by Rachel Burns
Daddy had a very dark side to him. I believed that he was capable of anything.
But I loved him. He was the only person who had ever cared about me. I needed that, so I latched onto him and obeyed him. When I did, my life was good. He showered me with attention.
When he was at home with me, I had his complete and absolute attention. He enjoyed spending his time with me. He never had a look on his face, like he was longing to be someplace else, or be doing something else.
I just had to act like a little girl, and he was thrilled.
He dressed me in pretty clothes, always in a dress. I got to wear ribbons in my hair.
He’d bring them home for me, like other husbands brought home flowers. He’d wind the satin ribbon around his finger and come into the house and ask me which hand, while grinning.
I’d choose a hand, and he showed me. If I wasn’t right, he’d move his head in a silly way and say, ‘try again’. He’d show me his hand, and I got to unravel the pretty ribbon from his finger.
It made beautiful loops as I pulled it away from his finger.
He’d then tie it into my hair while I smiled, like any other girl my age would if she’d have been given a Mercedes.
“Nanny, I want you to watch her today. Maybe a relaxing day reading will get her on track again.” Daddy’s word was final.
Nanny didn’t argue, even though she’d wanted me to do some new penmanship exercises, which Daddy had given her.
I was dyslexic.
Daddy brought home any book he could find about the subject. A doctor could find lots. At least fifty books on the subject had entered the house in the past two weeks.
He even had an expert come to the house and test me under his and Nanny’s watchful eye. You’d have thought I was being tested for a life threatening disease, the way they acted.
I’d tested as being hopelessly dyslexic. The most extreme case the expert had ever had.
I cried all day until Nanny threatened to lay me over her knee.
Daddy felt sorry for me, and that was the day he started bringing ribbons home.
“Of course, sir,” she answered him, but she didn’t look too pleased.
“She’s probably just getting her period,” he said matter of factually.
Doctors talked normally about things that embarrass other people.
Well, at least Daddy did. The human body was no mystery to him, especially not mine.
In that way, we had a real marriage.
Sex was very important to him. We slept with each other at least twice a day. On weekends, a lot more. I guess we were still newlyweds in that respect. I’d just experienced so much here that I felt like we’d been married for years and years.
Not a good sign. This would be my first period while being married. I had to wonder about that, how would he react?
Like I said, his daily sex was very important to him.
I looked over at Nanny who looked like she was wondering about the same thing. She started in discussing the book she was reading with him.
They loved to discuss my difficulties.
Different forms of therapy were discussed. At the moment, they were discussing how I might write under hypnoses.
I wondered about that, too. It was really a good question. I’d love to see if I could possibly do better.
“Amelia,” Daddy called out to me. “What are you thinking about?”
“If I did really well, do you think we could frame it?”
Nanny had been sipping coffee at that moment and almost choked on it, trying to stifle a laugh. Daddy was just laughing. “Of course, sweetheart. Whatever you want.”
He’d left a happy man. He wasn’t worried about my stomachache.
I was. I even knew what was wrong with me. I hadn’t been to the bathroom for a couple of days now.
I’d been to the bathroom to go pee pee, as Daddy called it, but not the other thing. That was my problem.
Nanny was in her room, doing whatever she does in there. She’d left all the doors open in case I needed her.
I decided it was time to ask for help. I just had to swallow my pride.
I got up from my window seat, and my stomach rumbled loudly again. I walked out of my room and through my closet, which was larger than my bedroom back home had been. I walked on through my bathroom and stopped at the door, which adjoined to Nanny’s room. She was sitting at her desk and reading one of the dyslexia books. There was a big pile of them next to her on her desk.
I timidly knocked on the doorframe. She turned and looked at me oddly. She had the look about her like I’d interrupted her at the climax of the story.
“Yes, Amelia.” She’d remained sitting.
I didn’t want to shout out my problem. “May I come in?” I asked.
“Yes, of course, child.” She said that to me a lot. She was just like Daddy that way. Nanny truly believed that I was a child, she wasn’t pretending.
I slowly walked up to her and stopped at a bit of a distance. I folded my hands in front of me and hung my head, but I could still see Nanny. She’d raised an eyebrow at me.
“I think, I know what is wrong with me,” I whispered.
“Really?” She stood up and came right to me. She laid her hands on my shoulders and tried to look me in the eyes.
“Nanny, I haven’t been able to – Not for a couple of days already. I think I just have to – If I could just – ” I looked into her eyes then, to see if she already understood what I wanted.
She didn’t, so I continued. “I haven’t been able to go to the bathroom for a couple of days.”
Her eyes widened.
“I mean, I’ve been able to go the regular way, but not the other way.” I was very embarrassed.
She sighed with relief. “That’s not a problem. I can fix that really quickly. You’re a very good girl for coming to tell Nanny that. I’ll help you.” She smiled very lovingly at me.
Nanny let go of me. It was clear that she was confident abut how to handle this.
She was already turning me back into my bathroom. “Nanny is going to give you an enema. Do you know what that is?”
