“My name’s Colton,” he whispered. “Do you have a name?” He asked with a soothing voice.
I nodded.
He paused, allowing me time to say it on my own. I looked up, meeting his gaze.
“K-Khloe,” I stuttered.
“Hi, Khlo.” He smiled.
No one ever called me that. I was only used to be called by my full name, not a shortened version. But he made my name sound pretty.
“How old are you?” I asked after a silence moment.
“Almost thirteen. You?”
“Just turned ten.”
He put his hand into his pocket, pulling out something. “Do you want some?”
I looked in his hands, sour patch kids.
“Sure.”
He handed me some. “Are you okay?” he asked after a moment.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know the answer to his question. I wanted to be okay, I wanted to tell him I was fine, but that would be a lie and I wasn’t a liar.
Instead, we sat under the tree in a comfortable silence, eating sour patch kids as the day quickly turned into night. Once the stars came out, Colton moved from under the tree and laid down in the grass, looking up.
“You know, when life gets tough, I just lay out in my backyard, looking at the stars, trying to imagine how it feels to shine so brightly in a dull, black place. Stars are pretty cool if you think about it.”
I looked up at all the white dots in the sky. I scooted out from under the tree, taking a spot beside him. I locked my hands together over my stomach.
“It’s relaxing. It’s where you can think and nobody can judge you.”
I turned my head, looking at him. He was so cute, I thought as I giggled.
He turned his head, a beautiful smile across his face. “What?”
I shook my head as I began looking at the stars above. “I think it would be prettier from my roof. We can be closer to the stars,” I whispered.
He didn’t respond. He didn’t have to.
I’d never had a friend like him. I felt like he understood me. I didn’t have to tell him anything, but his presence was enough to hold my shattered pieces together.
He would always be enough.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS after the shooting, the police found the two men who were responsible. I had to go in and identify them which was really hard. The whole time I was standing behind the one way glass with Colton’s arm around my waist hugging me close, the only thing I could think about was that night. I replayed it over and over again, watching their faces as they not only took my sanity from me but my precious baby too.
Prison was too easy for them. They deserved to be hung, or electrocuted for what they took from me.
After I’d identified the men, I spent the rest of the day crying in my room. The therapy sessions were starting to help, but being there, seeing the men who did this to me, brought everything back up.
It took some more time, but eventually, I was able to go back to work. I was able to survive with this black hole in my soul.
Seven months had passed since that terrible day. Winter came and for some time my mood matched the cold weather outside. I moved in with Colton but still felt the same way towards marriage. I just wasn’t ready. The doctor confirmed our greatest fears two months after my break down. Due to the placement of the gunshot wound and the fact that I’d now had two miscarriages, my chances at getting pregnant were very slim. He said if I did get pregnant I’d have to be closely monitored, and even then he wasn’t confident I’d be able to carry full term.
Colton thought that even the chance of being able to get pregnant, even though it was slim, was good news. I quickly shot down the idea, explaining even the thought of losing another child was something I could not mentally handled. He understood and never brought up the topic again.
I never saw the little blue Tiffany’s box again, and a part of me was happy about that as we fell into a routine. We’d get ready together, then enjoy a cup of coffee before we’d leave for work. Once we were home, he’d help me cook dinner and clean up, then we’d talk to each other about our day as we watched a little TV, then went to bed.
We hadn’t had sex since I miscarried and never once did Colton complain or pressure me. I just wasn’t ready for any of it. I didn’t even want to chance having a child.
Now it was the beginning of spring and even though the colors were becoming vibrant and things are blooming, I was still dull and dying inside. I may not have physically died that day I got shot, but a part of my soul had.
Colton: Please be home by 4:30. Love you
I skipped lunch and looked at the clock. It was already four, so I gathered my stuff, put everything away and closed everything out on my computer. I grabbed my purse and walked towards the front door.
“I’m leaving, Marie.”
“Have a good night, Khloe.”
“You too.” I smiled as I walked out of the door.
When I arrived home, I was surprised to see a red Tahoe in the driveway. The front door was unlocked, and Colton was waiting for me.
“Hey, babe. I saw you pull up on the security camera.” He leaned in and kissed me.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“Follow me.” He shut the door and led me towards the living room.
When we entered there was a couple sitting on the couch. The woman looked tired, as did the man next to her. I sat down and Colton sat next to me.
“What’s going on?”
“Khloe, my name is Amy, and this is my husband Drew. Colton contacted us through the miscarriage support group.”
I’d quit group because it was too much to handle. Too much to accept. Why was Colton shoving it in my face again?
“Babe, I just want you to listen to them. Listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. You don’t have to do anything but listen. That’s all I want from you.” He placed his hand over mine.
I let out a long exhale, hoping to convey my frustration, but I did as he asked.
“Colton asked us to come here because he wanted us to talk to you about what you’re going through. I’ve been there Khloe. Drew and I suffered a miscarriage at twenty-four weeks while we were dating. It was horrible.” She paused as Drew grabbed her hand. “It broke us. I remember wondering how anyone, especially a woman, could get over that?”
