by Jen Minkman
Sani slowly nodded, taking a prayer stick from the jish lying on the floor. He waved it in each cardinal direction. “What kind of monsters, shitsói?”
Hannah fell silent, her heart rate spiking. “They’re yenaldlooshi. Chindi. Witches. Three of them,” she whispered. “They appear to me as shadows without a face, with red, glowing eyes. Like coyotes. Or like common people. They can shapeshift, taking any form they want. They haunt my dreams.” She started to stutter in her rush to get things out. “Emily has tried to help me, but it’s not enough.” She started to cry softly.
The hataalii eyed her solemnly. “Are you this sad just because of those skinwalkers, grandchild?”
Hannah stared at him, feeling busted. She’d been right about him being able to see right through her. With a sob, she shook her head. “No. I was afraid of them, but I haven’t really felt scared in the last few days. I’m not sad because of this curse. It’s just ... I’ve been ... ” She hesitated. Would this Navajo elder know the meaning of the English word ‘dumped’?
“You feel abandoned,” he supplied.
She nodded in silence.
He inched toward her and put a hand on her shoulder.
“You have not been abandoned,” he said reassuringly.
“What ... what do you mean?” she stuttered. Strangely enough, Sani sounded sincere. It felt like he was telling her the truth, even though Josh had callously ditched her and had then obviously decided to take a Long Walk all by himself.
Sani didn’t reply, but stared into the dancing flames in the fireplace. It seemed like he was in a trance. When he finally spoke, he startled Hannah. “I cannot help you,” he said.
“But ... why not?” she asked timidly. She hadn’t expected this.
“Because your problem is far more complicated than meets the eye.” Sani rooted around in a ceramic pot behind him, and then pulled out a medicine pouch. Handing it over to her, he said: “You can carry this with you to protect yourself. It contains more powerful medicine than the one you’re carrying now.”
How the heck did he know that? Hannah unwittingly put her hand on the bundle she’d tied around her waist, hidden under the fabric of her loose pants.
“However, it will not be a lasting solution to the curse,” Sani warned. “I can’t help you with everything you have in your heart.”
“So is there no one who can help me?” She bit her lip. This wasn’t looking good. Sani was probably going to tell her she had to travel to the other side of the reservation and shell out four thousands dollars for another hataalii powerful enough to help her, judging by the defeated look on his face.
“Yes,” he nodded. “There is.”
When he didn’t say anything else, she urged, “So, who?”
“Shash.”
Hannah stared at Sani all bug-eyed. “Josh?!”
“Yes. Your brother’s friend.”
Oh no. This was not happening. Sani couldn’t be serious. She would have to beg for help from a guy who’d dumped her out of nowhere three days ago. And Sani dared to claim she hadn’t been abandoned? She had never felt more alone and deserted in her entire life.
“That can’t be,” she faltered.
“I have told you all I have to say,” Sani replied, smiling at her. “Hágoónee. Goodbye, shitsói.”
She scrambled to her feet, the new medicine bundle in her hand. “Ahe’hee,” she said, trying to sound as thankful as she could manage at the moment. She wasn’t exactly angry with Sani, even if he was basically throwing her out all ‘polite-medicine-man’style. She was just angry with the world for doing this to her.
With an infuriated swipe of her arm, she pushed the blanket in front of the entrance aside and stood there fuming, blinking against the bright sunlight, before stomping off to Emily’s hoghan. She’d had it with this stupid curse, this place, these people. And she’d had it with Josh and his side-kick Sani most of all. All she wanted was to floor her car out of this godforsaken village, drive back home and wallow in self-pity for the rest of the day. Hole up in her bedroom with an irresponsibly big tub of Ben and Jerry’s and her iPod blasting death metal at maximum volume.
With a face like thunder, she got back to Em’s place, making a beeline for her brother. “I’m going home,” she announced. “I have a headache.”
Ben looked up at her face and shrugged, apparently deciding there was no use trying to convince her otherwise. “Drive safe, okay?” he only said.
