Spike Milligan
Page 11
I should like to do some television shows for the BBC. I have got absolutely nowhere with the top brass who have got the illusion that I am difficult – a word that is always dispensed when people don’t understand what you are trying to do. I had intended to write to Eric Maschwitz, but I don’t speak Russian (the joke is a reference to the Balaleika of course).
What does one have to do to get a T. V. half hour in which one is allowed to produce the comedy and the camera angles so that the public might get the best effect?
This is in effect my swan song as far as trying to get a show on BBC TV. On what happens as a result of this letter depends whether I ever work for them again.
I am writing to you because you are writers and might understand how important it is to myself not to let some producer cock up my endeavours, which you know is so easily done. Anyhow, write and let me know. I sail on the 24th of this month.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Frank Muir & Denis Norden
London W1
22 April 1959
Dear Spike,
This is just to underline our telephone conversation, following your letter.
By the time you get back from Australia we should be securely enough entrenched in this BBC appointment to be able to back up any assurances we make. All we can say now is that we would welcome the opportunity of helping you get some of your weird and wonderful ideas on BBC TV.
Meantime, have a good skive in the Antipodes and come back refreshed in mind and pocket.
Yours,
Frank Muir and Denis Norden
Denis Mitchell Esq.
BBC Television Centre
London W12
23 April 1959
Dear Denis Mitchell,
I always keep my television in the toilet because most of the subject matter is best fitted to that little precinct.
I must tell you that your ‘Soho Story’ was magnificent, one of the most marvellous pieces of television to date. I think that’s about all.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
P. S. How did you manage to get it past your idiot hierarchy?
The British Broadcasting Corporation
Television Studios: Lime Grove
London, W12
29 April 1959
Dear Spike Milligan,
For 17 years I’ve been trying to convince my daughter that I’m an Okay figure. Your letter may have done the trick at last, you being part of a revered Trinity; (the others are Dave Brubeck and whoever wrote ‘The Dud Avocado’.) Thank you very much.
I’m going to Africa this week for three months. May I ring you when I get back? There’s many a thing I’d like to talk to you about, if you could spare the time.
Sincerely,
Denis Mitchell
Charles Chilton, Esq.
BBC
Aeolian Hall
London W1
1 May 1963
Dear Charles,
Thank you for coming along to lunch, I would like to reiterate exactly how I feel about the prospect of a short sound series.
I would like to write six half-hours using as a basis some of the best of the original shows I have written in Australia, on my three separate visits there. The basis of the show would be to use the Australian idiom, which would mean using a semi Australian cast. I do not think this has been done before on BBC Light Entertainment, and I think the idea should be a success, as the shows in question will be the best of some 42 shows, all of which were a success in Australia.
It is no good the BBC comparing these shows to the old ‘Goon Shows’, as they did do when I originally submitted them some two years ago. I will guarantee them personally, as being a success. I would like to assure the powers that be, that I have every confidence in my own ability, even if perhaps they do not. However, the six shows that I have in mind, would be: (1) The Flying Dustman Series, (2) The Story behind the last Test, (3) The Son of Ned Kelly, (4) The Story of Australia’s Challenge for the America Cup, (5) The Twergled Englishman, (6) The Missing Australian Prime Minister’s Trousers.
Of course the BBC would have to be made aware that these shows could not be transcriptioned nor repeated in Australia, as they have already heard them, but that would be the only difference as far as the contract went.
I hope that they will consider these programmes, for my money I should like to do them this coming autumn, starting November and running into the Christmas week. I know that the BBC are conditioned to think in terms of 13 programmes, but I do not see why this should stop them getting 6 very funny shows, and a personal guarantee of their success.
I think that’s all.
As ever,
Spike Milligan
Holmes Tolley, Esq.
Warwickshire
9 November 1966
Dear Mr Tolley,
I am puzzled as to why the BBC, the people I presume would pay me, have not contacted me themselves, are they using you as a portable plastic runabout.
Yes, in principle I will do it, but
1) who is going to interview me? Normally some twit with elastic legs comes in with a portable tape recorder; first he does not know how it works except for switching it on and off, therefore, after having 15 years of this ‘I’m sorry it was not recording that time etc.’ there will be only one take.
Can we have an interviewer, not to come armed with these dreary cliches, ‘Tell me Mr Milligan what did you think of etc. etc.’ I would like somebody to consider me: an intelligent human being, and not a chatty, chubby idiot.
As to the price, my normal fee was 15 gns, these days I get 30 gns.
In the light of what I have said, are you and/or the BBC still interested.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Duncan Wood Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
London W12
6 December 1967
Dear Duncan,
I have received the script on the 6th December. Would you clarify with Michael Mills what part I am playing because he thinks I should be playing Cocklecarrots and you don’t, and I should like to know which one of you is going to win. Just so I can learn the words properly. The sooner the better because I take a long time to learn lines.
