by Louise Bay
She looked up at me, her hands on my chest. “Are you serious? This is going to be so much fun. Rome.”
Before Autumn, I wouldn’t have considered going to Rome. I certainly would never have considered putting fun on the agenda. But now? I would enjoy eating pasta and drinking good red wine in an Italian restaurant. I was thinking about something in my life other than Bethany and work. I was looking forward to something. I wanted to share something with another person, purely for the sake of having her by my side. Autumn was shifting everything—what I ate, what time I came home from work and now, what I was looking forward to.
“We need to pack and—” Her smile fell. “What should I tell Hollie? I can’t exactly say we’re going away together.”
Seeing her so concerned about what her sister would say took the sheen off my pleasure. I still didn’t know what was happening between us, so I wasn’t encouraging her to tell her sister. But the thought that she had to hide something from someone she was so close to didn’t sit well with me. “I’m going for work, Autumn. You’re coming to look after Bethany so I’m not away from her for a week.”
She nodded. “Yes, that’s right. That is what’s really happening.” She grinned up at me. “And anyway, she should be pleased. She wants me to travel and I guess I can cross Rome off my list now.”
“Your list?” I’d make the week really special. I’d organize a room with a spectacular view and get her a guide to show her around while I was at work. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been away. And there was no one I’d rather go away with than my daughter and Autumn.
“I was just looking at it, actually,” she said, pulling away and turning to the kitchen table where a notebook lay open, the pages full of scribbles. “There’s just so many places to go. A month isn’t enough time to see and do everything.”
A month? What was she talking about? We’d be in Rome a week. She slid onto the bench. “Maybe I’ll start a new notebook for our trip to Rome rather than use this one.”
“So what are you planning in this one?” I said, sliding in next to her.
“Oh just where I’m going in August.”
It was as if someone had handed me a cannonball and pushed me into the ocean.
She was planning life after me.
“Hollie’s getting stressed about a wedding date and wants me to tell her what my plans are, but I haven’t really thought about it. Is that bad?”
It shouldn’t have been, but it was a relief that at least she’d not been counting down the days until she’d be leaving me—leaving us. I hadn’t been as happy as I was at the moment for a long time. Since Penelope. Before that even.
The year before Penelope had abandoned us, life had completely changed for the better because Bethany had been born. I’d felt soaring pride at being a father but also a pressure that it was my responsibility to give my daughter the kind of childhood I would have wanted—one free of anxiety and worry. One that was all about giggles and laughter and being a kid. I didn’t want Bethany to ever have to hear her father berating her mother or hear her mother crying for what seemed like days. I knew what bad was, so I knew how to create perfect for Bethany. When Penelope left, I’d been almost overwhelmed by guilt for not being able to sustain my vision of a perfect family for Bethany. It had eased slightly when it was clear Penelope wasn’t coming back, but Autumn arriving seemed to bring back the hope into our lives. She made everything more manageable somehow. She made every obstacle feel surmountable. She was like some kind of joy fairy that came in and made everything better. There was more laughter in the house. More fun.
I didn’t like the idea that at some point she’d take her magic wand and move on. But that had always been the deal. I’d always known that was going to be the case. And it was the right thing for her and for us. She was young. She’d never travelled before. She should go out and find her place in the world. And I wasn’t ever going to make promises to another woman. That ship had sailed. Our parting was inevitable.
“I can help you,” I said, shuffling closer to her. “If you want me to. I can tell you where I’ve been and what I liked. And what to avoid. Like the Mona Lisa—get there early, see it, and then get out. Go and see the other Da Vincis in the same gallery, which are just as spectacular, but everyone wanders past them looking for the Mona Lisa.”
“That’s a really good tip,” she said, scribbling away.
“And in Barcelona, make sure you just spend a day wandering in Gaudi’s park. It’s so beautiful; you won’t want to rush it. And in Venice, make sure your hotel is just off St. Mark’s Square—you want to be part of the hustle and bustle of the place.”
