Distorted Hope

by Marissa Honeycutt

  “Will he hurt me?”

  Mark squinted at me in confusion. “Why would you ask that?”

  “He got so angry when he thought I was… someone else.”

  He grimaced. “He felt bad about that. About hurting you. He wasn’t in his right mind when he did that.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Nathan has a temper, but he’s not a violent man.”

  “He spanked me. Hard.”

  “He was disciplining you. Discipline is different than abuse.” Mark stared at the wall in silence again. His face became resolved and he stood. “Get dressed. I’m going to take you with me.”

  Ten minutes later, I followed Mark down the stairs and across the courtyard to Nathan’s office. I was shaking like crazy, terrified of Nathan’s reaction.

  Amé and Laurie were sitting out in the grass and they waved at me. I gave a small wave back and tried to keep the nervous nausea at bay.

  Mark knocked on the door and I heard Nathan’s firm “Come.” My stomach churned. “Mark…” I whispered, covering my mouth with my hand.

  Mark cursed and dragged me through the office and into the bathroom. When my stomach was calm again, he gave me a towel to wipe my face with and then we returned to the office.

  Nathan looked at us with a cocked brow. “You brought her in here so she could share her germs?” he asked in a dry tone.

  “No, sir…” Mark trailed off. He cursed under his breath and pulled me slightly behind him. “Kyra’s not sick, she’s… pregnant.”

  Nathan’s eyes filled with anger as he looked at me. He stood, hands on his desk. “That fucking fucker,” he growled.

  I stepped back in fear as he continued to glare at me.

  “If he weren’t doing such a good job, I’d fucking—”

  “Nathan, it’s not Jason’s baby,” Mark interrupted. “And she’s only been with one other man.”

  A myriad of emotions flickered across Nathan’s face until he finally paled and sat back down hard in his chair. “You’re saying it’s mine?”

  I winced as Mark nodded. Nathan’s eyes grew wide as he looked back at me. His eyes searched my body, seemingly for confirmation. When they latched onto my breasts, he took in a deep breath. “Oh.”

  The room was silent as Mark and I waited for Nathan’s reaction. He stared at me, eyes unreadable. After an eternity, he stood and walked out of the room without another word.

  I looked at Mark. “That went better than I expected.”

  “What happens now?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “I have no idea.”

  I went back to my room a few minutes later when Nathan didn’t return. I laid down in bed and stared out the window. My mind felt like mush, unable to think of anything for more than a few seconds.

  What will happen next? What will Jason say? What will Nathan do? Will Jason not want to be with me anymore? Will Nathan punish me? Will I be achy the entire pregnancy? Does giving birth hurt as bad as it seems in the movies? When does morning sickness end? What will Jason say? What will Nathan do? On and on, the questions circled in my mind until I finally fell asleep.

  I awoke to a gentle hand on my forehead. My eyes slowly opened and I gasped when I saw Nathan sitting on my bed next to me. He didn’t look angry.

  “Hello, Kitten,” he said in a gentle voice. “How are you feeling?”

  “Fine, thank you, Patrón,” I answered in a voice just above a whisper.

  He stroked my cheek, his eyes soft. “I’m not angry at you. You don’t need to be afraid.” He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips. “I won’t hurt you.”

  I gave him a timid smile and he grinned. He looked… different. Happy maybe? Not that he’d been necessarily unhappy before, but now… I couldn’t pinpoint the difference.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, nuzzling my cheek.

  I bit my lip. I hadn’t meant to show my thoughts on my face. “You seem different.”

  He raised his brows. “Good different or bad different?”

  “Good, I think.”

  He grinned again. “Good.” He kissed me again, this time deeper. I was reluctant at first, thinking of Jason, and Nathan pulled away with a firm look on his face. “Kyra, first and foremost, you belong to me. Not Jason.”

  Was he a mind reader? “Yes, Patrón.”

  Nathan’s brow twitched and he got a thoughtful look on his face. After a moment, his face softened even more. “I want you to call me Nathan from now on.”

