“You would justify this?” She couldn’t believe it.
“I’m not justifying what the boys did. But headhunting, by Iban culture, is explainable historically. They were boys exploring their culture, their history. Malcolm was already dead. There’s a lot of different ways to look at this.”
“Or just one,” she said caustically. “A man died.”
“A man was already dead.”
“I can’t believe you would say that.”
“Rett.”
“Please, don’t call me that. I don’t think I can be that to you anymore.”
“Meaning?”
“There’s no point taking this any further. It would just be too painful.” Her gaze locked with his and saw something that might have been pain flit in his green eyes. It was hard to tell; her own eyes were swimming and she had to leave before what little control she had left failed her. “For both of us.” She walked away without looking back.
* * *
“He’s a good man,” Akan said that night as he leaned against the verandah railing. His weathered face was stern.
“I know that,” Garrett replied.
“You are a foolish woman.” He blew a slow smoke ring and seemed fixated on something in the distance. “He will speak to Chief Lieu, make it right so those boys can go on with their lives.”
Akan held up his hand, warding off any interruption. “I raised him from a thin, annoying little boy to who he is today. If he lied to you, he lied for a reason. He lied to protect his people and to find justice for a victim, for Malcolm. That is hardly a lie. That is a sign of good character. He is a good man.” He glanced away. “Better obviously than my natural son, Blue.” He frowned. “I am sorry. That is no longer a good comparison.” He blew another smoke ring as a bat flitted close by and then disappeared into the velvet night. “Aidan believes in justice and truth. I would trust him with my life.”
“You’re right,” Garrett replied, feeling small.
“He is also very adaptable.” He smiled. “As, I think, are you.”
He held out his hand and she took it tentatively. “You have good instincts. You will make the right decision.”
“I can’t promise anything. To be honest I wouldn’t trust my instincts on anything.” She leaned heavily against the railing. “I can’t believe Burke is dead.”
“These things happen. Borneo is unforgiving but I think that like Aidan it too might be your destiny.”
“Maybe.” She folded her arms across her chest and shivered. “This trip was my proving ground and I failed.”
“Something else.” He cleared his throat. “Back in sixty-two it was me who led that scientific expedition. Your father was there too.”
“You’re kidding,” she said as he confirmed what she had only suspected.
“I’m not. I learned much that trip. We were all young, inexperienced, and a man died. The circumstances were different, mind you, but the same in that.” He stubbed out the cigarette. “We never found the body. What I’m saying is that this could have happened to anyone. You must not let it stop you.”
“I don’t know.”
“I do. You are stronger than that. I think maybe I will see more of you.”
Garrett squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, thinking of Burke. “I don’t know. Forgiving Aidan is one thing, forgiving myself quite another.”
She slipped quietly off the verandah, unable to deal anymore with Akan’s words of wisdom, for despite their truth they clashed with the raw emotion that she had no idea how to come to terms with.
* * *
It was a silent flight. Aidan stretched his legs and looked out the window. Drew had been flown out hours earlier accompanied by Sid and Ian. With Drew’s stretcher there hadn’t been room for an extra person and Garrett had stayed behind. Now she sat ahead of him and she might as well have been in New York. His betrayal stretched like a canyon between them.
Across the aisle, the boys sat beside Akan. Each of them sat almost primly, dressed in long pants and shirts, attire appropriate for the city. And both of them looked completely uncomfortable and scared. He felt for them but he agreed with Akan. The council members had also agreed with Akan, it was time the boys met the city that might one day hold their destiny. They needed to learn to live in harmony with the outside rules and its mores.
The flight was short, and when they landed Akan smiled gravely and shook Aidan’s hand. “I’ll take a cab from here.” Akan glanced over his shoulder at the two boys. “I imagine a few days here will be more than enough. Thanks for understanding.”
“You knew I would.”
“That I did, my boy. Come back sooner than last time. I missed you.” Akan swung away and loaded his charges into the nearest cab.
One problem solved. If only they could all be solved so easily, he thought as he watched the man who had raised him walk away.
But it wasn’t until they were in Kuching, in the hotel lobby, that he was able to say what was on his mind.
“Rett,” he began. “I want to fix this between us. I love you, Garrett.” He couldn’t believe he’d said the words. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t said them sooner. Despite where they were, in a corner of a hotel lobby with a potted plant to his immediate right, despite all that, it seemed right. He took her hand, folding her smaller one between both of his.
Summer sky blue eyes met him head-on and he resisted the urge to draw her into his arms. He would undo it all if he could, if he could have just one more chance with her. He took a deep breath. He’d never felt this attached to anything, to anyone for so long. Not since Sunrise. That stopped him. It had been days since he had given her a thought and the rush of guilt was gone.
“Aidan.”
Her voice brought him back. Back to the woman he loved and the relationship he had destroyed before it had even begun. He didn’t know what to do.
