Shadows in Me

by Ramsden, Culine

  “Sure hun, just text me the address I’ll meet you there, or do you want me to drive you?”

  “No, it’s ok you can meet me there. Are you going in to work this morning?”

  “Yip. We’ve got a meeting at eleven with the new investors; I can pick you up afterwards.”

  “No its fine, I think I need some time to myself before we go, just promise me you won’t say anything to Vincent.”

  “It’s not my secret to tell Caitlin, but you’re going to have to tell him.” Heather was very concerned.

  “We’ll see.” Was all I said.

  Heather finished her coffee and walked out the door. I sat back and looked at all that was around me, everything reminded me of Vincent. He had been with me since I had moved in. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it, on the one hand it hurt to know that he was no longer a part of it, but on the other I needed the father of my child to be close by. I would never love another man the way I loved him.

  I put my iPod on its docking station and turned the music up. Music had always had the ability to help me forget my sorrows. I danced through the house cleaning and sorting things out. Heather and I had spoken about it the night before, and she decided that she was going to put off her big move with Cole until I was settled, and then we would decide together what to do. I knew it sounded selfish, but I needed her. Once the doctor had confirmed the inevitable, I would decide if I wanted to keep the baby or not. Call me a sissy, but this was just something I couldn’t do on my own.

  Earlier that morning I had received a message from Brent, just to check up on me and make sure all was ok. He said he would come visit me on the weekend, just to check on me.

  I was glad we left things the way we did, I really needed him as a friend, and if I had stayed I would have fucked that up as well.

  I lost track of time, before I knew it my phone was buzzing, reminding me that it was time to leave for my appointment with the doctor. I wished that I had asked Heather to fetch me, my nerves were shot.

  My doctor’s appointment went as expected. She went through the routine questions and then she did an ultrasound, she squirted some cold jelly stuff onto my tummy before doing the scan.

  “Well Miss Steward you see that little blimp over there?” She pointed to the monitor. “That, is your baby.”

  “And that sound you’re hearing right now, that’s your baby’s tiny little heart beating. Let’s do some measurements to see how far along you are. Mmmm…it looks like you’re about twelve weeks along. That means baby will be due mid-August.” She printed a picture and handed it to me.

  “Doctor, I’m a little puzzled, I was on a contraceptive, and I never missed a pill?” It was bugging me how this could have happened.

  “It sometimes just happens, were you on any other medication during this time?” The doctor was making notes and waited for me to answer.

  “OMG, yes I had flu and took some antibiotics.”

  “Well that could have cancelled out your pill.”

  “I see.” Was all I could answer.

  “I take it this wasn’t planned?”

  “No, it wasn’t.”

  “Miss Steward, there are options available to you, just ask my assistant at the front desk. I’ll give you a prescription for vitamins and some folic acid in the meantime to help with the pregnancy. Your next appointment is in 4 weeks, but if you decide not to have this baby, you will need to have made your decision before then. ”

  After seeing my little baby on the ultrasound, there was no doubt in my mind. I was going to keep it; he/she was part of me and part of Vincent. I might not have had him in my life anymore, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to give up this baby.

  “I’ll see you in four weeks,” I told her, “it might not have been planned, but it’s my baby.” I took Heathers hand and we walked out the room. My life had just been turned upside down, I was in shock, but this baby was my priority.

  “Wow, not the reaction I expected, but a good one.” Heather looked at me sideways.

  “I know, I think I surprised myself. But seeing my baby and its little heart beating so fast, I fell in love, there’s no way I could get rid of it.”

  “I am very happy to hear that, I promise I will be there for you all the way, you won’t be alone. Now the magical question, are you going to tell him?”

  “No, I’m not. He made it very clear he was done with me, so what’s the point. I will raise my baby on my own.” I shrugged my shoulders and walked to the car.

  “Ok, I can’t say I agree with you, but I will respect it. So now when are you going to tell your parents?”

  “I think my mother knows already, in fact I think she knew before I did.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I don’t know how to explain it, just something she said to me when I was there. I think the best thing to do is to go see them.”

  “I love you, but that one you’re going to have to do on your own, your mother scares me.” She grinned.

  “Oh nice, at the first sign of danger and you’re abandoning me.”

  “It’s not abandon, it’s …..”

  “Whatever. Anyway, I think it will be fine. I don’t think my Dad will be too thrilled about the idea of Vincent knocking me up, but my daddy will protect me.”

  “Ha ha, very funny, if your dad kills him, I won’t have a boss which means I won’t have a job. Then what?”

  As much as we were joking about it, it was breaking my heart that Vincent wouldn’t be a part of this journey. I wanted him back more than anything in the world, but if he came back now, I would never know if it was for me or for the baby.

  Our drive home was spent giggling about the upcoming changes to my body and baby names, and trying to figure out if it was going to be a boy or a girl. This was a new journey for me, and I could choose to cry about it or I could make it one of the best times of my life. I wasn’t just responsible for myself anymore, but also the brand new little life growing in side of me.

  “Heather, I’m scared.” I said as we got out of the car.

