by Shota, H. C
~
I managed to make it back to the campus and to my dorm room in one piece. I locked the door with what little strength I had left and then I just collapsed on the cold ground. Everything I had been holding back came rushing at me all at once. It was too much for me to handle. I needed release. I pulled out the small razor blade hidden underneath the floorboards. I stripped the sleeves of my stupid dress and felt satisfaction at the sound of it ripping. I began to cut over my old scars. I watched as the blood ran over my arms. I closed my eyes at the relief I felt. I washed away the blood and hid all evidence of what I had done. I sat in the tub allowed the water soothe me. I stayed in the water until my fingers were wrinkly. I put a towel over my head and a longer one around my waist before stumbling in my bedroom to pat myself dry and change.
I wore a long sleeved grey hoodie with Montgomery written on the front and a pair of old pyjama trousers with red and black tartan designs. By the time I was ready for bed, Rene came through the door. She had a guilty look on her face. Rene must have heard what happened.
My face burned in shame.
‘I’m so sorry, Amanda. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I met up with a couple of people from my old school and we had a little catch up.
‘It’s Okay,’ I said.
Rene shook her head. ‘No it’s not, I should have invited you to come with us to the new club that was opening tonight.’
I brushed her off and gave her a weak smile. ‘I’m tired. We’ll talk tomorrow.’I wasn’t angry at Rene. I just wanted to be left alone.
A knock on the door interrupted Rene’s reply. She went to eagerly answer it. I didn’t mind if she had some friends over as long as they didn’t bother me.
‘It’s for you,’ Rene said.
I looked at Jack standing in the doorway. Why was he here? ‘Tell him I don’t want to speak to him,’ I said.
Rene attempted to relay my message, but she didn’t get very far. ‘She said –’
‘I can hear her, she’s right there,’ he said, annoyed.
I walked in the direction of my bedroom. Jack crossed the threshold and stalked towards me.
‘Hey, you can’t just barge in here –’ Rene said.
Jack stopped in front of me. ‘Let me talk to you outside.’
I was aware of Rene watching us with curiosity. I didn’t mind making a big scene in front of her, but the walls were thin and I didn’t want other people in the dorm overhearing us.
‘The hallway,’ I conceded.
Jack sighed, but I guess his need to talk to me outweighed where we did it. Rene left the door half open, but Jack closed it shut behind us, clearly not wanting her to listen in. We walked a little distance away from my dorm room. I crossed my arms over my chest as I waited for Jack to begin.
‘My mother was a bitch to you tonight. She had no right to do that. I should have stopped her.’
I looked at Jack in surprise. Was he actually apologising to me? My face must have shown what I was feeling because Jack grimaced.
‘Yes this is an apology; I’m not very good at it obviously, if I have to tell you it’s one.’
‘Continue with the apology,’ I said.
‘You’re not going to make this easy are you?’ he said, and then he returned to Jack I knew – not the one that came over in the middle of the night to say sorry and failed miserably at it.
‘My mother went about it the wrong way, but she’s right about one thing. My sister’s dead because of you. And you’re not even guilty are you?’
How was I supposed to answer that? If I told himI had nightmares about it still, would he believe me? I rubbed my arms through my clothes, unaware I was doing it until I saw Jack watching me. He noticed the bandage peeking out through my sleeve. My heart pounded in my chest. I slowly attempted to put my hands behind my back. Jack caught my wrist. I panicked which was a stupid thing to do. It only made him even more suspicious of me.
‘Let me go,’ I said, trying to tug my arm away.
Jack ignored me and rolled up one of my sleeves. The shock of seeing the bandages hiding both my recent scars and my old ones temporarily paralysed Jack.
Angered, I pulled down my sleeves in one quick motion.
Jack caught my arm and slowly rolled it back up again. He did the same to other and then peeled of a bandage to my mortification. I felt horribly exposed. Nobody knew about them. Not my mother and certainly not Rene.
His face was enraged as he saw the cuts on my arms. ‘You don’t get to hurt yourself like this!’