She pulled her hand free and took another step back from him. “I can’t, Aidan. Not now. It’s all too fresh. Not only that, I don’t know how our relationship will survive part-time and now I’m too drained to even consider it.” She took a step back. “I’m sorry. It’s over,” she said and her voice shook. But there was no hesitation in her departure. She strode away from him with her shoulders back and her head high.
He watched her leave and a knot grazed uncomfortably in his throat.
His zen was gone and there was no refuge.
Chapter Thirty-four
Her father was in New York and so it was by telephone that Garrett had to relay the news, and it was with trepidation that she awaited his reaction.
“You’re all right?” His voice shook.
“I will be.”
“I’m sorry, Garrett. But you’re not the first one this has happened to. That’s the risk and why I didn’t want you to go. I felt the same way after the expedition of sixty-two. Struggled for years with the guilt, and in fact I didn’t go on another expedition for ten years.” His sentence trailed over the silent phone line. And he explained in detail how he had felt, how it had affected him. The guilt was so very similar to that which racked her. For the first time, Garrett basked in the emotional support her father offered. “You can’t let guilt stop you. You’re human. The insects are your legacy, what you will offer the world and eventually your children,” he finished his lengthy and one-sided conversation.
Legacy. That one word carried so much, love, pride, acceptance.
“Hard to understand what they did from a Western perspective, but you learn to see their side the longer you stay there. You’ll realize that after you’ve been there for a while.”
“What are you saying?” Garrett held her breath.
“How would you like to transfer to Kuching?”
“Permanently?”
“That’s a lot more research to be done on this find of yours and it can’t be done from New York. Are you up to it?”
“I will be.”
“Your beetle might be pivotal in getting the new Kuching re
search center off the ground.”
When the call ended, for once in her life she couldn’t stop the tears.
* * *
“Meet me for supper, Riverfront.” The connection broke.
Aidan smiled but it was more a grim attempt than any sign of humor. That was so like Akan. His aversion to the telephone followed by his acceptance of the computer was a shock to many, but not to Aidan. Akan had missed the convenience of one technology, but in his later years the need for ease and convenience had drawn him much more easily from the old ways.
He glanced at his watch. That was another dichotomy with Akan, he loved to be pampered, and when in the city he went all out. He had time for a shower and he’d have to dress, the restaurant was high-end. Thirty minutes later he met Akan at the entrance of the restaurant.
When they were seated Akan held up his hand. “I’ll get right to the point.”
Aidan sat back and folded his arms.
“You’re a fool if you let Garrett go. She is perfect for you. Strong. Independent. With her own career and a love of insects that will bring her back here again and again. You have a shared reverence for nature. What else do you want?” He pushed the menu aside before his eyes once again clashed with Aidan’s. “Do you know another woman crazy enough to love Borneo’s jungle like you do?”
Aidan fingered his beer and considered something stronger.
“You know she’s going on another expedition?”
“What?” He clenched his hand, twisting the napkin, his attention locked on Akan.
Akan’s eyes sparkled, the laughter lurking just beneath the surface. “It wasn’t you, was it? You didn’t break it off.” He chuckled dryly. “I think it’s time you took your emotions off the back burner, boy. Show her who you are and what you feel. You can’t hide in the jungle forever. I should know. Your mother taught me that at least.”
“Can’t I?”
“She’s hurt and blaming herself. That was a hell of an experience, especially for a woman fresh out of the city.” He closed his menu. “She was responsible for four others. Not including her guide, one of them didn’t make it. Do you not think that eats at her? Still, she forges forward despite what would have broken a weaker person. But you have let her guilt stand between you.”
“It wasn’t her fault.”
“True. And maybe she blames you a little for putting her in such a position, justified or not. Would they have lived otherwise?” He shook his head at the waiter’s silent question and waited as the man slipped quietly away. “I tend to doubt it. Her team threatened a very lucrative operation.” He skimmed a thumb over his plate. “Too bad about the meal.”
“Excuse me?”
“The meal. It won’t happen. Not tonight. I suspect you have some fences to mend. A woman who I would be proud to have as an adopted daughter.” He smiled broadly. “That is, if she suits you.”
“She suits. That’s why I can’t chance it.”
“That’s why you must chance it.” Akan pulled a cigarette from his pocket and looked at it for a long regretful moment. “No smoking indoors, imagine that.” He looked up. “She lives because of you.”
“Others died.”
“And may have died anyway.”
“Maybe. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to her. I can’t live through that again.”
“You’re not the only one who beats himself up over Sunrise’s death. Do you think I didn’t feel guilt? I was her father.” He turned the unlit cigarette over in his hand. “Life is risky, you know that. You can’t protect everyone you love.”
It wasn’t your fault. You have to let it go. Garrett’s words sifted through his mind, a gentle reminder of what he was prepared to let go.
“If you love, you must expect to hurt. You know that.”
“You’re right.” Aidan stood up. He dropped a bill on the table. “I think we’ll have to put off dinner for another time.”
Akan’s laugh barked loud and clear through the restaurant. “It’s about time, boy. Way beyond about time.”
