by Louise Bay
“I don’t want to see her. Can’t you just get a number? Find out how much she wants.”
“I’ve tried that,” Gillian said. “She’s assured me she doesn’t want money.”
Irritation prickled at the back of my neck. She might be saying that. But she’d also said ‘til death do us part. And that she loved Bethany. And me. I’d never believe another word that came out of her mouth.
“Right. And I don’t want to see her. I’m not interested.”
“Gabriel, I understand how you feel but we need to find out what she wants. We’re in touching distance of getting this divorce, and if that’s something you want to pursue, you should probably just agree to a meeting.”
I wondered if this was how my clients felt when I advised them to do something they didn’t want to do. The difference was this was personal. Not business. I didn’t want to sit in the same room as the woman who’d left our baby. Who’d left me. Who’d broken every promise she’d ever made.
“A meeting about what?”
“Maybe she wants to explain. She did leave in rather a rush.”
I wasn’t sure it had been a rush. She’d taken every single item of clothing she owned. And over the months after she’d left, when I’d come out of the initial fog of grief at losing my wife, I’d realized there was nothing in our home that had been hers before we’d married. Her graduation photos. The pictures of her and her sister. Even the chair that had been her grandmother’s had mysteriously disappeared. She hadn’t just taken off on impulse. She’d planned it. Every time I thought about it, it was like her leaving for the first time, and a fresh wave of anger engulfed me. She hadn’t wanted to talk then. She hadn’t wanted to discuss anything as she was removing every trace of her life from our house. She’d done that in complete secret.
“Maybe you’ll find out why she left,” Gillian said.
“I don’t care why she left.” Of course, I’d tortured myself in the aftermath. How had I driven away my daughter’s mother? Why hadn’t she come to me? What had I missed? And then answers started to drip through. Alternatives that came to me in the middle of the night.
She’d met someone else.
She’d been having an affair all along.
She’d only been after my money.
She didn’t like being a mother.
But none of the answers mattered because there was one thing I knew for certain—she’d lied to me. She’d lied when she’d said she loved me. She’d lied when she’d said she loved my daughter.
“If you don’t want answers, then think practically,” Gillian said. “What we want to avoid is her turning up on your doorstep out of the blue.”
The thought crawled over my skin like a cockroach.
“This way you get to control the situation. You’ll know exactly where you’re going to see her, when, and for how long.”
She had a point. If she was determined to speak to me, she’d find a way. She knew where I worked. Where I lived. And if she came to the house and Bethany was there, with Autumn . . .
“Okay, I’ll meet her. But I want it to happen soon. Your offices.”
“Her solicitor suggested the two of you could have lunch.”
Her solicitor could fuck right off. Lunch was never going to happen. “If she wants a meeting, tell her it will be at your offices Monday at four. I’m not negotiating on this.”
“Very well. I’ll go back and see what they say.”
“Tell them it’s a binary choice. Meeting at your offices or no meeting.”
I shut off the call and headed back to the office. I had a job to do. A daughter to provide for. I wasn’t going to waste time thinking about my past. I was going to focus on my future.
Twenty-Five
Autumn
Hollie and I sat at a table that looked like something out of a magazine—glinting flatware, cream orchid head in a tiny vase, and a crisp white linen tablecloth. I bet burgers weren’t on the menu here. We were by the window and could see the Thames peeking through the bright green leaves of the trees. Even now I was constantly surprised at the amount of green in London—far more than I’d been expecting. I was forever stumbling on a square or a park I’d never heard of and no one had ever mentioned, and I loved to explore.
“How did you talk Dexter into bringing me here today? Doesn’t he want to taste all the food for the wedding?” I asked as I glanced around, trying to take everything in from the deep pile carpets to the ornate gold and frosted glass light fixtures over the bar.
“I guess he’s used to this kind of thing. Going to lunch at the Savoy is no big deal to him.”
I could have lunch at the Savoy every day for the rest of my life and I still wouldn’t get used to it. “But it’s his wedding.”
I was pretty sure I’d be able to be a wedding organizer by the time Hollie and Dexter were married. I’d been happy to discuss every detail with Hollie and support her in her choices so she didn’t feel guilty or awkward. The money, the glamour, and the people she now mixed with changed the rules for her, and I knew it still made her a little uncomfortable. Even I found it intimidating at times and I wasn’t living with it every day. But, as always, if we did things together, nothing was unsurmountable.
The waitress poured two glasses of champagne and Hollie and I clinked as if champagne at lunchtime was just one of those things that the Lumen sisters did.
“He saw the menu and said he liked the sound of everything. And he’s not coming back from Dubai until this afternoon.”
I took the cream card from the center of the table and scanned down the list of food. The bits I recognized sounded amazing. The more I ate at these kinds of restaurants, the more I realized that I liked most things. “I’m happy to be his stand-in. I feel like I’m enjoying Dexter’s lifestyle on his behalf, which is fine by me. Do you feel like you’re missing out doing this stuff with him?”
“Not really. He’s busy. I’m busy. The wedding is no big deal, or so I keep telling myself. If it makes you feel better, he’s figuring out the wine by himself and he came to a dress fitting last week.”
