by Candy Guard
‘Hmph,’ I replied, working out several replies to his text but then deciding to be an queen and not answer at all. I decided that I liked again and that I now had a crush on him.
–7–
Scarf Wars
At school on Monday I was putting our names down for Boxford’s Got Talent (which wasn’t for two months – plenty of time for us to learn instruments!) when Myf pointed to the poster about the auditions for Romeo and Juliet.
Then came along,
‘Hi, Jells, how’re you getting on with the bass?’
‘Er, fine,’ I said, going scarlet as usual.
‘She hasn’t even picked it up, Rog.’
‘Yes, I have! Shuddup, Myf!’
Then, just as I was about to shuffle away, Mrs Lilac came along. ‘Jelly daaarling! Hello, Roger luuurve! Myfanwy! How lovely to see you!’
She turned to Myf . . .
‘So, Roger,’ Mrs Lilac said. ‘Do you think you would like to play Romeo in Romeo and Juliet?
looked a bit .
‘I don’t understand, Mrs Lilac,’ he said.
Did I mention that had been kept back two years at school for being handsome ? Even Myf was more proficient in the brain department.
‘It’s a PLAY,’ Myf explained to as though was a very small child, ‘and Mrs Lilac wants you to play a PART in it.’
‘OK!’ he said, and wrote his name down.
He went off humming and I noticed he had written his name under Juliet so I went to cross it out and move it. It was then that I saw that Sandy had put his name down for Romeo . . .
And that Cicily Fanshaw had put her name down for Juliet! I felt my blood and immediately wrote my name down as well. Cicily wasn’t going to steal Sandy off me that easily! (Not that I cared.)
‘Look, Jelly, it’s Sandy!’ Myf shouted.
I immediately felt because I hadn’t seen Sandy since the gig and I hadn’t answered his text and I was worried he would mention our date or non-date or whatever it was and I was in a very going-red sort of mood.
‘Hi, Jelly,’ Sandy said, all like he hadn’t done anything wrong. ‘Mrs Lilac’s persuaded me to audition for Romeo even though I haven’t got time now we’ve got so many gigs – but you know what she’s like . . .’
‘Hmm,’ I murmured grumpily.
‘Why didn’t you come to see the band the other night?’ he asked.
I noticed that he was still wearing my scarf and that he was looking at my neck where his scarf used to be and I went bright .
‘Shuddup, Myf!’ I told her.
‘So you just left?’ he said. ‘Without saying hello?’
‘Well there were all these groupies; I couldn’t get near you,’ I said, noting that he was still wearing my scarf, but slightly tucked in his jacket.
‘We want loads of groupies, don’t we, Jelly?!’ Myf yelled. ‘That’s why we’re starting a band so we can get loads and LOADS of boyfriends!’
‘I . . .’ Sandy began.
Then suddenly Cicily materialised beside Sandy – wearing his scarf! – and started dragging him off.
I was so and flustered I just walked away.
I heard Sandy saying to Cicily, ‘Where did you get that scarf?’ and Cicily answering, ‘Oh, Jelly threw it on the floor at your gig so I picked it up.’
‘It’s mine,’ Sandy told her.
‘Oh is it?! Here, you can wear mine if you like – it’s Fanshaw tartan . . . no, not on top of that old rag, throw that away – it looks like it’s got old egg on it . . .’
I glanced back to that though Sandy was allowing Cicily to put her scarf round his neck, he was clutching my one firmly to his chest. He shot me a look and I turned away.
I hurried past Mrs Lilac who was in the process of trying to persuade Connor Mitchell, the most boy in the school, to be in the play.
‘Oh my darling Connor,’ she cooed.
–8–
Wherefore Art I, Juliet?
At the auditions, Mrs Lilac was VERY impressed with Sonja and Myf’s auditions for the part of Juliet’s nurse (even though Myf was reading it very badly and Sonja was shouting her lines in a very threatening manner.
She said they both had wonderful voice projection (very voices) and that she was in a quandary over who to choose.
