by Sara Hubbard
“Look at me,” he says quietly.
I shake my head.
“Look at me,” he says, his voice taking on an edge.
I don’t want him to see me cry. I don’t want him to see how much he’s hurt me, how much I’ve let him hurt me. But, a fire in me lights and I stand my ground, turning and holding my head up high. I shower him with all of my rage, focussing on his glossy eyes with my stone cold stare.
“We said we’re friends. That’s it. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
A tear falls from my eye and I hastily wipe it away. I watch his Adam’s apple bob and his gaze lowers. He won’t even look at me—he knows he did something wrong and he’s trying to free himself from the guilt or whatever.
“You’re a pathetic, selfish prick. I hope I never see you again.”
He reaches his hand up to my traitor eyes. “I…”
“You can’t make this better. You know what you did was wrong.”
“I told you that sleeping together would ruin us.”
“No, Sullivan. You ruined us. It was you.”
“I was drunk.”
I slap him hard across the face. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it's over and I feel the sting in my fingers and palm. He touches his cheek and glances to the ground. Good. I hope he feels guilty.
“That’s not an excuse. I know that. I’m fucked up. I always have been. Someone gets…close…and I can’t handle it. I don’t even know how to…” He gestures between us, “how to be in a relationship. I don’t think I’m capable of it.”
“That’s a load of shit, Sullivan. Lots of broken people overcome tragedy and they find happiness. You just have to be willing to let yourself be happy. My mother killed herself, left herself in a puddle of blood for me to find and then my dad checked out and turned to alcohol Three times was a charm for him in rehab. You think you have problems? You think you own the block on tragedy? Well, fuck you! If you don’t want to be fixed, you never will be, and I’m done trying to help you. You…broke my heart, Sullivan. And I’ve never given my heart to anyone. Never. The only one who makes you do fucked up things is you. Don’t blame alcohol or anyone else. Accept responsibility. Be a man. And stop fucking drinking!”
He straightens and takes a breath, as if trying to regroup and figure out what to say. Like he could say anything to make this better. “We never said we were exclusive…”
I want to rip his hair out and wail on him. I feel like I’m about to explode. It hurts just to breath. I narrow my eyes—how the hell could he go for such a weak excuse? He knows he’s a dick and he shouldn’t have slept with that girl; trying to justify it is just proof of why I should've listened to everyone who ever tried to warn me about Sullivan frigging Hope.
“What did you do last night? Get of jail and make a booty call? Was it that important to you to get laid straight after getting thrown in jail?”
He straightens his posture and his expression changes, like he’s no longer sorry, or he’s reassembling his walls to block me out. It's like his sad, vulnerable face has been replaced with a stranger’s. “I didn’t think you’d come over.”
I reach out to strike him again.
He backs away, his face growing red with anger. I turn and open the door, running back to my cabin, tears streaming down my face.
Nicole is in bed, snoring. She wears the same outfit she had on last night, only it shows signs of her battle. Her pantyhose are ripped; her dress is torn up the side, showing the traces of her G-string. Her hair is everywhere and her eyeliner and mascara are smudged under her eyes and down her cheeks.
I wipe my eyes and hop in the shower, breathing through my sobs as I collapse into a mess on the bathtub floor. I don’t want anyone to hear me. I don’t want to explain what happened so I can look like the fool that I am. When I get out, I call work. Keo answers the phone, and I ask him if he needs a hand at the clinic. The only way I know how to deal with my chaotic, all-consuming hurt right now is to stay busy. I’m determined to do that through my nursing.
I do a twelve-hour shift and when I get home, Nicole is still in the same position as when I left her, only her eyes are open.
“Hey, sleepy head. How was jail?”
“Ugh.” She throws an arm over her eyes. “Did you know there are exactly one hundred and fifty six flowers on the wallpaper on my side of the room?”
I glance at the red and purple paper and simply nod. “Productive day?”