She’d stopped writing. “You’re like the best tour guide ever.” The light in her eyes dimmed slightly. “It’s a shame I can’t take you with me.”
I nodded, trying my best to make my smile spread to my eyes. “You’ll have the best time.”
She turned back to her notebook, nodding. “Yes. It will be great.”
Until she left, I’d hold on tight to her, and try to bring her some of the joy she’d brought me and Bethany. Even if Autumn’s joy meant the end of mine.
Sixteen
Gabriel
I’d always enjoyed dinners at Hollie and Dexter’s place. It was like being with family—or how families were in my imagination. Food. Wine. Good conversation. But tonight, I’d rather be anywhere else. That wasn’t quite true. I’d rather be at home with Autumn. Just the two of us. The fact that she’d be at dinner tonight only made things worse. The bubble the two of us had existed in up until now had disintegrated, and I was being forced to think about all the reasons why I shouldn’t be with Autumn.
I paid the cab and headed to Hollie and Dexter’s front door, pausing before I knocked. I hated that I was lying to my friends. I’d done exactly what Dexter had warned me not to—slept with Autumn. And worse, I couldn’t stop. Even worse than that, I didn’t want to. Tonight, being with Autumn seemed so much more complicated that it usually did. Autumn and me, together, was so right. So simple. I didn’t want to think about any reason why that wouldn’t continue to be true.
She made me happy.
And I had forgotten what that felt like.
Not that I would have considered myself unhappy before she arrived. I loved Bethany. We had fun together. I enjoyed working in the workshop. But the dull cloud of grief that had been hanging over me ever since Penelope left had lifted.
Life was good. And I wasn’t ready to give it up. I wasn’t ready to give Autumn up. Not yet. But being here tonight was bringing me face-to-face with the reality that I might have to.
I was pulled from my thoughts by Dexter and Hollie’s front door swinging open.
“What are you doing out here?” Hollie said. “I saw you skulking from the window.”
“Sorry,” I replied. “Just finishing off a few messages.” The lies had started already. “Am I late?”
“You’re always late,” she replied. “Come in and get warm. Thanks for letting Autumn get a sitter.”
“No problem,” I replied. “Sorry, I didn’t bring anything. I meant to stop and buy—”
“Gabriel, don’t even think about it. Having you here is all we want.”
I’d liked Hollie since the first time I’d met her. Dexter had been an idiot, obviously, and nearly let her slip through his fingers, but he’d figured it out in the end. It was obvious to anyone who saw them together that they simply adored each other. I’d never asked but sometimes I wondered if anyone had suspected all wasn’t well with my marriage. Had outsiders seen something I hadn’t? I tortured myself enough without knowing the answer to that question.
Everyone chorused hello from where they were already seated around Dexter and Hollie’s dining table. I swept my gaze across the room as I waved, trying not to catch Autumn’s eye, nodding at Tristan, Beck, and Joshua. “Hey, Stella,” I said, seeing Beck’s wife and going to give her a brief kiss on the cheek. If Autumn hadn’t been working for me—if
we hadn’t been living together—I probably would have greeted her the same way. Tonight, I’d have to avoid all contact in case someone saw a lingering or too-familiar touch that would give us away. I needed to stay out of her way. I had to remind myself that I couldn’t just reach for her. Couldn’t just slide my hand around her waist. Couldn’t just smooth my thumb over her cheekbone and kiss her.
“You made it before the food came out, Gabriel. Are you slacking at work?” Joshua asked.
“Just because I have a responsible job and don’t fuck around being creative all day . . . Whatever that means.” I took an empty seat opposite Joshua who was sitting next to Autumn.
She smiled and I smiled back. Did she know how much I wanted to kiss her right then?
“I don’t draw chalk pictures on Trafalgar square, Gabriel.” Joshua turned to Autumn and rolled his eyes. “Did you forget I’m the CEO of the international marketing agency that I founded?”
