by Shota, H. C
'You made fun of her bulimia,' Jack said with disgust.
I looked down in shame. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned a sensitive topic with callousness and with such little disregard just to get back at someone. Whether Jennifer was being catty or not, I was wrong to use her bulimia against her. 'It was said in the heat of the moment,' I said weakly. I still felt bad for that, but I couldn't bring myself to apologise to Jennifer. If she had been any other person, I would have. But thinking of the hate campaign she had led against me in secondary school and the fact that she hadn't changed one bit, how could I say sorry to her? Where was my apology?'
'The heat of moment?' Jack repeated. 'You're unbelievable, you know that? It's bad enough I have to see your face every day, but do you know what's worse than that? I hate seeing you acting like you're the victim. You don't care who you hurt, just like back then.'
'You don't know me,' I replied in a subdued voice.
'I know enough,' Jack said. 'I know whose filthy blood you have running through your veins.'
All at once I felt nauseous. I hurried away from Jack. I made it back to the dorms and to my room without being sick. Thankfully, Rene wasn't in. I stripped the floorboards and took out a razor blade. My hands shook as I held it. I hadn't had an episode in quite a while. The last time had been a month ago. I'd seen a picture of my father as I was packing to move into the dorms. I began cutting myself. I entered a zone where I was at peace. I sighed as I bled. Afterwards, when all the pain and hurt bled out of me, I stopped the blood flow with an old shirt. I dabbed myself with tissue at the last remaining blood and looked at all the mess I had made. Piles of piles of dark red tissues were scattered around me.
I stuffed the blood stained shirt in a black bag. I wasn't going to dump it where Rene could find it. I hid it under my bed for the meantime. In the morning, I would discard of it properly and somewhere far away from the freshmen dorms. I'd seen a couple of large bins around the campus. I brushed my teeth and went to bed early.
Chapter Three
I woke up feeling positive despite yesterday's episode. Rene was my best friend, and though it was a shame we weren't on the same course, I was making new friends. I looked forward to seeing Matt and Scott. Before that I had things to do.
I checked in Rene's room and smiled to myself. She was spread eagle on the bed. Her hair, which took her hours to straighten every day was reverted back to its originally curly state. I actually thought Rene looked better like that, and had told her on a number of occasions, but Rene was convinced it was going to take away her reputation for being a no-nonsense kind of girl and make her appear soft, thereby diminishing the effects of her piercings and scary grim reaper tattoo. I closed the door quietly and returned to my room to retrieve the black bin bag under my bed.
I left Austen Halls, which had been named after Jane Austen, the author of Pride and Prejudice. Our dorm didn't just consist of English Lit students, but had a mixture of Science, Math and Psychology students. Montgomery was different from other universities in that regard. As it was renowned for its English department, all dorms were named after a writer from the 19th Century. The building itself was historical and being a red brick university, Montgomery had its fair share of international students.
I carried the black bag under my arm and dumped it in their wheelie bins. A Korean girl smiled at me. I only knew she was Korean because of the small flag on her shirt. I returned the smile and could tell she was a little curious as to why I was hanging around her dorms. For the most part, the locals didn't mix well with the International students. They preferred to keep to themselves and had a set of friends from their own ethnic groups. The Chinese hung around with Chinese, Ghanaians with Ghanaians, Arabs with Arabs and so on.
'Unni!' someone called. I assumed it was her name and thought it was quite lovely sounding. Mine was boring and plain, and Mum admitted to me she hadn't thought it through, because I'd been a difficult birth. She felt pressured to come up with something and said the first name in her head: Amanda.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and made a quick detour to the cafe on campus. I bought a caramel latte and sipped slowly after nearly burning my throat in an effort to warm myself faster.