  My eyes widened. “What?” I asked without thinking first.

  His hand slid down to my still-flat belly. “You’re carrying my child. I don’t want my child born to a slave.”

  My mouth opened in confusion. “You don’t?”

  “No, Kitten, I don’t. I was having a difficult time thinking of you as such, anyway.” He nuzzled my cheek. “You are mine. My girl. Mi vida.”

  I knew I didn’t want to upset him. I liked that he was being affectionate. But… Jason. I loved Jason. I wanted Jason. Oh, how would Jason take all this?

  As if to answer my question, there was a knock at the door and Jason walked in. “You awake, hon?” He froze when he saw Nathan leaning over me. Jason took a deep breath to calm himself before speaking. As possessive as he was of me, he had learned to control himself around Nathan, lest he not let us be together. “What are you doing in here?”

  Nathan sat up and looked at him casually. “I was making sure Kyra was alright.”

  Jason frowned at him and then looked at me. I looked away, feeling extremely guilty.

  “Is she alright?”

  “Yes. More than alright, actually.” Nathan smiled down at me. “She’s carrying my child.”

  Jason grabbed his midsection as if he’d been hit in the stomach and stared at me. “You’re… pregnant?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

  I nodded, giving him a look of longing and sorrow.

  “But… how…?” He looked at Nathan. “How do you know it’s not mine?”

  “Did you have unprotected sex with her?” Nathan’s eyes grew fierce.

  Jason’s jaw clenched. “No,” he said after a moment. “You fucker. You did? After Mark warned me about her getting pregnant? Is that why? So you could?”

  Nathan sighed. “Jason, I didn’t plan this. I didn’t do it on purpose. I had every intention of leaving the two of you alone. You were doing good work, Kyra was happy. Things were working very well. But…” He gave Jason an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Jason.”

  Jason stared at Nathan, hands clenching into fists. “You fucking bastard!” Jason yelled. “You can’t take her away from me. I’ll fucking sabotage the—”

  Nathan stood. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he said in a calm voice. “I can make your life a living hell if you do anything to sabotage this project.”

  Jason snorted. “Like you haven’t already.”

  Nathan’s brow cocked. “If you do anything stupid, I will tell the Colombians you are the reason their order will not be ready in time and then turn you over to them. I assure you, they will not give you a comfortable bed to sleep in and good food to eat. They will likely torture you to death over a very long period of time.”

  Jason’s chest heaved as he glared at Nathan. After a long moment, his eyes closed and he took a deep breath. “Why couldn’t you have just left her alone?” he whispered, then turned on his heel to leave the room. He glanced back and gave me a gentle look. “I still love you, Kyra.” He opened the door and left before I could respond.

  I turned and buried my face in my pillow, sobbing. Nathan had taken Jason away from me for the final time. We would not be together again and my heart ached like nothing else I’d ever felt. I knew I should be thankful Nathan wasn’t angry, but Jason was my first boyfriend. I loved him. And now, every day, I would have to suffer once again—being near him and not being allowed to be with him.

  Nathan sat back down on the bed and rubbed my back. “I’m sorry, Kyra. I didn’t want to hurt you. But… this wi
ll be better, I promise.” He kissed my shoulder. “No one can take me away from you. I’ll do my best to make you happy.” His hand ran slowly up and down my arm. “You’ll only be mine. You won’t be with anyone else.”

  I sniffed and looked up at him. “Really?”

  He nodded. “Why would I let anyone else touch the mother of my child?”

  I opened my mouth, wanting to know about him. Would he be with other women? But I figured it was probably a presumptuous question. He was the Patrón. Why would he limit himself to just one woman? He owned eight others. And they were far more experienced than me.

  “Your face is so expressive, Kitten,” he said, running his hands down my temple and smiling. His eyes crinkled at the corners. “What were you thinking?”

  “Nothing important.” Did I really want to know? Did it matter? I was the mother of his child and nothing more. He didn’t have feelings for me.

  “Tell me,” he urged gently. “Please.”

