by Rachel Burns
I stretched my arms up to him. I wanted him to pick me up and tell me that he loved me. “Daddy.” With that one word, which I could get out, I tried to say that I needed him, and that I was so very sorry, and that I’d never do it again.
He turned away from me, stood and left. I heard the door lock as he left. After a couple of minutes, I rolled up to sitting. I quickly jumped to my feet to escape the burn from my bottom.
I worried that I’d ruined my marriage. Because I hadn’t behaved, I’d changed things. This was my own fault. I’d had a good thing going, but now that was over.
I lay in bed sobbing and regretting my actions so much that I’d cried myself sick.
I was replaying it over in my head again and again. I pictured myself closing the book after I’d read the promised chapter and then joining daddy in bed. Everything would have been so much better if I’d have just been good.
I felt so dizzy and sick as I stepped closer and closer to my door. I had to lean my hand on the doorframe to support my weight as I took a needed break. I turned the knob.
I exhaled with relief. The door wasn’t locked. I went in and closed the door behind me. I had to lean on it for a bit until I regained the strength to continue.
I pushed away from the door with the flats of my hands. I had to grab hold of my desk before I could continue. I had to concentrate to do the last several steps. It was a straight walk from my desk to the toilet. That was my goal. I needed to be sick so desperately. I had a terrible headache whose roots seemed to be coming from my stomach.
I raced to the bathroom with nonexistence strength, dropping to the floor next to the toilet. I wanted so much to vomit but nothing came. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I had nothing that I could throw up. But I honestly believed that would have helped.
I gave up trying and lay down on the floor and cried.
I wasn’t even trying to be quiet. I wanted my Nanny to come and make everything better. I wanted her to tell me I was a good girl, and that she loved me. I wanted her to bring me to bed and give me a kiss on my forehead. I wanted her to hear me crying and come to me.
I stared at her door. It didn’t open, and after a few moments, I realized it wouldn’t.
It was Friday night. The weekend had begun. I was under his care now, tonight and then two full days.
A fresh wave of tears flowed out of me, lapping against my broken heart.
Strong hands picked me up. My head fell against his chest. He carried me back to his bed. Great, after the effort it had taken just to get to the bathroom. He laid me down in bed again, only this time he laid me on my side and worked on undressing me.
Please, dear God, don’t let him hurt me again. Please God, help me. I have nothing to offer you, but please help me. I sobbed into the pillow in a silent prayer.
He had me naked quickly. I was shaking in fear again. It was already getting dark outside. The temperature drop was noticeable. I shivered.
My heart hurt almost as much as my bottom. I was so afraid of him. He was so much stronger than I was. I didn’t have a breath of a chance.
If he wanted to hit me, he could. If he wanted to rape me, he could.
Was that why he’d insisted on a virgin? That way he could be certain that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Had this all been my fault or was it his? I was so unsure.
He rolled me on my stomach.
I knew it. He wasn’t finished.
He was making noises that I couldn’t place.
I felt him sit down on the bed next to me. I felt him against my leg. What did he plan on doing with me now?
He laid both of his hands on my bottom.
I made a high-pitched noise of protest that he ignored. He was applying some sort of cream to my bottom. It was cooling the only part of me that was warm at the moment. I buried my face into the pillow and cried.
“Hush, Amelia. My love, don’t cry. It’s over. I’m here, sweetheart. Daddy’s here. I’m not mad anymore.” He got up and went to my room. He came right back with my blankets and covered me up. Then he went into his bathroom.
When he came back out, he had his pajamas on. He pulled back his covers and got into bed.
“Here.” He handed me a handkerchief.
I slowly reached for it. When my hand got closer to his, I snatched it and drew it under the blankets to me. I turned my head away from him and wiped my eyes and nose. I tried really hard to stop crying. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me blubber anymore.
“Amelia.”
I couldn’t respond. My heart hurt too much even if my backside was smarting as much as ever.
“Amelia,” he said louder this time.
I was shaking again. Please, don’t let him beat me again, I prayed. I felt so lost and alone.
It had been a mistake to marry him. It had taken me less than a week to realize that. I’d sold my soul to the devil without knowing it. I felt so sorry for myself.
I remembered reaching out to him, and he just walked away. My sobs came even louder than.
I felt his weight shifting on the bed. He was coming closer to me.
Why hadn’t I just answered him? He was going to beat me for ignoring him. I pulled my head under my blankets, like a turtle.
He pushed them aside. “Amelia,” he petted my hair as he sighed. “My little angel, you were so brave. Daddy loves you so much. Please don’t ever make me have to do that again. Be a good little girl.”
“Do you really love me?” I whispered.
“Yes, I really do. You’re the most important thing in the world to me. I really want you to know how much I love you. I’ll never divorce you, no matter how naughty you are,” he laughed.
“No matter what?” I asked.
“No matter what.” He sounded worried.
“Even if I set fire to the rug, color on the walls and draw a mustache on the boy in the picture there?” I pointed to it.
