by Jen Minkman
No. This would not be so easy.
When Hannah came back, a new beer for Ben and a glass of juice for Josh had just arrived. Ben was lighting a cigarette.
“Nasty habit,” Josh remarked.
“Isn’t tobacco a holy plant in your culture?” Ben threw back, taking a drag.
Josh grinned. “Still.” He eyed Hannah as she sat down again.
“Don’t ask me to back you up,” she said. “I only quit myself a few months ago.”
“You were a smoker? I can’t remember you smoking.”
“I hadn’t smoked for very long. During my last year with Greg, when I started working. Mainly stress-related, I suppose.”
“Oh,” Josh said, staring into his glass of apple juice. He was silent for a moment. “So… you guys broke up?”
“Yeah, I broke up with him. I couldn’t go on.”
“And now? Are you dating someone else?”
What a strange sensation, discussing her love life with him. Last time she had seen Josh, he’d just been a young boy. She cleared her throat and quickly shook her head. “No, actually. I’m fine on my own. You know, a bit of me-time. I need freedom.”
In the silence that followed, she cringed. In hindsight, that didn’t come out the way she wanted. In fact, she positively sounded like she wasn’t interested in dating for the next ten years. All she needed was a T-shirt saying ‘Don’t Ask Me Out’.
“You know, you’ve always needed freedom,” Josh suddenly said warmly. “You’re like a butterfly. Beautiful, fragile, hard to catch.”
Hannah blinked. What the heck was she supposed to say to that?
Fortunately, Ben saved her from another awkward silence. “Are you exploring your Navajo background again, Josh? White Americans don’t believe in totem animals, FYI.”
The conversation continued, mainly between Ben and Josh. Hannah decided to play wallflower for the rest of the evening, so she wouldn’t blurt out more stupid remarks or blush again when Josh teased her. It helped to calm her nerves, but it didn’t stop her from getting more and more interested in Josh. He really fascinated her. The longer she sat at the table with him, the less she could imagine that he wasn’t even an adult yet. He told them about his plans to start his studies after the summer to become a teacher, his ambition to offer young people on the reservation more job opportunities, the lessons in Navajo history he would teach them – heck, he already had more plans now than some of her colleagues at school would have in a lifetime.
“I’ll pick you up in my car tomorrow,” Josh told Ben after their trout dinner. “We should go fishing. Grilling your own fish is so much better.”
“Do you have your own car?” Hannah asked in surprise, temporarily forgetting she wanted to stay out of the conversation.
“Yeah, a Mustang. I got it from my family when I passed driver’s ed.”
“How about that motorcycle? Don’t tell me you own a vehicle fleet on the rez.”
“No. I borrow that bike from my cousin every now and then.”
“You have a license for the bike, too?”
Josh shrugged. “No one has ever pulled me over,” he replied placidly. “Don’t tell on me.” He gave her a conspiratorial smile, and her heart skipped a beat. Why did he have the power to do this to her?
“Are you planning on passing the test at some point, though?” she quickly went on.
“Yeah, when I turn eighteen and get some extra money.” Josh leaned into her. “It’s my birthday soon, so maybe that will ease your mind.”
“That’s right!” Ben exclaimed. “At the beginning of August, right? Are you going to have a party?”
“Of course he will,” Hannah said. “He’s going to be a real man!” Hopefully, Josh hadn’t seen her scoot away when he was leaning into her like that. She thought he was man enough now to make her heartbeat go through the roof when he came so close.
Josh laughed. “Actually, I already am. In our tribe, the initiation ritual where a boy turns into a man takes place on the boy’s fourteenth birthday. We all take a vision quest.”
Ben whistled. “Wow, you grew up early.”
“You’re right.” Josh grew silent, staring into the distance. He suddenly seemed lost in thought.
Hannah observed Ben in surprise. How strange that Josh had been through such an important ritual without telling Ben about it. Judging from the confused look in Ben’s eyes, this was the first time he heard about Josh’s vision quest.
“Well, I still think you should throw a party,” she said, breaking the uneasy silence.