I nodded. I wanted her to answer that question. Answer all the questions that had been going through my head since this happened.
“The truth is, like they told you in group, you will never get over it. You will never move on. Instead, you learn to live with the pain. Time doesn’t heal your wound, but it makes it easier. We got married two years after our miscarriage. The doctors were confident that we would be able to carry again, and we got pregnant four months after out honeymoon. We were extremely happy when we found out we were pregnant.”
She looked at Drew and then back at me. I could see the tears start to form in her eyes. “When we found out we were having a girl, we were over the moon. I was starting to heal, I was starting to believe again. I went in for my thirty-six week check up.” She wiped an eye. “No heartbeat is what they told me.”
My heart sank.
“I had to give birth to my daughter that was dead. I had to push a four pound, six ounce baby out of me and not once hear her cry.”
I hadn’t noticed I’d started to cry until a tear fell, landing on Colton’s hand. He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.
“The doctor and the therapist said we should hold her and love on her before they came to take her. They wrapped her in a blanket and put on a pink hat before handing her to us.” Amy paused, trying to calm her voice.
Drew rubbed her arm, trying to console her. “Her name was Serenity,” he told me. “She was beautiful, just like her mother.”
“We had to pick out a casket for her,” Amy continued. “It was so small. I was a wreck, like any mother would be. I thought about taking my life. I thought abo
ut divorcing Drew. I thought about running away and never coming back. I told Drew I never wanted anymore kids. But in the end, nothing I did or could ever do would take the pain away, and in some sense, the pain is a reminder that she was real. A reminder that the love I felt for her was something nobody or nothing can ever take away from me.”
She paused, wiping the remainder of the tears away. “We got pregnant again. I was monitored very closely, but I had no complications, and at thirty-nine weeks I gave birth to a very healthy, very loud baby girl.” She laughed.
“Brooke.” Drew smiled. “She looks more like me, but has her mother’s spitfire personality.”
We all laughed.
“How did you do it?” I asked.
“Faith. Love. Understanding. All these things that my wonderful husband gave me every single day. He never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. When I swore I couldn’t go another day, he picked me up.”
I smiled, looking at Colton. He had done the same. He still was.
“It took some time, of course. But one day, something in me just snapped and I finally picked myself back up, dusted off my knees, and kept walking. You can only stay down for so long, Khloe. You can’t stay down forever. You have to pick yourself back up.”
I looked down at Colton’s hand over mine. “I know,” I whispered. “It’s just hard.”
She leaned forward, putting her hand on my knee. I looked up at her. “It will never be easy. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. But if you want it bad enough, if you can’t live without it, you’ll figure it out.”
I smiled weakly. Maybe she was right.
“You have to fight for the things you want in life. I would be willing to walk through hell for my two children, and the two that are no longer with us. I did walk through hell for them. A love that a mother feels, whether her children are here on this Earth with her or not, is enough to move mountains. Don’t give up, Khloe. I know when you’re in the deepest, darkest hole you feel like there’s no way out, but I’m telling you, there is a way out. There is a way.”
I smiled. “You have two children?”
“We sure do.” She sat back, grabbing Drew’s hand again. “Two perfectly healthy, bratty kids who I’d give my life for. They are my treasure. It was a long, hard journey to get them, but I’d do it all over again.”
“It’s hard for everyone, Khloe,” Drew said. “And seeing what my wife went through, both times, was enough to tear me apart. The pain of loss is different for the man because we don’t carry the babies, but we are still the father, and the pain of that loss plus the loss of our wife, if only temporary, is enough to drive us mad. But at the end of the day, I love Amy, and want to spend the rest of my life loving her. Children are just a bonus.” He smiled.
“Well,” Amy said, standing up, “we better get going. Nutty children are with their nutty grandparents, and we both know that doesn’t mix well.” She and Drew laughed.
Colton and I stood together and walked them to the front door. Amy grabbed me, pulling me into a tight hug. I closed my eyes, savoring the embrace. Everything she’d said was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. Her words changed something in. Gave me hope.
She pulled me back, holding me at arm’s length. “Colton has my number. If you ever need to talk or just vent, you call me. Any time, any day. You are never alone.”
I smiled. “Thank you so much, Amy. Really.”
“You’re welcome. I just hope I helped.” She hugged me again.
“More than you know.”
We watched them walk out the door towards their Tahoe. Colton turned to me. “So?”
I gave him a long kiss followed by an even longer hug. “Thank you,” I whispered. “I think that’s exactly what I needed.”
“What changed?” he asked as we walked me to the kitchen.
“She gave me hope. She is someone who has gone through what I’ve gone through, even worse. I mean, having to give birth to a stillborn …”
He kissed my forehead before we set down at the table. “You were never alone, Khloe.”
“I know,” I whispered as he unpacked take out. He must have picked it up on the way home. He’d thought of everything.
“Are you hungry?” he asked, setting everything down.