“I will.” Hannah bit her lip. Why did she even want to get out of this place so badly? Here they were, all the people who cared about her, who wanted to support her – and she couldn’t get out of this ‘friends-stick-together’ powwow fast enough. Of course, she just had to be the type to suffer in silence.
Tears burned in her eyes. Hannah quickly grabbed her bag, turned around and bolted for her car. With screeching tires, she drove off and stuffed Sani’s medicine pouch in her bag.
By the time the first houses of St. Mary’s Port came into view, she had somewhat calmed down. After parking the Datsun in the village center, she ducked into Safeway to get herself some chips, ice-cream and pizza. Fortunately, Paul and Sarah were not around when she got back at the log cabin. The last thing she wanted right now was to exchange pleasantries with her neighbors while biting back tears.
Spooning up a few chunks of cookie dough from her ice-cream tub, she started to go over the conversation with Sani in her head. What had he made of her visit? Surely he must have known why she was sad. After all, Josh told him everything, so he probably hadn’t left out an important event like breaking up with her.
Would Sani betray her trust and tell Josh about the curse that had affected her? Not likely. She somehow knew he could be trusted, even though he had this mysteriously close link with Josh. Sani couldn’t be blamed for that – she had just hopelessly fallen in love with a guy who was keeping secrets he wasn’t willing to share.
That night, a slow rain started to fall. Hannah sat on the porch and stared into the darkness, where raindrops trickled on the trees standing near the cabin. It was the only sound she could hear. All of nature had fallen silent, and seemed to tell her in that silence that she was alone.
“I’ve been deserted,” she whispered to herself.
In the stillness, her words seemed more true than ever.
.
“So. Where and when are we going to meet up today?” Hannah asked Ben, sitting at the table and flipping through a magazine in feigned nonchalance. It was almost noon, and she’d just rolled out of bed. She’d stayed up late last night to wait for Ben and the others to come back from Naabi’aani, because she’d dreaded going to sleep and dreaming about things she’d pushed far away. When she had finally hit the sack at two o’clock in the morning, she had been upset and angry, mostly, and she still was. Of course, Josh had the right to stop loving her, but he could have at least tried to be less of an asshole to her. As for today, her mind was set – when Josh showed up, she wasn’t going to pay any special attention to him. After all, her life had been just fine before she’d met him. It was not the end of the world.
“Josh called me from his aunt’s place.” Ben gauged Hannah’s reaction. “He said he’d be here at three.”
“Uh-huh,” Hannah responded blankly, pretending to be engrossed in her magazine. “And Yazzie?”
“He had to finish up some things at the store first. We’ll meet him at the fairground. The funfair officially opens at eight.”
“Good.”
“Maybe we can go out for dinner beforehand?” Ben suggested.
“We might.” Hannah shrugged.
“We don’t have to,” Ben backpedalled.
Suddenly, she felt sorry for her brother. He was trying so hard, but he didn’t know how to handle the situation any more than she did. Going all grumpy on Ben wasn’t helping anyone. The person responsible for her dark mood hadn’t even arrived in person yet.
“Sounds like a good idea,” she said, smiling up at him. “Whe
re shall we go?”
“Let’s have a look around once we get there.” He turned back to the stove, where he was making scrambled eggs. “You want some?”
Hannah sighed. She hadn’t had a decent bite of food after the ice cream last night. She’d put the chips away, and Nick had prepared her pizza just after midnight because he’d been starving. Funny. She still wasn’t really hungry. Okay, Josh had broken her heart, but at least she’d also broken an all-time personal record in losing weight. Eat that for breakfast, Dr. Atkins.
“Yeah, whatever,” she replied flatly.
After breakfast she installed herself on the porch, still wearing her PJs. The second magazine she’d started reading didn’t really grab her, but she dutifully tried to focus on the article in front of her. When she’d finally plowed her way through the first two articles and chucked the magazine on the floor with a resigned sigh, her cell phone showed it was almost two. Hannah went back inside and stuck her head around the door of the living room to find Ben sitting on the couch. “Oh, there you are,” she said. He was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel.
