by Ivy Smoak
James pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Get out or I'll call the cops, Isabella."
"Hmm, so now we can add threatening to the list?" She undid the tabs on the envelope and pulled out some photographs. She tossed them on the table. "On top of blackmailing?"
"Isabella..." James said and started toward her.
"I'm glad the girl that you're currently fucking is here." She said it in a disgusted way. "Now she can know what kind of man you really are."
James quickly grabbed the photographs and turned them so that they'd be face down on the table. I didn't get a chance to see what they were of.
"You didn't give me a choice. Why do you have to make everything impossible? Do you enjoy torturing me?"
"Yes." Her voice was cold.
"I just need you to sign the papers."
"What, so that you can be with her?" she scoffed. "You must be joking."
"What I do now is none of your business. Sign the papers." His voice was authoritative.
"This is ridiculous. She doesn't even know you."
"Neither do you."
"And whose fault is that?"
"You can't blame this on me."
She laughed. "You know, the press is going to have a field day when they hear about how my husband cheated on me with a student. It's so cliché, don't you think? They'll love it. The university probably won't love it as much, though."
"I'll leak the photos."
"No you won't. How do photos of me screwing another man help you in any way? All it shows is that you can't satisfy your own wife."
"No. It shows that you have a history of infidelity that makes your claim to anything that's mine invalid."
"And she doesn't do the same for you?" she pointed at me.
I felt small. I was a spectator. I shouldn't be here watching them. But I also couldn't seem to walk away.
"I don't want anything that's yours," Professor Hunter said. "Sign the papers now and you get half. Wait and get nothing."
She pulled out some more papers from the envelope. "I already did, you egotistical asshole." She threw them at him. He stepped to the side and let them flutter to the ground. He leaned over and picked one of them up.
"You signed them?" I hadn't meant to say anything.
Isabella stared at me. "He's all yours. Good luck. You're going to need it. He's fickle. He gets bored easily. He's going to eat you alive."
"Isabella! Enough!"
"What, are you afraid I'm going to let something slip that you haven't told her? Stop running, James. Stop throwing yourself into new things. Get some help. She's not the answer and you know it." She walked over to the elevator and pressed the button.
The doors opened and closed and she was gone. The apartment seemed eerily quiet. He looked down at the paper in his hands again. He set it down on the table and turned to me.
I wasn't sure what the protocol was here. Should I go to him? Should I wait for him to come to me? It looked like he was scared. I wasn't sure of what. He looked so young, standing there, completely uncertain.
"What am I not the answer to?" I asked.
"What did she say to you while I was in bed?"
"James."
His Adam's apple rose and fell.
"You're hiding something from me. Tell me."
"You need to get to class."
"James." I could feel the prickle of tears in my eyes. "Why won't you tell me?"
"We can discuss it tonight."
I could tell he was hurting. He was upset. Isabella had broken into his home. He was rattled. He needed time to calm down. I wanted to comfort him. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him. He seemed surprised. His body was tense and uninviting until he folded his arms around me.
"Are you okay?" His voice was wound tight.
"I'm okay." I kissed the scruff beneath his chin. This should have been a happy moment. He was divorced. We could be together without feeling bad.
"I need you."
"I need you too."
"No. I mean, I need you. Right now." He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me hard. He moved his hands to my ass and lifted my legs around him. He carried me easily back toward his bedroom.
He needed to know that I was okay; that we were okay. I'd give him whatever validation he needed.
Chapter 18
Tuesday
"He's divorced." I was sitting cross-legged next to Melissa on her bed.
"That's great news. So why do you look...not great?"
"I talked to Isabella. His ex-wife."
"What, why?"
"She broke into his apartment."
"Oh my God. Psycho much?"
I laughed. "Yeah." I looked down at my lap. "But she said I didn't know him at all. He's hiding something from me. He said we could talk about it tonight. But what if...what if it's something that I can't handle?"
"Penny." She put her hand on my knee. "He's your first boyfriend. If it's something you can't handle, then so what?"
"It's not what I expected. We've gotten so serious so fast."
"I know." She sighed. "I still don't get it. What happened that night? I thought you two were done."
