by Rachel Burns
He would probably kill me for saying that. I just couldn’t stand his pretending that everything was okay. “You locked me in and kept me away from my child. You hated me.”
He did something I never saw him do before. He cried. Not just a few tears in his eyes but really crying. His shoulders were shaking and looked so broken.
I cried, and he cried alongside of me. He left his arm around me. I couldn’t stop crying, and neither could he. I felt so sad, but this was the first time I didn’t feel alone with my problems.
I was glad that he wasn’t pretending that everything was okay, because it wasn’t. I was still scared of him.
“I can’t believe what I all did to you. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I love you so much. Please, forgive me. I’ll be so much better now, I promise.”
I didn’t believe him. I believed that he really thought that he would change his ways, but people can’t change that dramatically. Well, at least not for the better.
“My entire life I have lived for someone else. As a little girl, I believed that if I was really quiet and didn’t bug my father, that he would pick me up and praise me one day. Then at school I got perfect grades to make him proud. He never was. Then I did what you wanted to make you happy, and you rarely were. Then I left you for Sarah, not me, for her. When you brought my back home, I did what I had to make you happy again in the hopes of being able to see her. And then I was pregnant again. I couldn’t do for him like I should have. Sarah was afraid of me when she saw me again. She didn’t recognize me or want me. It was all for nothing. She still prefers her nanny to me.” I couldn’t control my tears. They just had to come out now. There was no holding them back.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” He didn’t say anything more.
I had a feeling that he felt bad but not enough to change. If he stayed here, things would go back to normal. Could I live that way or should I try to run with two little children? How would he treat them?
I decided that if he were good to them, then I would stay with him. I could do that for my children. I would never have a chance to live for myself. I wished I could be more selfish, but I couldn’t.
The little drops and bits of love that I got were enough to keep me going, and I really wanted to see my children grow up. I had already missed so much of their lives.
After I had settled down, and I just couldn’t cry anymore, I snuggled into him. He picked me up and brought me back to bed. He held me close.
I figured that tomorrow we would be pretending this never happened.
Chapter 23 – Swimming
Brian was so glad that Amelia had spoken honestly to him. He had so much to make up for. He thought back to when the judge had dropped the charges against him and scolded James for wasting time and the taxpayer’s money in a desperate and sad attempt to get control of his grandson.
Brian left the winner, and James looked like a chauvinistic pig. The only real loser was Amelia. He had worried about what state he would find her in.
The reports he got said that she was doing well, but seeing was believing. She was a good mother and an even better wife.
He was going to have to work at putting things right. He would get started right away. His goal was to get a genuine smile out of her at least once a day, the kind of smile that made his heart melt.
Everything else would have to wait. Business was no longer important to him. His family needed him.
It was amazing to see how much the children had been growing. Adam was right on track for his age, which because of his early birth meant that he was also advanced.
It was so easy to picture Adam and him playing baseball together.
***
I was still asleep when Sarah smacked my face. “Wake up, mommy.”
“Sarah, you may not hit mommy. Pet her face nice and say that you are sorry.” Daddy said it in a tone that let her know that she had to obey. She rubbed my cheek and smiled at me nicely, clearly wanting to get the task over with as quickly as possible.
Daddy was holding Adam as he climbed back into bed. Our two children were in between us. This seemed so normal. Daddy asked me about what we should do today. I didn’t know how to answer that. I told him whatever he wanted would be fine.
“Let’s go down to the beach. We can swim and build sandcastles.” He seemed to really like his idea.
“Is that safe?” I asked. My father had gotten me from a beach. I didn’t want to see my father ever again.
“Of course it is. I’ll be with you.” He looked at me surprised, and then he must have remembered that I was making a sandcastle when my father took me away. “I’ll keep all three of you safe. It will be fun.”
I nodded, but I was still scared. The last thing I wanted was to go back to my father. I looked out of the window. The sun was finally shining.
We cuddled for a bit, and then Daddy announced that he had to get me dressed. He called for the children’s nannies. After the children were gone, he grabbed me by my hand and led me into the bathroom.
He started the shower water and got undressed while it heated to the temperature he wanted. He took me by my hand, and we went into the shower together.
Daddy got my hair wet, and his chest brushed up against mine. He washed it quickly, and then he put in my conditioner.
This was just like it had always been. It was very familiar.
When he turned me and bent me forward, I wasn’t surprised either. Things were back to normal.
I wasn’t sure what I should think about the things that were happening here.
***
Brian sat with Travis and watched the women building sandcastles with Sarah. Their babies were too small to help. Adam was sleeping on a towel next to Amelia, and David was being walked up and down by his nanny as she held onto both of his hands.
“This is the life. And now that you are here everything is perfect. What more could a man ask for?” Travis was thrilled to have another adult to talk to.