“He saw your dress?” I asked.
“He has a great eye for design, and I want him to like whatever I wear.” She shrugged. “You think that’s a problem? It’s only a small wedding. It’s not like we’re following all the traditions.”
“I think you should make your own traditions and it’s true, he has a great eye.”
“Also, he’s going to make some jewelry for me. He needed pictures so Primrose can design something.”
I laughed. “Wow. Bespoke jewelry. It might be a small wedding but it won’t be cheap.”
A waitress interrupted to put something involving shrimp in front of us. “This is the first of the three starters.”
“We’re eating every option?” I asked, wondering if I should have dug out something to wear that had an elasticized waist. I’m sure I’d like the food, but I didn’t need three of everything.
“Tasting it. You don’t have to finish every plate but we have to know what it’s like. How else would we choose?”
“If you say so.” I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resist finishing every plate.
“So, how goes the job hunt?” Hollie asked. “Anything I can do?”
I shook my head as I tried to ignore the swirl of dread in my gut. “I’ve applied for lots of different things. There aren’t many management training programs starting in September that still have vacancies, but there are a few. And then I’ve applied for some entry-level positions at banks and insurers. I have a couple of interviews next week.” I’d rather focus on the food than have the inevitable conversation hurtling toward me. I didn’t want to think about the future, all the buts and what-ifs. I took a forkful of the shrimp and as I suspected, it tasted heavenly.
“So, you’re definitely going to stay in London?” she asked, bringing me back down to reality.
I wanted to be here with Hollie but realistically, I wasn’t sure that was possible. I w
as going to try. For now I didn’t need to mention the jobs I’d applied for in Portland, New York, and Tampa. Hopefully, I’d find something here. “I’m not sure. If I don’t get something by the beginning of August, then nothing will happen until September. The new nanny starts in a month and—”
“So, you come to live with me and Dexter. I told you that I can use you as an assistant.”
I was grateful to Hollie but I didn’t want to be her assistant. I wanted my own thing. I wanted to be independent and not have my big sister look after me for the rest of my life. “I know but—”
“And when I say assistant, I mean business partner really. You could really help on the marketing side—you’re creative and clever and organized. I’d be lucky to have you.”
“I agree, you would be lucky,” I said, grinning at her. “But I’m way too expensive for you. And seriously, Hollie, I appreciate the offer, but I need to figure this out and get something on my own.”
She didn’t say it, but the question hung in the air like expensive perfume: What if you don’t find another job?
“But you’ll come live with us when the new nanny arrives? Just until you work it out?”
I nodded. It was that or go back to Oregon. “I’m travelling in August. I thought about cancelling my trip, but nobody is holding interviews in August. It’s now or September. And I have the money saved up . . . I won’t spend all of it.” Six months of being paid as a London nanny with no living expenses had been good for my savings, but the idea of spending so much when I didn’t have a job to come back to pinched at me. There was a part of me that wondered if I should just get another nanny job. Just until I found something more permanent. I really didn’t want to go back to Oregon. I didn’t want to leave Hollie. And Gabriel. And Bethany.
Gabriel and I hadn’t talked about what happened next. And although I knew the things he whispered into my ear when we lay naked, breathless with our limbs tangled together—knew the way he looked at me when we played Monopoly or cooked or I made him watch musicals—I just didn’t know how things would work when the new nanny arrived. When I moved out. I should ask him. But it seemed pointless until I knew something more about my future—at the very least, what continent I’d be living on.
“You’ve wanted to go for so long, Autumn. You should definitely still go and see the rest of Europe.”
“You never know, I might get one of the jobs I’m interviewing for next week.”
Hollie nodded enthusiastically. “You’re sure to. You went to a great college and I bet you give a great interview.”
“Anyway,” I said, wanting to change topic. “You think Mom and Dad will cope with all this?” I said, scanning the well-heeled diners and ever-attentive wait staff.
“They’ll figure it out. They don’t pay rent since Dexter bought the trailer park, so they’re used to having a bit more cash and . . . I’ve had Mom send me their measurements. They’ve picked out outfits online that I’m having made for them.”
I laughed out of shock. “They’re going to have bespoke clothes?”
“Honestly, it’s a bit of an excuse. If I organize their outfits, I know they’ll actually have something to wear and not turn around the night before and realize they need to go shopping.”
“You’ve thought of everything.”
“Apart from you. What are you wearing?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re not buying me something.”
She winced, wrinkling up her nose. “I know you’re going to think I’m controlling and that’s true. But I saw this, and I just loved it and so I went ahead and bought it.” She pulled out one of those fancy cardboard bags with Alexander McQueen emblazoned across the front in a font that just screamed expensive.
“Are you serious?” I asked, half mad at her and half super-excited to see what was inside.
“Wait until you see it. It’s so good.” She swiped on her phone. “I took a screenshot from the website. Look, see.”
I took in the picture of a white, ruched bustier with black pants. She knew me too well. It was far too amazing to say no to. It was the kind of elegantly chic thing I’d see in magazines and wonder what kind of woman I’d feel like if I wore an outfit like that.