Josh blinked and nodded slowly, coming back to reality. “Yeah, I will. Consider yourselves invited.”
The waitress showed up to clear the table and put down three dessert menus. Ben quickly picked out what he wanted, and took Hannah by the hand when the band started playing ‘I ‘ve Got You Under My Skin’.
“Come on, let’s dance,” he suggested, pulling her from her seat. He knew this was one of her favorite songs. Hannah followed her brother to the edge of the deck, where they stepped onto the sand. They started to dance an improvised quick-step. People turned their heads to look at them, and within minutes, more dancing couples had joined them on the beach.
“I am so glad I’m going to be here all summer,” Hannah sighed, beaming at Ben. “My first year of teaching was kind of stressful. I needed this. It’s just like old times.”
Ben smiled, stroking his sister’s hair. “That’s why I said you should spend your vacation in St. Mary’s Port. It’s the best place to relax and let go of things. I knew you’d enjoy a nostalgic summer.”
The song had come to an end. With a start, Hannah saw Josh coming toward them from the corner of her eye. Her heart sped up to a hum. Was he going to ask her to –
Josh casually tapped Ben on the shoulder. “Can I have the next dance?”
“Sure.” Ben smiled, letting go of his sister. Hannah felt her heart in her throat when Josh lightly put one hand on her back and used the other to grab her hand.
“Do I have your permission too?” Josh asked with a smile, after Ben walked back to the table.
“Y- yes.” She was momentarily lost for words.
“Wow, you sound eager,” he said dryly.
Hannah laughed nervously. Great – she sounded just like those giggling freshman girls she’d taught this year. Maybe she should have been more understanding toward them. She wasn’t doing a whole lot better.
“I’d love to dance,” she added quickly.
At that moment, the band started to play ‘Moon River’. One of her top ten romantic songs. What twist of fate made this song play right now? And of course, she had absolutely no idea how to dance with him to this slow and mournful music.
“Uhm…” she started out, fumbling indecisively. “I don’t really know what to do.” Because obviously, she’d been wasting her money taking dancing lessons for two years. She couldn’t come up with anything. Anything. Except pressing her body against him and hoping it would look like some sort of dance.
Josh smiled. “Come here.” He pulled her even closer. Hannah felt his body against hers and his hand on her lower back.
“Put your chin on my shoulder,” he mumbled into her ear.
“But – I won’t be able to see where we’re going.” Immediately, she realized just how stupid that sounded. Like Josh was going to abduct her while dancing on the beach with her brother in plain sight.
She heard him chuckle. “I’ll give you a live report. Okay?”
Hannah gave up and put her head on Josh’s shoulder. She stared at the tables on the deck, the beach stretching out behind them, and the blood-red evening sky. If only the beauty of the surroundings would calm her, but it didn’t. The warmth coming off Josh’s body and his arms around her completely confused her. Although Josh had promised her a live report, he didn’t speak at all during their dance together. He turned her around in a circular dance that had no name. It wasn’t a quick-step. It wasn’t a waltz. It wasn’t anything, r
eally, but she didn’t care. It felt perfect.
Did Josh even have the slightest idea of the effect he had on her? She would have loved to glance up and see the look in his eyes, but she didn’t dare. Hannah’s gaze wandered over his shoulders, where small grains of sand were stuck to his skin, catching the light from the setting sun. They reminded her of stardust, and of the starry skies she’d always looked up at when she was a little girl, lying in the grass, finding the constellations.
Her eye fell on a birthmark under Josh’s collarbone. It was shaped like an animal. Strange – she couldn’t remember seeing it before.
“Did you always have that mark?” she wondered softly, absently touching his skin with her index finger. Josh stopped breathing, and she looked up. He was staring at her hand, and then briefly at her. His gaze drifted to the sand below their feet.
“No,” he replied after a long, awkward silence. “Last time you saw me I didn’t have it yet. I got it – after that.”