Also the Beachcomber speech which is done straight at camera, I presume, can we have a tele-prompt with that so I can spend more time learning lines of any characters I play.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence
E. K. Wilson Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Kensington House
London W14
6 December 1967
Dear Pat Wilson,
You may have noticed that I have never gone in for what I call long term television, to become involved in what becomes a series. It’s death to a long professional life. This is why I avoid, in any shape or form, entering into half hour series on a long term basis.
Apart from which, I diversify my talents between writing books, plays and appearing on the stage.
I think if I were to allow you to take up an option it would negate these two latter practices, and upset my very cautious planning act in what is a very tenuous profession.
So I’m afraid I will have to say ‘no’; I took a long time to say it which means I feel for you.
However, once the thing is a success that success can not be obliterated and if next year or in the foreseeable future you would like to repeat it, at a time mutually advantageous. I would be only too willing to take up the torch.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence
J. Burton, Esq.
The Natural History Unit
British Broadcasting Corporation
Bristol
17 May 1972
Dear John,
There is a blackbird at the back of my office who is
a magnificent singer, in the mornings (Dawn Chorus) and evenings.
I am not particularly conversant with how good blackbirds are, but this one seems to me to be a wonderful singer.
I thought perhaps if you were up here you might like to record him for posterity. I call him Frank Sinatra.
Do let me know.
Love, Light, and Peace,
Spike Milligan
Billy Cotton Jnr Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Television Centre
London W12
15 March 1973
Dear Bill,
What are you doing to poor Cilla Black? She is a very good singer and they ought to give her an all musical show but I mean NAAFI night out – I mean I can play Abide with Me on the bones. I am not trying to be rude but I am a great Cilla fan and think that she is one of the great singing talents.
We all drew lots in the office as to who would write this letter, I won.
Love, Light and Peace,
Spike Milligan
P. S. You did not black up for your appearance, everyone recognized you right away. Invite me to the club for one of those ‘darling you were wonderful’ meetings.
[He thought Cilla was great and deserved better, and thought Billy should know.]
Frank Gillard Esq.
Somerset
6 June 1974
Dear Mr Gillard,
In answer to your letter of the 1st April, 1969; in this letter you were defending the BBC’s reason as to find me unsuitable to appear on Family Choice. Since that letter I have been on Family Choice, and I want to know what happened that suddenly made me acceptable. You see I am like a bulldog and I never let go, and whereas I don’t suppose you can give me an answer, I am just pointing out that sometimes what the BBC says and believes one day, it doesn’t believe the next, and this makes the truth very very difficult to find.
Briefly what the BBC was saying, was ‘this man is not fit to put on records and read postcards’. I am certain everybody in my profession in the last 20 years has done a record programme and I believe that it was a personal dislike that led them to exclude me from this programme for so long.
Just to fill you in, when they finally agreed to let me do Open House,* even though it was a live programme they insisted that I was pre-recorded and then I only appeared for half the programme. When the Times Radio critic asked why, a BBC Spokesman said ‘that this was so’, the brilliant two faced answer was ‘it was a gimmick’.
The reason why I pursued this course from the year 1960 to 1969 was to prove conclusively that there is a point in the bureaucracy where there is no logic, just personal dislike, and nobody will come out with the truth at the beginning and say ‘I don’t like this man’, if they do this it would be very easy to accept it, but to stall for nine years I find asinine.
I hope you are enjoying your retirement, I don’t intend to.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
[Tenacious bulldog or what?]
Frank Gillard
7 June 1974
Dear Spike,
I can only tell you that you have been one of my favourite people ever since the day you came to lunch with Hugh Greene at Broadcasting House and brought some bottles of excellent wine along with you. So be assured that there was never the slightest question of personal prejudice on my part, and I never heard anything of the kind expressed by any of my colleagues. Had any of them taken that line, I should have been rather rough with them. I am delighted to know that you broke through the barrier, whatever it was made of, and that you have entertained the nation on Family Choice. I wish I had heard it. Probably I was abroad. I work a good deal in America these days, and in fact I am off over there again now, within a matter of hours.
How right you are about retirement. I have certainly not retired. I left the BBC at the age deadline, but started at once on other work which I find utterly absorbing and satisfying. You will not even have to make that sort of change. Just keep going on. That’s what we Milligan fanatics ask of you.
Yours,
Frank
Frank Gillard Esq.
Somerset
12 June 1974
Dear Frank,
Thank you for your letter. I have never suggested that you had the slightest prejudice against me, but there’s no doubt about it somebody did, and that amounts to emotional fascism.
