by Rachel Burns
I thought they should be looking at my wedding ring, but they didn’t think that I was that far advanced.
Daddy was walking towards me.
“I hit my head,” I whined.
“I heard.” He smiled at me and picked me up in his arms and carried me back to one of the rooms.
The mothers had been smiling as we left. They thought I was cute. They should have seen me throwing up a few minutes ago. I hadn’t been so cute then.
The room Daddy took me to was big and bright with a glass wall and a huge glass desk.
Daddy laid me down on an examination table with paper on it. He looked at the bump. “Amelia, how did you do that?” he scolded me.
“Nanny said I passed out.”
He turned to look at Nanny. “Why did she pass out?”
I wondered what she was going to say. Would she tell him that I’d asked her to tell me what to do so I wouldn’t get hit?
“It came out of nowhere. She’d just woken up from her nap and had to go to the bathroom. It happened when she was washing her hands. She just fell down.”
He turned his attention back to me. His eyes narrowed in on me. “Has that ever happened before?”
I tried to think if it had, but I came up with nothing. “No, Daddy.”
“Nevertheless, you need stitches. And you threw up too?”
Nanny answered for me. “Twice in the meantime, sir. Just now, here, about five minutes ago.”
“So you got a concussion. Daddy will make it better. Nanny held onto her while I get the things I need to fix her up. Nanny was right to bring you in.” He hurried off.
“When is the doctor coming, Nanny?”
She tried to stifle a laugh when Daddy came back in with a nurse.
The nurse smiled at me brightly. “It’s so nice meeting you.” She was one of those perky blond types, the type that had always felt sorry for me at school.
“It’s nice to meet you too,” I answered her with as much of a smile as I could muster up while Daddy was carefully parting my hair out of the way so he could better see where I’d hit my head.
“Alcohol,” he called out, and the nurse handed it to him. He took it without really looking at it or at her. He dabbed it on my open gash. It burnt. “You’re doing really well, Amelia.”
The nurse handed him strange looking needles. “Doctor,” she said.
My eyes darted back to the desk. The back of the picture frame had looked so familiar to me. If I stood up and went over to the picture and turned it around, would I see myself in a wedding dress and him in a tuxedo?
He was looking at me, watching me as the wheels turned in my head. How fitting, he was a pediatrician, who worked with children every day. And he thought that they were so cute that he wanted one all to himself.
Why hadn’t he adopted?
Sex, I answered my own question. He wanted to have sex with his little girl. Me walking into my father’s office in my school uniform, my father kicking me out, he saw an opportunity and jumped at it, my mind jumped from one thing to the next. I flinched; he’d started sewing.
“I’ll be very careful so the scar is tiny. You’re lucky. As a doctor’s wife, you don’t have to wait for hours to get an appointment.” he continued to babble on so I wouldn’t say anything.
I couldn’t have if I’d have wanted to. It was so obvious now. Of course, he hadn’t wanted me for me. How naïve was I in my hope?
He wanted someone to play this game with him, and I’d been at the right place at the right time. It could have very easily been someone else.
I was in no way special to him, other than that he’d already invested a lot of time and money in me. I felt my depression coming back in full force.
My thoughts circled around escape. How could I get myself out of this mess? Would he let me go, now that I knew?
He wouldn’t, he’d beat me if I tried.
I couldn’t run unless it was foolproof. Until then, I had to continue to play along and keep in mind that this wasn’t a game to him. Daddy took this very seriously. He saw me as his.
He was finished. I looked him in the eyes. I had tears in mine, as usual.
He looked back at me for a second and then turned away and put his things back on the tray. He gave the tray to the nurse who turned and left then.
I knew Nanny was still in the room too, but I only had eyes for him. I was watching him like I thought he’d offer an explanation for his actions.
I just knew that he hadn’t married me out of love. He’d been intrigued with me. Basically, I fit the bill, young but old enough for this to be legal, a virgin, in desperate need of a home.
I felt so ashamed of myself. My father had set me up for this with his hate for me. I’d never know love in life.
And the truth was that I was just as guilty as he was. I didn’t marry him for love either. I’d liked that he paid attention to me. Not a good reason to marry someone. I’d been too chicken to live on my own. I’d wanted someone to care for me. I set myself up too.
I heard the door open and then close. I looked up to see who had come in. No one had. I looked around the room. Nanny was gone. It was just us. He had a hand on my knee. He moved me so I was sitting up.
Dozens of questions went through my head, but the question I asked was so elemental that it would decide if I’d try to stay or not. “Do you even love me?” I asked it as if this were something so impossible, so unthinkable that it couldn’t be.
His jaw dropped in surprise. “Amelia, you’re the most important thing in my life. I love you more than my own life. I’d do anything for you.” He sat down on his doctor chair. He took my hands in his, and he looked up to me.
“Would you stop?” I asked him.
His head sank. He laid it on our hands. He didn’t answer.
We sat there in silence for a long time until I couldn’t take it anymore. I sighed in my disappointment.