“I’m just happy to be back with my family. Was Amelia good for you?”
“She always is. If she pulled anything, then I don’t know about it. My brat is a whole other story. She can’t go a day without being taken over my knee.” Travis smiled the whole time.
Brian figured that he liked brats.
“It was hard for Amelia at first. She wouldn’t let anyone touch the children. She kept them by her. Her Nanny let her do it too. But it was also her Nanny who talked her into letting their nannies take the children so she could sleep, or so her Nanny could take care of her. Amelia is a very good mother. Mine has no problems giving ours to the nanny. She just isn’t mature enough for a child but thank God a baby has two parents.”
Amelia was holding Sarah by her hand, and they were smiling and walking to Daddy. “Daddy, come look at our castle,” Amelia called to him. Sarah waddled into his arms. Her wet swimsuit made her walk funny, but she had sat down in the water before. Now she had a sand covered bottom.
“Daddy, hurry before the wind knocks it down,” Amelia urged him. She was beaming at him.
Brian picked up Sarah in his arms and took Amelia by the hand and walked them back to the beach.
Amelia looked so cute in her bathing suit. It was pink and white striped with a little skirt. There was a teddy bear on the upper left corner of her suit.
End of Part 4
Part 5 - In Good Hope
Chapter 24 – Having To Share
I paced up and down outside of Daddy’s office. He was in there with Sarah.
Adam walked past me, and I shrugged my shoulders. He and I could have a whole conversation with our eyes. He took off quickly, not wanting to hear Sarah get her spanking.
Sarah never took to me. She saw me as her direct opponent for Daddy’s attention. She interrupted me when I talked to him and put me down, telling me that I was stupid and just didn’t understand a thing.
At least, those were the words that had earned her a trip to Daddy’s office today.
Today
of all days, he had to walk in while she was shooting her mouth off to me. I had wanted to talk to him in private, but now this. This always put him in a bad mood.
He would scold her, telling her that I did so much for her, and that she would never know what I all did for her. Sarah would sass back, telling him that I wasn’t necessary here.
They were still talking. I was still pacing.
I heard a hard smack land on her backside. My eyes shut so tightly. I knew that she wouldn’t cry, and he wouldn’t stop until she did. It would be a long battle of wills. Sometimes, I wondered if I wasn’t the one who suffered the most out in the hall, waiting for all of this to just be over with.
Daddy was the perfect father. He was always home with us when he could be. He never hurt me, but he did do his duty with the children. Adam would earn himself spankings by wandering off and forgetting the time or for doing the oddest things. He would get really weird ideas and then act on them without stopping to think things through.
I had once told Daddy that Adam’s ideas made me worry.
He laughed and told me that Adam was a healthy child, but that he was also a boy. He insisted that he was completely normal.
Adam was still a very happy person. He smiled so easily, and he was good-natured. He loved his family more than anything else, but he also loved everyone else too.
Adam made friends so quickly that I worried that he would take off with some stranger. He trusted everyone and never saw the bad in them. Not even in his sister.
She could be very spiteful. I often thought that it would be best for her if she had Daddy all to herself. They had no problems when it was just the two of them. My presence spoiled everything. Adam let her be the center of attention when they were both with Daddy.
Daddy spent a lot of time alone with him. They would go off and do manly things. That usually meant that they were watching bugs, fishing or playing some sort of sport. It was good for Daddy to have a son. I just wished that I had a daughter that I could be close to. Sarah wasn’t her. Perhaps, I laid my hand over my stomach and wondered.
Sarah finally promised to apologize to me. Daddy stopped spanking her and warned her that she better mean it. He told her that her childish ways ruined the time they we spent together as a family.
If I were right, then she would soon have more competition for Daddy’s love.
The door opened, and a vision of a nine-year-old me appeared with her lips pressed tightly together in anger. She clearly still blamed me. She walked up to me with her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m sorry, Mother.”
“I know you are, honey. I’m not mad.” I wanted her to like me so much that I was often desperate. Things always came out badly when I wanted to say just the right thing.
“Sarah, I want you to go to your room and think about what we talked about.” Daddy was standing in the door. He was there to stop me from making a big fool out of myself.
Sarah was still facing me, so she felt safe to roll her eyes. She took off towards her room.
I watched her go feeling regret. If I hadn’t run then, I would have been there for her when she was a baby. She had never forgiven me. Things got worse now that she was older.
I figured that once she was an adult, I would never see her again. I wished she knew how much I loved her.
“Amelia, she does love you. She is still young. One day, she will probably like you better than me.” Daddy was trying to make me feel better.
I nodded, pretending that he could be right. I felt that I knew better. I had let her down when she was a baby. From one moment to the next, she was all alone and with strangers. I was then rarely in her life and then gone for over a year.