I shook my head.
“It’s the thing that’s going to make you feel all better.” She smiled kindly at me.
I nodded, that sounded good.
“Don’t be shocked. This is how it’s done. First, we need to get you out of your dress and underwear.” She was fishing around in my cupboard. She pulled out something that looked like an IV bag.
I removed my underwear and my dress after Nanny had opened it in the back for me.
Nanny washed me almost every day, so I was used to her seeing me naked.
Both her and Daddy thought this was something I couldn’t do myself.
Nanny got everything ready, and I stood there half naked waiting, hoping that she really could help me.
The real problem was that I just wasn’t moving around enough. Things couldn’t be set in motion like they should. I was only allowed in my room and bathroom and Daddy’s room and bathroom. At mealtime we went down to lunch through Nanny’s room, but afterwards it was right back up here.
Nanny and Daddy kept me locked in. They were worried that I’d run away.
They were right to be worried.
I’d had a couple of chances to leave, but I didn’t. I’d been too scared, but one of these days I’d be able to muster the courage to do so.
There was also the problem that I loved my Daddy. I wasn’t sure if it was real and true love, or if it was that Stockholm Syndrome thing, but I wanted to be with him, and I worried about him.
When he punished me, I hated him, and myself, too, because I’d been too chicken to run away, but otherwise, I loved to spend time with him.
I watched what Nanny was doing. She pulled my chair out, the one I always sat at while she did my hair, also something no one believed that I could do on my own. When she spanked me, she had me put the chair in the middle of the room. Today it was turned around
facing into the room.
She sat down on it. “Amelia, come over my lap. Nanny is going to put all of this into your behind.” She lifted up the plastic bag full of liquid. “Then we’re going to let it stay in for a bit. After that, you’ll be able to go, and your stomachache will be gone.”
She was good at saying very embarrassing things as if they weren’t, too.
Going over her knees had always meant intense pain for me. I hovered next to her with my hands still folded over my stomach. The moment of actually going from standing to getting over her knees was something I hadn’t mastered yet.
“Maybe if you kneel down first,” she said this very kindly.
I knelt down next to her and made my way over her knees. This way was really a lot easier.
I also took comfort in the fact that I didn’t have my paddle in my hand. She always made me go get it before she spanked me with it. Once I was over her knees, I had to reach back and give it to her after she asked for it. Afterwards, I had to wait for her to give it back to me so I could put it away.
It embarrassed me deeply that I got spankings from both Daddy and Nanny.
My bottom was high in the air over her lap, and I was supporting my own weight with my hands and tippy-toes.
I thought about what I must look like over her knees this way. I had a white blouse on with lace around the sleeves and of course white knee high socks, and I always wore black princess shoes with all of my outfits.
All of my outfits were something any five-year-old girl would die for.
“Now Nanny really needs you to relax, or I won’t be able to get the nozzle in.” As she spoke, she was already inserting it. I supposed I was relaxed as someone like me could be, over her Nanny’s lap where she usually was spanked with a heavy wooden paddle.
“Now this may be a little uncomfortable.”
I rolled my eyes as she continued.
“But five minutes of a bit of pain needs to be endured. Then everything will come out like it should.”
My eyes widened at the words ‘a bit of pain’. What would someone who, was sadistic, like Nanny, consider a bit of pain?
She let the liquid flow into my bowels as I hung over her lap face down with lots of blood rushing to my face. It wasn’t as much painful, as it was uncomfortable, more unusual than uncomfortable.
After ten minutes of dangling over her lap, she said I could get up and try.
It had been very effective.
Nanny insisted on a nap afterwards.
Nanny woke me for lunch. I was feeling fine then. Nanny was happy to have helped.
She wanted me to play school with her after lunch.
I did, and we worked on my penmanship and other tricks that Nanny had been dying to show me. I didn’t notice any improvement.
After an hour or so, I had to go to the bathroom. I’d gotten my period. Should I tell Nanny, or wait and tell Daddy. What was expected of me?
I was in the bathroom for a bit before I came back out. Nanny was eyeing me.
“Are you all cleaned out now?” she asked.
“Yes, I was right away this morning, but I just got my period.” I blushed red as I confessed this.
She’d kept such close tabs on it last time that I thought that maybe it was better I just told her. Maybe she’d tell Daddy for me, so I wouldn’t have to.
“Are you feeling all right? Do you want to lie down for a bit?” She laid her arm around my shoulders, like I was a little girl who had stubbed her toe.
“I’m fine, Nanny. We can continue.”
“If you want to take a break, you can. Just let me know.”
I nodded and sat down at my desk. I had a learning corner in my bedroom with and old fashion desk and bookshelves full of schoolbooks and other learning material.
Nanny was a governess, as well as a nanny. She taught me this and that, letting me study on my own a lot, because, she said, I was very concentrated.
She had me write essays and do math things all by myself.
Both she and Daddy took this very seriously.