Sonja suggested an arm wrestle to determine it.
Myf was SO determined and put up such a good fight that she managed to hold off Sonja’s victory for twenty minutes by keeping her hand 1mm off the table.
Then it was the auditions for the parts of Romeo and Juliet. Mrs Lilac said Sandy should audition with Cicily and that I should audition with . I tried not to mind – after all, I had a on again now so it was fitting that we should audition together.
We all sat in a row and watched Cicily and Sandy. Cicily was nauseating! She was dressed in an Elizabethan get-up and had learnt the part inside out, and was doing all these embarrassing theatrical gestures and talking in a actressy voice. I had to admit that Sandy made quite a good Romeo . . . he managed to say the lines so you could understand what he was saying – more or less – and sounded quite natural.
At the end, the tutting at Cicily from the row of other kids waiting to audition was drowned out by Mrs Lilac’s clapping and cheering.
Now it was my turn, and I got up to follow onstage.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Sandy smiling up at me as I walked past him.
‘Break a leg, Jelly!’ he said.
‘What?’ I said, and immediately tripped over a brick that had appeared from nowhere.
‘Are you OK, Jelly darling?’ Mrs Lilac cried.
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I whimpered, even though I definitely wasn’t fine, and was completely to have fallen over in front of Sandy.
My foot was really throbbing but I was determined to do my audition. I limped up to the stage, but couldn’t really stand properly so Mrs Lilac suggested I do it sitting on a chair. It was HOPELESS! I was supposed to be dancing about at a masked ball!
And didn’t help. He kept reading out Juliet’s lines and treading on my foot.
Our audition was a bit like this . . .
I was in agony, but because I had an audience I refrained from screaming blue murder.
As soon as it was over, I back to my seat (my foot felt like a jellyfish sting dangling from my leg).
When I got back in my seat, Roobs said, ‘Are you all right, Jelly?’
And Myf said, ‘Sandy told you to break your leg – he’s a pig!’
Mrs Lilac came over to see if I was all right. I told her I was because I just wanted her to go away so I could screeeaaaaam.
‘Jelly darling, that was a VERY audition . . . and, , the way you kept echoing Juliet’s lines was very original . . . But I really have no choice but to cast Sandy and Cicily as my star-crossed lovers!’
‘Fine,’ I said (I didn’t care – I just wanted everyone to GO!!!). Cicily was jumping up and down with glee but Sandy left her and came over to me,
‘Is your foot all right, Jelly?’
‘Yes, thanks,’ I said, a bit rudely because I just wanted to be ALONE!
Then I saw that Cicily’s mum had come to collect her and I could hear Cicily saying:
‘Mummy! Is it OK if Sandy comes back to ours? We really should start rehearsing straight away!’
‘Oh, I can’t, Mrs Fanshaw, thank you. I’ve got a band rehearsal.’
And then as Mrs Fanshaw went to pick up Cicily’s bag of clothes and make-up she said:
‘I . . . er . . .’ Sandy said.
‘And could you carry Cicily’s bag, Sandy dear?’
Sandy sighed and went over to help. ‘Certainly, Mrs Fanshaw,’ he said politely.
Mrs Fanshaw said to Cicily: ‘What have you got in there, darling? A ton of bricks?’
Sandy turned and gave me a SIGNIFICANT (that I didn’t understand) and then lugged Cicily’s bag out of the school hall.
Bricks . . . bricks . . . ? I had tripped over a brick that had ap
peared from nowhere, hadn’t I?! And I suddenly remembered – Cicily’s dad was a bricklayer! She would stop at NOTHING to get what she wanted!!
–9–
Nurse Mum
I was annoyed that Sandy had gone off with Cicily, even though he was probably just being polite. Sometimes you can be TOO polite. I started slowly putting my things in my bag as I waited for everyone to drift off.
Mrs Lilac was the last one to leave.
‘Bye-bye, girls!’