“Yup. Mr. Couch Potato,” he grinned.
She tried to grin back. No easy task with a stone the size of a football sitting in the pit of her stomach. Her eyes drifted to the clock above the TV – still two o’clock. “I’m going to take a shower. And pop down to the beach. Just sit at the waterside for a while.”
Hannah took her time in the bathroom, running a hot shower for herself that warmed her entire body. It wouldn’t take the chill out of her bones, nor would it wash away all the cold memories she had of her last afternoon with Josh, but it somehow comforted her.
Hannah wiped some tears from her eyes, dried off and padded to her bedroom. First stop – the beach. At least going there would postpone the confrontation with Josh for a while. She purposefully picked a colorful, flowery summer dress so she would seem happier. Then she applied a subtle layer of make-up, attempting to cover up the rings under her eyes.
Just then, she heard a motorcycle outside. Hannah froze and stared at herself in the mirror in full-fledged panic. Her hand flailed toward her bag and dug up her cell phone. Quarter to three. Shoot. He was too early.
Why oh why had she taken a shower lasting long enough to irrigate the entire Sahara? If only she had hurried up more. She’d wanted to get away to the beach and give Ben the chance to chat with Josh in peace and quiet, without her sitting by staring daggers at him. That plan just went out the window. Josh was here. It was impossible to get out of the house without at least passing him on the porch.
She heard Ben enter the kitchen and knock on her door. “Han? He’s here.”
Hannah opened her door reluctantly. “I know.”
Heart pounding in her chest, Hannah shuffled into the kitchen. She saw Ben stepping onto the porch. “Hey, Josh,” he called out, his voice artificially bright. He walked down the steps and Hannah saw him shake hands with his friend. She gingerly stepped back when Josh’s gaze drifted to the kitchen door. He must have felt the weight of her stare.
With her last bit of strength she breathed in and out, straightened her back and pasted a fake smile on her face like a façade as she stepped outside. She would go down fighting. She could do this.
“Hi, Josh,” she said in such a composed tone that she baffled herself.
Ben whipped around and looked up at his sister. Josh followed his gaze, his eyes lingering on her ‘you-cannot-hurt-me’ mask.
“Hey, Hannah,” he replied, forcing a smile.
She cringed. He couldn’t even genuinely smile at her. And the way he pronounced her name – it was so cold and distant she might as well have been on the moon instead of the porch. His eyes betrayed nothing of what was going on inside his head. It was like staring at a blank wall.
Hannah quickly looked away and pointedly sat down at the table. The beach could wait. He would not chase her away that easily.
Ben and Josh walked up the steps. “I’m going to grab a beer,” Ben mumbled, inching toward the door.
“Bring me a bottle of water, would you?” Hannah said feebly. She hoped Josh would follow Ben into the kitchen, but he didn’t. Feeling sick to her stomach, she watched him sink into the chair across from her. Two strangers wearing masks stared at each other over the table.
“So how are you doing?” he finally asked.
She gaped at him incredulously. How did he think she was doing? “I am fine,” she replied stiffly.
Josh nodded slowly. “Have you ... ” he started out and paused, giving her an insecure look.
“Have I what?” she whispered. The wall suddenly seemed to crumble. Her heart sped up.
“Have you had any nightmares recently?” Avoiding her eyes, he kept his gaze on the lantern on the table in front of him.
“No,” she managed to croak out. Whatever was she supposed to have nightmares about? Her entire life had been a total nightmare since he’d dumped her.
Ben came back from the kitchen with drinks for all of them. “Here you are.” He plonked down in the third chair and smiled at Josh. “So how was Tuba City?” He was clearly trying to ignore the awkwardness between them.
“It was fine. I checked out a couple of rooms for rent. The campus is really something. I picked up some readers to flip through at home before I start my studies. And how was Canyon de Chelly?”
“Fine,” Ben replied. The word ‘fine’ was starting to lose all significance due to their combined lacklustreness. “We had nice weather, hiked around, stayed in a hoghan. The works.”
Josh smiled flatly. “Which campsite?”
