by Ruff, K. S.
I turned in Rafael’s arms. “It’s beautiful,” I whispered. I rolled onto my tiptoes and gave him a kiss.
“You’re beautiful,” he responded as we ended the kiss. He pulled my chair out for me.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I removed the rose from my plate. Rafael reached for my hand as he settled into the chair next to me. “What’s wrong, love?”
My heart clenched as I met Rafael’s eyes. “Nothing. Everything is just so… perfect.”
Rafael groaned. “It’s the rose. I’m sorry. I should have known that would remind you of Michael.”
I squeezed his hand. “No. He doesn’t get to be the only man who gives me roses. It’s just the way it was sitting on the plate. It reminded me of the roses he’d leave on the tray when he couldn’t join me for breakfast.”
Rafael kissed my hand. “I understand.”
I sighed softly as Rafael ladled noodles and Chicken Marsala onto my plate. I hadn’t had any dreams or nightmares about Michael since Rafael first appeared in my room, and yet I was still thinking about him when I was awake. I wondered if those memories would forever be steeped in pain.
* * * * * *
I met Kadyn at the Fort Myer gym so we could practice Karate. I took two changes of clothes in this time, one for work and one for lounging around Kadyn’s apartment, since we were planning to spend the evening there. I pushed through the self-defense training, work, and school. Then I swung by China Delight to pick up our usual order on my way to Kadyn’s place.
I hesitated in front of his door. Kadyn was living in what used to be my apartment, which was still a bit awkward for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of loss every time I stepped inside the apartment. Worse yet, I couldn’t get the images of Michael leaning against my bedroom door or Mickey bound with duct tape out of my head. I took a deep breath and stepped forward to ring the doorbell.
Kadyn pulled the door open. “I was wondering how long you were going to stand out here.”
I rolled my eyes. “I wasn’t standing here that long.” I handed him the bag of food.
Kadyn stepped aside as I entered the apartment. He kicked the door closed. “How was your day?”
I kicked my shoes off and set them by the door. “It was okay. I’m tired, my brain hurts, and my legs feel like Jell-O from all the Karate kicks you made me do this morning.”
Kadyn set the food on the kitchen counter as I slid onto the stool. He glanced at me as he began dishing up our plates. “I’ve been thinking about the way you’re kicking. I think I’ve got you kicking too high. Ideally, you would have a high kick so you could target the groin, solar plexus, throat, or face; but we only have a few more weeks before you leave for Ukraine. I think we should just focus on kicking your opponent’s legs, right at the knee, in what’s called a stamp kick.” He handed me my plate and a can of Sprite.
I followed him to the couch. “I should kick lower and aim for the knee,” I repeated as I committed the new strategy to memory.
Kadyn smiled. “Exactly. I’d also like to teach you how to use your opponent’s momentum against him, so you can throw him off balance and get away.”
I raised an eyebrow at Kadyn. “Do I get to flip you over my shoulder?”
Kadyn burst out laughing. “Sure, if you think you’d enjoy that.”
My eyes grew wide. “Oh, yeah. I know I’d enjoy doing that.”
He shook his head as he reached for the remote. “Well, in order to teach you how to flip me, I’m going to have to flip you… multiple times.”
I scowled at Kadyn as I sank onto the couch. “I knew there’d be a catch. What are we watching anyway?”
He settled onto the couch. A plate of food was in one hand. The remote was in the other. “The new fast and furious movie.”
I groaned.
Kadyn’s eyes widened in mock innocence. “What? I thought you liked fast cars.”
I threw a fortune cookie at him. “And scantily clad girls? Not so much.”
He laughed. “Next time, you can make me watch a chick flick.”
I gave him a dirty look. “Don’t think I won’t.”
* * * * * *
It was dark when I woke. I couldn’t move. A well-muscled arm was locked around my waist. My eyes blinked multiple times as I tried to register my surroundings. My old room? I shot upright. “Holy Crap!”
Kadyn bolted upright next to me. He quickly scanned the room. “What? What’s wrong?”
I collapsed against the pillow. “I fell asleep?”