She snorts and throws her arm back down on the bed. “Uh, I can’t believe I was in jail!”
“How bad was it?”
“Well, no one made me their bitch, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.”
I chuckle.
“What the hell happened, anyway?”
I shake my head. “I honestly don’t know.”
“But I jumped Sullivan, right? That’s what Ryan said.”
“It happened really fast.”
“The douchebag came by today to talk to you. I slammed the door in his face. He’s lucky I didn’t slug him again.”
“He came by?”
“Don’t sound so excited. He attacked Ryan, right? For no reason? Guy’s a maniac.”
“I don’t pretend to know why Sullivan does the things he does,” I say quietly as I crawl onto my bed, still in my scrubs. I should probably change out of these clothes but I’m exhausted—physically and mentally. I hold up my phone and look for missed texts and calls. I find none. Not that I expected any.
“I remember him being all over some girl last night. Please tell me you’ve seen the light? That Sullivan is ancient history?”
I nod, my face rubbing against my pillowcase. “Ancient history.”
My phone beeps at me and I see a new text. My breath catches when I see it’s from Sullivan. We need to talk.
I don’t hesitate before texting back: You said enough. Don’t text me again.
I toss my phone onto the dresser and get off my bed, changing into some comfy clothes.
“Want to watch a movie on my laptop?” Nicole says.
It sounds like a dream.
We slide into bed with some snacks and watch Twilight. I’ve never seen it before and since Nicole is madly in love with Robert Pattinson, she gushes during the movie. By the time it’s over, we’re asleep.
The next day, I’m supposed to work an evening shift so I sleep in until after ten o’clock. I’m hungry but I don’t want to get dressed and opt for cereal instead of eating in the staff cafeteria. I don’t eat much—my appetite has disappeared. Ella joins me in the kitchen for breakfast.
“That was some crazy shit that happened Saturday night,” she says between bites.
“Yep.”
Now Nicole has a fine to pay for drunk and disorderly. Ryan and Taylor weren’t drunk, so apparently they were let go without charges. I doubt Sullivan got off that easy. God knows what he was probably drinking.
“Sullivan showed his true colors after all.” She frowns at me and reaches out to lightly cover my hand with hers.
“You were right. I guess he was seeing people all along.”
“Sorry. When Ames told me I wasn’t sure if he was trying to start trouble or not. Ames is a bit of shit disturber, if you know what I mean? But…I guess he was doing you a favour, knowing I’d end up telling you.”
“I’m sorry? Did you say Ames told you about Sullivan messing around?”
She shrugs and takes her hand back. “Why?”
“No reason.” Ames. If this information came from anyone else I wouldn’t think anything of it, but coming from him I wonder if Sullivan was cheating. Of course I’m being foolish because I caught Sullivan with my own eyes. He can’t blame Ames for what he did, but I have a sneaky feeling that Ames had a lot to do with how everything went down the other night, and it pisses me off.
“I can’t believe Nicole and the others stayed in jail all night,” Ella says. “Sullivan and Ames were out right away. Guess it pays to have money.”
I nod and clea
r my throat before hopping up and rinsing off my bowl. I put it in the dishwater and Ella puts hers in beside mine. I take a long shower, talk to Dad and send my friend Julia a message on Facebook before getting ready for work.
When I get there, I discover Alice called in sick and I’m working with Keo. The day is busy, thankfully, and I don’t have much time to think about Sullivan—or not think about him. Because even not thinking about him is thinking about him. I swear it makes no sense but it’s the truth.
At the end of my shift, I say good-bye and head for the hotel entrance. Sullivan waits for me outside. He knows the way I walk home so he catches me. I should have gone a different route.
I walk past him, not even acknowledging him.
“Abby, stop. Just stop!” He reaches out to grab my arm and I pull away, my anger balling up inside of me and concentrating in my fists. I swear, if he touches me again, I will hit him.
“We need to talk. Please.”