  “I know babes, let’s get inside then we can talk.” Heather was looking at something behind us, and when I turned around I saw him. Vincent was standing at the door of Simplicity. He was watching us. As a reflex, I placed my hand on my belly, and as soon as I realised what I had done, I turned and walked into the house.

  “I need something to drink.” I walked to the coffee machine and was about to pour myself a cup.

  “I’ll have that thank you.” She took the cup from my hand. “You can have a cup of tea.” I snapped around to face her.

  “You can’t touch my coffee, I need my coffee.” I pouted.

  “According to these papers, coffee isn’t good for the baby.”

  “Heather don’t joke, I’m not in the mood.”

  “I’m not joking, look here.” Heather passed me the pamphlets she had taken from the doctor’s rooms.

  Sure as hell, no coffee! How was I going to make it through this pregnancy without coffee?

  ‘NO NO NO”

  “It’s ok I’ll enjoy it for the both of us.”

  “I hate you right now.”

  “I know you do, but I love you lots, and someone has to look out for you.” She put the kettle on and made me a cup of chamomile tea.

  We sat down at the kitchen table drinking our coffee and tea when the front door opened. I had forgotten Cole had his own set of keys.

  “Hey there ladies.” Cole walked up to Heather and kissed her on the head.

  “Hi baby, missing me already? You guys done for the day?” She asked him.

  “Yes we’re done. I just wanted to let you know that Vincent and I are going to gym first, so I’ll meet you at my place later. You ok with that?”

  “Of course. But I’ll be staying with Caitlin for a few days, she’s been away for far too long, we have loads of catching up to do. Hope you understand?” I could see Heather was torn between being with him and being with me.

 
; “Heather I’ll be ok, you can go home.”

  “No, I want to stay with you.” She shot me a look.

  “Ok then ladies, I’m off. See you tomorrow Babes.”

  Heather walked Cole to the front door. I could hear them exchanging words, but Heather had made up her mind, and him being upset with her for wanting to stay here wasn’t going to change it.

  I needed to get cleaned up; I took my cup of chamomile tea upstairs. I thought that a nice relaxing bubble bath would be perfect. I started running my bath and while I waited I walked to the window.

  Vincent was standing by his car, he was dressed in white gym shorts that hung low on his hips, and was wearing a Hulk T-Shirt. Oh god, seeing him there brought back memories from when we first met. That first day I had seen him on the beach, the way he had taken my breath away. Oh god I missed him, even after everything that had happened I still loved him. As if he could feel someone’s eyes on him, he looked around till his eyes found mine. I couldn’t break away; I was captured by him once again. We stood like that for some time, until I heard the door slam behind me, I looked around to find Heather standing there, her make-up was smeared and she was angry.

  I turned back to the window, but he was gone.

  “What are you doing by the window?” Heather walked up to me and looked out the window.

  “MMMM…so you saw him standing at his car didn’t you?”

  “Yes. Why were you and Cole fighting?” I put my arm around her shoulder and we walked to the bed.

  “He was giving me shit about staying here with you, and then we had a fight about Dickhead.”

  “Heather, please don’t make my problems yours. You love Cole and this isn’t fair on him.”

  “You are my priority now and I love you girlie, I’m not going anywhere. So, you’re stuck with me, like it or not. Now, how about that bath?” She diverted the subject.

  Oh shit, I’d forgotten I had the water running. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, luckily the water hadn’t over flowed yet, but it was close. I tried to get the plug out to let some of the water out, but the water was scolding hot. Besides forgetting about the bath, I had also forgotten to put the cold water on. I was such a dumbass.

  I walked out the room to find Heather fast asleep on my bed. I pulled the quilt over her, and went downstairs. It would be at least half an hour before I would be able to bath.

  I made myself a bowl of popcorn and poured a glass of grape juice. Hell, if I wasn’t allowed to have wine anymore, grape juice would have to do. I was a crappy alternative, but I would do what was best for my baby. I switched the telly on, my favourite red headed Scotsman was on. I pulled the blanket over my legs and sat back eating my popcorn.

  It must have been three hours or so later when I heard my phone ringing; it was upstairs in the room with Heather. There was no way I was going to get to it in time so I just left it. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway. The next thing there was a knock on the front door. Who the hell could it have been at that time of the night? I got up and looked through the window first before I opened. It was my mother!

  Chapter 19

  Caitlin

  “Mom! What are you doing here?” I was shocked to see her standing in front of me.

  “Can’t a mother just come visit her daughter? I was worried about you, after you left I didn’t hear from you, so I thought I would come and see for myself.” She stepped into the house.

  I looked behind her to see if my dad was going to make an appearance too.

  “Don’t worry, I left Daddy at home, I was thinking we should have some girl time. What do you think?”

  Oh shit, a mother always knows. I was so glad she had come. “I’m so glad you’re here. I love you mum.” I literally jumped into her arms and gave her a hug

  “Wow, that’s wonderful, so I take it that you’re happy?”

  “Yes mum I’m happy you came, you want some coffee or tea?”

  “I would love a cup of coffee, you know me, coffee is what flows through our veins.”

