Casualties of Love

by Denise Riley

  “I love Jessica, Mr. Watts. I messed up, but I love her,” Tyson said. He figured he should just lay it all out from the start.

  “Yeah. I imagine you do, coming all this way. She’s pretty upset, though. Jess...she doesn’t get mad all that much, but she’s right mad at you.”

  “Sir, I know she’s upset with me. I know, and I deserve it. But, would you please ask her if she’d come out to speak with me. I need to explain. To apologize to her and explain. If you could just convince her to talk to me,” Tyson pleaded.

  Tyson really hoped Mr. Watts would help him out.

  “I can’t do that, son.”

  Tyson dropped his head.

  “Sir, I gotta tell you. At this point, I’m not above begging. Is that what you want? To see me beg?”

  “No, boy. I don’t care about you begging. Jessica’s not here.”

  “What?” Tyson looked up at Jessica’s father. “Don’t tell me she left to go back to Texas.”

  Instead of answering, Mr. Watts looked at Tyson like he was a little slow in the head.

  “Tyson, one of the reasons I was willing to turn you away two times yesterday was because I thought you’d know where to find Jessica today.”

  “What? Wait. Why would you turn me away if you were ok with me finding her?”

  Tyson was well on his way to being confused.

  “Because, I think you two need to talk,” Mr. Watts said slowly. “How well do you know Jessica?”

  “I used to know her better than anybody,” Tyson said in a near mumble.

  “I thought she told you everything about what happened. With the baby and all.”

  “She did. I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

  “Do you know what day is it?”

  “Yes, Mr. Watts,” Tyson said with an exasperated sigh.

  He didn’t know why Jessica’s dad was asking him these random questions. Couldn’t the man just tell Tyson where Jessica had gone off to?

  “What day is it, son?” Mr. Watt asked in tone that Tyson recognized as laced with patience. “The date, Tyson, not just the day of the week.”

  “It’s April the third, sir. But, I don’t see...”

  Mr. Watt’s meaning dawned on Tyson as he let the sentence dangle unfinished. No wonder the man was talking to him as if he was some sort of simpleton. Tyson was being completely obtuse. With the nudging, he knew exactly where to find Jessica and wouldn’t have wasted time coming by the house had he been thinking. He would have staked out her location and made sure he was there when she showed up. It was a little bit stalker-ish, but he would have done it.

  Mr. Watts was nodding at him with an encouraging smile, apparently recognizing and pleased that Tyson had finally gotten a clue.

  “Thanks, Mr. Watts,” he said.

  “Don’t thank me. I didn’t do anything. In fact, I promised to stay out of it and not tell you a thing. You got it,” Alan Watts said with a pointed look.

  “Yes, sir,” Tyson said with a grin. “I got it. And, hopefully I’ll see you later. I look forward to getting to know you.”

  “Same here. Good luck.”

  ******

  Jessica heard the approaching footsteps. They were muted beneath the soft grass, but she perceived the purposeful gait. She didn’t turn. Didn’t have to in order to know who it was.

  “He told you where I was?” she asked.

  “Not really. Mostly he helped me realize what I should already have known,” Tyson answered to Jessica’s question.

  She nodded, but didn’t look at Tyson.

  “Is it ok that I’m here?” he asked her.

  After that question, she turned her head toward him. He looked as handsome as he always did. He had allowed his beard to grow in a little. It was a neatly trimmed, sexy shadow on the lower half of his face. He was wearing a lightweight, mock neck, half-zip sweater with dark wash jeans. Jessica pushed thoughts of how good he looked from her mind and answered.

  “Tyson, you have a right to be here. You can come anytime you want. He was your son, too.”

  “I know. I was more wondering if it was ok that I was here with you, while you are here. If you need time alone, Jess, I understand that.”

  “No. I’m fine. I’m...glad you’re here,” she admitted. Instinctively, she grabbed his hand and gave it a little squeeze. She had actually thought about this very thing on a number of occasions. Jessica had wanted to be able to share time with Tyson at their baby’s burial spot.

