by Jen Minkman
Josh smiled when he caught her red cheeks, running his hands lightly down her back, caressing the exposed skin just above her tailbone. Hannah snaked her arms around his waist and snuggled up against him. His fingers were warm on her skin, his lips even warmer on her mouth when he kissed her. She responded and kissed him back eagerly, feeling all warm inside when he carefully touched her one cheek, almost seeming afraid to disturb the crackling tension between them. She kissed him, and kissed him, and had lost all track of time when Josh finally released her and took a step back. His eyes were close, a sparkle of love and desire evident in his dark irises.
“I feel so safe when I’m with you,” she whispered.
“When I’m with you, I forget everything around me,” he spoke softly. “It’s like time stands still. I can step out of its shadow.”
Hannah fell silent, lost for words. The way Josh opened up to her touched her heart in so many ways, even though his remarks were cryptic at best. “I’m uh ... going to change into something more suitable, okay?” she stuttered, trying to regain her composure. “So I won’t burn alive during our trip.”
Josh blew out a breath. “You do that,” he replied, his eyes sweeping over her bare shoulders and plunging neckline. “Make sure you cover your shoulders or you’ll look like a lobster.”
Hannah quickly disappeared into her bedroom and pulled a generic white T-shirt from her closet. It would reflect the sunlight and it was big enough to hide her medicine pouch under when she wore it around her neck. She preferred feeling it close to her heart. Maybe that’s why she’d gotten scared again at the beach – the medicine bundle hadn’t been at its usual spot between her breasts. And the last thing she needed this afternoon was being plagued by irrational fears or visions when she would venture out with Josh alone for the first time. Just the two of them.
Her stomach clenched. She hadn’t been truly alone with him since their first kiss. All the time, she’d hung around with him and Ben. Or him, Ben and everyone else. The thought of going out with just him actually made her sort of nervous. Which was stupid – Antelope Canyon wasn’t exactly deserted at this time of day. They would probably trip over tourists wherever they went.
Josh took her hand when she stepped outside. “So, shall we?” he mumbled.
She nodded and swallowed down the lump in her throat.
Hannah tried to relax in the Mustang’s passenger seat, turning her face to the bright skies above. It looked like it was going to be a fantastic day with lots of sun. So much the better, because Antelope Canyon looked positively stunning with the bright sunlight slanting into the famous, narrow slot canyon, lighting up its red sandstone walls. A river used to run through it, gradually paving a way into the rocks until it had turned into the canyon it was today, but the water had dried up a long time ago. The Diné saw Antelope Canyon as a sacred place, although much of its sanctity had disappeared with the advent of hordes of tourists eager to see the natural wonder.
“I bet it’ll be busy today,” Hannah said.
Josh sighed. “Yeah. I still don’t get why my people decided to open the canyon for everyone to see. We kept the location a secret for years.”
“The root of all evil?” she ventured.
He twisted his face. “Yeah. Money makes the world go round, right?”
She chuckled. “Speaking of which, don’t I need to pay you? You know, for being my tour guide today?”
“I’ll think about it.” Josh gave her a mischievous wink.
Hannah bit back a nervous giggle. She couldn’t help letting her imagination get the better of her. By the time Josh parked the Mustang on the sands close to the slot canyon, she wished the droves of tourists would magically disappear from the famous gorge so she could stroll – or fool – around with Josh without any inquisitive eyes around.
“We’ll have to walk the last bit,” he said, sticking a reservation permit in the left corner of his windshield. He stuffed the tickets he’d already bought in LeChee in his back pocket.
“Is someone going to check those tickets?” Hannah thought aloud.
Josh sniggered and slung an arm around her shoulder. “Hey, don’t be a cheapskate! We’re not going to sneak our way in. It’s bad enough we’re not hiring a professional, official guide for this visit.”
“Oh, I think you’re professional enough. And I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with you.”
“No?” Josh arched an eyebrow. They had reached the entrance of the canyon.