‘Why? Because if anybody is going to be doing the hurting, it’s you, right?’ I spat with venom.
‘I’m not that kind of person!’ Jack said in horror. ‘I don’t want to see you like this. All I wanted was for you to show a bit of emotion. I just wanted you to feel sorry for what you did.’
‘Is this sorry enough for you?’ I said in sarcasm.
Jack leaned in close, so close our lips were just inches apart. His grip on my arms tightened.
I didn’t know whether Jack was going to kill me or kiss me.
‘I’m trying to forget about it all,’ Jack whispered. ‘I’m trying, but you make it so hard. And I hate you for that.’
I looked at his beautiful blue eyes. I didn’t care what he felt for me, just as long as he felt something.
‘Hate me,’ I replied a little breathlessly.
Jack growled before he crossed the last couple of inches. He kissed me hard. I kissed him just as hard. Our tongues duelled for battle. I lost and let Jack possess me entirely. He released my arms and curled a hand around my nape to pull me closer, it was surprisingly gentle for someone who claimed to hate me.
My hands itched to place them anywhere on his body, but I resisted and curled my fists at my sides. I stayed pressed against the wall as I let Jack have his way with me. We both came up for much needed air.
Neither of us spoke for a moment. I hadn’t expected this to happen, and from the looks of things, neither had Jack. I watched as confusion mixed with anger in his blue eyes. I knew he was angry at himself, for giving into whatever this was between us. Knowing Jack, he probably thought he was tainting the memory of his sister or something. I felt the same way. It was my fault Lilly was dead, and here I was snogging her brother when I had no right to. That brief moment had filled me with happiness. I wasn't allowed to be happy.
Jack wiped his mouth, like he could wipe all traces of what just happened. ‘This doesn’t mean anything,’ he said.
‘Ditto,’ I replied with a smirk, because I would never let Jack know I was serious about him. I didn’t care how he hurt me, as long as my heart was untouched. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I let him play around with my feelings.
I walked away from Jack and resisted the urge to look back, to see if he was watching me. I closed my eyes. God, how stupid was I? To fall for the one person who would never love me back. I raised my fist to knock on my dorm room and wasn’t surprised when Rene opened it. She dragged me inside and squealed. ‘Amanda, you have to tell me everything. Is Daniels a great kisser?’
I sighed. ‘It’s everything I wanted it to be…’
Rene looked at me with puzzlement. ‘Then why are you not jumping for joy right now?’
‘Because,’ I said, ‘our relationship is kind of complicated. My dad killed his sister. After raping her. Multiple times.'
Rene was quiet as I sobbed my heart out. 'I led the sick bastard to her. He used me in his grooming process. I had no idea, of course, but it doesn't change the facts. I was the one who took Lilly to my house. On the day she died, I said she could wait for me. She might have been alive if it weren't for me.'
‘Oh fuck,’ Rene whispered, finally understanding why Jack and I could never be together, even if he wanted me in that way.
I closed my eyes in despair. ‘Exactly.’
Sneak peek from See Me
'Jack?' I said.
'Let me do this,' he replied and he kissed each and every one of my s
cars on my wrist. The tears fell silently at Jack's tenderness. I still didn't believe I deserved it, but in all my selfishness, I couldn't stand Jack hating me anymore more either. A long time ago, I would have been fine with Jack's disdain, but now I wanted his love above everything.
'Look at me!' Jack begged in a broken, pleading tone
I lifted my head slowly. Jack was crying, too. I wiped his eyes. Jack pressed his lips to my palm as he watched me. 'I see you now, Amanda.'
Our tears merged as we kissed. In that moment there was nothing else, just the two of us.
About the author
H.C. Shota is the pseudonym of a Brit indie writer living a couple of hours away from London. She loves writing short stories and hopes her readers enjoy it very much. She likes to write about a variety of things, but especially about love. H.C Shota can be found walking in parks for inspiration as well as people watching, which might be a bit creepy. It’s all for the greater good. Honest! You can follow the author on twitter. @HCShota