  She watched as he took in the scenery and read the polished stone placed at the head of the burial plot.

  “He would be a big boy now,” Tyson said. “Maybe going into kindergarten, yeah?”

  “Yes,” Jessica said with a small smile.

  She could almost picture it, had always in her mind played through the way the baby would have grown and developed from infant to toddler to adolescent. Even though she’d never even had a chance to really see him, she could envision his growth.

  Jessica tried to retrieve her hand, but Tyson wouldn’t release it as he stood quietly. She was also silent, in her own thoughts until he spoke again.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  Jessica didn’t readily respond. She knew what he was apologizing for, but wasn’t sure she wanted to get into it at gravesite.

  “Let me explain,” he said to her.

  “Ok. But not here,” she said and they started to walk out of the gardens and into the adjacent public park. Again, she tried to take her hand back. Tyson held fast. Jessica gave him a little side-eye, but he still didn’t let her go.

  They walked together, hand-in-hand, for several minutes. Jessica tried to ignore the feeling of contentment she derived from his hold on her and the easy way they were together. She wasn’t sure she’d like or even believe his explanation about the woman who’d latched on to him at the airport with such familiarity. What if he’d come to tell Jessica that she’d temporarily filled some void? She had known things like that to happen on tour. Jessica certainly hadn’t been involved in anything of that sort, but she wasn’t ignorant of the way things worked. There were times when men and women in combat hooked up only as long as they served their tour. The causal, no-strings nature of things made it easy for them to part ways without hurt feelings. Perhaps, her showing up unexpectedly at the airport had thrown a kink in Tyson’s plan to break the news of the temporary nature of their relationship.

  “It wasn’t how it looked, Jessica,” he stated without preamble.

  “Hmm. It looked like your girlfriend showed up at the airport to welcome you home. It looked like you got two surprises, my being there to witness her plaster herself all over you being one of them. Isn’t that what happened?”

  “In a way, but no,” he said.

  “Ok. So, in what way was it different? In what way, was that woman not there for a reunion with you while I, the woman you’d been sleeping with during your tour, quite frequently I might add, stood by and watched?”

  “Jessica,” he started.

  “She looked pretty happy to see you,” Jessica quipped drily. “You guys must be serious. Oh, that’s right; you are serious, because she lives with you.”

  She knew he didn’t know that she knew that. She’d coaxed that out of an inebriated Marcus Jones. Jessica made Tyson release her hand and then folded her arms across her chest. She’d stopped walking and faced him.

  “Jessica, her name is Bethany. She was my girlfriend and we used to live together,” Tyson said.

  “Was? Use to?” Jessica queried. She made no effort to control her snippy tone. “Her behavior indicated something a little too recent for past tense, Tyson,” she said sarcastically.

  “Maybe, but her behavior was not expected or encouraged by me. I promise you that.”

  “Save your promises. I don’t need them. I should not be surprised by this,” Jessica said while shaking her head. “What we had was years ago and trying to relive it, in Afghanistan of all places, was pretty stupid. This is p
robably my fault. Maybe I should apologize to you.” Her tone was dripping in derision.

  Jessica was having a hard time believing she was giving Tyson this out, even in sarcasm. But then she couldn’t really shake the attitude that she should have seen it coming. She should have known that she couldn’t find again what she’d lost or expect that he’d want what they shared to be more permanent. Particularly not when her decisions and actions was the cause of their original break.

  Tyson took a step closer to her. He put his hands on her shoulders when Jessica would have taken a step back to maintain the distance. He squeezed her and then anchored her in place.

  “Baby, all my promises belong to you,” Tyson said.

  His voice was sweet and sincere, and Jessica wanted to kick him in the nuts when her eyes stung with the burn of sudden tears. How could he call her his baby? He couldn’t say stuff like that to her and have a girlfriend, one that he lived with. It wasn’t fair.

  “Don’t you call me that,” she choked out past the lump in her throat.