“No, I’m not. You just know your stuff. A lot of stuff, in fact.” Hannah tried to set foot in the canyon, but was stopped by Josh’s arm blocking her way.
“Aren’t we forgetting something?” he mumbled into her ear. He pulled her against him, and her heart sped up.
“Oh, uhm, yeah,” she stuttered. “I have to pay the professional guide.” She blushed.
“What do you think he would want from you?” Josh said with a mock-pondering look on his face, challenging her with a hint of a smile.
She bit her lip. “Tough question.”
He grinned boyishly before leaning into her, pushing her back against the rocky walls. The stones had heated up in the hot sun, scalding her skin. “Ouch!” she giggled. “It’s burning me.”
Josh laughed out loud, pulling her into the canyon by her arm. Inside, the rocks were shrouded in shadows, and the temperature was a few degrees lower. Once again, he slowly pressed her up against the wall, making her shoulders rest against the cold stone.
“That better?” he whispered, his mouth turned up in a teasing smile. Hannah looked up at him, and was struck by the tenderness in his eyes. He didn’t just see her blushing cheeks or her soft lips – he saw her.
When he gently pressed his lips to hers, a shaky breath escaped her lips and she closed her eyes. His hands were roaming her upper body, running down her spine tantalizingly slowly. He kissed her again. Cautiously, but deliberately, and with such a suppressed desire that it made her knees turn to jelly. She wound her arms around his neck and was practically throwing herself at him when she suddenly heard the echoing voice of a real professional guide bouncing off the canyon walls. In the background, she heard the murmuring whispers of a group of tourists.
With a flushed face that undoubtedly made her look like a radiant tomato, Hannah scooted away from Josh. Darting a look over her shoulder, she saw their performance had garnered a few stares of criticism from the elderly people in the group.
Josh let go of her and followed her gaze. “Don’t worry,” he said, kissing her lightly on the tip of her nose. “They’re just jealous they can’t make out with their guide.”
Hannah chuckled nervously. “So, has payment been sufficiently settled, then?”
“You bet.” Josh grabbed her hand. “Now that Mr. Benally has received his paycheck, he will show you the nicest spots of the canyon.”
She grinned foolishly, trailing behind him as he entered Antelope Canyon. Even though she’d been here quite a few times, the place never failed to make a huge impression on her. The different shades of red and yellow bouncing off the rock walls were magnificent. She took one picture after another with the camera she’d brought along, asking the next couple they encountered to take a picture of her and Josh, standing hand in hand close to a spot where the sunlight hit the canyon floor directly. In the picture, their faces were flooded with light from the glow of the sunbeam’s reflection in the sand.
The entire walk through the canyon took them about twenty minutes including photo stops. When they were at the end, Josh suggested they visit Lower Antelope Canyon as well. “There’ll be fewer people there,” he said. “All the photographers will be coming to the Upper section now because of the light. Lower will be practically deserted right now.”
“Can we walk there?”
“We still have to get tickets, so let’s drive to the parking lot next to the ticket booth.”
They turned around and ambled along the same way they came. The next big group of to
urists would only get here around one o’clock, according to Josh, so they had the canyon all to themselves on their way back. Here and there, sunbeams entered the canyon and illuminated the clouds of dust swirling around in the air, the sand scuffed up by the footsteps of people who had passed here not long ago. The fine dust transformed into mysterious shapes in the air – delicate, white apparitions looking like spirits twirling in the sunlight. Hannah stopped in her tracks to watch the phenomenon. “Look at that,” she whispered in awe. “It’s like an angel is dancing in the light.”
Josh hugged her from behind, looking at the dust devils in silence. “This is why the Diné think this place is sacred,” he quietly said after a minute. “You can connect with the spirit world – by passing into the veil.”
Hannah turned around in the circle of his arms and looked up at him curiously. “The veil? That sounds fascinating.”
“It’s the other side – the deeper level of existence that the white people call the Otherworld, Heaven, the hereafter, the faerie world. All of that wrapped into one. The veil is everywhere around us. It is a link with the past, a way to talk with our ancestors. A world between worlds that you can enter in deep meditation to see what has already happened and what will happen. It is the world we visit when we go on a vision quest.”
