spring heralded new beginnings, and there was going to be so much to do in the coming weeks. She pondered a while over how everyone would react when she told them her news.
The hour slipped past quickly, and soon Julian was knocking on the door. He eyed her warily as she opened the door, and she could tell by his face that he already knew that she was not going to say what he wanted to hear.
“Coffee?” she said, following him into the lounge.
“No thanks.”
“Sit down,” she offered, clearing the newspapers from the settee.
He sat down, and waited.
“Well,” she said, nervous despite herself, “I’ve arrived at a decision.”
“Have you told Keith yet?”
“No, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. In fact this all hangs on you rather.”
He raised an eyebrow, and waited for her to go on.
“I’ve been awake most of the night, and I’ve thought this through very carefully. It wasn’t an easy decision to reach, but I think it’s the best one, the only one, under the circumstances.”
“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this.”
“No,” she said. “No, I don’t think you will. But I need your help, and I am relying on you to give it.”
“I’m not making any promises.”
“You don’t have to, not yet anyway.”
She took a deep breath, and braced herself. “I’ve decided that I want to take the position of Executive Vice-President at Frazier, Nelmes in New York.”
Julian’s face was incredulous. His eyes were so wide she thought they were going to burst from his face. “Are you serious?”
“Quite serious.”
“Do you know what you’re saying?”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.”
“But Ashley, I’m asking you to marry me and you tell me that you want to go to New York. What kind of an answer is that?”
“It’s the only answer I can give, Julian. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’ve made up my mind. I have to have some time to myself, to find myself again, and the only way I can do that is to get right away.”