by Jen Minkman
Then, she started to talk in Diné Bizaad. The foreign words rolled off her tongue, and she understood them instantly.
“I can’t live with the shadow from your past anymore.”
The pain in Josh’s eyes was palpable. Her throat constricted in agony.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out, turning around.
Hannah fell down into the darkness, opening her eyes with a start. She was still at the beach with Josh, holding him in her arms. Dazedly, she looked up at him. Without thinking, she pressed her lips to his in a gesture of love. The sudden vision had shown her exactly what she needed to see. Who this butterfly was, she didn’t know, but maybe it belonged to her like the bear belonged to Josh.
All pieces of the puzzle fit into the big picture now. She had been together with Josh in a past lifetime, until the skinwalkers had disrupted their happiness and they had started to terrorize her. Josh had told her the truth about his curse, and she had given up. She had given up their love. And she had always regretted it.
“Josh, I’ll stay with you,” she said gently.
He gave her a disbelieving look.
“Are you really sure?” he whispered.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
Josh bit his lip. “Okay. You really want to be at my side and fight the skinwalkers?”
“Fight them? Are you saying we can actually do something about the curse?” Hannah stared at him.
“Yes. Although it’s not easy.”
“Where can I sign up?” she asked militantly.
Josh laughed a bit. It was the first time he had since they’d sat down. His laughter sounded relieved, happy and full of love. “I’ll tell you all about it later today. But first, I have to talk to Sani.”
“As usual,” Hannah teased. “I’m sort of jealous of him, you know that?”
He chuckled, pulling her close to his chest. “I’ll take you home now,” he said. “But I want you to come to Naabi’aani in the afternoon so we can discuss some things in detail.”
As Josh was driving back to St. Mary’s Port, Hannah texted Ben she was on her way back. What else she was going to tell him, she had no idea.
Hannah had asked Josh to drop her off at the lakeside. She walked back up the hill by following a narrow sandy track leading to the log cabins. She wanted to walk off the stress she’d felt in the past few hours. Hannah started out walking at a brisk pace, speeding up into a full-out sprint until she reached the cabin. It was good to feel her heart beat against her ribs like this, feel the sweat pouring off her forehead, hear her rapid breathing. She felt alive, and she wanted to live, together with Josh. Fight side to side with him and deal with his ghosts from the past. She wasn’t going to leave him in the shadow time had cast upon him.
“Welcome back!” Ben called out to Hannah. He was sitting at the garden table on the porch, reading one of his textbooks, listening to a CD featuring screaming guitars. The portable CD player was blaring on the threshold of the cabin.
“Am I interrupting a study session?” Hannah inquired, looking at Ben’s scribbly notes in his spiral-bound notebook. He had a pen in his hand, a book about muscle groups cracked open on the table, and a yellow marker behind one ear.
“It’s a welcome interruption,” Ben grinned. He closed his textbook. “So, don’t beat around the bush. Where are we standing with this whole curse thing?”
Hannah hesitated. “Well, I am going to Naabi’aani this afternoon to talk with Josh. About how we can stop it.”
“So it can be stopped?” Ben looked overjoyed. “Can I help?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll hear more about it this afternoon.”
“Okay. But did you find out why those skinwalkers are after you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“But you’re not going to tell me?” Ben pressed when Hannah didn’t say anything else.
“I ... ” She shrugged. “I don’t want to betray Josh’s trust. It has to do with him, so that’s why he left me. To protect me. That I can tell.”
Ben frowned. “I won’t ask any further. But please just tell me you’re safe.”
No, she was risking her life because she was in love with his best friend. And she’d decided to ignore that risk because she believed in reincarnation, missed opportunities and butterflies showing her visions. Maybe she should skip that part. She’d dumped enough mumbo-jumbo on Ben for now.
“Yes, I am safe,” she lied. “Don’t worry. Maybe I’ll know more tonight.”
