He took his Bible from the desk and handed it to me. "I don't know why I say things like that," He apologized. "I don't actually mean to sound so self-righteous."
"I know, but you have to understand. I still feel much anger about my parents' deaths. God let that happen so He's the one who gets the anger. And, I'm afraid, anyone else who is throwing God at me."
"I'm sorry, Barbara," he said gently. "I'm glad thee has Mike and Lyddy since I've made such a mess of this."
"No, you haven't done anything that terrible. You've given me something to think about. But can we look at those passages?"
"If thee wants to, after what I've said," he went to a window seat and beckoned me to him. "I didn't intend to throw God at thee as thee so aptly puts it," he added as I seated myself beside him. "Thee has become part of the family, after all and we care about thee." I was suddenly filled with the warmth of his words and the concern I saw in his face. He reached out to touch my hand that held the Bible.
"I shouldn't have gotten angry," I said feeling guilty.
"No, Barbara, thy anger was justified. I shouldn't have reacted as I did to what thee said. It's just that I've never experienced anything like thee has and in spite of my concern, I can't truly understand as fully as I'd like." "But I'm very concerned about thee, Barbara. If thee doesn't believe there's a God to pray to, how will thee keep from feeling alone?"
"I don't know." Was my resigned reply.
"Well, I'm not nearly as good a listener as God, and not nearly as Good, but I'm here. I'll do anything I can to help thee."
"I just need a friend who won't judge me," I said simply.
"I'm not judging thee, Barbara, we all have to come to God in our own way. I'll be here for thee to talk to whenever thee likes."
"So you will answer my original question?
"Yes, we can share this Bible. “I handed the book back to him and he opened it and began to leaf through it. "Let's start with the third Chapter of the Gospel of John," he said, handing the open book back to me. "Read the first 21 verses of this Chapter and then we'll talk about any questions thee has." I read slowly about Nicodemus and his nighttime visit to Jesus. I also read of the love of God that caused Him to send Jesus to save the world. "I don't see how this answers my question. I said laying the open book in my lap. "I asked about water baptism. This is about being born again."
"Jesus told Nicodemus that it was necessary for him to be born again to enter the kingdom of God," Paul began. "He specifically says that to be born again, one must be born of the Spirit."
"And of water," I pointed to the words.
"Of flesh and of the spirit," he replied. "That water is the water of natural birth. We believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit. If a person confesses sin and accepts Jesus as savior then that person receives the baptism of the Holy Spirit. And that person is born again to everlasting life. That's what it says. "Whosoever believeth on Him shall have everlasting life."
"So all I have to do is accept Jesus as my savior and He will baptize me with His Spirit?"
"And thee must repent of thy sins and turn to Him. We all sin in one way or another. When we accept Jesus as our Savior, our sins are forgiven us if we truly repent."
"It's too simple. There has to be a catch somewhere."
"No, He gives us the faith to accept the grace and the grace to accept Him.
I thought for a moment then slowly closed the book. "That's just about the same thing Mike said, and Lyddy too."
"I imagine it is. There are a few things that are true no matter whom thee asks," he agreed. "Give thyself time and these truths will become part of thy life."
"I don't know," I said confusedly.
His smile was full of understanding. "Thee doesn't have to know. Thee only has to believe."
I felt the love and concern in his words and smiled back. "I guess you're right,"~ I agreed rising. "Thanks for the talk."
"Thee is welcome." He rose too and put the book away.
"Are you and Betsy still getting married?" I asked, turning back to face him. "Have you straightened out whatever was going on a few weeks ago?"
"I think we will eventually. Her father wants her to marry Sean Murphy but she doesn't want to do that. She thinks she can talk him out of it in time for the wedding to take place as planned."
"I'm glad, Paul. I know how much you want this marriage."
"Yes, very much. But back to thee. Thee understands what I said?"
"Yes, and thank you." I said, giving him my hand. "I'll remember it." That evening, I opened my trunk and took my Bible from it. I wanted to reread the passage Paul had shown me. It sounded easy. I wanted to know more. The following day, I decided to ask Amy. Amy had become a Friend after she had grown up as a Catholic. She would understand more than Paul did how I felt. After dinner that day, I helped Amy do the dishes then asked if we might talk together.
"Of course we can. Is there something troubling thee, Barbara?" Amy's round cheery face was full of concern.
"I just have a few questions," I began. "Let me go and get my Bible." Amy waited for me in the sitting-room. I returned from upstairs, my Bible in hand and seated myself near Amy. "I talked to Paul a little about the Scriptures that explain what Friends believe. I've also talked to Mike and Lyddy. But you haven't always been a Friend like they have. I thought you might understand a little more how it is for me."
"I'll try. Why doesn't thee tell me how it is for thee? Then we'll go on from there." I laid my Bible in my lap and folding my hands upon it, I began. I was raised in the Lutheran Church. My parents were very active in the Church but they never talked about it much. It was just part of our lives. I never thought about why we went to Church or what we believed. That is, not until they got sick. They were sick for a long time before they died. I spent days and weeks nursing them. The doctor did all he could but they still died. I think that was God's fault. He is God after all. He could have healed them. I guess He could have anyway. That's what I was always taught. But he didn't. They died. So either there isn't a God or He isn't really like people say he is."