The fight. "I thought he had broken up with me. Apparently he hadn't."
"Which involves Tyler because you two can't keep your hands off each other?" She gave me a mischievous smile.
"Yeah. Actually we had sex."
"What?! When? During the party?"
"Right before James showed up."
"So..."
"So?"
"So...what the hell, Penny? How did you go from having sex with Tyler to getting back together with James?"
"He explained everything to me. He said he was trying to protect me. He never stopped wanting to be with me."
"He ignored you for weeks. He acted like you didn't exist. He...hurt you. Penny, I've never seen you like that before."
"I know." I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. "I didn't mean to fall in love with my professor."
Melissa laughed.
I opened one eye, glanced at her smiling at me, and closed it again.
"Penny." She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "You can't help who you fall in love with."
"Which is why I'm worried about tonight."
"How bad could it be? You've hung out with him so much. If it was bad you would have seen it."
"You're right." I looked at her for a minute. "Have you talked to Tyler?"
"I haven't really seen him since the hospital. He's a big boy though. He'll be fine."
I looked down at my lap.
"Hey," she said. "You have to make the choice that's right for you. So if dating your recently divorced, brooding professor is what you want, then own it."
"You're always right about everything. Except your advice about getting under someone else."
"It worked out in the end, didn't it?"
"Yeah, it did." I smiled to myself.
***
After having dinner with Melissa and catching up some more I finally got a text from Professor Hunter: "I'm outside."
"I've gotta go," I said to Melissa and slid off my bed.
"Penny. It won't be that bad. Whatever it is, you probably already know it."
I smiled at her. "See you later." I closed the door behind me. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. He was divorced. I should be happy right now, not nervous. I opened up the door to my dorm and saw his black Audi.
He stepped out of it and walked around to the passenger side door. Instead of opening it, he pulled me in close.
"Someone will see..."
He placed his lips on mine, silencing me. He kissed me hard and I kissed him back. It was like he hadn't kissed me in weeks, not hours. When he pulled away I was breathless. I knew my face was flushed.
"You look so beautiful."
"You look so handsome," I said. He was wearing jeans and a dress shirt. The top few buttons on his shirt were undone.
He opened up my door for me. When I got in he
immediately closed it and walked around to his side. He got in and buckled his seatbelt. But he didn't put the car into drive.
"Are we going to your place?" I asked.
"It's too stifling."
"Maybe we can go for a walk?"
"We can't. Not here."
"You just kissed me outside of my dorm. It's dark. It's fine."
"Okay." He pulled the car into a parking spot and got out. I got out before he had a chance to open up my door for me. He eyed me curiously.
"I'm not used to dating a gentleman."
"I know." He smiled at me. He grabbed my hand and together we walked toward the green. The area between the dorms was filled with a manicured lawn, walkways, and benches. He held my hand as we walked on one of the brick paths. It was chilly and there were only a few other people out. Our feet crunched on the fallen leaves. When we reached a bench that seemed particularly shadowed, he gestured for me to sit down. He looked down at me for a second and then sat down next to me.
"I need to know exactly what she said to you this morning."
"She already knew about me."
"I didn't..."
"I know. She made it clear that you didn't do much talking last time you saw her." I shrugged.
He sighed. "I'm so, so sorry."
"No, it's fine. Really. I see the appeal."
He frowned at me.
"Yeah, I'm joking. She's horrible."
He put his hand on my knee. "There was a new employee at the front desk. He's been fired."
"James, it wasn't his fault."
"Yes, it was."
I wanted to argue with him. He couldn't go around getting people fired for no reason. The man at the front desk had probably asked Isabella for her I.D. Her last name was still Hunter. But I had to choose my battles with him. And tonight I only wanted to talk about what he was keeping from me.
"She said you only want things you can't have. That's why you like me. Because I'm a student."
"But I do have you."
"She made it seem like you'll get bored with me and move onto something else."
"I'm not going to do that, Penny."
"I know. You wanted to know what she said." I grabbed his hand. "She said that you're addicted to me."
"I am."
"She made it seem like that wasn't a good thing."