That afternoon, Hannah drove to the reservation with lightning-speed, her heart pounding. She’d been wondering all morning what Josh was going to ask Sani. If there was indeed a ritual powerful enough to deal with the skinwalkers, why hadn’t he tried it in his previous life? Or had he tried, and had it gone wrong?
It wasn’t until she got to the Naabi’aani main road that she realized she hadn’t even talked to Josh about her own dreams yet. She hadn’t told him what she remembered. Well, it wasn’t much, but it was enough to show her she and Josh belonged together.
He was waiting for her outside his hoghan. His parents were nowhere in sight, and frankly, she didn’t mind. She was way too nervous to entertain Josh’s parents with mindless chit-chat about the weather.
“Hey, shan diin,” he said lovingly, kissing her.
Hannah smirked. “Would you believe I was walking around feeling depressed for days because you called me that? I thought you were addressing me as a sister.”
Josh turned red. “Really? I thought you’d notice I had a new name for you.” He gave her a shy look. “I was actually hoping you’d ask me about it, so I could use all that gathered-up courage of mine to explain what it meant.”
“Well, unfortunately, I didn’t notice,” she chuckled. “Of course, you couldn’t have known I was deaf. Or stupid.”
“Or both,” he laughed playfully.
“Do you love me regardless?” She flung her arms around his neck.
“With all my heart.” He kissed her, pulling her closer. “Why don’t you come inside?” he gestured.
Hannah’s heart leapt up as she crossed the threshold to his house for the second time. No longer a curious intruder, she was invited – and he was truly letting her in this time.
Her gaze drifted to the mirror that had reflected her intense stare back to him, the first time she’d been here. Immersed in thought, she stepped forward and touched Edward Hall’s autobiography, still lying open on the bookshelf. Josh had walked up behind her, sliding his arms around her waist. She let out a sigh of contentment when he planted a kiss in her neck.
“You knew him personally, didn’t you?” she asked curiously, pointing at the book. She suddenly remembered Josh’s strange response when she’d asked him about the author.
“Yes. Ned was one of my best friends. He worked in Oraibi in the nineteen-thirties. He was part of a road-building project in Navajo Nation in the time of the New Deal.”
Hannah turned around. “And in this lifetime?”
Josh’s gaze dropped to the floor. “It was strange, meeting him in my current life. I went up there on stage to talk to him after his lecture. He’d grown old, but I recognized him. I knew him. He still had the same laugh lines around his eyes, the same sense of humor, the same way of looking at the world... and of course, he had no idea who I was. He only saw a high school student with an incredible fascination for his work. It might have crossed his mind for a second that I looked exactly like Sam Yazzie, the name he used to know me by, but that was all. He didn’t recognize me. In that moment, I felt terribly lonely.”
“That must have been awful,” Hannah whispered.
“It was, but at the same time it was wonderful to see how many good things he had done in his life. I was proud of him. A fifteen-year-old boy, proud of someone old enough to be his grandfather.” He stared at Hannah, a lost look in his eyes. “There are so many things I haven’t told you yet.”
Hannah bit her lip. “There’s something I haven’t told you yet, too.”<
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“Oh? Really?”
She took a step back, sitting down in the chair next to Josh’s mattress. He squatted down and put his hands on her knees, looking up at her.
“I can remember being with you before,” she started out. “A few days after I arrived in St. Mary’s Port, I started having dreams about you and me. I saw flashes of a past life, but I didn’t know it was that until Amber suggested they might be actual memories.” She took a deep breath, letting it out in a half-laugh. “I honestly had no idea what to tell you when you asked me what I dreamed about. I saw those creepy shadows too – and I wouldn’t have minded sharing that with you – but fessing up to seeing us as lovers every night was a bit too much. I had no idea what you thought of me at that point.”
Josh was lost for words. “You still remember who you were,” he finally spoke.
“Some of it, yeah.”
“I recognized you after our first kiss, when I told you I loved you. I could sense it was you.”
“Is that why you pulled away?”