"Which is it then?" Amy asked firmly. "Is there no God or is He not what folks have told thee He is?"
"~I'm not sure," I answered, my confusion and bewilderment evident in my face. "I don't know."
"And if He doesn't exist then these questions thee has aren't important. But if He does exist they are. If He does exist then thee wants to know how he is different from what thee has been told."
"That's it. But there's more."
"What more?"
"I've seen something here in Fair Hill that I want. I've seen it in your life and in the lives of many people here. I want to know what it is and how to get it."
"What has thee seen, Barbara?"
"There's a peace about you and a certainty that I've never seen before. My parents believed in God and they were Christians but they weren't like you and your family." "How were they different?"
"They were always very caught up in the work of the farm. There was always something to do that should have been done sooner. They worked hard just like everyone does here. But for you it doesn't seem as hard as it was for them."
"I don't know for sure what the difference is, dear, I can't speak for thy parents. But I have an idea what it might have been. Has anyone ever told thee why we don't have communion services like thee had in the Lutheran Church or mass like I had in the Catholic Church?"
"I talked to Paul about this and to Mike and Lyddy too but we never talked about that."
"Friends believe that our lives should be a sacrament. We believe that everything we do should be done in a sacramental way. That includes our work. We have been given this land and everything on it by the Lord. It is up to us to take care of it for Him. It is not our land though and the things on it are not ours. They are His. We are stewards of them, caretakers."
"So you have to take the best care of them you can," I said thoughtfully.
"Yes. That's it." But I think
that in order for thee to understand fully what Friends are all about thee needs to look at the Scriptural basis for what we believe. We don't believe the things we believe simply because a man named George Fox believed them. We believe them because the Bible tells us they're true and because the Holy Spirit has testified to our spirits that they are true. I know that thee isn't sure what's true and what isn't right now but let me try and explain. Then thee can think about what I've said and the Scriptures I'll show thee and maybe it will make sense. I don't imagine thee is doing too much praying these days."
"no."
"Well, that's going to change when thee comes to some clearness about this. But we'll leave that in God's hands." I said nothing so, after a pause, Amy continued. "If thee truly wants to understand what the Religious Society of Friends is all about, we need to start at the beginning. I know that thee has been reading George Fox and many other early Quakers' writings. But thee now wants to see the Scriptures. So let's start with the 15th chapter of John." I opened my Bible and found the place. "In this Chapter," Amy continued, looking down at the page, "Jesus is telling his people how they are related to Him and how He is related to the Father. He says in the 15th verse that they are his friends if they keep his commandments. We are his friends if we keep his commandments. He says he no longer calls us servants but Friends."
"And His commandment is that we love one another." I said reflectively.
"Yes. That's right."
"Well, that makes sense. Now I know where the name comes from. But why do you believe what you do about ministers? None of your ministers are paid by the Meeting and no one ever calls them Reverend like they do in the Lutheran church."
* * *
Amy took the small book from my hands gently and turned a few pages. "Read this," she said putting her finger on a verse. I read: "So that means the only teacher or minister you have is Jesus himself?" I said pensively.
"That's what we believe."
"Then why are Paul and Jared Johnson and Molly O'Connor called recorded ministers?"
"We believe that everyone who has accepted Jesus as their personal savior is baptized with the Holy Spirit. And out of that baptism come spiritual gifts. We believe that God requires us to use these spiritual gifts for the building up of the Meeting. And when folks have certain gifts and use them faithfully to the best of their ability, we record that fact. They are not placed any higher among the meeting though than anyone else." "So your ministers don't act as go-betweens for you with God?"
"No. We don't believe anyone needs a mediator between themselves and God. Jesus came and died on the cross for our sins and he intercedes for us with God."
"What about baptism? Why don't you baptize in water?" Amy turned a page or two and read again from Matthew's Gospel:
"So even John the Baptist knew that Jesus' baptism was the new Way," I said, a reflective look on my face. Amy knew I was thinking very hard about this. She said nothing, simply waited for the next question.
"You know what I'm going to ask, don't you?" I said smiling as I looked up at Amy's expectant face.
"Thee is wondering about Communion now, I expect."
"Where is the verse that helps that make sense?"
Amy turned back to the Gospel of John. ***"Jesus says He is the bread from heaven and eating of that bread gives us eternal life. She turned to Chapter 15 and pointed out another verse. "Jesus is the vine we are the branches. If we abide in him we bear much fruit." I read the verses to which she pointed and then read further, stopping after verse 7. "What is it, Barbara?" Amy asked, seeing my eyes fill with tears.
"This is where the whole thing falls apart, right here." I said shakily. "Jesus said if we abide in Him we can ask anything and it will be done. But my parents died. I asked that they be healed and they died. Does He only keep His promises sometimes?"
Amy put the book aside and drew me close. "No, Barbara, He always keeps His promises. Thy parents died because it was their time. It was not thy fault and not theirs. God has thy parents safely with Him now, no doubt."
"But why now? Why not later?"