  “Why not? It’s true. You’re my baby. You’re the woman that I love, the one I am in love with. I screwed this up, I know, but there is no one that I want but you.”

  Jessica blinked rapidly. She refused to cry.

  “Just listen to me, sweetheart. Don’t interrupt. Ok?”

  Jessica shrugged.

  “Yes, Bethany was my girlfriend. Yes, we used to live together. But we were falling apart before I left for my tour. I will even admit that I thought about working things out when I returned home. No don’t move, just listen.” Tyson squeezed her shoulders again. “But then she stopped calling. She stopped communicating with me, and Jessica, I didn’t care. I was actually relieved that she’d be moving on without all the fuss. It’s happened before. I mean, she’d the only woman I let move into my place, but I never cared when my relationships didn’t work out. Because, you’re the only woman I’ve ever been in love with. The only one. Baby, I’ve known that you were born just for me since we were twenty year old kids at West Point.”

  Tyson paused to wipe a traitorous tear from Jessica’s face and to kiss her cheek.

  “When Bethany started calling back, I’d already found you again. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe you were there. I’d been pretending that I could be happy with someone else, when I can’t. I need you. But she was calling again and I didn’t want to mess up what I hoped we were building again, so I didn’t bring her up. When I came to terms with wanting you back, I told her I didn’t want to try with her, that it was over. I told her I didn’t want to be with her, that I couldn’t. It seemed at first that she didn’t want to let it go, but when she recognized that I was serious, that I was done, she admitted that she had already started to move out and move on. She told me not to expect to see her at my place or anywhere else ever again. I couldn’t have been happier with that.”

  “You should have told me about her,” Jessica said.

  “I know. I was hoping it was a non-issue, but I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”

  “Did you love her?”

  Tyson paused and Jessica couldn’t stop the involuntary way her breath got stuck in her chest. She couldn’t seem to release it, held it in until he answered her.

  “No,” he answered. Jessica’s breath pushed passed her lips. He continued, “I thought maybe I could. It’s why I asked her to move in. We had...issues from the start. She said I wasn’t fully committed; I couldn’t understand why she always felt that way. My career was a source of arguments. Too much time training, too much time in deployment, too much to deal with when I came back. I thought if I showed her I was willing to share space, she’d see how committed I was. But, I didn’t love her. I don’t love her.”

  Jessica signed, but she didn’t know what to do.

  “I’m glad you told me, but I don’t know where to go from here,” Jessica stated. “Maybe all this just shows it’s just too late for us.”

  ******

  Tyson shook his head. He had to get through to her. He grabbed one of Jessica’s hands and walked her over to a flat bench. He sat down, straddling the thing and pulled her down in front of him. Her legs, like his were on either side of the seat. He pulled her back into him and was glad when she didn’t resist. He took both her hands in his and folded their arms over her middle. With his chin on her shoulder he simply held her for a while.

  “Jessica, do you love me?” he asked her.

  “Yes,” she said readily. Her voice was soft, but Tyson was happy that she had not needed to search her heart for the answer.

  “Do you know that I love you?”

  There, she hesitated and it made his chest hurt.

  “Jess, when I say that I love you, do you believe me?” he asked again.

  “I want to,” she admitted.

  “I know you’re disappointed in me. No, don’t deny it,” he said when she started to shake her head. “You should be. I never lied to you before and the fact that I have makes me feel like shit. But, I love you...so much, Jess. And I think you know it. You know it because of how it is with us – always easy and like second nature and...right. You and me, Jess. We’re right together; we’re perfect. We always have been. I love you.”

  Tyson turned his head slightly to kiss her just behind her ear.

  “I came for you at Marcus’ place. I would have been there sooner if I hadn’t spent time going off on Bethany for ruining my welcome home. When I saw you standing there at the airport, Jessica, the whole world stopped. It was the most amazing feeling having you waiting for me. It’s like I had been waiting since I first joined up to have you be the one to welcome me back. Looking at you, I could see it in my head. I could see it being like that for the rest of my life. You waiting for me, glad to see me come home.”