“You have two minutes and then I never want to see you again.”
He nods. “I deserve that. I know I do.”
I glance at my watch. “One minute fifty seconds.”
“Jesus, Abby. Give me a break.”
I laugh—yes, that’s exactly what he deserves.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?”
I back away from him. “No. I don’t think so.”
“I like you, Abby! God, I like you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.”
“That’s just it. I can’t stop thinking about you. All the time, you’re in my head. I can’t get you out of my mind. I’ve never had someone consume me like you do. It’s driving me insane. I thought if I…if I just started…”
“Sleeping around?”
“I know that sounds awful, but yes, if I was with other women, I wouldn’t be so focussed on you, but it didn’t work. The whole time I was with her, I couldn’t get your face out of my mind. I don’t know how to deal with feelings like this. I’ve never cared about anyone, never…loved anyone. Never.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Abby, I didn’t even love my mother. No one. You have to understand that this is new and scary, and it freaks me the fuck out. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just…” He grips his hair with his hands, pulls, and lets out a strangled scream. “I barely know you and I think I fucking love you. How can that be? How can I spend twenty-four years not loving anyone, and fall in love with you in a few weeks?”
I breathe in and out, my anger settling. I don’t know what to feel right now. I honestly don’t. I can’t say I forgive him because I don’t, but do I understand? Maybe. I shut down after my mother and I never opened up again, not until Sullivan. Still, I won't do to him what he did to me. It’s yet another example of how destructive he can be. I’m not willing to let him into my heart again just to hurt me for a second time.
“I’ll talk to you, Sullivan, but you've hurt me. I’m not sure I can forget that.”
We amble along the path. I listen to the cicadas, the ruffling leaves, and the sounds of our feet crunching on the gravel. When we reach my cabin, we stop and he asks me if I want to go in and change, but I don’t. I’m not ready to be away from him yet. Just being near him makes my heart hurt less. We reach his Jeep and climb in. He heads out on the highway and I recognize the route we take. It leads to Eagle’s Rock. He’s taking me to the waterfall. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s not exactly the right place for us to talk. For him and me, it seems a touch romantic, and we’re not there yet. We might not ever be again.
We drive with the windows down and I hold my hair and pull it up in a messy bun to keep it out of my face. It’s dark and a half moon sits in the sky.
“I don’t think you’ve ever been this quiet before,” he says.
“Just waiting for you to explain what happened last night, I guess. You were with that girl and then you were beating up Ryan.”
“Is that his name?” He glances at me, and I see hatred building inside of him.
“You were jealous. Is that why you attacked him?”
“I told you, you make me crazy. I’m so consumed by what I feel for you it’s overwhelming—and the alcohol sure didn’t help. When Ames saw you leaving with him he came and told me and I couldn’t even stop myself from following. I knew I’d lose you if I stayed but I also worried I’d lose if you I left.”
Ames. I frigging hate him. Why does he have to be so involved in Sullivan’s and my business? “But he was just giving me and Nicole a ride home.”
“I didn’t see Nicole.”
“That’s because she was running around the parking lot yelling, serpentine!”
Sullivan glances at me, curious.
“Don’t ask.”
“This Ryan guy, you think he’s attractive?”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “I think you’re attractive.”
He clears his throat and focuses his glare on the road.
“Are you really that jealous?” I ask him.
“I suppose I am. Never have been before, but then, I haven’t ever had anything I couldn’t stand to lose.”
He pulls over and gets out. I follow his lead, trekking through the trails in my nursing shoes. They’re good shoes so the hike isn’t difficult. When we get to the ledge I find a blanket and a lantern. I raise an eyebrow at him.
“I didn’t know if you’d come, but I hoped you would.”
I sit on the blanket and he sits facing me, his hands tentatively reaching out to take mine. I hesitate at first; taking his hands feels like giving in, and I don’t want to do that. Forgiving him makes me feel foolish or a glutton for punishment. I’m neither of those things and yet, I love him. I do. I just don’t know what that will mean for us.