  His ‘please’ surprised me. He was a man who said ‘jump’ and the people around him asked ‘how high?’ and yet he was using ‘please’ to find out what I was thinking about?

  “I was wondering if you would be with other women. The other girls, I mean… or others, I guess.” I didn’t know if Nathan went out and picked up women. He hadn’t left the hacienda since I’d arrived. At least as far as I knew.

  His expression closed down at my words, impossible to read.

  “It’s okay if you do,” I continued quickly. “I mean, you can do as you like. I was just wondering. But since you have… the other girls… just so I know…” My voice trailed off. How stupid did I sound? Why did it matter? I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have asked if you hadn’t… asked. It’s none of my business. I know. I’m sorry.”

  Nathan leaned down and kissed me, delving his tongue gently between my parted lips. His hand cupped the back of my head, tangling his hand in my hair. His mouth was demanding—demanding I open myself to him. I had no choice but to submit.

  “No, Kyra,” he said in a husky voice, inches from my mouth. “I have no desire for any woman but you.” He kissed me again and then sat up. “I haven’t since you arrived.”

  My eyes widened in shock. “You… what?” He couldn’t be serious.

  “You’re a different sort of woman, Kyra. Something I haven’t seen in a very long time.” He took my hand and kissed the palm. “I kept you away from me because I didn’t want to interfere in Jason’s work. But I can’t let him have you if you’re having my baby.” He pressed his lips together for a moment. “I don’t want to be cruel, Kyra. I don’t want to make you unhappy, but a baby deserves to be raised by two parents who love him or her. Your relationship with Jason would only confuse things.”

  That hit a sore spot in my heart. Of course I would want my child being raised by loving parents. My grandparents had done their best with me, but they were older and my grandfather was a hard man.

  I glanced up at Nathan. He was a hard man. Would he be as distant as my grandfather had been with me? He looked at me with soft, gray eyes. He seemed different. Really different. “So what happens now?”

  The corners of his eyes crinkled. “We get to know each other. I give you time to get over Jason.” He leaned down to kiss me again. “And then we’ll get married.”

  Not for the first time today, my senses were blown away at someone’s words. “Married?”

  Nathan nodded. “Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my child to have married parents.”

  Marry an arms dealer? I didn’t know what to say. I rubbed my eyes and temples. This was getting to be too much. My head was starting to hurt. I just wanted to go to sleep.

  “Have you eaten today?”

  I shook my head, grateful for the change in subject.

  He looked at his watch. “Let’s go have some lunch. You need to eat.”

  “Yes, Pa— er, Nathan.” It felt weird, calling him that out loud, even though I called him that in my head. I’d only called him by his name once before and it was the night he’d pushed me out of bed.

  He smiled and helped me to my feet. “Everything will be okay, Kyra. I promise.”

  At lunch, Nathan seemed more relaxed than he had since I’d arrived. He laughed easily at comments made by the men at the table. The men, Mark especially, seemed very surprised at his demeanor.

  Jason ate quickly. He refused to speak to anyone and wouldn’t look at me. As soon as he was done, he left.

  I blinked away tears as Jason exited the room. My heart ached for him. Not only did I want him back, my heart ached for his hurt. He’d been working so hard, being so careful so the two of us could be together. We’d grown so close the last few weeks. He was even prepared to stay on with Nathan once the project was done in case Nathan didn’t release me.

  But that was all over. Nathan would definitely not let me go now, not with me pregnant. And he was talking about marriage, too. How would that work? Oh, this was all too much to think about.

  “Luís needs to pull the IUD out as soon as possible,” Mark was saying to Nathan.

  “When?”

  “He said he’d come back today if you wanted. I wanted to tell you before he did it. I… wasn’t sure how you’d react to the news.”

  I felt Nathan looking at me. “I think I’m looking forward to having a child.”

  I looked up at him and was startled by the tender look in his eyes. Was he looking at me that way because I was pregnant? Or because of me?

  “Call Luís,” Nathan said. “Tell him whenever he wants to do it is fine with me.”