“Yes.” He took her hands in his. “I was scared and excited at the same time. Excited because you’d returned to me, but scared of all the bad things happening all over again.”
“I’d like to know more about my past life,” Hannah said. “I’ve only seen small parts, you know. What kind of person was I?”
Josh smiled. “Your name was almost the same, in fact. Ho’oneno – that was your Navajo name. You came to live in our village as a refugee, together with your family, in the nineteenth century. I loved you so much. Your clan was the Jóhoona’eí, the Clan of the Sun. You were my ray of light.”
Hannah blushed a bit. “And what does ho’oneno mean?”
“Butterfly.” His hand reached out and touched her cheek. “You’re still the same. A sunbeam lighting up my life in shadows. Somehow, I must have felt it was you when I fell in love with you again. I wanted to give you all the sweet names I had once given to her – to you.”
A butterfly had also appeared in her visions. Everything turned out to be connected. “It’s almost like my eyes finally opened this summer,” Hannah whispered. “The last time I saw you, you hadn’t been through your vision quest yet. You weren’t you yet.”
Josh sat up and put his arms around her. “I’ve been empty inside since I lost you,” he said quietly.
“So, how did it happen?” she asked timidly. “How did you lose me?”
Josh pulled her even closer, and when he looked up at her, tears were in his eyes. “You left me. You were too scared. The yenaldlooshi had almost driven you insane. I never blamed you.”
Hannah didn’t say anything, but just watched him with sad eyes.
“You went to that place where you broke up with me,” he whispered. “That rock plateau at Canyon de Chelly.”
“This time, I won’t leave. I won’t. I’ll stay and fight now.”
“Don’t be mistaken. They will find you as long as you can’t shield yourself from their influence. You’re seriously putting your life on the line by staying with me.”
Hannah felt her heart tapping against her ribs. “I know. But I also know I was torn by regret after what happened. In my dreams, it feels like I made the wrong decision. I didn’t come back into your life for nothing. I came back for a good reason. I love you too much to walk out on you again.”
“I love you too.” His eyes shone with sheer happiness. Softly, he kissed her mouth, and her stomach tingled with butterflies when his other hand slid down her back. He pulled her down from the chair, setting her on her knees, drawing her closer. He kept kissing her, slowly and warmly, his hands on her hips. She shot him an almost disappointed look when he let go of her and sat back.
“I’m sorry. You’re distracting me from our conversation,” he grinned, a bit out of breath. “Let’s sit down. I haven’t finished explaining everything.”
Hannah blushed. She sat down on the mattress next to Josh, and felt the heat radiating from his skin when he took her hand.
“If you want to fight next to me, you have to become one with me by doing a ritual,” he explained, sounding a bit uncertain. “That way, you’ll receive the power to better prevent the skinwalkers from entering your mind. You’d be connected to my long life line, protected by my totem animal. In your previous life, you were scared to death when I suggested it. You were afraid of opening up to it.”
There was the answer to the question she’d asked herself on her way here. “Why was I so scared of that?”
“You were afraid of spirits and supernatural forces, like most Diné are. Plus, there’s the risk of you getting a long life line too. You’d become just like me.”
“I’m no longer scared. I’d love to stay with you, even in my next life, if that’s possible.” She really meant it. There was no fear, only a strong sense of determination.
Josh gently kissed her cheek. “In that case, we have to establish that special bond between you and me as soon as possible. A deep connection.” His eyes were close to hers. Even during a serious conversation like this, Hannah was still distracted by his close proximity.
“And that special bond... this deep connection...” She bit her lip. “How are we going to establish that, exactly?” In the silence that ensued, she looked up at Josh shyly, heat suddenly creeping up her face.
Oh shoot, headed for Slutsville again. She would have loved to come up with a dozen different ways of establishing a deep connection with Josh, but embarrassingly enough, she could only think of one right now.
An amused grin started to spread across his face. “No, not like that. Although I like the way you think.”