He squeezed my hand but didn't say anything.
"And she said you were withholding information from me. That's it. We didn't talk for that long."
He nodded. "Saying I'm addicted to you is a bad choice of words. I love you. I love spending time with you. I love being with you. I missed you today."
"I missed you too." He didn't want to talk about what I had brought up yet. So maybe I'd bring up something else. "What is your type?"
"What?"
"She said that I'm not even your type."
"I don't have a type."
"Are you sure it's not tall brunettes?" I smiled at him.
"No." He laughed uneasily. "She's definitely not my type."
"So you like redheads?"
"You're the only redhead I've ever been with. I don't have a type. You're it. I don't want to be with anyone else. Just you."
I didn't care what type of girl he usually dated. None of that mattered. "Don't you trust me? Whatever it is you need to tell me you can."
"I do trust you." He looked up into the sky.
A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.
He abruptly stood up. "Let's get back to the car," he said.
Not when I was this close. "James, tell me."
"You're going to get a cold."
"James, tell me!"
"I've already told you. More or less." He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. "I thought you understood."
"Understood what?" I felt so dense. "What am I not the answer to?" I stood up. "What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."
"I was trying to protect you. I told you that."
"But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you? It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."
"Damn it, Penny." He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.
"Stop." I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. "Stop using sex as a weapon."
"I don't..." He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. "I didn't realize I was doing that."
What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't dwell on it right now. That wasn't want I wanted to talk about. "Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"
"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I've had sex with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it. I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that."
I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn't sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn't be what he was hiding.
"I'm an addict, Penny." He looked so young and so vulnerable.
What? He didn't drink that much. He didn't seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella's words came back to me. I didn't see it because he wasn't addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I'm his drug?
"Penny? Say something."
"All this talk about forever..."
"I meant it."
"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"
"No." He lowered his eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you. It's different with you, it's not the same."
"How do you know?"
"I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."
"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"
"It was my decision to come here."
"Because you walked in on Isabella..."
"Yes. But I came here for me. I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore."
"Isabella said you needed to get help."
"I've gotten help."
"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"
"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."
"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."
"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved onto the next." His words hung in the air. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny."
He needs me. All of his words now seemed to have a double meaning. But didn't I need him too? When he didn't talk to me for weeks I was a complete mess. My world had become isolated and cold. And I had hated it. I hated my life without him.
"Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."
"You're still young."
"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." He gave me a forced smile.
"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"
"No, it's not."
"So, how do you control it?" I felt stupid asking these questions. The age gap between us suddenly felt larger than before. He was an adult, with adult problems. All I was worried about was my next Stat test. And now him.
He lowered his eyebrows
slightly. "My therapist helps me with that."
"You have a therapist?"
"I do." His eyes searched my face. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either."
"You talk about me?"
"Yes."
"He knows that you're dating a student?"
"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."
"Why?"
"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that."
It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so separate from him. I didn't like that feeling. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change."
"I don't think any differently of you." His words made me want to cry. I didn't have much self confidence. I thought he was the opposite of me. But we were more alike than I thought. He was so broken. I didn't want him to feel that way.
"You do. You're looking at me right now like I'm weak."
"I don't think that you're weak. You're incredibly strong for overcoming something like that."
He put his hands in his pockets. We were both completely drenched. He was staring at me. The distance between us was unbearable.
"I don't want you to leave me," he said slowly. "But if this is too much..."
"No. James." I closed the distance between us. "I'll never let you go."
"I'm not addicted to you."
"You keep saying that. And I'll I can think about is how rude it sounds." I smiled at him.
"I don't understand how you can keep choosing me. I'm..."
"Perfect. Everything that you've been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much."
It started raining harder. "I'm divorced." He almost had to yell it over the rain.
"I know."
"No more of this waiting nonsense?"
"No. My heart is yours."
He was smiling down at me. "I'm divorced!" He picked me up and twirled me around.
I laughed as he set me back down on my feet. I rubbed my palm against the scruff on his cheek. "You're all mine."
"All yours, Miss Taylor." He turned his head and kissed my palm.