* * *
She had barely knocked and the hotel door was flung open.
“You’re back.” Ian broke into a smile.
“How’s Drew?”
“Admitted and settled into a private room just as you ordered. Looks like he’s going to be fine. A few days of bed rest, good to go.”
She hovered in the doorway. “Thanks, Ian. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ll go up and check on him later.”
“No point, he was sleeping when we left him. Leave it until tomorrow.”
She walked into the room and sat on the edge of his bed and pushed her hair out of her eyes. “I can’t believe Burke didn’t make it.” Her hand trembled.
Ian covered her hand. “We were lucky to escape. And now Malcolm at least will get a proper burial.”
“You’re right. I just wish I could do the same for the others.” But nothing could change the fact that Burke and even Mark had been swept into the river’s powerful current and there was little hope that much would be left after they were dashed by rocks and discovered by predators.
“I contacted both families as soon as I got into the room. Burke’s family will have a memorial at a later date and Malcolm’s are here in Kuching.”
“Good. Let me know when or where the services will be.”
“Malcolm’s is private,” Ian’s voice cracked. “That’s what his mother wants. Just family.”
“We’ll have a memorial for him then, just us,” Garrett said firmly.
“Thanks.” Ian stretched his legs out as he slouched in one of two chairs in the room. “So, what did your father say?”
“He actually praised me,” Garrett admitted.
“You’re kidding, spill.”
And Garrett sat down and began to tell Ian what her father had said.
“So we have a chance to stay here?” Ian said after she told him that bit of news. “I’m looking forward to it.”
“You?” Garrett asked.
“Yeah, me. I like it here. The people are great. The weather is fantastic.” He smiled at her. “And my best friend will be here. What else is there?”
But her inner voice screamed that there was so much more. “Nothing.”
“Aidan,” he accused. “You won’t find any better and he loves you.” He looked at her suspiciously. “You knew that?”
She strode to the window, where outside traffic moved in orderly streams beneath the same sun that had caressed the jungle floor just a few days earlier. Aidan. She bit her lip, she couldn’t think of him.
“There’s no excuse now.”
“Enough, Ian.”
“Don’t fall back on past patterns, Garrett. You’ve grown way beyond that. I’m proud, baby.”
For the second time in a matter of hours she found herself wiping tears.
“See, and you cry. Big improvement,” Ian said triumphantly.
Ian was right, she thought as she left. She had come a long way. But now that the tears had started they seemed a long way from finished. If she could see past the sorrow, maybe there was still a chance, although whole lives could be ruined on maybes.
Chapter Thirty-five
Aidan found Garrett in the hotel lounge with an untouched drink in front of her and a faraway look in her eyes. Her pixie face was sad and he resisted the urge to rush over and gather her in his arms and somehow take the sadness away.
She looked up and her eyes shimmered.
He sat down beside her.
She’d been sitting for a while, that was apparent, as the ice in her glass had melted.
“I was such a fool. I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I let my guilt over Burke stand between us.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You had to investigate us. You were right. You didn’t know us. It was part of your job and you saved our lives. I can never thank you enough for that. Without you, none of us would have survived.”
Her words were r
unning together. She wasn’t acting at all like the Garrett he knew. Her edge seemed to have disappeared and he wasn’t sure he liked it.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m making no sense.” She turned to face him, and this time the tears were gone. She spun the straw in her glass. “Thanks. Really, I don’t think I ever told you that. Or that I love you.” The last words Aidan had to strain to hear.
“Did you just say what I thought you did?”
“Don’t make me repeat it.”
Her hands were trembling. He smiled. She was more like him than she would admit. She didn’t handle emotion well.
And while he wanted to shout down the halls of the hotel that she loved him, he knew what it had taken for her to say those words. And so, he tried to give her what she had always given him—zen.
They had a quiet glass of wine in the deserted lounge. She told him her news and he refrained from attaching a personal element to it.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
He shook his head, and instead of words he kissed her, a kiss sweet in its brevity.
“Not here,” he said and took her hand.
They walked outside into the warm, refreshing tropical night.
“You were serious?” he asked. “You love me?” He felt like a fool repeating it.
“I love you.” This time the words were firm and clear. “But we still have issues.”
“Such as?”
“Where we live.”
“I’m not that attached to place,” he innocently repeated Ian’s thoughts. “Not anymore.”
“Would you lie to me again?”
“Yes,” he replied. “Is that an offer?” And his voice was almost a purr.
“Possibly.”
He smiled at the flirtation in her voice. She looked up at him. “We’re still very different.”
“Maybe not so different as we thought. The jungle for me isn’t home. Not anymore. It’s peace and a place to visit. A vacation home if you will,” he said, surprised at the truth in the words. He tipped her face up to his and dropped a light kiss on her lips. It was a kiss more of reassurance than of passion. “The tribe is still family but they’re changing and I’ve changed. Civilization met them a long time ago. It isn’t the place of my childhood.”
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