“What does that matter—their not being first?” Eden tipped her head back to ask. “Quitting is quitting.”
“It’s a guy thing,” Izzy told her, nuzzling her neck through her thick, sweet-smelling hair. “Some guys think quitting stings less when you don’t do it first.”
“And you really think that the lieutenant is wrong—about the candidate he thinks is going to ring out first?”
“Grunge isn’t wrong very often,” Izzy admitted. “But this time, yeah, he’s definitely missing something.”
Grunge had gone with his instincts and pegged Petty Officer John Livingston—AKA Seagull—as Quitter Number One. The other instructors had been ordered to help Seagull along, essentially by getting in the little dude’s face and increasing his self-doubt.
You’re not going to make it, Livingston!
Do your boat squad a favor by ringing out now! Don’t make them drag your sorry ass along with them, Livingston! Everyone on this beach knows you are never going to make it!
You’re not strong enough, Livingston, you’re not tough enough, you’re not mean enough, you’re not man enough…
Izzy could see the bulk of the instructors, close to the end of the line of SEALs who were now sitting, elbows linked, in the frothing surf. Seagull was down there.
“Whoops, we have movement,” Eden announced, handing over the NVGs so Izzy could see.
But when he aimed the lenses toward Seagull, she added, “Nope, other end. Is it him?”
“Grunge’s pick?” Izzy clarified. “No.” Quitter Number One wasn’t Seagull. Grunge was rarely off by much, so maybe Seagull would be Quitter Number Two. Izzy aimed the lenses back and sure enough, the instructors were leaning hard on Seagull. They were still in his face.
A SEAL named Carlos had a bullhorn, and his words drifted clearly down the beach. Be a patriot, Livingston, you know you’re not good enough! You know you’ll never do this, so step aside so the real men can be SEALs!
Izzy was looking directly at Seagull and right at that moment, right after a wave broke over the SEAL candidates’ very cold heads, he had a clear shot of the man’s face. And he could’ve sworn he saw Seagull smile.
It was just a little smile. A private smile.
“Grunge was definitely wrong,” Izzy told Eden. “Guy he picked as Quitter Number One isn’t going anywhere, at least not anytime soon.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Monday
Ben Gillman:
Ryan was right.
At school on Monday morning, everyone was talking about our “date.”
And if they weren’t before that, they certainly were after Ryan found me at my locker and walked me to homeroom. While holding my hand.
Of course the one person—Wade—that Ryan hoped would get talking after seeing Byan or Ren or whatever-the-hell the cheerleaders immediately started calling us… He wasn’t talking to anyone, because he wasn’t in school.
He’d also maintained his radio silence. No email, no text, no calls. No stones or marbles or Happy Meal action figures hidden in their special tree. Seriously. Ryan and Wade have a special message tree, with their own special stone-and-marble code. (sighs)
Ryan told me all about it on the walk from my locker to homeroom.
He also told me that he’d spoken to Julie Busch—she’s in Ryan’s advanced placement chemistry class. She was working the same shift as Wade last night, over at Burgers Plus. And she said that Wade said he’d lent his car to Angel, his sister-in-law. And Wade didn’t say why, but apparently he told Julie that doing that—lending his car to Angel—was going to make his brother, Cody… and I quote, “lose his shit.”
Apparently, that was what we witnessed in the B-Plus parking lot. Cody in shit-losing mode, maybe because he had to pick up Wade…? But that in itself was weird, because Wade and Cody live, like, five minutes away. Wade could’ve walked home. Easily.
But whatever it was, Ryan was relieved that it didn’t have anything to do with Cody discovering Wade’s Awful Little Secret. (shakes his head and sighs again) I don’t get why Ryan’s willing to put up with this. I just don’t. I wouldn’t.
Anyway, we’re standing at the door to my homeroom, and Ryan’s still all about Wade. He’s like, “I know you have that weekly meeting with him—in Ms. Standfast’s office.”