“Did you see things from the Otherworld as well when you did yours?”
Josh nodded, getting the absent look in his eyes Hannah had come to know so well by now. “Yes,” he replied. “Many things.”
“So have you seen things from the future as well?” Hannah rushed on. She didn’t want to lose Josh, his mind wandering to a place where she couldn’t follow.
“You see what happens, but you make your own future. You get wise counsel, and those words of wisdom should be enough.”
“What were they? Your wise words?”
Josh stared into the distance, past the sunbeams and the dancing spirits in the air. For a second, Hannah thought she’d scared him off, when he turned his eyes toward her again. She saw the light in his eyes was gentle and unafraid. He did no longer want to shut her out. “I was told to make peace, and to find it for myself.”
Hannah stared at him in awe. “That’s so beautiful,” she whispered.
He bent down and kissed her lips with incredible tenderness. “Yes. Yes, it is.”
Holding hands, they strolled back to the entrance of the gorge, where a new group of visitors had gathered. Josh showed the local guide their tickets, and then they were outside again, blinking against the sunlight.
“It’s boiling out here,” Hannah puffed.
“Let’s go to Lower Antelope quickly.” Josh opened the car. A wave of heat hit them in the face. “Would you like a nice bottle of boiled water?” he asked, tossing her a bottle of mineral water from the back seat.
“Oh, I don’t mind. Anything but boiled Coke. Now that’s gross!”
Hannah rummaged around in her bag, looking for her cell. She had two new messages, one from Ben and one from Amber.
“Ben wants to know if we’re going to join the neighbors’ pancake party tonight,” she said, reading the text. “Amber wants to make pancakes.” She grinned. “Aren’t we popular.”
“Sounds good! Let’s take a brisk walk in the lower canyon first, so we’ll be deserving of that pancake feast later on.”
“Spoke the strict guide,” Hannah added, diving away when Josh punched her playfully.
Lower Antelope Canyon was a lot narrower than the upper part, and the bottom was more uneven. They had to scramble over rocks and avoid fissures every now and then, but Hannah didn’t mind the adventure of the trip. There was not a tourist in sight. When they had reached the end of the canyon, the sweat was dripping from her brow. Her feet were aching, too. Worn-out Converse All-Stars turned out not to be the best choice for rock-climbing. Josh was having an easier time with his cowboy boots.
“Do we have to go back the same way we came?” she asked, trying not to sound too desperate or tired.
Josh shook his head. “No, there are stairs leading to the surface further up ahead. We can walk back to the parking lot from there.”
Hannah slouched against the railing of the first set of stairs once they’d reached them. “I wouldn’t mind sitting down for a minute. Catch my breath.” She demonstratively plonked down on the lower steps.
Josh sat down next to her. “Okay, this one time. As long as my professional guided tour isn’t going to suffer.”
“All-righty, Mr. Benally,” Hannah drawled. “Whatever you say.”
“Hmm. Sucking up to the guide?” Josh put an arm around his shoulders and raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah, of course. It’s always good to have friends in high places, they say.” Hannah felt her heart skip a beat when he scooted closer and caressed her back.
“Oh, really?” he said in a husky voice. “You’re one of those girls? You want me to take you to a special place where no regular tourists are allowed? Just you and me and whatever else pops up?” Josh smiled seductively, waggling his eyebrows, and burst out laughing when Hannah turned beet red. He pulled her closer and rubbed his nose against hers. “I’m crazy about you, she’at’eed.”
He kissed her warmly. Hannah grabbed at the back of his neck, feeling his hands slide up from her waist to her upper body, grazing her breasts. His right hand trailed upwards past her breasts to her neckline, accidentally touching the medicine pouch underneath her shirt.
His hand stopped, lingering on the spot. Hannah’s heart sped up, this time with apprehension. The last thing she wanted was to explain the presence of the medicine bundle to Josh. She had no idea how he would respond. After all, she’d deliberately been keeping things from him.