“It’s a jumpsuit even though it looks like a top, and that sweetheart neckline is going to look amazing on you.”
“It’s gorgeous,” I agreed, feeling a little conflicted. “But I’ve come to London to be independent. I don’t need you to buy me—” The fact was I was in a very different position now than when I’d landed here. I no longer had a job to look forward to.
“I know you can stand on your own two feet now, but I’m still your sister. And since I’m not having bridesmaids, I think it’s only fair that you let me buy your outfit. If you don’t like this one, then something else, your choice.”
“You’re insane,” I said, holding the bag to my chest as if she was going to grab it from me. “As if I’d let you take this back now. It’s mine.”
She grinned, happy for me and happy she’d gotten her way. “It should fit. Let me know if it doesn’t.”
The waitress came and delivered the next starter, which seemed to be the vegetarian option. It tasted divine whether it was cabbage or cardboard.
“You’re too good to me,” I said. “But that’s been true forever.”
“You’re just as good back to me. It’s so amazing to have you in London. I still can’t believe we’re both here.”
“I can’t believe how much I like it here. Oregon is familiar but it doesn’t feel like home anymore.” I wasn’t sure that London felt like home either, but it was getting that way. Having Hollie here helped. And Gabriel.
She nodded her head as if she knew exactly what I was saying. “How is Gabriel doing?”
“He’s good. Busy at work but no change there. The guy is a workaholic. But he’s so kind and easy to talk to and you’ve seen him with Bethany. He’s taking her to paint pottery today; can you believe it? He’s such a good dad.”
“Not to mention hot. How’s he coping with the divorce and everything? I can’t believe that wife of his wants to talk to him after all these years.”
I paused, a forkful of who-knows-what suspended mid-air while I repeated what she’d said in my head to make sure I hadn’t heard her wrong. “His wife what?” I asked, just to be sure.
Hollie’s eyes widened as she realized I didn’t know what she was talking about. I tried to keep my breathing steady despite my tightening jaw and the uptick in my pulse. “I thought he would have told you.”
That makes two of us. “What’s going on, Hollie?” There was no way she was going to clam up now.
“Maybe I have it wrong, but I think Gabriel told Dexter that his ex-wife wanted a meeting before she agreed to a divorce.”
My stomach roiled. I put down my fork and leaned back as if to get as far away from what she was saying as possible. “He hasn’t told me that.” I tried to file through the reasons why he wouldn’t have said anything to me.
It was no big deal and he’d forgotten.
He’d told her he wouldn’t meet her.
He didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want me to know. He didn’t want me to know.
“I’m sure he’ll tell you. He’s probably just trying to process it.”
I nodded, trying to swallow down the sharp pangs of insecurity that stuck in my throat. This couldn’t be as bad as it seemed. I just wouldn’t allow it to be. “It’s probably because it’s no big deal. Or he’s said he won’t meet her.”
She sighed. “I think he’s agreed to meet her. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s just to sign the papers. Or maybe she wants to explain herself or something.”
I focused on keeping my breath steady. This was a private thing between Gabriel and his wife. It was okay that he’d not told me he was meeting her. “It’s very personal,” I said, trying to convince myself this was fine—I was fine. “And nothing to do with me if you think about it.”
“I’m not s
ure about that,” Hollie said. “I mean, you’re a couple now, aren’t you?”
It felt like we were a couple, but no words had been exchanged. I knew he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. Not only because we shared the same home but because of the way he touched me, the way he looked at me. But we didn’t wake up in the same bed. We weren’t together in front of Bethany. Perhaps he wasn’t part of a couple in his mind.
“He certainly cares about you,” Hollie said, trying to be reassuring. “There’s no way he would have risked upsetting Dexter if he didn’t.”
That was true. I knew how much Gabriel cared about his friends. And I was certain he cared about me. I knew he did. I just didn’t know what that meant. The strength of our bond hadn’t been tested and I had no idea whether it would last an argument about pineapple on pizza, let alone the stress of a divorce or a wife who might want him back. I knew what I felt for him was nothing I’d felt for anyone. But even I didn’t know what that meant for Gabriel or for our future as a couple.
“I think he just wants to get it over with,” Hollie said. “The meeting, that is.”
“He hasn’t seen her since she left.” Perhaps when they met, she’d realize she was still madly in love with him and want him back. I swallowed, trying to keep my breathing steady. “What if she wants him back?”
“I’m sure it won’t come to that,” Hollie said. “She caused way too much damage.”
Was it damage that could be repaired? They were still married after all. She’d been Gabriel’s family not so long ago and she was still Bethany’s mother. It would be naïve to think that wasn’t a strong bond. Perhaps it was a bond that was bent but not broken.
“I guess this is good in a way,” I said, pulling back my shoulders. “He’ll get the closure he needs or—” I didn’t want to think about the alternative.
I wasn’t ready to give him up. I’d never be ready to give him up. Gabriel was the best man I’d ever known. But if I understood that, then maybe his wife had come to her senses and realized that too.