“Now that you mention it, I’m starving.”
“There’s my girl.” He smiled as he handed me a fork.
Maybe I could do this.
“ARE YOU READY?” Colton asked as the airplane began taking off.
“Just ready to be there.” I yawned, trying to get comfortable in my airplane seat.
“Well, if you would’ve gone to sleep last night like I told you to instead of staying late at the office,” he joked, rubbing the inside of my thigh.
“Going on a week long vacation means making sure certain things are in order before I leave.” I smiled as I grabbed his wandering finger. “Can we at least wait until we land in New York?”
He pulled his hand back. “I guess I’ll have too.”
A short time later, our plane landed. It was summer now, and ever since my unexpected meeting with Amy and Drew things had been better. He hadn’t mentioned anything about marriage or a proposal and I hadn’t asked.
We grabbed our baggage and made our way to our hotel that overlooked Times Square. As soon as we got into our room, he was rushing me to drop off the luggage and go sightseeing with him. He was in a good mood, and I wasn’t going to spoil it by saying I was too tired. He grabbed my hand and quickly led me down to Times Square. We started looking around, admiring all the store fronts and huge LCD’s displaying different things.
We looked around like normal tourists. Everything was huge. I was so engrossed with everything around me that I hadn’t noticed Colton wasn’t beside me anymore. Panic rose as I quickly looked around, searching the huge crowd for him. “Marry You” by Bruno Mars started playing, loudly, and everyone around me started to dance.
Together.
Perfectly in synch with each other.
My hands flew up to my mouth as tears instantly popped into my eyes. I looked around and the screens were filled with images of me, one screen dedicated to the lyrics. The song ended and the crowd slowly parted. My knees grew weak and I felt my breath being sucked out of me.
This was really happening.
And then I saw him.
Colton.
His smile was ear to ear as he approached me. He went down on one knee in front of and the whole world stopped.
“Oh my god,” I whispered, my hands still covering my mouth as tears dropped from my eyes.
“Khloe Williams, I have loved you since the day I saw you under that tree. I have loved you since the moment I lay on your roof, looking at the stars with you. You are the only thing that has ever made sense in my life. I want to be your husband, your protector, your lover until the end of times. I want you to make me the luckiest man on this earth. I’ll always love you. Khloe, will you please marry me?” he asked as he opened the blue Tiffany’s box.
“Yes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes!” I cried. He took the ring out and placed it on my finger. I didn’t even look at it as he swept me off my feet into a hug, and the crowd erupted into a loud, defining cheer. He kissed me a hundred times before placing me back on my feet.
I looked around and everything was already back to normal in Times Square. Someone gave him the video recorder and walked off.
“So we can watch it later.” He smiled.
I laughed, wiping my tears. “Good, because I don’t even remember it.” I looked down at my hand. It was a cushion cut diamond with a halo of diamonds surrounding the main diamond in the middle. It had to be a carat or more. It was absolutely gorgeous.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s so beautiful. You did a great job, baby.”
He smiled, leaning down to kiss me. “I’m just happy you finally agreed to be mine.”
“Thank you for being so patient with me. You’re amazing.”
<
br /> “I love you,” he said, grabbing my hand. “It’s us against the world, remember?”
I smiled the biggest I have ever smiled. He was truly amazing. “I love you, too.” We began our walk back to the hotel.
We had some things to celebrate.
“GOOD MORNING.”
An uncontrollable smile spreads across my face. This was love. This was what true love feels like. With Colton, the colors were brighter, the seasons were more intense and everything was more passionate.
I turned over, letting the white silk sheet fall below my breasts. “Good morning,” I whispered.
He held my hand up in front of our faces. My ring was now accompanied by a beautiful band with diamonds all the way around it. It matched perfectly with my engagement ring.
“How did you sleep, Mrs. Gunner?”
I smiled. Our wedding was everything I could have dreamed of. It was way over the top, which I owed to June. She knew how to throw one hell of a party. My wedding dress was something out of a Vogue magazine: mermaid style with sleeves, the front and back dipping low. The gown flowed with a small train edged with lace. It was perfect.
When I’d walked down the aisle, my eyes connected with Colton’s and the whole world faded to black. At that moment, it was just me and him. Two becoming one.
I stretched. “As long as I’m sleeping next to you, it’ll always be good.” He rolls on top of me, kissing me, to devouring me.
I secretly hoped we’d never leave this bed.
I looked at the stick again. Was I looking at it right, I thought. I grabbed the other one in the box. Maybe the first one was wrong. I took the second test and set it down on the counter. I washed my hands and looked down, screaming as tears welled up in my eyes.
“Khlo! What’s going on?” Colton asked as he burst through the bathroom door. “Baby, talk to me.” His eyes were soothing, loving.
I finally caught my breath. “Babe,” I pointed to the counter.
He glanced toward the counter and then back at me. “What is it?” he asked, his eyes growing big.
I stood and grabbed his hand. “We’re pregnant.”
Under the Stars Page 10