He fidgets for a moment, staring down at our hands like they’re our lifelines. My heart breaks when he looks like this. It’s not my job to save him, and yet seeing him suffer hurts more than anything he could do to me.
“Sullivan, just tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Can we fix this? I want this.”
“It depends on you.”
“I should have talked to you, but I don’t talk to anyone. This just isn’t easy for me.”
“You said you never loved anyone before. You never loved your mother? Your grandfather?”
He shakes his head. “My mother was never around. To be honest, I’ve never been clear on whether or not she wanted me or the money my dad paid her. She was never affectionate with me, never hugged me or told me she loved me. She was always kind of turned off. Couple that with my dad and I guess I come by the way I am honestly.”
“But your grandfather? He took you in?”
Sullivan laughs but it’s anguished, like the thought cuts into his soul. “My grandfather took me in out of obligation. I only lived with him in the summer when I wasn’t in school. When I lived with him, I called him Sir and he called me Boy. I don’t think he ever called me by my name. When he died and left me a trust fund, I had no idea if it was because he felt he should—for appearance's sake—or because he cared about me and wanted to make sure I was financially secure.”
“Sullivan,” I say quietly. I pull him into a hug and his head lands on my shoulder, but it takes a minute for him to hug me back. “I’m so sorry you grew up around people like that. You’re so special and you deserve to be loved, but the way you act doesn’t really make people want to love you. I would never have hurt you, not for anything in the world.” The words I love you are on the tip of my tongue. I don’t even realize what I feel from him until it hits me in this moment. But I don’t say it. No. I’m too afraid.
“And at the end of the summer? When this is all over and we go back to our lives. Then what?”
I shrug. “There aren’t any guarantees, Sullivan. All I can say is I…care about you…so much…and I mean it. Everything else is just a leap of faith. I’d rather be with you and have you for however long this lasts than never have met you at all. Don’
t you agree?”
He sighs and lifts his head, his lips inches from mine. “Yeah. I do.”
He grabs a hold of me and crushes my lips to his. I kiss him back, moving with such intensity as if our lives depended on it. His hands are at the hem of my scrub top and he pulls it off, tossing it behind us. I work my hands down his shirt, undoing each button before lowering it down over his arms. He lays me down, hovering over me as I wiggle out of my pants. His are gone without me ever realizing he removed them.
“So beautiful,” he says, propping himself up with one elbow and caressing my face with this opposite hand. “I hurt you, Abby. I won’t ever forgive myself for that.”
I touch his lips with my finger before he settles in between my thighs. I arch my hips upward, meeting his erection and he pushes against me, hitting my clitoris. He rubs against me as we kiss. His tongue and lips kiss every inch of my face, neck and collarbone as his hands explore my breasts.
“I can’t wait, Sullivan,” I say, panting. I feel I might explode if he doesn’t enter me soon and I push against him, willing him to push inside of me. It seems he can’t wait either, because the tip of his erection presses against my nub before he drives it inside me. We gasp in unison, neither of us ready for the intense pleasure and the hint of pain that comes with him shoving so deep inside me. He pumps into me over and over. My orgasm comes quick, making me scream out his name. There’s no one here. We don’t have to be quiet. We can be as loud as we want and no one will ever hear. He keeps going, harder and faster and I quiver around him, sending him over the edge. After he fills me, his breath is hot in my ear. He touches his forehead to mine.
He sighs and rolls onto his side, but he doesn’t pull away like I expect him to. I expect the moment to be effectively shattered, but instead he pulls me against him and wraps his arms around me, nuzzling his nose against mine.
“I don’t want to think about anything else right now, just me and you. Okay?”
“Okay, but if this is going to work there can’t be anyone else. If you freak out you need to tell me about it. Don’t turn to someone else. I don’t think I could forgive you again.”