Afterwards I walked to the lecture hall which was on the other side of the campus. I was envious of a couple sitting on a bench. He was looking at her like she was his whole world. I wondered what it would be like for someone to look at me that way? Don't go there, Amanda. I wasn't worthy to be loved. I stepped on the fallen Autumn leaves. The leaves from the trees lined up on either side of me were various shades of green, yellow, orange and purple. With Autumn, came the sign of change. Did I dare hope something would change for me this year? Even if one other person other than Rene was nice to me despite any rumours they heard about me, It would be enough. It had to be enough.
I attended my morning lecture and noticed an absence of Jennifer. Without their ring leader, her friends could do nothing but send me hateful glares, which I was long used to. I had never once expected the past to be buried as my mother still mistakenly believed would happen. This would follow us for the rest of our lives. We had been offered the chance to live in anonymity because our house had been badly trashed on a number of occasions. Broken windows, graffiti on the walls, eggs splattered on the doors, you name it, they did it. My mother had refused. As far as she was concerned, she hadn't done anything wrong and so, why should she be treated like a criminal? We moved house after much persuasion by the police but against better judgement, we stayed in Montgomery, a small city most people had never heard of. Montgomery was a town compared to London. Our overall population was somewhere close to three thousand. I stared out the window.
Professor McAdams was quite a large woman and had difficulty moving around. She mostly sat and used the computer for her slideshow presentations like she was doing now. I liked Professor McAdams but not the subject she was teaching. I had no choice but to take a language module to make up my remaining credits. It was compulsory for all first year Montgomery students. I think this was to stop us from switching from Literature to Language or vice versa and annoying the admin staff.
'Amanda,' Professor McAdams said. 'Can you answer the question since you seem to think the view outside is more interesting than your studies?'
I turned beetroot red at the giggles. They mostly came from Jennifer's friends, Vanessa and Louise who hadn't taken my snarky comment to heart and were still sporting tans three shades darker than their natural colour.
~
I scanned the canteen, hoping to run into Scott and Matt from my drama class. I froze when I saw them with Jennifer.
She smiled sweetly at me. 'Hi, Amanda.'
Matt grinned. 'Why didn't you tell me you guys have known each other forever?'
I cautiously sat at their table. 'It's not a big deal.'
Jennifer started acting strange. She held my hand. 'Yes, it is. We were best friends. And then you suddenly dropped out of school and nobody heard from you. Where did you go Mandy?'
I flinched at the use of my childhood nickname. Jack's sister Lilly had called me that. And so had Jennifer. But that was a long time ago and things were different now.
Jennifer pressed on. 'Did something happen?'
She had me squirming in my seat and she knew it. I could tell Scott and Matt were very interested to hear what I had to say. I mumbled a feeble excuse under my breath about being in hospital, which wasn't exactly a lie. They didn't need to know it was not your average run of the mill hospital.
'We'll see you in a bit,' Scott said, and Matt said his goodbye too.
As soon as Scott and Matt were out of ear shot, Jenifer dropped the act.
'Don't think you can just start a new life,' she hissed. 'This city may have forgotten what you and your father did. I haven't forgotten. If you think I gave you a hard time, think again. I won't just chase you out of the school this time, I'll chase you out of the city.'
I realised she meant it. Jennif
er was deluded. Who did she think she was? Some kind of vigilante? I tried to appeal to her better nature. 'We were once friends,' I said. 'Lilly was my friend too.'
Jennifer scoffed. 'Some friend you are. If all your friends end up that way, I'd hate to be one.'
'Jen,' I said, using my childhood nickname for her.
That made it worse. Jennifer glared at me. 'I am not Jen,' she said harshly. 'My name is Jennifer.'
I was startled by the viciousness in her voice. I understood why she had been cruel to me years ago, and back then without realising it, I'd welcomed it. Now I wanted to start over and be a new person. I hadn't forgiven myself and I probably never would. The guilt of Lilly's death tormented during the day, but it was far worse at night. I didn't need Jennifer's hatred. Two people were enough. Jack and myself. My nightmares since that eventful day had never stopped, not even for a single night. She didn't know that though, and I doubted she'd care.