“Oh.” Well, that was weird. After all, they were called ‘birthmarks’ because people were born with them. “It’s shaped like an animal,” she pointed out, suddenly realizing her hand was still on his chest. She quickly let it slide down.
“A bear,” he said crisply. He avoided her eyes and scanned the deck behind them. “Let’s go eat our ice cream.”
Hannah frowned. Something in his attitude had clearly changed after she mentioned his birthmark. “Look, I’m sorry if I was prying.”
He looked down at her, a sudden touch of tenderness in his eyes. “You’re not prying,” he said softly. Then he pressed his lips to her hand – the hand he was still holding – in a quick, soft kiss. He stepped back and headed toward the table. Hannah let her hand fall to her side and let out her breath. Apparently, she’d been holding it again.
With a sour face, she rubbed her forehead. Yep, Ben was absolutely right. St. Mary’s Port was definitely the best place to relax and let go of things.
Hannah strolled back home in silence, Ben walking next to her. Maybe he was wondering why she was so absent, but actually her brother was a bit quiet himself. She would have liked to share with him how this evening with Josh had confused her – more specifically, how his sudden growing spurt had ramped up her dormant hormones – but perhaps she wasn’t ready for Ben to know yet. Still, it felt weird not to say anything to him. She always talked to Ben about everything that was on her mind, and he was the same with her.
She looked up to see some people sitting on the porch of the neighboring house, their faces illuminated by the large candle on the table they were sitting at.
“Hey, there’s Ivy,” Ben said, finally waking up again. He waved at the new neighbors and pulled Hannah along to their front porch. “Let’s go and say hi.”
“Hi, Ben,” Ivy said with a smile, getting up. “Look, Amber, Ben’s sister is here too.” She nudged her sister, who was engrossed in a book.
“Oh, hello,” Amber said shyly. She had red hair, like Ivy. Hannah shook hands with the girls and their parents.
“Paul Greene,” the father of the girls introduced himself. “Have you just arrived?”
Sarah, their mother, poured coffee for the two visitors. They sat down on one of the porch benches and told the neighbors enthusiastic stories about their previous summers in St. Mary’s Port.
Hannah’s gaze wandered to the book Amber still had in her lap. “Herbal Remedies,” she read aloud. “Are you reading that for fun, or as part of a curriculum?”
Amber shrugged. “I’m going to study naturopathy after the summer, but I haven’t started yet. So I guess that makes it for fun.”
Hannah chuckled. Yup, she and Amber would get along well. “Well, if you like picking herbs and wild plants, you should help me and Ben sometime. We’re going to organize a barbecue with some friends from the reservation soon. We used to do that at the lake every summer. Ben and Josh would catch fresh fish, and Emily and I would pick berries. We were real hunter-gatherers.”
“We’d love to join you! I could make myself useful by cleaning the fish. I had a job at the fish market once, for no other reason than desperately needing the money. I guess I’m an expert by now.”
Ben rolled his eyes. “Thank God you’re here. I always have to help Josh gutting the trout, but I don’t have a big thing for entrails.”
“And I can bait fish like nobody’s business,” Ivy supplied with a grin.
Hannah pouted. “What? Is nobody going to help me pick berries?”
Ben chuckled, a large grin taking up his whole face. “Oh, don’t worry. Josh will help you out. I bet you won’t mind going into the woods with him.”
“Shut up.” Hannah felt herself turning red. Swallowing hard, she avoided Ben’s gaze after giving him a withering look.
In the meantime, Paul and Sarah cleared away their coffee cups and wished everyone goodnight. After one more drink, Ivy and Amber decided to turn in for the night as well, and Hannah and Ben got up to leave. “See you soon,” Ben said, waving at the two girls disappearing inside.
They walked back to their own cabin in awkward silence, and both sat down on the porch steps saying nothing. Finally, Ben cleared his throat. “Uhm... I wasn’t serious or anything.” He lit a cigarette. “You know, about that stuff.”
“What stuff?” She was trying to sound clueless on purpose. She knew exactly what Ben was talking about.
“About the woods.” Ben glanced sideways. “About Josh. I didn’t want to tick you off.”