  I spent the afternoon reading in Nathan’s office while he worked. Dr. Perez would come the next day to remove the IUD. I curled up in the corner of the couch after he told me I didn’t have to sit on the floor anymore. When I started yawning, Nathan urged me to lie down on the couch and take a nap. I was asleep within minutes.

  Nathan woke me by stroking my hair and whispering my name. I opened my eyes to see him giving me a tender look. “Dinner time,” he said in a gentle voice. “You feeling okay?”

  I nodded as I sat up. “Thank you for letting me nap.”

  He was sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch. “I want you to take care of yourself. Nap when you need to. Eat when you need to. Tell me if you need or want anything. Pregnancy can make you crave strange things.” He chuckled. “I will have to have Juanita and Beatriz ready for anything in the kitchen. It will likely change often.”

  “You know about pregnancy?”

  His eyes took on a pained look. “A little. At least the first half of it.”

  I desperately wanted to ask about Danielle but kept my mouth shut. He gave me a sad smile and then helped me to my feet. “We will get to know each other better, Kitten.”

  Jason disappeared upstairs after dinner and Nathan let him. Nathan watched with understanding on his face as Jason jogged up the stairs as quickly as he could, and then gave me a sympathetic look as I blinked back tears. “It will get easier, Kitten,” he said, cupping my cheek. “Time heals wounds.”

  He took me by the hand and led me over to the large sitting area in the middle of the room. The girls started wandering in and gave him adoring looks. He greeted each of them by name as they passed by. More than one pair of eyes widened at the sight of my hand in Nathan’s.

  Amé started to ask me something, but hurried away at the warning look from Nathan. I wondered if I wouldn’t be able to be friends with the other girls anymore. I hoped not; I liked them.

  Nathan motioned to the chair next to him. “You can sit there, Kitten.”

  I blinked in surprise. He raised his brows in amusement and just a hint of a warning and I sat down quickly, gathering my legs beneath me and trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. That, however, was impossible, as now everyone in the room was staring at me. Women sat on the floor—it was the rule. My face turned pink and I stared down at the hem of my blue dress.

  Nathan stood next to his chair and l
ooked around, seeming to appraise the room with an amused look on his face. The girls were all staring at him with avid curiosity. The men looked curious, as well, except Mark, who knew what was going on. Mark watched Nathan with an impassive expression on his face, but the hint of satisfaction I had seen in his eyes the first night I arrived was there again.

  “You are all looking at me as if I’ve grown a second head,” Nathan said with amusement. The girls giggled and whispered to one another. “Alright,” he said with a broad grin and glanced down at me with affection. “I’m not sure if the news has been spread around…” Nathan looked at Mark, who shook his head. “Kyra is pregnant with my child.”

  The room erupted with gasps and frenzied whispers on the girls’ part.

  A grin appeared on Nathan’s face. “I’m pleased with what happened.” He looked down at me again. “Very pleased, although it wasn’t expected or planned.” He reached out and stroked my hair. “I’m very happy.”

  I smiled, that he was happy about the situation but still brokenhearted over Jason.

  “Yes, girls, you can go talk to Kyra. For a few minutes.”

  I was immediately surrounded by the girls and hugged. Questions came at me from all sides and congratulations, too. I struggled to understand it all and wanted to run away, but my friends were happy for me. My friends. I had friends. I liked that I had friends, but at the moment, I just wanted peace and quiet.

  “Alright, girls,” Nathan said after a few minutes, “you can talk to her tomorrow.” The girls dispersed and I gave Nathan a grateful look.

  The men started talking around me and I was forgotten. Well, not really. Nathan put his hand on mine every once in a while, but I really had nothing to add to the conversation. They talked about sports and things happening around the hacienda. Once again, Nathan seemed more relaxed than he’d been since I had arrived. How could my being pregnant be related to that?

  I stared at the steps leading up to the second floor—the steps Jason had taken a little while ago. I wondered what he was doing, how he was feeling. Was he okay? Did he miss me like I missed him? Oh, how my heart hurt!