I figured they just didn’t want me to think about the fact that I was locked in.
I thought about that a lot.
We studied this and that, and I tried to concentrate, but I was worried about what would happen.
Would Daddy be mad?
A little girl didn’t get a period.
How would he react to that?
“Amelia!” Nanny clapped her hands in my face. I’d been daydreaming. She caught me.
“I’m sorry, Nanny.”
“Yes, I believe you. Get the stick.”
I nodded red faced and stood to get it for her. I picked it up and stepped down to her. I handed it to her.
“Thank you, Amelia. Lean over your desk.”
The desk was technically too high for me to lean over, but I knew that she would grab my ear and pull until I was over it, if I didn’t manage it myself.
I got up on my tippy-toes and bent over the desk.
Nanny flipped the back of my skirt over my back.
She hit me. I hadn’t expected it yet. I cried out in my surprise.
Normally, she’d have pulled my underwear down, too.
The next blow came. I grabbed onto the top of my desk and swore to myself that I’d never daydream again.
The next blow followed quickly after.
My knuckles turned white, and I grabbed onto the desk for more support. The tears were already flowing freely from my eyes. My breaths were coming in in short jerks. I was starved for a decent breath of air.
The next blow came, and my shoulders rose up like they wanted to swallow my head. I wanted to hide away like a turtle, but my bottom was up high for her, an easy target.
Another blow, and I was crying aloud. I always tried not to, but I never managed it.
The next blow had me promising her that I’d never daydream like that again.
It wouldn’t take much, and I’d be promising my soul away.
I was concentrated now, I told her. I just wanted her to stop.
The next blow was harder than the rest. Was that a sign that it was over?
“Amelia, stand up and right yourself again.”
I dropped back down to the floor slowly lowering my feet until they were completely on the floor. My dress slid back down covering my abused bottom. I pet my skirt down with my hands. I was shaking so terribly.
I took a deep breath before I turned to Nanny, to take the yardstick from her.
She nodded in approval.
I leaned it against the bookshelf and sat back down at my desk. I felt so dazed and out of it, but the reason for the lesson was to get more concentrated.
I took a tissue from under my desk and wipe my eyes as my chest quivered, taking in little tiny sips of breath. I wipe my nose clean and then looked up at Nanny.
She continued teaching as of nothing had happened.
With time I relaxed a bit.
I was prepared when she gave me a quiz about what she’d just taught. It involved lots of writing.
Nanny didn’t stay in the room with me when I took a test.
When I was finished, I checked my answers and flipped the test over, placing it on the upper right hand corner of my desk.
I got out a learning toy and worked quietly until Nanny came to collect my test. She looked at what I was doing and quietly left, taking my test with her.
I quickly got bored with math and cleaned up.
After that, I got the basket out with my needlework and continued where I’d left off.
Nanny had me embroidering handkerchiefs. I enjoyed sitting on the soft cushions in my window seat.
I reflected on my day. Nanny had helped me, and then I pushed her into giving me a spanking by not paying attention. I hoped my test would be perfect, and that she wouldn’t be mad at me anymore.
She never talked to me after a spanking in school. If she spanked me with her paddle, then she had me sit on her lap, and cuddled me after my spankin
g. She told me she loved me after those. She didn’t in the classroom.
I felt so unsure. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I needed her to like me and to love me. Nanny and Daddy were the only people in my life. I needed to feel wanted by them.
I’d never had that feeling before, and now that I’d gotten a taste of it, I didn’t want to let it go.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and saw Nanny looking at me, strangely.
“I’m so sorry, Nanny. It will never happen again. I’ll pay attention from now on.” I threw my arms around her neck and sobbed on her shoulder.
“There, there, darling. Don’t cry. Nanny loves you so much. Don’t cry.” She petted my hair as I sobbed on her shoulder.
“Amelia, your Daddy will soon be home. I want you to go to the bathroom and clean yourself up for Daddy. Go on.” She was smiling at me so kindly, as she pushed me away from her and held my head in her hands.
“Go on.” She gave me a push in the right direction.
I hurried because I really didn’t want him to see me this way.
Nanny hooked her arm in mine and brought me downstairs to eat. I knew out of experience that she’d head Daddy off and tell him about my turbulent day and misdeeds.
We sat down and waited. Daddy came in seconds later, and Nanny stood to greet him and to (let’s call a spade a spade) and to tattle. They always went into his office for this.
Nanny and Daddy came in and sat down. Daddy leaned over and smiled at me, like I was his favorite niece. “Which hand?”
I pointed at his left shoulder. He grinned even more and shook his head. I pointed to his right shoulder. He brought his hand forward, and I saw the ribbon wrapped around his finger.
“Wow. Thank you Daddy.” It was white with a pink stripe in the middle. I picked up the end of the ribbon and pulled it up and away from his finger. It curled away in giant loops. “This is the prettiest one yet.”
Once I had it completely off his finger, he got up and came around to stand behind me. He removed the ribbon in my hair and tied the new one in my hair.