“You never let us forget.” It was a cheap shot, but if I hadn’t thought he was trying to impress Autumn with his money and power, I wouldn’t have said it. Joshua didn’t brag. It wasn’t him.
“Wow. Mr. Sunshine has arrived. Mike Green infected your mood again?” he asked. “You need to sack him as a client. I keep telling you.”
“Let’s not talk about my work. Not when we’ve got food to eat,” I said, turning as Dexter approached the table carrying a board full of chateaubriand.
“This is why we come here so often,” Tristan said.
“Don’t forget the wine,” Dexter said.
“It’s the reason I’m marrying him,” Hollie said, bringing in pots of vegetables. Friday night was a guaranteed feast in this house.
“Can we help?” I asked.
Dexter chuckled and a wave of laughter followed him as if everyone was having a joke at my expense. “Everyone pitched in before you arrived, Gabriel.”
“We know it’s why you’re late. You just want to get out of chores,” Tristan said. “I bet he doesn’t lift a finger at home, does he, Autumn?”
All eyes turned to my housemate. Bethany’s nanny. My lover.
“Of course he does,” she said. “He can’t do things if he’s not physically there, though.”
“And that’s my theory proved,” Tristan said. “He avoids places if there are chores to do.”
I wasn’t about to argue over something so petty. I glanced over at Autumn, who seemed to be avoiding looking at anything in particular. God, she looked beautiful—warm and relaxed. I just wanted the world to melt away until only the two of us remained. It was so much easier that way. She was wearing a necklace I hadn’t seen before. Perhaps it was one of Hollie’s designs. It rested delicately on her collarbone. I longed to trace it with my tongue.
Later.
“What’s he like as a boss?” Joshua asked. “Bad tempered and so serious?”
“Oh, he’s not so bad,” she replied, scooping broccoli from the dish. “And Bethany makes up for anything negative.”
I laughed. “Thank God for Bethany.”
“She’s the best.”
“She still go to bed with Bear Bear?” Joshua asked.
“Sure does,” Autumn replied. “Wouldn’t be without him.”
“Grotty little thing,” I added.
“He’s not grotty, Gabriel,” Autumn said. “He’s just well-loved.” She said it in that same even-tempered, patient way she had with Bethany. But it worked. She was always utterly convincing.
Finally, Dexter and Hollie sat, and Beck filled my wine glass with a red that was bound to be good. Dexter had an incredible collection.
“So, Autumn, how are you finding the men in London?” Stella asked.
My throat constricted and the wine I’d just swallowed stuck in my gullet. I tried to choke as quietly as I could.
“You don’t like that Barolo?” Dexter asked. “I can get you something else.”
I managed to swallow. “It’s good. Just . . . fruitier than I was expecting.”
Dexter frowned but didn’t say anything.
“I haven’t started husband shopping quite yet,” Autumn replied with a grin.
“I know a few single guys,” Stella said. “What’s your type?”
Oh, this was going to be interesting.
“I don’t have one really,” she replied.
“Not blond, six one, owns an ad agency?” Joshua asked and Autumn laughed.
I gritted my teeth and pretended I didn’t want to grab him across the table and tell him to leave her alone.
“That’s not true,” Hollie interrupted with a sigh. “She likes losers.”
I felt the corners of my mouth twitch.
“No one would be good enough as far as my sister’s concerned,” Autumn replied.
“Well, your sister loves me,” Joshua said.
“So you think,” Autumn said, gifting him one of her big, bright grins.
“Do I have to ask Hollie’s permission to take you out to dinner?” Joshua asked.
I stared into my wine glass and tried to fix my expression in case anyone saw the rage inside me. Joshua could not take her out to dinner. I hadn’t even done that. There was no way I would allow it. I didn’t want her coming back, giddy from an evening with him. And what if he tried to kiss her?
“Joshua!” Dexter warned as he stood. “Drop it. And, Gabriel, can you help me with something?”