  “I know I hurt you, and I never wanted that. I’m sorry, sweetheart. But I can’t let you go. Not again. I need you, Jessica.” Tyson felt Jessica relax into him and almost cheered in triumph...or maybe it was relief. He couldn’t be sure. He kissed her neck and continued. “I know you say you don’t know what this all means, where to go from here. So let me tell you where I want to start. What I want is to go to your father’s house and sit around with you and hold you and kiss you. I want to get to know your dad and let him know that I don’t plan to ever be without you again. And later, I want to make love to you and show you how much I missed you, how much I want you, how much I love you. And then I want us to figure out how we’re going to make this work, because I’m not willing to live without you.”

  “Yeah?” she asked him.

  “Yes!”

  “I think I’d be ok with that.”

  “Just ok? Alright, I’ll take what I can get,” he said with a chuckle.

  Tyson turned her face to his and kissed Jessica. Everything he felt was poured into it and he couldn’t have been happier when she gave it right back.

  ******

  Later that night Tyson lay beside Jessica in the bed in her father’s guest room. They’d hung out with Mr. Watts and had dinner with him. Then, her father had left them to get reacquainted. Jessica had asked Tyson to stay at the house. Since Tyson didn’t want to be anywhere that she wasn’t, it sounded like a fine plan to him. They’d been lying in bed talking and touching and kissing. He had his hand up the back of her t-shirt. Her leg was wedged between his thighs and Jessica was raking her nails through the hair at the back of his neck. Tyson was horny as hell, but she refused to have sex with him with her father right down the hall. Tyson didn’t care that they were not having sex...that much; he was happy to be holding her. He stopped kissing Jessica long enough to take a breath.

  “You know this is driving me nuts, right? I want you so much right now you’re driving me crazy.”

  “Yeah, me too, babe, but it’s not gonna happen,” Jessica said with chuckle. “Tomorrow we can go get a room.”

  “Don’t you think your father will know why we’re getting a room?”

  “Probably,” she
admitted.

  “So, you’re ok with him knowing we’re having sex, but not actually having sex in the same building with him?”

  “That’s right,” she said.

  Tyson laughed. It didn’t make a lick of sense to him, but he’d live with it...and the blue balls that accompanied her reasoning. Jessica yawned and then let out a big contented sigh. She tucked her head into the crook of his neck and shoulder, and then she wrapped her arm around his waist. That warmed Tyson’s heart like nothing else could. To have her back. To have her bundled next to him. He wanted it for the rest of his life, and Tyson knew that they’d get there. Because, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Twice. You know that?”

  “I’m glad you think so,” she said with a kiss to his chin. “And the feeling is mutual. I love you,” she whispered.

  “I love you, too, baby. Always.”

  Epilogue

  “Tyson, please stop that,” Jessica said sharply.

  “But, it’s fun.”

  “I’m sure it is, but cut it out. This is your last warning,” Jessica stated.

  “But, it’s the only warning I got.” His voice expressed his confusion.

  “Exactly,” Jessica stated with a pointed look.

  Jessica hid a smile at his disgruntled expression, glad that he had immediately complied with her direction. When he’d settled into his seat, Jessica turned to rifle through the purse on the seat next to her. No sooner than her attention was turned, he’d shot out of his chair and to run full-bore behind her. Jessica shook her head and stifled a growl. But, then she heard his high-pitched squeals of joy and a smile spread across her face. Turning, she saw her husband tossing their son in the air, each time pretending he’d let the boy fall.

  Jessica let her eyes take inventory of Tyson, the elder. He looked tired. There were light shadows under his eyes from what she knew was lack of sleep. But, his smile was wide as he hugged his namesake and ruffled the boy’s dark, curly hair. She was so glad to see him - safe and whole and home - that water bubbled up at the edges of her eyes. She took off toward him and he shifted Tyson, Jr. to his hip in order to catch her up next to him on his other side.