Kadyn shot me an incredulous look. “Kri, you scared the crap out of me. I thought someone was trying to break into the apartment.”
I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. “How did I end up in your bed?”
Kadyn fell back against his pillow. He propped himself up on his elbow as he turned to face me. “I carried you. Honestly, Kri, you act like that’s a bad thing. It’s not like you haven’t slept in my bed before.”
I snatched his pillow, pulled it over my face, and screamed. “Arghh!”
Kadyn yanked the pillow from my face. “Have you completely lost your mind?”
I sat back up. “Yes. Yes, I have. I need to go. I have to go home and get ready for work.” I glanced at the darkened blinds and scowled. “What time is it anyway?”
Kadyn shoved me against the pillow. “Hold on. You’re not going anywhere. Not just yet.”
I tried to wiggle away from him. “Kadyn! What time is it?”
He pinned me in place as he reached for the cell phone on the nightstand. “It’s four-thirty.”
I froze as Kadyn’s eyes met mine. He was sprawled on top of me, looking entirely too pleased about my predicament.
He brushed a lock of hair from my face. “Do you know how much I’ve missed sleeping with you… how good it feels to hold you in my arms and wake up next to you?”
Tears pooled in my eyes.
“Stay,” he whispered. “Please.”
I slowly shook my head. “If I stay, we’re going to do something we’ll both regret.”
Kadyn shifted his weight so his body fit more snugly against mine. He lifted my hands so they were resting on top of the pillow. His fingers trailed down my left arm, then paused along the side of my breast. “I won’t regret it, Kri.”
I tried to ignore the need pooling inside of me as his fingers lightly grazed my breast. “But the ground rules…”
Kadyn’s eyes narrowed. “Are you going to tell me that Rafael hasn’t tried to break the ground rules?”
My heart slammed against my chest. “I…”
Kadyn pressed his finger against my lips. “I don’t want to know. I just want… this. You. Here. Now.”
My eyes searched his. What I saw reflected back was too painful to see. I closed my eyes, then slowly nodded.
Kadyn waited for me to open my eyes before he replaced his finger with his lips. There was so much hope and longing in his kiss. My head swam with memories… memories of what Kadyn and I once shared… and memories of another man whose kisses had been so full of hope. Tears stole silently down my face.
Kadyn planted open-mouthed kisses all along my neck before kneeling between my legs and lifting my shirt. He kissed my stomach, then froze. “Kri, are you crying?”
He reached for me as I scrambled to get away. I lost sight of where I was and fell out of bed. Air rushed from my lungs as my shoulder and hip hit the floor. I pushed up slowly until I was sitting on my knees. I sighed miserably, then swiped at my tears. “I’m sorry, Kadyn. It’s just… too much. I can’t… I’m not… I’m not ready for this.”
Kadyn’s eyes filled with regret as he reached for me. “God, Kri. I’m so sorry.”
I rose to my feet and stumbled back toward the door. “I have to go. I’m sorry, Kadyn. I just need some time to think. I… I… I can’t breathe.”
I bolted into the living room, grabbed my purse and shoes, and fled the apartment. I didn’t bother putting my shoes on. The tears came hard and fast as I stumbled acr
oss the wet parking lot. It took me a few minutes to realize I was being pelted with rain.
I could barely see by the time I reached the jeep. I dropped my keys when I tried to unlock the door. I fell to my knees and felt for the keys in the pooling rainwater. When I couldn’t find the keys, I curled in on myself and sobbed.
“Hey,” Kadyn soothed as he handed me the keys. He seemed oblivious to the pounding rain. He lowered himself to the ground, propped his back against the jeep, and pulled me between his legs. He wrapped his arms around me. “Shhh. Please don’t cry, Kri. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I buried my face in his chest, which was streaked with rain. My tears fell unchecked as I clung to him.
I tried to apologize when the tears finally subsided. “God, Kadyn. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. It’s just… too many memories hit at once. It hurts so much. I don’t understand. I don’t know why.”