She laughed a nervous laugh. “Sorry. So what are we going to do?”
“I will ask Sani to assist us. He should lead the ritual. We will both be in a trance he will induce, and we’ll be connected when we pass into the veil. We need someone to stay awake and alert in this world, as a sort of manager.”
“What’s going to happen once we’re together in the veil?”
“I don’t know exactly. I’ve never done this before, obviously.”
“But I’ll probably find out more about your lives?”
“In all likelihood, yes. You’ll experience my memories.”
“Wow. That’s sort of personal.”
He smiled. “Of course it is. I want to share my life – or lives, rather – with you.”
“When will the ritual take place?”
“In two days at the very earliest. Sani has to fast for two days to cleanse his body and soul, or he won’t be able to help out as a hataalii. Why don’t you come back tomorrow night? It’s better to stay away from me for the time being, while I take all the necessary precautions. I will first tend to my guests tomorrow night, and afterwards, we can talk things through if it’s needed.”
“Guests?” Hannah eyed him, nonplussed. Who else was he going to invite for his ritual?
“Uhm... it’s my birthday tomorrow?” Josh said with a cheeky grin.
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “How stupid of me. I completely forgot about that.”
“Well, fortunately, I didn’t,” he laughed. “Despite my age, Alzheimer’s hasn’t yet caught up with me.”
She smiled at him in wonder. “That’s so weird, actually. You’ll be an adult tomorrow, but at the same time, you’re hundreds of years old.”
“True. It won’t be the first time for me to celebrate my eighteenth birthday.” He grinned. “And here you were, thinking you snagged your very own toyboy.”
After a quick goodbye, Hannah drove back home. She would have liked to spend all afternoon with Josh, but he’d said it was best to keep a distance for now, as long as she wasn’t protected by the ritual. The skinwalkers were keeping an eye on her.
It was a bizarre idea – even though the sun was shining, the radio was blasting out a happy tune, and summer seemed lighter than ever, she was, in fact, in mortal danger.
“So, when will you finally tell me what kind of a show you’re go
ing to be part of?” Ben asked her, when they were both sitting on the porch reading a book the next morning. He sounded breezy, but he was obviously trying too hard.
Hannah sighed inaudibly. Ben was feeling left out. “I can only tell you once it’s over, because truth is, I don’t know exactly.”
“You still don’t know? Can’t I be present?”
“I don’t know if that’s allowed. Sani only needs the two of us, I think.”
“Well, I can tag along and see if I can be of any help, right? If Sani tells me to split, I’ll be home in no time.”
It was wonderful Josh had told her everything and wasn’t keeping secrets from her anymore, but now, she was faced with having to keep things secret from Ben. Or was she? She gave Ben a pensive look, suddenly getting an idea. “Why don’t you drop by Josh’s this afternoon and ask him yourself? Who knows, he might need an assistant.” If Josh was ready to spill the beans to Ben, this would be his chance. Maybe Ben really could help them.
“Yeah, I think I will,” Ben nodded. “You have any plans for today?”
“I don’t know. Maybe Emily has texted me. I haven’t checked my phone all morning.”
She stepped inside to find her phone. One missed call from her mom, a message from Emily with a lunch invitation for today, and Nick asking her if she wanted to come to a barbecue at his uncle’s place.
“Nick is throwing a burger fest tomorrow night,” she called out in the direction of the open door.
“I know,” Ben shouted back. “We’re all going. Maybe you and Josh won’t, though.”
“Still as chaotic as ever.” Hannah stepped in front of Ben, her arms crossed and a grin on her face. “First, you practically fling yourself at me offering help, and now it turns out you won’t even have time.”
“Well, I can help in the morning. How long is it going to take? Not all day, I assume?”
Hannah stopped short. “No idea, actually.” Josh hadn’t said much about it, but he did ask her to keep two days off. She couldn’t imagine they’d need two full days. It was probably preparation and aftercare time.