I’m sorry to have had to make so many apparently small points but they do affect Special Effects, Film Requirements and Design rather a lot. I’ll be seeing you soon and I hope all goes well with you. All my best to Norma, Neil and Tanis,
Yours Aye,
Ian McNaughton
Ian McNaughton Esq.
British Broadcasting Corporation
Television Centre
London W12
30 June 1977
Dear Hen,
Just to clear up the points you brought up in your letter of the 22nd June, 1977.
I have told John Kilby to alter all the scripts to read Keith Smith in place of Chris Langham.
OK. Cut out all the ‘bloodys’, ‘buggars’, and ‘Piss offs’, and the warm up for the show will be done by a Priest. In place of all the rude words we intend to substitute the names of furniture, like dutch wardrobe, cracked Regency commode, Louis XVth Dressing Table, French Escritoire. This we can do at rehearsals.
Regarding Woody Herman and his band playing Apple Honey, John Kilby tells me there is no problem using this for the home broadcast, he also said (which conflicts with your belief), that ‘Big Band music played by British Bands is usually clearable’. Likewise, only usable for home transmission but not overseas or Commonwealth. So, I am asking the question: – what do we do? We want music which will allow us to get an overseas repeat. John Kilby says the only way is to employ a big band to record this number again, especially for the show. I said was this possible? He said it would depend upon the costs, and I said well you find out whether we can afford it, and I am asking you the same question. But as you say the show is expensive, I don’t bloody well know what to do, except end up with a one string banjo, and a couple of spoons and a tuba, and I’m pissed off, because Morecambe and Wise, and Eric Sykes Shows all have big band music.
Show No. 2. We agree to all the swearing coming out.
Show No. 3. The Disease Sketch, we will see in rehearsal if it’s too long or not.
Show No. 4. If Tom Jackson can’t do it, any member of the cast who is free can.
Show No. 5. (Page 4), We need to change from film to studio because the sequence in the studio is very relevant for laughs upon performer/audience relationship. If we do it on film it might die the death.
Re Frank Bough I suggest we first try and get him, and if they say no, we ask the BBC how did Angela Rippon get on to the Morecambe & Wise Show. If it’s a matter of showing legs, Frank Bough can roll his trousers up to the knees.
Show No. 6. OK cancel hand-held camera.
Show No. 7. (Page 6), This we need to be in the studio, at that point again for laughter control. That is the actor can only get it by playing to the audience live. (Page 12), OK agree – use film.
In place of Henry Cooper use Nosher Powell or any big bruiser.
Must fly, as I am off to America. Fuck everybody, why don’t you try it yourself.
As ever, yours always the noo,
Spike Milligan
Mike Harding Esq.
BBC Enterprises
Villiers House
London W5
8 March 1978
Dear Mike,
Thanks for your letter of the 16th February. In your opening sentence you only repeated what I have told you in my letter to you of the 12th February, that is ‘we have only issued nine Goon Shows in the last 20 years’. That is telling me what I just told you. Please explain to me what you mean when you say each year your selection gets a little more difficult. As there are about 150 Goon Shows on tape I cannot see where the difficulty lies. If you subtract 9 from 150 you are left with 141 shows.
Likewise you mention having to chase up Transcription Services, The only reason why you chase Transcription Services is because your BBC Enterprises had no idea of the existence of the shows already held by Transcription Services. They hold 104, so I cannot see what the difficulty there is. I cannot believe that you cannot afford to issue more than we do at the moment, surely as the records make a profit, I presume, in which case you must have covered your costs. Would you explain to me what precisely the financial difficulty is?
I’m only trying to find out the reason for 9 L.P.S. in 20 years.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
P. S. I think you ought to take me out to dinner and explain to me the workings of BBC Records.
Michael Grade Esq.
London Weekend Television Limited
South Bank Television Centre
London SE1
29 June 1978
Dear Michael,
MELTING POT
The BBC refused to transmit these shows, and I am not quite sure of their reason, I think it was a mixture of their fear of the Racial implications in it, and (b) it wasn’t that funny.
I had a major problem with this show, the Pilot was an absolute riot, this I cast myself; however when the series was mooted the BBC insisted on casting it, and put in three actors, the like of which I wouldn’t give a job scrubbing Camels arses in the desert.
However, believe me the series was funny, and it can be made hysterical if the right actors were chosen for the parts – are you interested?
As your father still owes me £25 from the Wintergardens at Eastbourne, take me to dinner at the Trattoo, and if nothing else, we can have a laugh.
I remember you as a little Spotty Herbert, about three, standing by your father’s desk crying, I think he owed you £25 from Eastbourne as well.