And I know he’s gonna ask me to talk to Wade, somehow, while we’re in this meeting with the guidance counselor, which is not going to be easy to do, since we’re both supposed to be accompanied by our parents or guardians. And even though Wade always shows up alone, my family takes this thing—my post-suspension punishment—dead seriously. So I tell Ryan this and I say, “I don’t know how I’m gonna talk to Wade, unless I do it in morse code.”
And he’s like, “Then I’ll write a note. You can slip it to him.”
All I can think is, You’re going to put your feelings for this boy onto paper, in a note that someone else can find? Way to really scare the crap out of him. Instead, I say, “Okay, but write it on your computer, print it out, don’t sign it, don’t use either of your names, and then delete the document.”
Ryan nods, his eyes so serious behind his glasses.
“Meeting’s not until tomorrow morning,” I point out.
He nods again, and then he hugs me. Hard. “Thank you.”
I hug him back, because how can I not?
And part of me—just a small part—wishes that I were freaking Wade O’Keefe.
* * *
“Two experienced adults versus one newbie infant,” Sam Starrett drawled in his Texas cowboy accent as he took Colin out of Dan’s arms. “We got this, Gillman. Go make sure Jenni falls asleep.”
Dan wasn’t sure who he found more intimidating—Sam, who’d been an officer in SEAL Team Sixteen back when Dan was fresh out of BUD/S, or Sam’s good friend Robin Chadwick Cassidy, an actor who was the star of Shadowland, which was one of Jenn and Eden’s favorite TV shows.
“We’ll knock if we need you,” Robin told Dan with a reassuring smile. “But we won’t need you.”
Yeah, it was definitely Sam who was more intimidating. The former SEAL now worked at Troubleshooters Incorporated, a private security company headquartered here in San Diego. Danny wasn’t the only active duty SEAL who was eyeing TS Inc as a potential place to work after leaving the Navy—in part because he’d get another chance to team up with Sam.
Along with a chance to work with Sam’s kickass wife Alyssa—a former Navy sharpshooter and ex-FBI agent.
Sam and Alyssa had a two-year-old son named Ash who was one of the sweetest, most precocious kids Dan had ever met. Ash was already talking, and he was like a miniature Izzy Zanella. Absolutely no filter. Huh. Interesting how it was cuter on a two-year-old.
“Why he cwying?” Ash had asked about Colin, his dark brown eyes shining with genuine curiosity and concern when Sam and Alyssa had brought him over for that welcome-home party. “Is he sad cuz he wanna watch TV and his mommy say no?”
“Probably not, buddy,” Sam had answered Ash easily. “He’s too little to watch TV. Colin’s just getting used to being here. Everything’s brand new for him.”
Ash had then turned to Jenn. “Why you cwying? You sad cuz he cwying?”
All of the adults in the room—Dan included—had been politely pretending that she wasn’t teary-eyed.
“A little bit, yeah,” Jenn told the boy.
“He just gettin’ used to being here,” Ash echoed his father’s words with the exact same easy-going confidence as he patted Jenn’s knee with his tiny hand.
Today, Sam had left Ash at home, so he and Robin could give Colin their full attention.
Leaving Colin in their capable hands, Danny went into the bedroom, where the shades were pulled tightly down. Jenn had crawled back into bed, but she was awake, her eyes wide as she stared up at the ceiling. They’d both been up nearly all night, but despite that, she was nearly hovering above the mattress.
Dan had found a white noise app on his
phone, and he now turned it on and turned the volume up until the faint but persistent sound of Colin’s wailing vanished beneath the serene sound of a babbling brook.
Jenn turned and looked at him. “How does that not drive them crazy?” she asked.
“First, he’s not their kid, so his crying doesn’t bother them. Robin says when it’s your own baby, the sound is way more upsetting. That makes sense.” Dan slipped in beside her, beneath the sheets, and gently pulled her into his arms. She was tense and she resisted, but not for long.
“Second,” he continued, “Sam’s only here for two short hours. Eden’s coming then, at which point he gets to flee. Robin-the-brave’ll be here for an hour after that, with Eden. When Robin leaves, Kelly’ll join Eden. After that, I’m taking a shift—with you, if you’re awake. But until then, we should both try to sleep through the changing of the guard.”