Kadyn sighed as he stroked my hair. “I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t push. It wasn’t that. It was the way you kissed me… all of these memories came flooding back.” I sniffed loudly as I caught sight of his bare feet and mine. I stared in shock at our sopping wet clothes. “God, I’m a wreck. I don’t understand why you want to be with me, Kadyn. I’m so screwed up. You deserve someone better… someone who hasn’t been broken so many times that she can’t be pieced together again.”
Kadyn gathered my face in his hands. “Don’t say that, Kri. Don’t talk about yourself like you’re worthless, like you’re not worthy of being loved, because you are.” He growled as his lips crashed against mine.
There was no denying the strength and determination behind that kiss. Kadyn demanded my concession as he sought to prove his point. Somehow, the memories remained at bay. We clung to each other in the darkened parking lot, lost in a kiss and completely oblivious to the storm.
* * * * * *
“God, Kri, you look like death.”
I warmed my hands against my coffee cup as I glanced up at Shae. “Seems fitting, since I feel like death.”
She narrowed her eyes at me as she dropped into the chair across from my desk. “Are you sick?”
I shook my head. “No, just… wrecked.”
She tapped her fingers on the arm of the chair as she waited for an explanation.
I blew the hair out of my face and leaned back into my chair. I was still clinging to my coffee. “I accidently fell asleep watching a movie at Kadyn’s place last night. I didn’t know it at the time, but he carried me to bed. When I woke up, he started kissing me, and I freaked out.”
Her eyes softened with concern. “Why?”
I sighed. “Too many memories came crashing down at once.”
She looked confused. “Memories of Kadyn?”
I took a sip of coffee. “Some memories of Kadyn, but memories of Michael too. There was just so much heartache… so many broken dreams. It hurt so much, I had to leave. I ended up running out on Kadyn. He found me kneeling in a puddle of water, crying in the rain.”
Shae studied me. “Has that ever happened with Rafael?”
My eyebrows knit together. “What? Being overwhelmed with memories of Michael?”
She nodded.
I thought back over the time I’d spent with Rafael. “I started crying the other night when Rafael cooked me dinner and left a rose on my plate. Michael used to leave roses on the breakfast tray when he couldn’t join me for breakfast. I was thinking about Michael when Rafael and I were sitting by the river Sunday night, but we were talking about Michael, so it didn’t really surprise me or catch me off guard.”
Shae looked thoughtful. “But you don’t think about Michael when you’re being intimate with Rafael?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Do you still have nightmares about Michael?”
I shook my head again. “Not since Rafael showed up…” I silently did the math, “… twelve days ago.” I stilled. Had it really only been twelve days?
Shae interrupted my thoughts. “Does he look like Michael?”
My teeth sank into my bottom lip as I pondered the question. “Aside from having the same skin tone, they look nothing alike.” I paused. “Well, that’s not entirely true. They both have brown eyes and dark hair. Rafael’s hair is much longer than Michael’s. He’s taller, younger, and he has a more muscular build. He doesn’t have the same accent, and his personality is very different from Michael’s. His cologne is similar, though.”
Cory popped his head inside my office. “Do you ladies want to join Sammi and me for lunch? We’re heading over to Cosi in a half hour.”
Shae and I exchanged glances.
I shrugged. “Sure.”
Cory smiled. “Okay. Meet us in the lobby in thirty minutes. Bring your umbrellas. It’s still pouring out there.”
Shae’s eyes met mine as he walked away. “Are you sure you’re up for this?”
I nodded. “I want to get to know Cory and Sammi better, especially since we’ll be teaching together in Ukraine.”
Shae sighed. “Okay, but I think you should skip school tonight. I’ll tell the professors you’re sick. I’ll copy my notes for you, so you won’t miss anything.”
I frowned into my empty coffee cup. “I don’t want to miss school.”
Shae stood. “Have you missed any classes yet?”
I shook my head. “No.”
She chuckled softly. “You’ll be fine. Consider it a mental health day. Besides, this is our long day at school, and you’re already wrecked. You need to get some rest. You don’t have to see either of the guys tonight. Head home when we normally leave for class. Take a long hot bath, eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, and go to bed.”