There was only one way to stop him from asking more questions – she had to distract him. Groaning in fake pain, she doubled up and gasped for breath, pulling herself from his arms.
“Hey! What’s wrong?” he exclaimed, sounding panicked.
“I have this sudden stab of pain in my stomach,” she squeaked. “I don’t feel so good.”
Josh rubbed her back in consolation and supported her when she got up. “Are you feeling sick?”
“No, not really. But maybe I should lie down for a while.”
“Let’s get out of the canyon first. Lean on me, okay?”
“How far it is to the car?” she panted feebly, once they’d reached the top of the stairs.
“Let’s find you a place to lie down first.” Josh pointed at a shady spot underneath a bush. “Come on. Here’s some shade.”
Hannah crumpled down with a sigh, rolling onto her back. Her head and upper body were in the shade. Josh sat down next to her, gently stroking her forehead.
Now that she was lying down, Hannah felt how tired she was. She didn’t even have to feign feeling nauseous and worn-out anymore. The warmth radiating off the rocks underneath her back made her slip into a slumber. Josh’s presence next to her made her feel calm. Everything was so peaceful.
She didn’t know how long she’d been asleep, but she jolted awake with a dry mouth and an anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach. Somehow, something had changed. Hannah opened her eyes, shifting them from left to right. She was still lying on her back, her heartbeat hammering in her chest. When she tried to sit up, she noticed her right hand had convulsively balled into a first against her chest. Propping herself up with the other hand, she stared at her fist, which held Emily’s medicine bundle, sweat pooled up in the palm.
Oh, no. Apparently she’d had a bad dream when she dozed off. She’d pulled the pouch from underneath her shirt, holding it in plain sight.
Now she truly felt nauseous. Maybe Josh had seen what she was secretly wearing. There was no way to get out of an explanation anymore. Out of habit, she hid the bag under her shirt again and looked around. Where was he, anyway?
Josh had moved to the other side of the bushes, staring out over the landscape in front of him, his hand shielding his eyes from the sun.
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nbsp; “Josh?” she called out uncertainly. Her breath hitched. Dimly, she felt something in his attitude had changed. It scared her. He looked lonely, distant and defensive. He stood ramrod straight, but his body was somehow cramped up.
He turned around, and she knew she was right. His eyes gave him away - they were blank. He was shutting out everything around him. With every step he took toward her, Hannah felt her heart sink further. Something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong.
“Feeling better?” He kneeled in front of her and gave her a smile that didn’t touch his eyes.
“I’m okay,” she said in a small voice. “My stomach feels fine now.”
“Good,” he said crisply. “Let me take you home then.”
Hannah let herself be pulled up and taken to the car. They were both silent. It was a short walk, but the distance seemed to triple in the oppressive silence. Sheer panic surged through Hannah’s body. Josh’s hand in hers felt like it was hewn out of stone. She couldn’t sense him anymore. He had clammed up, and she didn’t know why. If he’d seen the medicine bag, maybe he was angry she had kept things from him, but why didn’t he just say so? Or ask for an explanation? His metamorphosis was absolute and unfathomable. She hardly dared look at him.
Hannah felt her stomach turn as they sat down in the car, still without uttering a word. She could almost hear her dreamworld being shredded to pieces, the shadows she had feared so much looming through the cracks.
Josh started up the engine and turned toward her. “If I drive too fast and you feel sick again, let me know.” Hannah risked glancing up at him. His eyes had lost some of the reserve toward her. He looked sad and determined at the same time. If only she could reach out and touch him, pull him toward her, but she didn’t dare move.
Josh turned his gaze toward the road again, his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel. His hands, made of stone, unable to touch her gently anymore. She couldn’t remember what nightmare had plagued her, but the reality to which she’d woken up had to be much, much worse.
When they turned onto Lakeshore Drive and Hannah saw the beach of St. Mary’s Port appear in the distance, she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to know what was going on.