He felt Jenn nod, her head tucked beneath his chin.
Dan could feel himself begin to fall asleep—the pre-unconsciousness buzz in his head already starting, simply because he was lying down. He’d learned, during his career as a SEAL, how to take advantage of even just a few minutes of downtime by taking short but fortifying “combat” naps. As a result, he could fall asleep anywhere, anytime, both quickly and easily.
Jenn, not so much.
He knew one way he could get her to relax, but he also knew that even if they went creative to get around her OB/GYN’s restrictions, she definitely wasn’t in the mood for that kind of distraction.
His woman needed to sleep.
“Colin’s safe,” Dan whispered to her.
He felt her nod again. “I know. I just…”
“No just, no but. Colin’s safe. Say it, Jenn,” he breathed.
Jenn sighed. “Colin’s safe.”
“Now say it like you mean it.”
She laughed a little. “You know me too well.”
“No such thing. Say it.”
“Colin’s safe.”
“Good. Now think it,” Dan told her. “Colin’s safe as you breathe in, Colin’s safe as you exhale. Keep it back there—Colin’s safe—while you try to slow down your breathing. Four slow beats while you inhale, hold for four, four out, hold for four—repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. FYI, I learned this touchy-feely bullshit from a hard-ass sniper who used it to regulate his breathing to slow his heart rate and steady his aim. It also works to help fall asleep.”
She was paying attention. He could hear her slow inhale, her pause, her slow exhale.
“While you’re doing that,” Dan continued softly, “unlock your jaw. It’s probably clenched—”
Jenn made a little laughter-related noise that he interpreted as You think?
But he kept going. “Keep breathing and don’t forget to remind yourself Colin’s safe. But while you’re thinking about your mouth and jaw, pay attention to your tongue. Everyone sleeps a little bit differently, but I’ve learned that right before I fall asleep, I do this thing with my tongue where it relaxes and kind of moves to the back of my mouth. And I’ve also learned that if I want to fall asleep fast, it helps to put my tongue in that position while I breathe slowly and deeply and…”
Jenn snored.
It wasn’t really a snore—in fact, it was a cute little barely-there sound. But it was definitely the noise he’d come to recognize as her breathing pattern when she was fast asleep.
Danny smiled and gave himself a few of his own Colin’s safes as he positioned his tongue, surrendered to the buzz, and embraced some desperately needed oblivion.
* * *
SEAL Candidate Petty Officer Third Class
John “Hans” Schlossman:
I was right about my swim buddy. Kurt left without looking back in that first departing wave. He rang out fourth or maybe it was fifth.
When lots of guys ring out like that, swim buddies and even entire boat squads get reassigned. In fact, throughout the week, boat squads merge and get absorbed, because it’s not a squad if there’s only two or three of you left.
So I’m sitting there in that water, freezing my balls off, but I’ve got hope in my heart because maybe, finally, please little lord Jesus, Timebomb’s load is gonna ring out, too. And that way, since we’re already in the same boat squad, we can buddy up. At which point making it through this Charlie-Foxtrot will finally get easy.
But no. Fricking Seagull’s still in the water. He’s so skinny, he’s shaking from the cold, but he’s damn near clinging to Timebomb—probably so he can suck away Da Bomb’s body heat, the greedy little son of a bitch.
Then, finally, we’re getting out, and the instructors are shouting that it’s time for calisthenics. And we’re all, Thank God, we’re finally out of the cold water, except you know what happens when you’re fully clothed and soaking wet and you start rolling around in the powdery sand? The nickname for this type of exercise is sugar cookie drills. Sand covers us completely, and FYI? It gets everywhere.
One big nasty word describes what happens then: chafing. Barely an hour in, and the chafing begins.
But the sand’s still warmer than the surf, so I’m happy about that.
And I’m not the only candidate who’s now buddy-less, and Grunge—the lieutenant—starts pairing up the newly orphaned. And he looks at me and smiles, and I think, Thank God. I’m not gonna get Timebomb, but LT likes me, so he’ll give me someone good.