Alas, I have never found out who the person was who held me in such horror, but believe me it leaves a mark on a person when you are not considered trustworthy enough to play a few gramophone records, and I find that unbelievable.
Hope you enjoy your new job, I still have my old one.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
[Obsessive or just won’t let go.]
Colin Smith Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Broadcasting House
London W1
21 May 1975
Dear Colin
LET’S JOIN IN.
BADJELLY THE WITCH.
Norma has explained to me about the changing of the script. I really am sorry, I do not find God unctious, and I just cannot acquiesce to a silly rule. If the BBC are so narrow minded, I am not going to contribute to its stupidity that way.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence
C. J. Mahoney Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Broadcasting House
London W1
30 June 1976
Dear Con,
Thank you for your letter with your once five yearly employment schedule for me.
I am averse to doing a Goon Show again because it’s just digging up the past, and all the energy for this show has been diversified. Therefore, a straight forward Goon Show for me would be a backward step.
However, John Browell has talked to my Manager, Norma Farnes and said the same as you have written except that if I agree to do a Goon Show the BBC would approach Prince Charles to see if he would appear in it. If Prince Charles is approached first and asked if he would appear in it, this, of course, would give an extra dimension, and we would not be so reliant on an old team to bring about passed laughter which we no longer could do.
So the picture is this: if Prince Charles agrees to appear in it I will write a Goon Show, but one on its own would be anti-climaxical, as the last one was, in fact the audience was better than the show.
Hope you understand.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence
West Germany
22 June 1977
Dear Spike,
I have now managed to decipher all seven of the Scripts and I must say that, in the main, I find them extremely funny. I am especially pleased to see the re-emergence of Herbert Skrackle as a force to be reckoned with: Herbert and his Co-Directors! My only reservation is that on reading alone I feel that one or two of the longer sketches may be just a little too long. However that is something that will be made clear when we get around to reading and rehearsing them together.
There are one or two Technical points that I should like to mention. Any page numbers I use are the page numbers from your original Scripts.
1. On the question of Music: we will not be able to use Woody Herman’s ‘Apple Honey’ as there is no chance of our being able to clear it even for Commonwealth, let alone World sales. Big Band Music played by a British Band is usually clearable.
2. The Wardrobe and scenery costs are going to be very large, but with a reasonable amount of Doubling-up we should be all right.
3. Remembering our experiences over language in ‘The Melting Pot’. I am a bit surprised at so many ‘Buggers and Bloodys’ turning up. I am afraid they will nearly all have to come out.
4. Because of the number of breaks required for Costume and Make-up changes almost all the ‘Quickies
’ will have to be done on film, either at Ealing or on location. Even so, we shall have to use some valuable Studio rehearsal time on Pre-VTRing several of the Announcer sequences on the day. It’s sad about Chris Langham but Keith Smith should make an excellent and very professional replacement in shows 1 to 5.
5. In Show 2 is ‘Pissed’ on Rewrite page 7 really necessary? I have a sneaking feeling that the diseases Sketch may go on a little too long.
6. In Show 4 who do you want to play Tom Jackson, just in case Mr Jackson himself does not want to play it?
7. In Show 5, halfway down Rewrite page 4 we have the instruction ‘We are still in Studio’. However at that point we are on film and as I see it we do not go back to Studio until half-way down Rewrite page 5 when Spike is in Studio as an Announcer. Because of Policy decisions at the BBC people who work in Sports, Current Affairs or News are not allowed by their Departments to take part in Comedy Shows. This is partly my own fault in that we made so much use of such people that the shutters were pulled down a couple of years ago. And so, who would you like to play Frank Bough in Show 5? And once again we have ‘Bugger’, not just once but twice. (I’m sorry, it happens twice in Show 6, only once in Show 5!)
8. In Show 6, once again, there are too many ‘Buggers’ and ‘Bloodys’. In Show 6, Rewrite Page 13 we will be unlikely to have a Hand-held Electronic Camera on the set in the Railway station Sketch. It would cost the Show far too much to have a Hand-held Unit in the Studio along with our normal Camera Crew.
9. In Show 7, Rewrite page 6, near the top of the page we are on location in a street with Spike, Dorning and Lodge. The next instruction is ‘3 shot in Studio’. Why? Surely this sketch would be much better continued on film, where a mix to the final Scene of the sequence with Spike lying in the bed would work perfectly. (This would also help enormously with Costume and Make-up changes.)
On Rewrite page 12 surely the small scene of Spike on the Concert Stage, sandwiched between two scenes at Wigmore Hall, should be on film as well: otherwise we go Film-short Studio-Film and the quality change becomes very obvious indeed. On Show 7, bottom of Rewrite Page 16, Henry Cooper, having a very commercially-minded Agent, will come very expensive for one shot. Could we not use Nosher Powell, ex-Boxer and Performer instead.