Let me know.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
P. S. How do you make a Jewish Omelette?
Lord Bernstein, LLD
Granada Television Limited
London W1
20 June 1985
Dear Sydney,
I have had on hire a small black and white portable Sony TV. 1U.K. Set, for umpteen years, I discovered today I have paid over £600 for it, don’t you think the Company at this stage, ought to make a gift of it to me, having paid for it five times over.
You understand this is only an exploratory letter, because I don’t want to bring your Empire crushing down.
Last week I was at a Brains Trust, at the Belmont Synagogue, I was the only Christian there, and I want you to know that. I hope your continuing ongoing purchases of Bacon’s masterpieces (do you get them at Sainsbury’s) still goes on. I remember talking to one of the Securicor men in the foyer of Granada in Manchester, and I was discussing the painting with him, his comments: ‘he’s splodged it, hasn’t he’, and somehow I didn’t feel as secure as I had before.
Love, light and peace,
Spike Milligan
14
Crunching the Numbers
J. Willson, Esq.
Coutts & Co.
440 Strand
London WC2
4 February 1968
Dear Mr Willson,
How dare you remind me about this trivial overdraft when my Post Office Savings have reached £17.8.0?
I must warn you that once a month I put all my overdrafts into a hat and the one that comes out first, I clear. If you are not careful, I won’t even put your name in the hat but, good news Mr Willson, I have instructed Ireland not to beat Scotland when they play at Merryfield. Also I will be able to clear this overdraft by, say, the middle of May, by which time you may have even got this letter.
I will get my Manager to give you a ring and I would like very much to come and have lunch with you.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Coutts & Co.
440 Strand
London WC2
29 January 1971
Dear Mr Milligan,
Spike Milligan Productions Ltd
I write with reference to the arrangements made in July last when the Bank agreed to allow a limit of overdraft of £5,000 on the Company’s account for the ensuing six months. The period has now elapsed and we wish to review the arrangements in the normal course.
If you ar
e able to visit me for lunch at the Bank I would welcome the opportunity of discussing the matter of your Company’s borrowing requirements for the next six months with you.
No doubt you will telephone me beforehand in order that a mutually convenient time for your visit can be arranged.
Yours sincerely,
J. Willson
Assistant Manager
Coutts & Co.
440 Strand
London WC2
13 July 1972
Dear Mr Milligan,
I have received your letter of the 11th of this month and am grateful to you for having drawn my personal attention to the serious mistake that has been made by us concerning the Tax Reserve Certificates which we have been holding for you.
The matter has been fully investigated and it is quite clear to me from the report which I have been given that we did act most carelessly on this occasion and I am not going to make any pretences or excuses to the contrary.
I am sure that you will not wish to be bothered with the technical details of the mistake. It was, in itself, quite a simple one, but as so often can happen, it set in train a series of events leading to the present unhappy position. This, of course, will be put right, so far as it can be at the moment, by adjusting the entries made between the deposit and current accounts concerned and, needless to say, by the cancellation of the interest which has accrued on that part of the overdraft directly attributable to the events about which I write.
I do so understand how maddened you must have been by our stupidity but, as Manager of this Office, Sir, I cannot conceal from you my anxiety that, because of it, you no longer consider our services to be worthwhile. My sense of concern would indeed be deepened were it your intention – as your remarks could perhaps imply – to bring to an end our association of some years standing which we, ourselves, have looked upon with not a little pleasure.
You know, we at Coutts, would like to think that we have the ‘edge’ over our competitors in the quality of the service which we provide for our customers and whilst, sadly, there are still times when it is certainly not apparent, our efforts are constantly being directed to that end. This is not to say, among other things, that in time we shall be able to guarantee a faultless performance. That can never be and it would be foolish as well as misleading to suggest to you that it could.
Correspondence is all very well, of course, in serving certain necessary purposes. Nevertheless it does have its limitations and both Mr D. Osborne – the Assistant Manager most closely concerned with the day to day running of your accounts – and I, attach the very greatest importance to meeting our customers personally. In my experience, such meetings are invariably of some value but never more so than when some difficulty or problem has to be overcome. It occurs to me, therefore, should you be able to find the time, that you might like to come in to see us and if, perhaps, you would be good enough to let me know beforehand, we should be delighted if you would join us for luncheon and a tour of the Office afterwards! In the meantime I enclose the Tax Reserve Certificates for £3,443.78, as you have requested, together with a form of receipt for your signature and return.
Yours sincerely,
A. D. Southgate
Manager
A. D. Southgate Esq.
Coutts & Company
440 Strand
London WC2
3 August 1972
Dear Mr Southgate,
Thank you for your circular. I see that the lunch season is coming in, and I am willing to partake of your high table.
I would like you to bear in mind, that if the value of the lunch is over £10, I would rather you take the amount off my overdraft, and I will sign the menu, as though having partaken, of the meal.