Hannah shifted. She couldn’t really deny Ben’s joke had made her uncomfortable – he’d seen her go red. On the other hand, she could hardly admit now that the idea of running off into the woods with Josh was kind of a turn-on for her. She had practically bitten Ben’s head off when he suggested it.
“You didn’t tick me off,” she finally said, because Ben kept staring at her, his face a big question mark.
“Then what?”
Hannah sighed. She brushed an imaginary speck of dust from her skirt. “I felt caught.”
“Something’s up between you and Josh.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. So he wasn’t oblivious to the tension passing between them after all. Hannah looked sideways, suddenly so nervous she wished she could take a drag of Ben’s cigarette. He followed her gaze and held out his cigarette. “Want to share?”
“No, thanks. I shouldn’t start smoking again.”
Ben shrugged. “So – what’s going on?” he continued.
“I don’t know,” Hannah muttered, staring at a dark stain in the wooden floor of the porch, suddenly thinking of Josh’s birthmark.
She looked up when her brother chuckled softly. Ben held her gaze. “How do you feel about him? Come on, tell me.” He had a sparkle in his eyes.
“I don’t know… maybe,” she mumbled softly.
“Maybe what?” Ben put an arm around her shoulders.
“So maybe I like him.” She snatched the cigarette from Ben’s fingers. “Just one drag,” she grumbled, displeased with herself and her bad habits.
Ben gave her a warm smile. “I’m sorry, sis. I’ll stop goading you, okay? No more stupid questions from Ben tonight.”
Together, they finished the last bit of the cigarette and then went into the cabin for a good, long night’s sleep.
The next morning, Hannah was woken up by bright sunlight streaming in through the window, shining directly in her face. That was right – she didn’t close the curtains yesterday. Groaning, she turned her back to the window.
Still a bit groggy, Hannah heard Ben talking on the phone in the kitchen. “No, she’s still asleep. I’ll say hello to her when she wakes up. How’s Paris?”
That must be Katie on the phone. Her brother’s girlfriend was touring Europe by train during her summer break. Paris was the third city on her list.
“Shall I check whether she’s awake yet?” a familiar voice suddenly sounded. Hannah sat up straight, heart pounding in her chest. Then she changed her mind, lay down again, pulled
the blanket over her face and peeked out from underneath, her eyelids almost closed.
Her bedroom door opened slowly. Josh stuck his head around the corner.
Hannah tried to breathe evenly, feigning sleep, but her breath faltered when she saw Josh enter the room wearing next to nothing. Through her eyelashes, she took in his faded jeans, the turquoise and silver pendant hanging from a chain around his neck, and his bare chest. Yup, no T-shirt. It wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to act normally around him if he kept walking around like that?
She didn’t make a sound and kept still. All of a sudden, she wondered why Josh didn’t move either. He kept staring at her without saying anything. Maybe he could sense she was just pretending to be asleep. Hannah stopped breathing altogether now, and observed the look on his face.
A hint of a smile crossed his lips. Josh took a step forward, bent down and gently stroked her cheek with one thumb, just for a few seconds. Hannah quickly closed both eyes when he came near, and when she finally dared opening one eye again, he’d quietly left the room as if he’d never been there.
She listened absent-mindedly to one end of the conversation between Ben and Katie on the phone. How long were Ben and Josh going to hang around in the cabin? She was eager to talk to Josh, but the thought of having him around all morning made her nervous.
Oh, geez. She was really into Josh. She couldn’t deny it.
Hannah sat up straight, staring at herself in the mirror on the wall above her bed. She’d been in a steady relationship for years. It had been a while since she’d fallen in love. Was it even real? After all, what did she really know about the new, seventeen-year-old Josh? The thirteen-year-old boy from four summers ago seemed like a different person.
She got dressed slowly, trying to get the creases out of her red linen dress. She put on a pair of black flip-flops and quickly dragged a comb through her hair before stepping out of the room. After all, there was no reason to show herself sporting a disastrous hairdo yet again.