"We can't always know all the answers dear," Amy said gently. "But that doesn't mean there is not a God or that God isn't with us taking care of us. I happen to believe He brought thee to Fair Hill. I don't know all the reasons yet but I believe thee has come here because He wants thee here."
I drew away and wiped my tear-stained face. "If that's true," I said, anger and frustration evident in my face. "I certainly hope He lets me know what His reason is pretty soon."
Amy's smile was full of warmth and understanding. "I hope so too, for thy sake," she said. "Let me know if I can help."
"Thanks for listening and answering my questions," I said taking my Bible from the table.
Amy put a warm hand on my arm. "When I first came to Fair Hill, Molly O'Connor, who is my relative by the way, was the one who helped me. She's a very wise and discerning person. Perhaps thee should talk to her too. She and Rebekah Becker were both wonderful to me when I first arrived. I probably spent more time at Molly's and here in this house than I did at my Uncle's back then."
"Grandma Becker must have been special. Lisbeth says she barely remembers her but I've heard you speak of her often and I can see in your face how much you loved her." "She was my mother after the family in Ireland died," Amy confided. "And she was overjoyed when Andrew and I announced our marriage to the Meeting. She said she felt like I was already family."
"What was her husband like?" I asked with interest, seating myself again.
"Joshua Becker was another matter entirely. Paul has a moment ever so often when he's a little like Joshua. I try to discourage it."
"Was he stern and somewhat less than understanding?" I asked thinking of the talk the day before with Paul.
"Yes, and seemed a little self-righteous at times."
"That's how Paul was when I talked to him yesterday." I admitted. "And I told him so."
"Thee knows though that he's very concerned about thee?" Amy asked gently. "I think he's more concerned for thy well-being than even he is willing to admit."
"You don't mean what I think you're saying, do you?" I was surprised and felt my cheeks grow hot.
"I do mean that exactly. He doesn't realize it yet but he will. I just hope it's before he marries Betsy."
"He doesn't care for anyone other than Betsy," I objected.
"We'll see," Amy said mysteriously, rising to start supper. "We'll just see."
Time passed quietly for us all. Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas was almost upon us. Amy said we would celebrate it with the Hansens and the McIntires at the Becker farm. It would be as Thanksgiving had been. Everyone would bring dishes to contribute to the meal and the men would bring home some meat for us all if the hunting was good. Andrew seldom went hunting. We usually killed animals we had raised on the farm, sometimes a sheep, a chicken or a cow. But for Christmas, he usually went hunting for deer or for some kind of bird to grace the table.
"My father and mother used to raise geese and kill one for Christmas," I told Amy and Lisbeth one afternoon as we were talking together in the kitchen.
"We like goose too when we can get it," Amy agreed. "And the feathers come in handy too if thee has enough for a pillow or a feather bed."
"We had feather beds back in Wisconsin for winter. They kept us very warm." I remembered as I put the kettle on for tea. "I wish I had my feather bed now."
"I had one back in Ireland when I was a girl," Amy told us, a thoughtful look on her face.
"You came from there to Fair Hill?" I asked with interest.
"Yes, I had family here and when things got so bad for us over there they sent for me. I wrote and told them about how it was and they sent me passage money. Thee has met Jack O'Connor and his family, hasn't thee?"
"I've met them at Meeting, I think."
"Jack is my cousin. His father, also called Jack is my uncle."
"So you left home to live with your uncle too,"
I mused. "Did you lose your parents like I did?"
"Yes, in the potato famine. They starved to death."
"How did you survive?"
"I was a little less particular about what I ate," Amy admitted. "When one is hungry, one will eat just about anything.”
"And you became a Quaker when you got to Fair Hill so you'd fit in?"
"No, I didn't just become a Friend to fit in, Barbara. I was truly convinced that their way was Christianity as it should be."
"How did you become convinced?"
"I studied the folks around me and the writings that thee has been reading. I guess it happened over a period of time. I just came to know within that the Friends' beliefs were true."
"I wish I could be sure," I heard myself saying. "I just don't know. I don't believe there is a God in the first place." "I haven't said anything to you, Lisbeth, but Paul and I have talked about it."
"And thee doesn't believe in God?" Lisbeth was thunderstruck at the idea.
"I'm not sure whether I do or not." I said self-consciously.
"How can one not believe in God?" Lisbeth inquired earnestly. "Barbara, I'm not trying to be difficult with thee. I just want to understand. I've never heard such a thing." "Just because you've grown up here with parents and family who believe doesn't mean everyone does, Lisbeth." I said sternly. "I used to believe too before I thought about it instead of just accepting what I was told as true." Lisbeth was silent. I knew I had hurt her but I didn't say anything. I was tired of people not understanding.
Paul came in just then, shaking snow from his coat. "What's wrong?" He asked, seeing his sister's crestfallen face.
"She and Barbara had a disagreement," Amy hurried to say before Lisbeth could speak. "It's all right."
"No, it's not all right, mother," Lisbeth said rising to get her brother some hot tea to warm him. "I don't understand and I truly want to."
The Secret of Fair Hill: A Refuge in Fair Hill Book 2 Page 8