“To be honest, Pastor,” Sunny started. “We have been having so many issues lately that we need to get started on our pre-marital sessions early.”
“Seriously?” I chuckled. “That’s the reason you’re going to give this man? Even I don’t have the balls to lie to a man of God. If we’re stuck doing this, we might as well be honest.”
“I’m telling the truth,” Sunny argued. “You know exactly why we’re here.”
I slowly shook my head and turned my attention back to Pastor Hodges. “We’re here because her parents think our relationship needs spiritual intervention. Unfortunately, Sunny hasn’t given her parents boundaries when it comes to our relationship so Peaches reached out to you without our consent.”
“We need consent to fix our relationship?”
“You know exactly what is wrong with me so don’t play dumb in front of this man. You’re what’s wrong with this relationship. You don’t need pre-marital counseling. You need a wakeup call. You don’t take my daughter away from me for a week and not even let me know where you’re going! I shouldn’t have to call all around Atlanta trying to find you and my child, Sunny!”
“I took my child away from all the chaos you cause in LA because we didn’t need to be there while you deal with your mess!”
“I didn’t cause that mess!” I yelled. “How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“Okay, okay,” Pastor Hodges interrupted our argument. “First things first, remember why you’re here. This is pre-marital counseling. That means that you love each other enough to want to be married. I understand that you’re both upset, and we’ll get to the reason why you’re both so angry with each other. Let’s start at a happier place, a time when the two of you weren’t at each other’s throats. Tell me your love story. How’d you get to this place where you want to be married to each other?”
Neither of us spoke. I was so mad at Sunny that I couldn’t get my thoughts to go back any further than her leaving me standing in the middle of LAX while she waddled through security with my daughter.
“Sunny?” Pastor Hodges persisted. “When did you know that you were in love with Aiden?”
“I’m not,” Sunny snapped but everybody in the room knew she was lying.
“Yeah, whatever,” I scoffed. “Take off my ring then.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? That way you can go out and screw all the skanky ex-girlfriends you want, huh?”
“I’ve told you that I’m not screwing any of my ex-girlfriends. Are you deaf? Is something wrong with your ears? Does pregnancy make you stupid?”
“Okay,” Pastor Hodges chuckled. “Obviously you are both too angry to go back there and that’s fine. In any marriage that is going to be successful, we have to learn how to get through the obstacles blocking our path because going around them or over them isn’t an option. Aiden, you’re upset with Sunny because...”
“Because Sunny doesn’t think about anyone except herself, especially when she’s mad. I’m just tired of that. She doesn’t listen either. Instead, she runs, and no amount of trying to reason with her works until she decides to stop being mad and act like nothing happened. Everything is on her timeline, and I’m supposed to wait her out until she’s ready to play nice. Excuse my language, but that’s bullshit. I’m not the best at relationships, but I know enough to know that’s not how they work.”
“That’s what you think I do?” Sunny asked.
“Not what I think you do; it’s what you do.”
“That’s a lie!”
Pastor Hodges didn’t interrupt this time. Instead, he leaned forward with his elbows on the desk and waited until there was a break in our bickering. I caught a glance at him staring at us. The expression on his face reminded me of that time my dad walked in on me studying a porno movie as if I was watching an instructional video...pure confusion and amusement. I stopped arguing first. We weren’t getting anywhere anyway. Sunny finally paused to take a sip from her coffee cup. Pastor Hodges took that opportunity to ask the one question that pops into my head every time Sunny and I argue.
“Are you done?”
Surprise etched across Sunny’s face and I had to hold back a snort.
“I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if that’s was any indication of how the two of you argue, then your marriage is doomed to fail. That wasn’t arguing. That was just yelling. You weren’t listening to anything the other person was saying. You were talking over one another. You weren’t even waiting for the other person to finish so you could make your point. Sunny, tell me one thing Aiden said just now.”
“He said I was immature and that I’m not a good mother.”
“Aiden, tell me something that Sunny said.”
“She called me a liar and a cheater.”
Pastor Hodges grinned. “Neither of you said any of those things. What was said was that leaving the way you did without telling him, not answering his phone calls, or giving him a chance to explain what happened was immature. And taking his daughter away from him like that affects her more than you think it does. Aiden, she didn’t call you a liar. She said that you wouldn’t tell her if you were sleeping with your ex-girlfriend because no one tells the truth until they’re actually caught. Both are actually valid arguments and issues that need to be addressed, but you heard the thing that would hurt you the most and that you could use as ammunition in order to keep yelling. So, for the remainder of today’s session, do not talk directly to one another. Understood?”
Again, neither of us spoke. I don’t know about Sunny but I was trying to remember exactly when she said I was a liar because I know that’s what I heard.
“When you fight fire with fire,” Pastor Hodges continued, “you don’t resolve anything. You never get to the real reason you’re upset. For us to get you to the point that you’ll have a successful marriage, we need to dive deep into your underlying issues here. Do you both understand what I’m saying?” Both of us nodded. “Good. So, let’s start with this. Aiden, why doesn’t Sunny trust you?”