  I started making my mum some coffee, and a cup of chamomile tea for me. I knew she would pick up on it; her eyes seldom missed anything. I was bracing myself for what was to come. She was very quiet behind me, and when I turned around I found her sitting with her elbow on the table her chin resting in her hand. She was looking at me with narrowed eyes.

  “Why are you not drinking coffee?”

  “I just don’t feel like drinking coffee right now, it’s late.”

  “Cut out the shit Cait, tell me the truth.”

  I knew I couldn’t keep it from her for much longer. I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant Mum, twelve weeks already.” I was waiting for her to go off her head, and start shouting at me, but she didn’t. She got up from where she was sitting and walked towards me. She didn’t say a word, she just put her arms around me and hugged me, we both started crying.

  “My angel, I’m here now, we’ll sort this out.” She pushed me back just a little so she could look into my eyes.

  “I’m really glad you came.” I told her.

  “I knew you needed me. I told your dad I was going to take a little vacation and I wanted to come and visit you. So, when did you find out?”

  “I went to the doctor today. But I should have put it all together. I have gained a little weight and been more tired than usual. I just thought it was all the good food and long hours at work.” That reminded me of the ultrasound photo the doctor printed for me.

  “Wait, I’ve got a picture.” I ran upstairs to get the picture out of my bag. Heather was still fast asleep on my bed.

  I grabbed my phone and the picture and started walking back to the kitchen. I wondered who had tried to call earlier; I unlocked the screen and saw that it was Brent. He also sent a text.

  Brent: Just checking in on you, all ok?

  I quickly sent him a text back.

  Me: I’m great, my mom just arrived.

  I stuck the phone in my back pocket just before I walked back into the kitchen.

  “Look, this is my baby.” I handed the picture to my mom.

  She looked at it with tears rolling down her cheeks. I put my arms around her and just held her tight.

  “This is my grandchild!” She turned her face and kissed me.

  “Have you told him yet?” I knew she meant Vincent.

  “No, and I’m not too sure if I want to tell him.” I let go of my mom and took a seat next to her.

  “He does have the right to know.” Her serious voice came out, when she got like that you listened to her.

  “I know, but I’m afraid. We didn’t really part on good terms. I don’t know how he’ll react. I don’t even know how he feels about having kids.”

  “I understand my darling, but you are already starting to show, how long do you think you’re going to be able to keep this hidden from him?”

  “I know, can we talk about this in the morning?”

  “Sure my Angel, we can talk tomorrow while we do some retail therapy.”

  “Thank you. I need to set up the room downstairs for you, Heather is fast asleep in my bed and her room is a mess. Sorry mom.”

  “Oh, Heathers’ here too? I’m happy to hear that.”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t have been able to do this without her today.” I placed my hands over my belly.

  “You’re very lucky to have a friend like her, I’ve always liked her, a little feisty at times but a beautiful child.”

  “She is special, but we could talk about her another time too. I need to go to bed. I love you mum.”

  After sorting my mum‘s room out I decided it might be a good idea to try the bath again. The water was ice cold and I had to run another one. I loaded it with bubbles and climbed in. This time the water was perfect and the bubbles covered every inch of me. I felt at peace. I lay with my hands cupped over my belly. This baby might have been a huge surprise, but it was made with love. If I had worked it out correctly, it was conceived that magical
weekend we had spent on the beach. I closed my eyes and let my mind drift there all over again. I wished he had been with me today. I wanted so much to be able to tell him about our baby, but I just wasn’t sure how he was going to react.

  “Hey chick!” Heather’s voice jolted me from my thoughts. I jumped, splashing water all over the bathroom floor.

  “H E A T H E R!!!” I shouted at her.

  “What? Did I give you a fright? I was calling you from the room, didn’t you hear me? Mmmmm, what were you doing in here?”

  “Yes, you did and I’m bathing, can’t you see?”

  “Yes, but you were a thousand miles away, I watched you.” Heather walked to the toilet, closed the lid and sat down to face me.

  “Sorry I fell asleep on your bed, I was pooped.”

  “It’s cool. Oh, my mum is here, got in about two hours ago.”

  “Yeah, I just saw her; I went downstairs for a glass of water and walked in her talking to your dad on the phone. So she knows?”

  “She knew before I did, it’s funny her pitching up here at just the right moment. Shit, was she telling my dad that I’m pregnant?”

  “Yes, and from the sounds of it, she was trying to stop him from coming over here and cutting Vincent’s dick off. I wouldn’t want to be on your dad’s bad side.” Heather pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them.

  “I know, this situation is totally screwed up, but I’m happy about the baby. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Wow, it feels good to say it out load.”

  Heather looked relieved. “You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that, I have been so worried about you and the baby. I was waiting for the bubble to burst.”

  “Don’t worry, I think I surprised myself with that one. But after telling my mum tonight, I realised that this baby is a gift and it’s up to me to decide what the best is for us. I can choose to cry and get depressed about it or I can choose to be positive and make good choices for both of us. It’s not just me anymore, I now have another life I’m responsible for. It’s scary but I have the best support system. I will tell Vincent eventually, but it needs to be on my terms and if he wants to be part of the baby’s life then that’s how it’s going to be.”