I raised my head up and looked away from him. I thought about the picture our bodies would present to someone who saw us. He was holding onto me with his head bowed to me. I was sitting up straight and looking away from him. He was begging, and I was saying no and pushing him away.
“I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and that I’ve hurt you, but I’m learning. Things will get better. You’ll like your life with me. We can be happy with each other. I know we can be, Amelia.” He was looking up at me now.
I saw it out of the corner of my eye. I had my eyes fixed on the window. I looked out at another glass building. It reflected all the buildings surrounding us.
I remember begging him to stop. I remember holding on to his leg for dear life while he whipped me. I was so alone. More alone than the loneliness I’d been trying to avoid. My head sank too. I’d never be happy.
“My greatest wish was to be happy. I envisioned the sun shining down on me. I imagined holding someone’s hand and being loved and wanted, for me.” The tears silently fell from my eyes.
I gave myself a mental shake. I was just keeping him from his patients. If he were sleeping with me, then he wouldn’t hurt them. I served a purpose, my life for theirs.
I pulled my hands away from his. “This is fine now.” I pointed to my head. “I won’t bother you anymore.” I slipped down to the floor. I wasn’t so dizzy anymore. I still didn’t meet his eye.
“I can do this better. Give me a chance, Amelia. I’ll show you.” He laid his head against my stomach.
“Does it matter? If things don’t work out, you wouldn’t let me leave anyway. The only escape for me is out of a second story window.” I tried to push away from him.
He wouldn’t let me go, proving me right.
“Nanny is waiting,” I told him.
“She can wait. Don’t worry about her.” He was trying to catch my eye, but I kept darting them around, avoiding him. “I’m not finished with you yet. I need to find out why you passed out.”
“I can tell you why.” I was trying to get out of the deadlock hold he had on me
.
“Tell me.” He was calm, acting like I wasn’t pushing him away with all my might.
I stopped and looked at him. “Because I realized I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I realized that no matter what I did I’d end up getting hit. I don’t have a breath of a chance.”
“Amelia, don’t see it that way. I really do want to take care of you and be good to you.”
“But I’m afraid of you. So afraid.” I looked away again. “I’m constantly afraid that I’ll do some little thing that you don’t like, and you’ll hit me again. I have to ask myself if my next action will get you mad. You can’t imagine being that afraid of someone.”
I sighed. “I have to protect myself. If I don’t do it, no one will. I have to look out for me.”
“I’m protecting you. I’ll look out for you,” he told me.
“No. It doesn’t matter. I’ve always had to do it. I’m used to it. I can do it. I’ve had a lot of practice. I just made one mistake.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” He held me closer.
“Yes, you do. It’s all part of it, having that much power over me. You have the power to hurt me or to be nice to me. When you’re nice, I have to wonder how long. If you’re hurting me, I have to wonder if I’ll survive it.”
He squeezed me even tighter hurting me, again proving me right.
I broke down and sobbed as he held me. He seemed oblivious to my tears. I was so young and already my life was over. I felt my sadness running through my body. It was like needle pricks all over my skin ending and lingering at my fingertips.
I’d been married less than two weeks, and I already hated it. There was no way out of it.
He set me down and let me go. He opened a drawer that was within his reach. “I need to take some blood.” He didn’t meet my eyes. “You have a concussion so I need to control your heartbeat if you sleep. I think the best thing is to stay up really late tonight. Do you want to watch a couple of movies?”
I got the point; we were going to pretend that the conversation hadn’t happen. That was probably the best for me anyway. Then I might not be punished for it.
“Amelia, movie night?” He’d completely regained his composure.
“Sure, why not.” My basic instinct to keep myself safe kicked in. He had my arm laid out with the palm of my hand facing up. Just like when he gave me my medicine.
The routine of this was already in place with the only difference being that this time he was taking something out. He was very quick about it, and it didn’t hurt. I hardly noticed that he was doing it. He could be so gentle when he wanted to be.
I thought about the lashes on my back, he didn’t always want to be.
“Or maybe we could go to a Broadway show? Would you like that? My secretary can get us tickets for something. Should I ask her to try? I just have a couple of hours to work, and then we could go out for dinner and a show. You know, do something typical for New York.”
“I’m not dressed for anything like that, and I was sick recently.” I was still too depressed for something like that. I just wanted to go to bed and lick my wounds.
“Nanny can take you shopping while I finish up here. I have other clothes here too. They’re still here from my dating days.” He smiled at that thought.
I had to wonder who he’d dated. I hoped it wasn’t patients of his: girls old enough to go to their doctor’s appointment alone, but not old enough to sign a contract?
“It’s expected of me to be at certain places at certain times with a date. You’re going to have to do that with me now. If we’re together, then it will be fun. Not the chore it used to be. Come on, say yes. The sooner you say yes the sooner we can make reservations.”
I was just looking at him. He seemed so different from at home. He couldn’t hit me in a crowd of people, could he?
“Sure. Dinner and a show,” I said.
Was that what he wanted to hear?