Jennifer left me and ran to catch up with Scott and Matt. She already had her claws in them. Jennifer stood in between them and put her arm on each. She glanced back one last time and smiled in triumph. I knew then that Scott and Matt were lost to me forever. I sighed and picked up my homemade sandwich, not really tasting anything. What was the point in trying to make friends if Jennifer turned everyone against me?
I threw my sandwich in the bin harder than was necessary. I didn't have any classes for the rest of the day as they were cancelled because the professor was ill. I didn't have anywhere to go except the gym on campus. I made a stop to my dorm room to change into suitable clothing. I made sure my shirts were long sleeved. I left just as Rene came in with a guy I hadn't seen before. I smiled at her and she gave me a thumbs up behind the guy's back. I snatched the keys off the window sill and then had second thoughts. It was better to knock. That way I could be rest assured I wouldn't accidentally walk in on anything. I loved Rene, but I had no desire to see her without her clothes on.
~
The gym was opposite the cafe. It could have been an accident, or it could have been a strategic move on their part. I was always hungry after a good work out. I entered with my free membership card. It was warm inside the gym. I felt hot and stuffy within moments. I walked along the rows of gym equipments and stepped on a vacant treadmill. I adjusted the speed before I started. I ran on the treadmill until I was numb from everything. If I ran, I didn't have to think. I faced ahead and began running slowly at first, and then picked up speed as I went along. My legs ached, but I continued forcing one leg in front of the other. To my utter humiliation, I stumbled and would have fallen backwards if it hadn't been for someone catching me from behind. I looked upon the face of my kind helper. My eyes widened in surprise. Jack looked like he couldn't let go of me fast enough. I nearly stumbled again. I kept myself upright as Jack leaned over to turn off the machine.
'Thanks,' I said again.
'No need to thank me, it's called being compassionate. Something you obviously don't know anything about,' Jack said gruffly before going over to his own treadmill.
I stared at him for a moment. I watched how his abs moved as he sprinted. I wasn't the only person who noticed. Several other girls were hungrily eyeing Jack. Back when we had been children, Jack had been popular for his good looks as well as his charming personality. A lot had changed since then. I realised I hadn't seen him smile once since I'd met him. I was aware they would never be aimed at me again. I wouldn't even mind if Jennifer got to see them. Why wasn't Jack smiling at anyone? From the corner of my eye, I discreetly watched as a red headed girl with a large chest approached Jack. I couldn't hear what they were saying. Her attempts at getting his attention failed miserably. I felt a thrill run through me and then immediately felt bad. What was wrong with me? How could I get excited over seeing someone get rejected, and publicly at that. Whether or not Jack turned the girl down, I had no chance with him. Even if the world ended and me and Jack were the last two people on earth, Jack still wouldn't give me a second look.
I wiped my neck with a towel, and took out a bottle of water from my duffel bag. I left the gym and bumped into the red haired girl. Her makeup was blotched. Mascara ran down her eyes and followed the trail of her tears. Her lips looked puffy with smeared, red lipstick.
'Are you Okay?' I asked.
The red head began sobbing harder at my question. I awkwardly put an arm round her. She immediately clung to me. We were getting strange looks from people trying to enter the gym. 'We're blocking the way,' I told her. 'Let's go somewhere else.' I had to lead her out by her elbow. I took her to the cafe which was surprisingly quiet for once. There was only one other person apart from us. I helped her sit down.
'I'm such an idiot,' she said. 'I saw him looking all hot, and I asked him out in front of everybody and he said, I'm flattered, but I'm not looking for anything right now.'
'You're not a fool. You're brave. It took guts to do what you did.' I wasn't just saying it to make her feel better. I wondered if I would ever have that kind of courage.
She sobered. 'I heard about what happened to Jack Daniels, how he lost his sister at a young age. I heard he doesn't date. Do you think it's because he believes he doesn't deserve to be happy?'
'I don't know,' I said honestly. I was worried for Jack. Lilly would have wanted her brother to move on with his life.