As soon as the door swung closed behind her and her footsteps disappeared . . .
I told them to go without me because I couldn’t rush, and being loyal and patient friends – they went without me! Then suddenly reappeared, having forgotten his bag.
insisted on waiting for the next bus with me and getting me home safely. He was so kind – unlike Sandy the Polite Pig – and so handsome too. I definitely, definitely had a crush on again and had totally forgotten about Sandy and Cicily.
When I told my family that I thought I’d broken my foot they reacted like this:
Julian tried to put a bag of frozen peas on my foot but I couldn’t stand the weight of it.
Then he found a frozen bay leaf and tried to put that on my foot but I couldn’t stand that either, and SCREAMED.
Mum would make an appalling nurse.
–10–
Hammy Roles
The next day the pain had subsided but the disappointment about not getting a part in the play hadn’t. However, Roobs had a suggestion:
‘Why don’t we sign up to do the catering? Then at least we can all go to the after-play party!’
So we did, and Mrs Lilac said that as we were going to be at all the rehearsals Myf and I should be understudies for Cicily and Sonja. She said that we were such wonderful, sensitive actresses with incredible stage presence! She also made understudy for Romeo. I’m not sure he knew what that meant, but he did look very handsome.
She gave us all copies of the play and told us to learn our parts thoroughly just in case. There was NO chance I would ever have to understudy for Cicily – she would be ill. Myf, however, thought there was a strong chance Sonja might be ill.
‘She looks the sickly type,’ she said. ‘I’m going to learn my part.’
Our job as caterers during rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet was to provide refreshments during breaks.
‘What wonderful squash!’ Mrs Lilac exclaimed. ‘What delicious ham rolls! And yummy bickies! Did you make them? No? So beeeautifully chosen then. Perfect!’
We also had to concentrate on the play because of mine and Myf’s important roles as understudies:
The only thing that occasionally kept us awake during rehearsals was Connor Mitchell who had been flattered/persuaded/hypnotised/bribed into playing the part of Friar Lawrence (whoever he was) – partly because no one else had auditioned.
During a scene with Juliet and Friar Lawrence, Cicily gave a lively (if nauseating) performance as Juliet, but Connor – despite Mrs Lilac’s protestations of his stage presence, natural good , depth of voice – and that he was the new Johnny Depp – was so monotone and that it was funny.
And because Sandy missed the first few rehearsals due to ‘band commitments’ (pig), was having to understudy for Romeo, which Myf and Roobs also found hilarious because he still got muddled up and said Juliet’s lines. But I was loyal to and didn’t laugh – and I did actually think his acting was quite handsome good.
And NONE of us laughed or fell asleep when Sonja Perkins was on playing the Nurse. We didn’t want to be challenged to an arm wrestle. Myf still couldn’t raise her arm higher than her shoulder from holding her off for twenty minutes.
–11–
Dog’s Got Talent
When I got home I decided to make myself five pieces of toast because no one seemed to be around to tell me not to. Suddenly, I heard a weird noise and then Fatty going mad upstairs – which meant there was almost definitely an intruder. So I went to investigate with Jay’s baseball bat.
As I walked into their bedroom, Mum and Julian were sitting on the bed ‘singing’!
Finally she admits it! After years of me singing in front of her and waiting for a compliment.
Sue ’n’ Julian soon got two new members for their band and there wasn’t a lot they could do about it.
Julian has been learning the violin for six years and hasn’t got any better. Mum usually makes him go to the shed (my shed and the headquarters of The Faithful Club) when he gets the urge to make a horrific screeching noise.
But he does have one major fan – Cat. Cat has a THING for Julian’s violin ‘music’. She leaps on to his shoulder and crawls along his arm, whereupon she languishes in ecstasy, occasionally letting out a yowl (which could possibly, if you were tone deaf, be said to be in harmony).
Fatty always liked to sing along when I played the recorder . . .
And Mum’s screechy folk voice seems to get him going in the same way.