Respectfully,
Spike Milligan
Coutts Victim
Nervous Breakdown
Ward 3
Middlesex
The Rt. Hon. Denis Healey MP
Treasury Chambers
London SW1
5 September 1975
Dear Mr Healey,
It was nice of you to have taken time off to have written me such a long letter, I appreciate all the contents and explanations. But, my Manager is still downstairs working out VAT forms as she has been for the last three hours, and ‘there’s the rub’, and whilst on the subject of Shakespeare, when it comes to VAT might I suggest ‘a good idea should give way to a better one’.
Anyhow, thank you again for replying.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
P. S. Don’t bother to reply to this letter, I know you are very busy – if you are not you should be.
J. F. Prideaux Esq. OBE
National Westminster Bank Limited
41 Lothbury
London EC2
4 September 1972
Dear Mr Prideaux,
Thank you for your letter; even accepting all the excuses I fail to see how you can claim to have a cable system, when money sent from Jersey on Friday 28th July, was still in England on 1st August at mid-day, during which time, in desperation I telephoned the jokers at Barclays Bank in London who told me the money was in Bristol, I phoned Mrs Boyd in Bristol at mid-day and she told me the money was with Mr Poole in London. No amount of excuses will change the quality of this as being other than gross inefficiency, I would go further – chaos.
I am afraid on the strength of this I am writing to the Financial Times, otherwise some other poor joker will be getting the same treatment.
Alas, I am not the sort of person that can keep quiet about this sort of thing.
Respectfully,
Spike Milligan
Dictated by Spike Milligan and signed in his absence
National Westminster Bank Limited
41 Lothbury
London EC2
5 September 1972
Dear Mr Milligan,
I am writing in reply to your recent letter addressed to the Chairman and whilst there is little I can add to Mr Prideaux’s letter of 7th August, I regret that you do not feel able to accept our apologies.
Yours sincerely,
S. Wild
Director and General Manager
Mr S. Wild
Director and General Manager
National Westminster Bank Limited
41 Lothbury
London EC2
13 September 1972
Dear Mr Wild,
I do accept your apology. I am not ungallant in that respect. The only thing I cannot accept is a mistake repeated twice to the detriment of the customer which caused me a lot of unnecessary outlay of money. Being a human being I naturally suffered remorse as a result of this, wouldn’t you?
I mean the banks have lost nothing but I have, and if I owned the bank I would make a thorough investigation of this system to see if it could be improved – I don’t suppose this has been done.
No I am a human being but I just cannot accept inefficiency.
Yours sincerely,
Spike Milligan
J. M. Bankier Esq
DHSS
North Fylde
War Pensions
Blackpool FY5 3TA
19 February 1988
Dear Mr Bankier (The rubber stamp Controller),
I am in receipt of your communication in which you informed me that you have paid £8 into my bank account.
I have written to the Queen and she is going to make it a national day of rejoicing.
Please let me know when this happens again because the contents of the bank are rather insecure, it is the Midland Bank at Barnet, and the only bank that has a begging bowl outside the front door.
Warm Regards,
Spike Milligan
[He wanted to buy a flat for one of his children. Spike and forms are not good bedfellows. It really did turn into chaos.]
Part Four
WORDS OF SUPPORT
15
Man of the People
Christian Simpson, Esq.
BBC T
elevision Centre
London W12
16 January 1957
Dear Christian,
I am sending you the films I spoke to you about, made by a young man called Kenneth Russell.
I realise these are not the greatest ever made, but considering the conditions he worked under, using only a cheap camera, with no-one to write the story for him, I think they show a lot of promise.
I would be grateful if you would bear him in mind in the future in case you may be able to use him as I think he deserves a helping hand.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
Charles Chilton Esq.
BBC
Aeolian Hall
London W1
10 November 1965
Dear Charles,
I really have been so much overworked in the last month, that I haven’t had a chance to even think about writing another script. Could you ask them to be kind and hold their horses until the New Year?
I think the next one will be for the police, as at least they are very much underentertained and very deserving of a night’s entertainment gratis.
Regarding the Navy Show whereas being there was wonderful and the lunch and the painted hall were all very wonderful, once again we suffered with this dreadful malaise of snobs and their wives and hangers on being in the audience, and not understanding a word of what was being spoken. I am going to have to make a stand this time, I really must say if when we arrive at the police show it is populated by thousands of people who really aren’t of the force other than by marriage then I am going to walk out. I am sorry to be like this, I am not really wanting to rock the boat, it’s just that I do think the rank and file ought to get preference here because all the top brass have the money to go out to big shows whenever they feel like it, the whole idea of these shows was to get people like privates, ratings and the lower echelons of the services to a free entertainment, up to now this has not happened and consequently we are really not getting a very good reception to the shows. I really think the BBC ought to do something about it, because the whole series has become a mockery.
Spike Milligan Page 12