“I’d spank the daylights out of you, but I wouldn’t divorce you.” He sounded playful now too. He was grinning again, like he usually did.
“You haven’t had your dinner yet. You should go eat,” I said solemnly.
“Why do you want me to leave? So you can get started on the rug, the walls and the picture?” he laughed.
“No, Daddy, I wouldn’t do that. I’m usually good; honest I am.” I started crying again.
“Hey, I know that. You’re truly the best little girl in the world. You’re Daddy’s sweetheart. I know that you worry a lot about if I could truly want you, but believe me, I do. A life without you would be so sad for me. Don’t ever leave me. Daddy doesn’t even want to imagine that.” He moved in even closer to me.
He cupped my breast with his hands and played with the nipple for a while. I tried so hard not to shake in fear of him, but my fear came crushing back over me.
He pulled my blanket back. He looked at me for a bit then he got up and came over to my side of the bed.
“I’m sorry, but I have to think about this for a bit. I have to figure out the way that will hurt you the least.”
Oh God no, please no. Help me. Please, I’d never been happy in life, an unloved and unwanted baby, and a truly disliked and hated child. My school years were horrible. The other girls all picked on me and made fun of me because I wasn’t like them, and now this.
Would I never know true love?
I guessed I probably wouldn’t. He was just thinking about himself.
“Can you get on your hands and knees, sweetheart?” He sounded excited, even eager.
I’d begged before to absolutely no avail. Any request now would also fall on deaf ears. I had to obey. I’d been stupid enough to vow that I’d obey him less than a week ago. I held my breath and tried to lift myself up like he wanted. I wasn’t strong enough.
Would he realize that I just wasn’t strong enough?
“Let me help you.” He picked me up and laid me on top of the blankets. He bunched them up under my stomac
h. My backside was high in the air again. My face was pushing into the mattress.
I felt his hands on my hips. He was steadying me. Then he pushed into me. He thrust into me carefully at first, but as he got more and more excited, he got rougher and rougher until his body was slamming into mine full force.
I hadn’t had anything to drink all day either, how could I have so many tears left in me.
He went on for what seemed like forever. He called out my name and then collapsed on top of me. His weight pushed me down, pinning me where I was. I couldn’t move, and I could hardly breathe.
I had to runaway from him, the sooner the better. I had three hundred dollars hidden under a floorboard in my room back at my father’s house. It hadn’t seemed like much a couple of weeks ago, but now I felt that it was more than enough for me to survive on.
If I could get away from him and get that money, I could start a new life for myself. The life I should have started two weeks ago.
If only I’d been a bit braver. A thousand and one things that I could have done differently went through my head while he kissed me and told me that he loved me.
Finally, he pulled out of me and went off to the bathroom. I tried and tried to get off of my blankets and get under them. I didn’t want him to come back and see me with my bottom still up high.
There was nothing for it. I had to roll onto my backside and off the blankets, removing my weight from them to be able to get under them. I was panting in my effort, but I managed it just in time. He came out, and I pretended to sleep.
Daddy sat down next to me on the bed. He rearranged my blankets and tucked me in lovingly. I pretended to stir a little as he did that. He kissed my forehead and left.
He was probably going to get something to eat. It had been over twenty-four hours since I’d last eaten anything. This was just like at my father’s.
I was so sad that my fingers were tingling. I mourned what could have been.
The signs had all been there from the beginning. I just hadn’t known how to read them. I also remembered my father saying that I couldn’t come back no matter what. He’d known why Brian wanted me. He hated me even more than I thought.
I wished he’d killed me as a baby. He should have drowned me in the bathtub and claimed it was an accident. That would have been kinder than this. He’d known that Brian wasn’t right in the head.
Sick, that had been the word my father had said when Brian picked me up. He knew beyond a doubt, and he let him take me anyway.
A new sadness and self-pity took me, ripping at my heart. I was the most unloved person in the world.
Chapter 10 – Showing His True Self
Nanny had been waiting outside of the bedroom door, waiting for Brian to come out. “Sir, another word.” Her face was pinched, and her words dripped with hate.
How dare he hurt her child like that and directly after she’d warned him?
Brian continued on walking, guessing what she wanted to say. Amelia had pulled a lot of monkey business just now, first holding her breath and then screaming at the top of her lungs. He’d remained steadfast even though he figured that the whole house had heard that spanking and probably thought the worst.
Nanny followed behind him and spoke in whispers so no one would hear their private conversation. “Sir, a child with her self-esteem problems shouldn’t have been spanked again. Instead, reassuring words would have been better.”
Brian stopped at the top of the stairs and looked into Nanny’s worried eyes. Had she not spanked Amelia for the same reason? Why was he the bad guy?
“I’d like to make this very clear, so I’ll speak very plainly. She’s my wife. Amelia and I are married. I can’t be replaced, you can.” He continued down the stairs.
Nanny went to her room and worried about her precious child.
Brian sat down at his huge dining room table all alone. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Amelia should be at his side. This wasn’t how he’d planned things.
She was rejecting him and his way of life. But first, she’d pretended to be okay with it. Things had been perfect the past week, right up until last night.