So NOW their band has become ‘Sue, Julian, Cat ’n’ Fats’s Folk Combo’. Mum seems to think that the novelty element of having animals in their act might help them . She keeps going on about that dog who won Britain’s Got Dogs. Not DOGS, I tell her. ‘TALENT’. It has to be someone TALENTED – if it is a dog.
Fatty at me quite aggressively.
‘Yes, OK, you’ve got a modicum of talent,’ I told Fatty, ‘but just not ENOUGH – any of you!’
I was so about Mum, Julian, Cat ’n’ Fats’s Folk Combo entering Boxford’s Got Talent that I actually went off and read the Terms and Conditions of the competition that no one EVER reads. They just tick the box that says they’ve read it without any feeling of guilt.
Well, I read it!! It took me two hours and a large magnifying glass to wade through it. I think I should win a prize – say, ‘Best Solo Artist Who Has Read the Terms and Conditions’ – just for reading it.
Sadly, there is absolutely NOTHING in there about age limits or animals. So animals, old people and even old animals can enter!!! It’s OUTRAGEOUS!!
–12–
Back-stabbing Singers
The next rehearsal for Romeo and Juliet was the first one Sandy was able to come to. Myf, Roobs and I were just setting out the refreshments when he turned up. He looked like he was coming over to say hello but then Cicily approached with a clipboard.
She was immersing herself in the part, which meant wearing Elizabethan clothes outside school (except for Sandy’s scarf which was tied tightly round her scrawny neck), staying in character until the opening of the play . . . and obsessing about Sandy Romeo. Annoyingly, Sandy still seemed to be wearing Cicily’s scarf, but as I was only looking out of the corner of my I couldn’t see whether he still had mine on underneath.
During their scenes together, I noticed that Sandy and Cicily seemed to be getting on quite well. They kept , and at one point even started singing Rhianna’s ‘Romeo and Juliet’. Cicily was TOTALLY flat and tuneless. A bit like a young female fog horn.
However, Mrs Lilac, who had rose-tinted ears as well as glasses said
‘Do you know,’ she continued, ‘I have an idea! Why don’t we incorporate that song into the play? Update things a little. You could give it an Elizabethan flavour! Can you by any chance play the lute, Sandy darling?’
‘Not at all,’ Sandy said, looking nervous.
Myf’s crush, Benji Butler, and the other members of were hanging about at the back of the hall because they had a band rehearsal afterwards and they out at this.
Then at break time, while we were serving up squash and biscuits, I overheard Sandy and Cicily talking as they stood in the queue:
‘We musteth stay entwined as mucheth as the gods alloweth, forsooth our love will seemeth real for the performance, Romeo,’ Cicily said, hanging on to Sandy’s arm.
‘Er, righto,’ Sandy said.
Then Benji came over, smirking.
Myf shouted from the refreshments table.
‘Thank you, kind sir!’ Cicily chirrupe
d, ‘Wouldst thou alloweth me to joineth your travelling minstrels troupe to maketh song behindeth thou?’
‘What?’ Benji .
‘I feelest thou needest more oomph in thine song.’
‘Eh?’
‘CAN MY FRIEND POLLY AND I BE BACKING SINGERS FOR sO.M.G.!??’ she shouted.
‘Er . . . well – I . . . suppose,’ Benji blustered.
‘Forsooth I sing like the lark with joy!!’ Cicily cooed, before turning round and yelling to Polly at the back of the queue,
Polly Pearson was playing second maid to Cicily/Juliet, which was kind of how their friendship worked in real life.
Myf nudged me. ‘Did you hear that? Benji’s letting Cicily be a backing singer in sO.M.G.!’
‘Oh for Gawd’s sake,’ I muttered, ‘we could have been backing singers for sO.M.G.!’
‘But we can’t sing,’ Roobs reminded me.
‘So?! Neither can they!’
Then we heard Benji saying: ‘We should have three backing singers really,’ and then to Sonja, ‘Hey, Son, how about you do backing vocals for us too?’