Of course, he then buddies me with the second biggest dip-shit in the class, guy named Jake Harris. I didn’t even know his last name before we were suddenly buddies. During most of Phase One, we called him Jake-the-fake. He was the king of the sick-call commandos—always going down to medical for the least little nonexistent ingrown toenail. Apparently, he’d trained for the Olympics—he claimed he had a real shot on the US swimming team, but he gave it up because SEAL. That’s all he ever talked about. How he sacrificed a gold medal to come to BUD/S. (sighs)
So, yeah, he can swim, but with his yammering, he’s a bigger load than Kurt.
But at least Jake came over to Squad John, which meant I was still teamed up with Timebomb.
And Seagull.
Fucking Seagull.
It was weird because as we’re rolling in the sand doing those sugar cookie drills, I could’ve sworn I heard Timebomb say, “Thanks, man. I owe you.” To Seagull.
Seagull was all, “You belong here. You believe that, too. I just reminded you.”
For a minute I thought, Holy fuck, was Timebomb going to ring out during that first wave, and did Seagull somehow talk him out of it?
Then I thought, No fucking way. I must’ve misheard ’em.
And as Monday finally ended with me still dragging Jake-the-fake behind me, DB was still dragging Seagull, too.
CHAPTER FIVE
Tuesday
“It’s my turn,” Danny said into his phone as he searched for his sneakers. “I’m here, I’m home, so… I really have to go with you.” He realized how that might sound to his younger brother, so he quickly revised it. “I mean, I want to go with you, Ben. Jenni’s feeling a little better, she actually slept for a few hours yesterday…” He was the one who’d woken up every few minutes, or so it had seemed—checking to make sure she wasn’t lying there awake, gritting her teeth, while he slept serenely beside her. “But really, that doesn’t matter, because this is not open for discussion. I’m picking you up in fifteen.”
His flip-flops were over by the kitchen door, so he slipped his feet into them.
“I’m already at school,” Ben pointed out. “Eden dropped me on her way to work.”
“Then I’ll see you over there in ten,” Dan said, now searching for his phone for several very weird seconds before he realized that he was holding it. Talking into it. Damn.
“Look. Dan. I’m pretty sure Wade already got the message loud and clear,” Ben said as Dan went into the living room, where Jenn was nursing Colin in their new rocking chair. The baby was more than half asleep and quiet for once, and the sight of them there,
like that, was so beautiful, Danny’s heart caught in his throat.
“Past few weeks,” Ben continued, “I’ve gone to these sessions with you and Izzy, then with Jay Lopez, then with Tony, then Izzy again while Mark Jenkins waited out in the hall. Wade might look like an idiot, but he’s not. I’m pretty sure he’s recognized the pattern. And the very clear warning.”
Dan winced. That was, in fact, exactly the message he’d wanted Wade to receive, and Jenn had warned him that Ben would figure it out, too. And probably not be all that thrilled by the less-flattering interpretation, which was that Danny believed Ben incapable of taking care of himself.
But then Ben said, “Wherever I go, there’s a Navy SEAL—or four—watching out for me. I know you guys look out for each other. And I appreciate that your friends are, you know, my friends, too. I really do. But…” He took a deep breath and exhaled hard. “Dan, today I really need to go to this meeting alone. I actually have to try to talk to Wade—which won’t happen if you’re there.”
“Seriously?” Dan said, and Jenn looked up at him, finger to her lips. She knew he was high-school bound, so she gave him a little wave and an I’m okay nod. “Say hi to Ben,” she mouthed silently.
Eden and her new gay bestie Adam were scheduled to come over at thirteen hundred, giving Dan and Jenn the chance for a two-hour afternoon nap. While Jenn had appreciated yesterday’s tag-team approach, Dan knew that she didn’t like the idea of spending so many hours in a row apart from the baby. Still, knowing that a break was in their immediate future was tremendously empowering.
For both of them.
His little brother laughed a little. “Yeah, there’s been a bit of a weird twist in the Wade O’Keefe Wants to Kill Me chronicle.”
Dan backed up so he was in the kitchen, but he still whispered so as not to wake his sleeping son. “What’s going on?”
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