That was a question I’d asked myself a million times. When it comes to Sunny, I never gave her a reason not to trust me. She just didn’t. I just shrugged my shoulders and tried to explain to the pastor as best I could.
“It doesn’t make sense,” I said. “Everybody, including Sunny, has this idea that I’m a cheater and all that because I’ve been with a lot of women. But I don’t cheat. I’ve been in three relationships since Sunny has known me. I never cheated on Ramey. I never cheated on Shay or Erica. More importantly, I’ve never cheated on Sunny. So, all that ‘I can’t trust you because you’re a cheater’ and ‘you’ve done it before’ is just an assumption based on my actions when I’m single. If anyone should trust me unconditionally, it’s her.”
“And do you trust her unconditionally?”
I looked over at Sunny. She was waiting anxiously for my answer. I felt honesty was the best option even if it hurt her feelings. I mean, that was why we were getting therapy in the first place, right?
“No, I don’t. I trust her regarding most things. I just don’t fully trust that she’ll be honest with me all the time. I don’t trust that she is as committed to me as I am to her. I don’t think she’d ever cheat on me, but I don’t trust her not to hurt me in other ways.”
Just like that, the tables turned and what I thought was going to be a session that focused on Sunny’s issues quickly changed focus to my feelings and thoughts. I immediately became more uncomfortable and regretted revealing that piece of truth. But Pastor Hodges insisted that I speak my mind.
Sunny’s desire to hear the one thing that I hated about her made me nervous. I totally wasn’t looking forward to hearing a million things that she hates about me. Telling Sunny that my biggest fear was not that she’d leave me, but would take my kids away from me out of spite wouldn’t have gone over as well as it did if the pastor wasn’t in the room.
“Do you see that you’re doing the same thing that you are accusing he
r of? You say that she uses your past actions against you, but you are doing the same thing. If she’s never done anything to you that is remotely close to what you’re afraid she’d do, you’re basing this theory on past actions that have nothing to do with you.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “I’m basing that off my own experiences with her. Sunny let me believe that we were going to be together after my divorce was final. Then, she told me that wasn’t ever her intention and that she had no desire to be with me or anyone else. She looked me in my face and told me that I should get over my feelings. That hurt like hell. Then, I found out that she was pregnant when she was six months along and she allowed me to believe that Summer was someone else’s kid for two years.
“When I did find out the truth, I had to put that anger and hurt to the side because I had to be a father. Summer deserved more than just two parents who parents who tolerated each other. Plus, I loved Sunny. I thought we could make something happen once she told me the truth about my child, but she kept saying that she didn’t have those types of feelings for me. I knew she was lying and the fact that she would never tell me the truth was hard to deal with. That’s why I feel that she won’t always be honest with me. She spent the last four years not being honest with me. What else am I supposed to think?”
All of a sudden, Sunny stood up abruptly. She grabbed her purse and muttered something about not being able to do this. She shielded her face from me with her hair and started to leave the pastor’s office. After she slammed the door behind her, I looked at the pastor because I wasn’t sure if I should go after her or if he was going to. He just shook his head and told me to finish what I was saying.
I knew Sunny wasn’t going to just sit there and listen to me point out the ways she hurt me. I hadn’t expected her to leave though, but I should have. That was her thing. Maybe Peaches and my mom and Pastor Hodges are right. We aren’t ready for marriage. Are we even ready to be together?
Chapter 19: Slippin’
NOTHING PREPARED ME for Aiden’s revelations in our therapy session. I was completely thrown off guard. As I watched his pained face while he told Pastor Hodges things he never told anyone before, not me or any of his friends, I could see that he hated to say it. But he had to. The fact that he was right hit me hard and I couldn’t stay there and deal with what I’d done. I needed some fresh air.
Never in my life have I ever meant to hurt that man. I sat behind the wheel of my mother’s car and let the tears fall down my face. What the hell was wrong with me? I knew that Aiden was upset over me not telling him about Summer in the beginning but I had no idea that he was still hurt almost three years later. What I’ve done to him over the years was so wrong and I had no idea if I could ever make that right.
And now I was doing the exact same thing he hated, running away from the problem without facing it head on like an adult. I sat in the car with my hand on my belly feeling our child, our child that was conceived in what I thought was unconditional love, and watching the cars zoom past. All I could think about was the flight to Atlanta. My baby kicked and moved around the entire flight, as if she knew something was wrong. I could tell that Summer was sad. She doesn’t like to be away from Aiden and I haven’t let her see or talk to her father the entire week we’ve been in Atlanta. I can’t keep doing that to the people that I love more than I love anything else.
Wiping my eyes with one hand, I grabbed my purse with the other and got out of the car. I didn’t want to but Aiden was still in Pastor Hodges’ office and I had to stop walking out on him. After tapping on the door, I waited with my heart racing until Pastor Hodges opened the door and let me back in. I sat back down in my chair and looked at Aiden.
He stared at me, confused, as if questioning my return to our therapy session. He opened his mouth like he was about to apologize but my pastor stopped him.