I rubbed my hands over my face. “God, that sounds really good.”
Shae paused just inside the doorway. “Then do it. You’ve been going a hundred miles a minute since you returned to DC. No wonder you haven’t healed from Michael.”
* * * * * *
“No!” I screamed. I bolted from bed and stood panting in the center of my room. I began crying as I collapsed onto my knees. I clutched my head and attempted to squeeze the blood soaked images from my mind.
“Kristine?” Rafael rasped as he burst into the room. He was breathing hard, like he had run from his house. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
My eyes frantically sought his. “It’s Michael. Something terrible has happened to Michael.” I curled in on myself as a fresh wave of tears pulled me under.
Rafael kneeled next to me on the floor. He pulled me into his arms. “Kristine, it was just a dream. You had another bad dream.”
I shook my head as I clutched at his arm. “No. This was different. This wasn’t a memory. This wasn’t something that already happened. He was dying. There was blood everywhere. Rafael, I felt him die in my arms.”
Rafael cradled my face in his hands. “Kristine, look at me. You were sleeping. It was a nightmare. Michael is fine.”
I began weeping again. “No. I don’t think he is. Can you call him? Please? Just call and make sure he’s okay. I think something’s wrong. I… I don’t know why, but I can feel it.”
Rafael’s jaw clenched. He silently studied me, then sighed as he conceded. “I’ll call him. Do you want to wait here while I retrieve my cell phone or do you want to come with me, over to my place?”
I shivered as I inventoried the shadows in my room. “I don’t want to be alone.”
Rafael stood and offered me his hand. “Why don’t you grab some clothes and anything else you might need to get ready for work? It’s still early, just after three a.m. We should go back to bed. You can get ready for work at my place after we get a little more sleep.”
I reached for Rafael’s hand. He pulled me into a hug before helping me gather my things. He took my duffle bag and reclaimed my hand as we walked over to his house.
Rafael went into the kitchen to get me a glass of ice water before following me up to his roo
m. He retrieved the cell phone from his dresser, then kissed me on the forehead before going back downstairs.
I felt for the warmest part of his bed, the spot where he had been sleeping. I crawled into bed, settled into that spot, and pulled the covers over my head. I began to relax as I breathed in the spicy scent of his cologne. Rafael’s voice echoed through the house. I couldn’t make out any words, but he suddenly sounded angry.
Rafael joined me in bed a few minutes later. He pulled my back against his chest as he settled in next to me. “Michael is fine. He did the math on the time difference between us and wanted to know what I was doing with you at three o’clock in the morning. He got upset and was demanding answers. I told him I would explain later.”
I sighed. “Thank God he’s okay. I’m sorry, Rafael. The dream felt so real. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had happened to him.” I turned in Rafael’s arms so I could face him. “Why did you tell him that I was the one who was worried? Why didn’t you just tell him that you wanted to check on him?”
His eyebrows furrowed. “I haven’t spoken to Michael for a few months now. We didn’t exactly end the last conversation on good terms.”
I tucked Rafael’s hair behind his ear. “What happened?”
His eyes burned briefly, then softened. “I chewed him out for hurting you, for pushing you away. I demanded he apologize and work things out with you. He refused. I warned him that if he wouldn’t fight for you, then I would. He screamed at me to stay away from you. I told him to go to hell… that he had lost all rights to you when he left you broken on that office floor.”
My heart clenched as memories of that day ripped through my battered brain. “Now he knows we’re together,” I whispered.
Rafael nodded. “I know I owe him an explanation, but I need to sort through how best to approach this. I don’t know that this conversation is appropriate for the phone. I may fly to Paris so we can discuss this in person.” He ran his hand down my arm and sighed. “I’m afraid this will be the wake-up call he’s needed all along. I’m scared he’ll fight for you… that I’ll lose you to him.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you two fighting over me. You’re his brother, and he’s the only family you have left. If Michael had any desire to be with me, he would have approached me by now. Besides, there’s no going back for me. I can’t trust him to be there for me. I can’t bear to be hurt like that again.”