'I wish I could meet the bitch responsible for this. I heard she goes here. How shameless is that? What kind of twisted person is she to bother Jack like this. She must know he'll be reminded of his sister every time he sees her. Why can't Miranda or whatever her name is, just go far away or better yet, kill herself.'
I had thought of killing myself. After several failed attempts, my mother had sent me to a mental asylum for teenagers like me and I'd been held against my will for my own safety. It was shortly after the abuse I'd suffered from Jennifer and followers. My mother had found me lying on the ground with an empty bottle of pills. She hadn't asked me if I was okay or why I had done what I did. She sent me away because she was afraid of what the neighbours would think. She told them I was on vacation while I was stuck in a mental asylum for teenagers with similar problems. They couldn't help me. Nobody could. I soon realised talks of killing myself would just keep me in there longer.
I still wanted to die, but the urge wasn't as strong as before. I was clinging on to life with the barest of threads. In essence, I was looking for reasons to live, and ironically, that was keeping me alive. I didn't tell any of this to the red head. I made some excuse about having a lot of assignments, which wasn't necessarily a lie. I had several essays to complete, but they weren't due for a while.
'Thanks for listening to me,' she said as she reapplied her make-up in the mirror.
I had no doubt she would be just fine.
I returned to Austen Halls slowly, feeling the full effects of my exercise earlier. I had several cramps, but despite that, I wasn't tempted to get inside the lift. The doors closed and the arrow glowed at the next floor it stopped on. I took the stairs one at a time. I knocked on the door loudly. Rene opened the door to me with a wide smile. I looked around discreetly. There was no sign of any male presence. I followed Rene into the living room.
'What are you doing on Saturday?' she asked as I collapsed on the sofa.
I put my feet up on the coffee table which usually annoyed Rene. She was in a great mood today and made no mention of my bad habit.
'Do you want to chill out me and Lewis on Saturday?'
'Lewis?'
'That guy you saw me with earlier.' Rene grinned. 'We're dating, but nothing is official yet. We're just seeing how it goes, I guess. Do you want to come hang out with us?' she said with concern. 'I don't feel comfortable with you being on your own.'
It would be awkward. There was no way I was planning on being a third wheel. 'I'm going home,' I said, deciding on the spot. That way Rene wouldn't feel sorry for me and she could enjoy her date with Lewis without me in the back of her mind. I forced a smile.
> Rene looked relieved. 'Oh, you have to go home. Is that why your phone's been going off?'
My mother's calls were incessant. I had eighty two missed calls, fifteen text messages and three voicemails. I wasn't excited to see my mother. Our relationship was barely existent due to the fact she resented me for having been born. I used to be jealous of girls who spent time with their mothers and went shopping with them, and had pedicures done together, and everything else daughters did with their mothers. I wouldn't know. 'I'm going to rest for a bit,' I told Rene. I collapsed on top of my bed. The room was dark and the sound of the rain hitting against the pane of window lulled me to sleep.
I laughed as I chased Lilly through the meadow. She looked back and smiled at me. Two butterflies danced above our heads. Suddenly, the scenery disappeared. The meadow was gone. I came home from school. The door was partially opened. It was never open. Had we been burgled? I turned the door knob and entered my house, scared of what I might find. I went into the kitchen and tripped over something. I looked down and screamed. Lilly's lifeless eyes looked back at me. There was so much blood everywhere, all over her clothes, down her legs and pooling around her body. Her school uniform was strange. The shirt was missing buttons and her skirt was ripped.
'What have you done, Daddy?' I asked in barely more than a whisper.
He looked at the blood on his hands in disbelief. 'I didn't mean to kill her,' he said in a raspy voice. 'I just wanted to shut her up. She wouldn't be quiet,' he continued. 'The neighbours...'
He was a madman. I glanced at the telephone. The cords were cut. He saw what I was looking at. 'You won't tell anyone will you? We'll bury the body. No one will have to know. You're my little girl.'