“No apology is needed. You did exactly what I asked. Sunny, thank you for coming back. I know this is difficult but it’s worth it. The fact that you came back tells me a lot. And what Aiden told me when you left only confirmed that working with you is important. You have what it takes to make it. I’m sure of it but you both need to learn how to be in a relationship.”
My ears perked up. I wondered what Aiden had said but I didn’t have to wonder long. He turned in his chair to face me.
“I need to know what I can do to make you trust me. If your lack of trust in me is why you do some of the things you do, I need to know what you need from me in order to fix it.”
My heart fell and tears sprang to my eyes once again. Because I know the truth and it has nothing to do with the man sitting across from me. I looked down at my growing pregnant belly then at Aiden and Pastor Hodges. I took a deep breath before saying,
“I don’t know if there’s anything that you can or need to do. You’re right. You haven’t done any of the things I put on you to me. It’s not that I don’t trust you, Aiden; I don’t trust men and myself to make the right decisions when it comes to them. You just happen to be a man.”
“That’s a cop-out,” Pastor Hodges surprised us both by saying. “Blaming your trust issues with Aiden on all men is too much of a generalization that many women use. Even if your past relationships are affecting your current relationship, you should be able to pinpoint what issues are similar to those you are experiencing in your current relationship. So think hard. What has Aiden done in the nine months you’ve been together for you not to trust him? I ask about the last nine months because as far as I understand, this is the first time you’ve actually been in a serious relationship with each other. Am I right?”
I nodded because he was right. And I had to be just as truthful with Aiden as he was with me.
“Nothing. Sometimes I think that his career is more important to him than anything else and I worry that he’ll make decisions with that in mind. But he hasn’t given me a reason to believe that he’d do any of the things that others have done. At least he hasn’t in these last nine months.”
“Yet, you still don’t trust him.”
“It’s hard because I know him so well. I saw him be with one woman after another for years. No matter how much he says he loves me, it’s hard to imagine that kind of behavior would just go away because he’s with me.”
“But he hasn’t done anything.”
“Right.”
“So you must see how illogical that idea is. You’re preemptively distrusting him on something that he may never do.”
“I know. And I’m scared that I’ll always do that.”
“Sunny,” Pastor Hodges said. “You’re smarter than that. And since I’ve known you since you were two weeks old, I can honestly say without reservation that you are your own worst enemy. You are a self-saboteur. You and I have had this conversation before. Aiden may have a history of being a certain way, but you have a bad habit of getting in your own way. You’ve done it with your family, your career, and now I’m seeing it with your relationships. Sunny, my dear, fixing the problems in your relationship starts with you.”
I could only cover my face with my hands and cry. I heard Aiden’s chair slide towards me then felt his arm around my shoulders.
“Babe, don’t cry,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay. Look at me, Sunny.”
Aiden moved my hands away from my face and moved my head so that I was looking at him.
“I love you. You know that. You love me and I know that. Right now, that’s what matters. We have plenty of time to work on everything else. We’re not going to solve everything today. We have a lifetime to work on it. Okay?”
With his hands on my face and his child moving around my belly, for that instance, there was nothing else in my world except the man in front of me looking into my eyes and telling me he loved me, despite all the crap I’ve put him through. I have to be able to put my insecurities to the side when it comes to him because Aiden is my lifeline. He’s whom I depend on when I feel like I’m drowning.
“I’m sorry
.”
“Me too,” he said.
That was enough for me. It was a starting point that we both needed.
***
I let Aiden take Summer back to LA with him to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family. She needed to be with him and I needed to be with my father. I was still reeling from our therapy session and thought a few cool mornings on the lake with my dad would help give me some insight as to what I should do. As it turned out, Jermaine had the same advice as Pastor Hodges. I should have known. Pastor Hodges and my dad grew up together. Only my dad was a little less kind with his words.
“Baby girl,” he had started. “You ask for everyone’s advice and opinions then not listen when it’s given. I’ve told you a million times that you have to let all that baggage go before you start a new relationship. You know what you have to do so stop asking. This is the last time I’m gonna tell you. Approach opportunities with a clean slate. Grow from your past experiences but leave the bullshit in the past.”
He told me that he would love to see me have the type of love and marriage that he and my mother have but having that was up to me. Then he made me tighten up the fishing lines and be quiet. I’d forgotten the number one rule on my father’s boat. There was no crying on the boat.
Going back to LA meant leaving the comfort and protection of my parents’ presence and facing Aiden and our issues head-on. It meant being ready to act like our relationship was brand new and fresh because it was. Aiden was no longer that friend that I knew who I watched bask in his celebrity status and judged him for his antics. He was the man I chose to say yes to, the father of my children, and the love of my life. I was nervous but I just wanted to see him.
I pulled through Aiden’s gate and was met by a driveway full of cars. I recognized the cars belonging to his band but not the two Maseratis and the white Bentley. The air pulsated with the loud pounding of deep bass coming from inside the house. The windows were open and it seemed like I could hear a hundred people inside. I parked my car inside of the garage and took a deep breath.
UNBROKEN (Friends, Lovers, or Nothing Book 5) Page 21