Daddy got up and went to his phone. He pressed down on a button and started speaking. He told his secretary what he wanted, his secretary not a nurse.
“What do you actually do?” I asked when he came back to me.
His mood was elated. “Well, as you’ve seen today, I’m a pediatrician, and because of who I am, I also have business matters to tend to. I operate out of here. Like I said before we were married, everything is legal.” He leaned in and kissed me.
The door flew open, and a nurse came in. It was a different one. She stood there with her mouth hanging open.
I looked down and laughed a little. I could guess what she was thinking. She wasn’t that far from the truth either. I’d just never been a patient of his beforehand.
He was smiling and trying not to laugh.
“Mary, come in and meet my wife.”
She looked so relieved. I reached my hand out to her and smiled at her.
“How do you do. It’s a pleasure to meet you. He talks nonstop about you.” She was babbling in her nervousness.
“All good, I hope.” I said, automatically.
He was still leaning in on me. I felt a burst of air on my ear as he laughed at that.
“Yes, of course. He speaks very positively about you.” She blushed even more.
I smiled at her. Then I looked at him. His face was so close to mine. We probably did look like the newlyweds that we actually were.
“Mrs. Wittman wants to know what is taking so long. She has another appointment at five that she can’t miss.”
“Well then, we can’t have Mrs. Wittman’s hairdresser waiting for her when she has a sick child. I’ll be right with her.” He was acting so playfully.
The nurse left. She was probably glad to get out of the embarrassing situation.
He let his finger slide down my cheekbone. “Wait here. Nanny will come and get you. I want you to buy an incredibly expensive dress and everything that goes with it and then come back to me here, and I’ll take you out on the town. Show you off a little.” He kissed me again. This was him, trying to be normal. How long could he do that?
He walked to the door and stopped and turned to me before he opened it. “Get your hair and nails done. If you want I can hold up Mrs. Wittman, and you can have her appointment?” he joked.
I was so surprised by this new side of him that I laughed.
He opened the door and left.
I waited, and Nanny didn’t come in. I stood up and looked around.
I quickly dashed over to his desk. On it was one of the wedding pictures we’d chosen for the frame. It was the one of him holding me close with the flowers in between us.
The picture looked perfect, the black of his suit and the white of my dress and the white roses and the green leaves.
The picture looked like we’d been together for years and had finally tied the knot.
The truth that we were practically strangers was hidden in our hearts.
Chapter 13 – Playing Dress-Up
“Nanny, a quick word.” Brian pulled her into an empty room. “My little girl wants to play dress up tonight. Take her shopping and get her something elegant, something for a much older girl but something that she likes. I’m taking her out to dinner and then to a show. Have her back here dressed, styled and ready by six. You can have the night off then.”
He left a very mad looking Nanny behind him.
***
Nanny came in and found me behind his desk. Her look was scolding enough. She motioned for me to come forward.
I did.
She didn’t say anything to me.
She turned, and I followed her out. I heard the nurses talking.
“Why didn’t you tell me his wife was here? I walked in on them kissing.” I blushed as I listened to the nurses talking.
The others laughed.
“It’s not funny. I thought the worst when I saw them. I was so shocked thinking – ”
“Yes?” one of the other nurses asked, obviously entertained by all of this.
�
�Never mind what I thought. I just hope I don’t get fired.”
“What did you say?” Another nurse asked.
Nanny pulled me out of the door. She gave me an odd look. I was smirking at their conversation. “You’re certainly feeling a lot better.”
I followed her without saying a word.
We went shopping again. This time we went into a boutique. It was just like I’d imagined. Very elegant with brightly colored dresses.
Nanny spoke with the saleslady. I looked at the dresses they had here. This was like the stuff that stars wore to the Oscar’s.
The saleslady smiled at me, and she pointed the way to the fitting room. She brought several dresses for me to try on. Again I loved the first one.
“Nanny, isn’t it beautiful?” I turned around in front of the mirror, smiling at myself. I did feel a little more grown up now.
“You can’t have that. Go try on another one.” She was shaking her head and biting her lower lip.
“But Nanny, this one is nice. There isn’t anything wrong with it.”
Nanny grabbed my arm and turned me. She pushed my hair to the side. “Look in the mirror.” Her teeth were gritted together.
I looked over my shoulder and saw what she meant. I nodded and moved my hair to cover up my whip marks that could be easily seen. I returned to the changing room and went through the dresses, discarding those, which showed too much back.
I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I removed the dress and put on a dark blue one. It covered my back nicely, but it had a plunging V-neck, but it wasn’t indecent. It looked good with the bra I already had on.
I liked that it didn’t show too much, but I wasn’t all covered up like a little girl either. My arms weren’t covered up. The dress went down to mid-calf. It looked like a cloud around my legs. It was truly elegant but all the fun was gone.
I wondered if my back would ever heal or if I had to live with the scars the rest of my life. However, short my life might be.
I stepped out to Nanny. She got up and inspected the dress. “Yes, Daddy will approve of this one. You look very nice, Amelia.”