Why had God made him the way he was if he didn’t have a female counterpart for him?
His butler brought in his dinner. Brian noticed that the staff were all looking at him like he was a monster. They’d been giving him odd looks the whole time. He’d even heard one mention that he hoped that the house never set on fire, or she’d be a goner because she was locked in.
Brian replayed what had all happened in his head while he ate. He thought about her childhood. Nanny had told him that she hid from her father all day. He’d never touched her. She’d admitted that to him personally.
Had he been too harsh?
Why did her saying that she wanted to leave set him off so?
He knew the answer to that one. She was a once in a lifetime chance for him to live out his dreams. He’d never find another woman like her. He didn’t love her yet, but she was growing on him.
Or better said, the person she’d pretended to be had been growing on him. She just realized the power she had to hurt him. She was the first person he was honestly showing his real self to, and she rejected him.
Realization hit, that had been why he’d spanked her. Brian felt like hurling his plate of food at the wall. He was still mad. He needed her to want this life with him.
Brian closed his eyes and saw her face as she reached up to him and said Daddy. Had she meant that? Or was she back to acting?
Was there still a chance that things could work out for them? He got up from the table determined to mold her into the perfect wife.
Brian went back to her and found her lying naked and cold on her bathroom floor. He carried her to his bed. She was confused and so scared, like a child.
Brian talked to her again and made love to her. Afterwards, he tucked her in. They still had so much time to get to know each other.
Love would come with time.
***
Daddy was already inside of me when I woke up the next morning. He had me on my back again. He was already thrusting in earnest.
I hoped he’d soon be finished.
He was. He collapsed onto me again. His weight pushed the air out of me and wouldn’t allow me to take the deep breath that I so needed.
I figured I’d to draw attention to this fact, but then he pushed up and out of me. He was off to the bathroom again.
I hadn’t been to the bathroom in so long, and I needed to go too, but I didn’t think that I could get up just yet. I’d have to wait for him to come back and then ask him for help. Tears rolled out of my eyes again.
This was ridiculous. I needed to keep what water I had inside of me. My lips were already dry and chapped. I was desperate for something to drink, but at the same time I needed to pee so badly.
These two basic needs conflicted with each other. I was so far gone that I imagine myself sitting on the toilet peeing and drinking a huge glass of cool water at the same time.
He came back out. I tried to focus on him. My throat was so dry that I had difficulties forming my words. “I need – help. I have to – go – to the bathroom.” I felt the tears running down the sides of my face. My cheeks burnt in shame. I watched to see his reaction. I believed him capable of anything in the meantime.
“Of course, sweetheart.” He picked me up and brought me into his bathroom. I saw that he was letting water into the bathtub. He sat me down on the toilet. It didn’t hurt as bad as I figured it would. I was numb to the pain now, already getting used to it. He stayed by my side waiting for me to go.
“Relax. It’s just Daddy here.” He stayed next to me waiting. I tensed up so much that I just couldn’t go.
I concentrated on the running bathwater and tried to relax my breathing. I closed my eyes and finally the painful release came. I’d be spared nothing in this marriage.
“Good girl.” He looked so pleased with me. I was just happy to be rid of one
of my problems.
I tried to get up to wash my hands, but I didn’t have the strength for that either.
Daddy grabbed me under my arm and helped me to my feet. He flushed the toilet before he walked me to the sink. There, he turned on the water and held my hands under the cool water for a bit, and then he soaped them up and rinsed them again. “Daddy will take care of his little girl.”
I nodded and tried to smile. The sadness that had taken a tight grip on me was still there. My smile probably looked as fake as it really was.
He picked me up and put me into the bathtub.
The warm water felt so good. The heat of the water hurt my backside, but the rest of my body was thankful for its warmth. It soothed my sore muscles that I hadn’t even noticed were hurting yet.
I wanted so desperately to be clean again. The water was so warm that it was making me sleepy. The bathwater was full of bubbles, or I’d have dunked my mouth in the water and quenched my thirst. I was already eyeing the water coming out of the faucet. It was steaming hot. Would it help me?
Daddy took off his pajama bottoms and got into the water too. He moved in really close to me. He took a washcloth and soaped it up good before he started to clean me up.
“Lean your head back,” he requested.
He was holding me by my shoulders and gently tilting me back. My hands grabbed on to his shoulders.
Was he going to drown me? Would that be a bad thing?
I wondered how he’d get rid of the body. My father would never come looking for me or ask any uncomfortable questions.
I noticed that as I leaned back that my breasts stuck up out of the water. I hoped he wouldn’t notice them.
Daddy was massaging my scalp. He washed my hair even more gently than Nanny could. He then rinsed out the soap. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, Daddy will be very careful not to get any soap in your eyes.” He sat me up again, and then he even put conditioner in my hair.
Daddy took his time about that too. He made sure it was evenly spread, and he paid extra attention to the ends. “You have the prettiest hair of all the little girls I’ve ever seen. How long have you been growing it out?”