“Spider Rock,” Hannah piped up. She refused to be the wallflower of this conversation. “It was a wonderful spot. Our hoghan looked out over the canyon. We took an evening walk along the ridge, and it took us past this rock plateau with a magnificent view of Canyon de Chelly.” She stopped, looking down at the bottle of mineral water in her hands. “It was a place I’ve seen in my dreams a few times,” she then blurted out. “Strange, huh?”
“Yeah,” Josh said, sounding so insipid it cut right through her soul. Hannah didn’t dare look up at him again. While Ben and Josh were trying to keep up their poor excuse for a light-hearted conversation, she closed her eyes, calling back to memory the view of the canyon. The rock plateau where she’d been standing with Josh in her dreams. Blood rushed in her ears, and Hannah opened her eyes with a start. She had to stop doing this to herself. It was over. They were over.
“Do you still have my Blackfire CD?” Josh asked Ben.
“Yeah, it’s still in my car stereo. I’ll get it out for you before we leave.”
“Just leave it in your car for a while longer,” Hannah said to Ben with a half-hearted smile. “So we can all listen to it while we drive to the funfair.”
“Oh. So you’re still tagging along tonight?” Josh asked her monotonously.
She frantically blinked her eyes. What? How could he? Using that tone of voice. He had invited her to come to the Page funfair in the first place. This whole situation was ridiculous. He couldn’t do this to her.
Hannah’s breath caught in her throat, and she fought to swallow back the tears that she couldn’t keep away any longer. She had to get out of here – right now.
She staggered to her feet. “Yes, I’m tagging along. But I won’t bother you guys any longer. I’m going to pack some stuff for the beach, okay?” Her last word came out like a sob.
Ben stared at her helplessly. Hannah spun around and fled to her bedroom. She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t go on like this. No matter how painful for Ben, she would book the first flight to Alaska to cry on her mom’s shoulder. She’d make it up to Ben. Pay his tuition fees, buy him a second car, a brand new laptop, anything to buy off the guilt stabbing at her for wanting to get away from this place as far and fast as possible. This place full of encounters with Josh, who didn’t love her anymore and made it so painfully obvious.
Hannah slammed the door shut
and sank down on the bed, her body racking with sobs. Josh was such an asshole. Had he ever really loved her if he was able to be so mean to her now? Tears dripped down her face onto the pillow she’d buried her face in.
She pricked up her ears when she suddenly heard footsteps coming into the kitchen. Gasping for breath, she tried to stop crying. Her heart hammered when she heard a second set of footsteps on the kitchen linoleum. Through the door, she could hear Josh and Ben talk.
“Would you like another drink?” Ben asked flatly.
“Yeah. Some orange juice if you have it,” Josh replied just as flatly.
Hannah heard Ben pull on the fridge door. The bottles inside the door clinked and rattled. He stomped toward the cabinet, took two glasses out and put them down on the kitchen table with a bang.
“Listen up.” His voice had lost all its flatness. “What the heck do you think you’re doing to my sister? What has she ever done to deserve this?”
Silence penetrated the kitchen. “We need space,” Josh finally spoke up. “Believe me, it’s better that way.”
“Yeah, that’s my problem, right there,” Ben said doggedly. “I don’t believe you. I’ve known you for years, and I know you have that mood swing thing going on. I don’t mind, because I know deep down you have a heart of gold. I’ve had my moods, too. Dammit, Josh, we practically grew up together. You’re my brother, my best friend. But now you lost me. I don’t get you anymore. Why are you being such a jerk?”
Hannah listened, open-mouthed, to her brother rant at Josh. She’d never heard Ben like this. Normally speaking, he was always so jovial and gentle. But clearly, he wasn’t going to let this slide. Wow, she really had the best brother in the world. He was backing her up, even after she begged him not to interfere.
“Can’t ... ” Josh’s voice faltered. “Can’t Hannah just accept that I don’t want to be with her like that anymore?”
“No, she can’t, you idiot. Not as long as you feel something for her. I see how you’re looking at her. How you’re still looking at her.”