I snapped my head around. There was no way I wanted to leave the table while Joshua was on the prowl. He might come across as a nice guy, but I knew his history with women. And if Hollie knew what I did, there was no way she’d allow it.
Dexter nodded toward the doorway and reluctantly, I took my napkin from my lap and stood. Why the fuck wasn’t he pulling Joshua to one side and having a word with him, rather than having me help him with God-knew-what?
I followed him out into the hallway. “I want to pick out a bottle you’d prefer to the Barolo,” he said, leading me into a wine room with a glass door and low lighting. “Let’s pick something.”
“Can’t this wait,” I snapped. “Everyone’s eating.”
Dexter didn’t say anything, so I gave in and stalked into the room. He closed the door behind.
“I don’t care,” I said. “This one.” I pulled something off the shelf without even looking at it. “Can I go back to my steak now?”
“What’s going on, Gabriel?”
“I’m hungry. That’s what’s going on.”
“I mean with Autumn.”
My stomach sank through the concrete floor. Shit. Was it that obvious?
“What are you talking about?” I hadn’t rehearsed what I would say if I was confronted. Autumn and I hadn’t discussed it.
Dexter took a deep breath. “I’ve known you a long time. You’ve been the dad of the group even before you were an actual dad. Steam was practically coming out of your ears when Joshua was flirting with her.”
I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t quite sure what he was saying. I just nodded, trying to say nothing at all.
“Look, I can tell you there’s no way Joshua’s taking her out. You don’t need to worry there. And I get that you’re protective. She’s your employee. You don’t want her bringing Joshua back to the house and them doing . . . anything.”
The idea was like curdled milk in my stomach. Autumn with anyone else was completely unthinkable.
“She’s not going to be disrespectful. I know she cares about Bethany a lot.”
“I know,” I said, still wondering if he’d figured out there was something between Autumn and me.
“You don’t need to worry about her,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. “Anyway, Hollie said that guys flock to her. It’s only a matter of time before she’s dating someone who isn’t Joshua.”
“Right,” I replied.
“And that you can’t really do anything about. Remember she’s only here until the end of July. And then she’s gone.”
I nodded. He didn’t seem
angry with me. And he wasn’t telling me to keep away from Autumn. He thought I was looking out for her out of concern for my employee. Which was true. In a sense.
“I’m just wound up about work, Dexter.”
“Look, mate, I know work is important. I respect that you don’t want to live off your dad’s money and you want to be a role model for Bethany, but it’s good to have other things going on as well. Now that the divorce is going through, you might want to take a woman out to dinner. I’m not saying you need to get serious with anyone, but I think it would be good for you to have some balance in your life.”
I nodded again. If only he knew that I’d taken his advice before he’d given it. I hated to lie to him and if Autumn was anyone but his soon-to-be sister-in-law and Bethany’s nanny, I knew he’d be cheering me on. But I couldn’t say anything. I’d not discussed it with Autumn and even if I had—what would I say? I’m banging Autumn? I’m having some short-term, non-complicated sex with your sister-in-law? He’d accuse me of using her to get over my divorce. Even if that was partly true, I liked Autumn. Cared about her. Enjoyed her company and her outlook on life.
“Can I let Hollie set you up with someone?” he asked.
“If you promise that we can go back to the table now, I promise to consider it. How about that?”
“Okay. I can live with that. For now.”
I’d consider being set up. And I’d say no. I didn’t want anyone but Autumn or anything but what we already had.
Seventeen
Autumn
I almost couldn’t breathe, the view was so spectacular. Gabriel had us in the penthouse suite, enjoying what must have been the best view in Italy. We could see for miles from up here. I took in the domed churches and higgledy-piggledy buildings from the doorway of the balcony, Bethany on my hip. “That must be St. Peter’s,” I said, pointing to the large grey dome. “I just can’t believe I’m here with you guys.”
“I can’t believe it’s bloody raining,” Gabriel mumbled from behind me.