It may not have been my fault, but she couldn’t control her feelings either. Her heart told her that I let her down and wasn’t interested in her. The truth didn’t matter in matters of the heart.
“Amelia, you look so pale. Are you feeling all right?” Daddy wrapped his arms around me.
I looked up into his eyes. I had never had to do this before. I opened my mouth and nothing came out.
“You’re mad. I understand that. The problem is you don’t stand up for yourself. She’s like a dog smelling fear. You need to show her that you are the boss. That’s something that she respects. I make sure she respects me, and she still loves me.”
“Daddy, we need to talk, privately.”
“Of course.” Daddy laid his arm around me and walked me into his office. He sat me down in the chair across from his desk and sat down behind his desk. He looked worried.
I went through things in my head, debating back and forth how to put this. “I need to say this just right. It might take a moment. Please, bear with me.”
“Of course, sweetheart.” He looked so worried.
I looked down at my lap before I squared my shoulders and looked straight at him. “I think I might be pregnant.”
His jaw dropped. He jumped up to his feet and moved around his desk and knelt down in front of me. “Why do you think that?”
“I haven’t gotten my,” I dropped my voice to a whisper before I continued, “my period. It’s been over two months,” I admitted.
I saw him doing math in his head. “We have had a lot of visitors lately, Cindy’s parents, Nancy and Martin and their kids and Rose’s family. Still, I should have noticed.” He took hold of my shaking hands.
I was holding my breath.
“I’ll check you over, and we will know for sure. I hope you are right. In fact, I have been hoping that you would get pregnant again so I can prove to you that I love you even when you are pregnant.” His big brown eyes looked so sincere.
“If I am, and it becomes a problem, I want you to tell me. I can go away until the baby is born. It might be better for everyone. Sarah and Adam would remember if something – went wrong.”
“Nothing is going to go wrong. I promise. I am giving you my word. Come with me. I’ll test you, and we can see if our hopes are correct.” He helped me to my feet and took me next door where he had a room where he did light doctoring. We were out in the middle of nowhere with only a tiny village nearby. Daddy took care of everyone here.
I lay down on Daddy’s bench, and he smiled at me.
“You don’t need to lie down, sweetheart. Sit up. I want to ask you some questions.” He asked me a whole list of things before he let me get up and pee in a cup.
I remembered of doing that for him when I was pregnant with Adam. The results had been positive, and he had reacted negatively to put it mildly.
I waited on pins and needles. Daddy looked nervous too. I had to wonder what was going through his head. Was he fighting with himself not to explode? Would he eventually?
“Okay, we can check it now.”
We both went back into his bathroom and looked at the stick.
“You’re pregnant,” he announced.
“Are you happy?” I asked him.
“Yes. I’m very happy. And you?” he asked.
I nodded. I had been worrying about this for a few weeks now.
Daddy looked at me without saying anything more. I had a feeling that he had no idea what to do and say to me now.
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” he asked.
That question made me smile. “I don’t know.”
“You were just so sure with Adam, and then you were right.” He was just making conversation with me. We hadn’t had a moment like this one in years, one where we didn’t know what to say to the other.
Daddy often took me on walks with him. We would be together for hours and talk about everything that we could think of. We got along really well.
“If I had to guess, I would say a girl. I don’t feel sick all the time. Just a little dizzy sometimes.”
“Dizzy?”
“Nothing serious. If I get up too quickly, then I feel a little dizzy.”
“I think I should take some blood and send it off. Come with me.” I went back to his bench and sat down. He got out his
needle and carefully took some blood while I looked away, cringing.
“It’s over, sweetheart. Do you want to go and lie down?”
“Not really. Could we go for a walk?”
“Sure. I just need ten minutes to get this sent off. Will you wait for me in the front hall?”
“Yes, Daddy.” I got down while Daddy wrote my name on a tube and what he wanted checked.
I went out of the door and sighed. That had been very uncomfortable. I was glad that he wasn’t mad, but I felt so unsure of myself.
Was this the quiet that came before the storm?
No, I scolded myself. He had been the perfect husband for the past eight years.
I went to check on Sarah. I heard her crying to her nanny. A woman who wasn’t her mother was holding my daughter and telling her that everything was going to be all right. That was my job.
I knocked and stepped back. The crying stopped immediately. I closed my eyes, and my body stiffened. I was preparing for a blow, it would be an emotional one, but it would be a painful blow all the same.
Sarah’s nanny opened the door. She peeked back inside of the door. I heard her whisper, It’s her.
“I wanted to talk to Sarah for a moment, alone.”
“Of course, ma’am.” The nanny walked off down the hall slowly. She glanced over her shoulders a couple of times like she was afraid that I would hurt Sarah. I never had. Our relationship didn’t work that way.
I slipped into the room and closed the door.
“Hi,” I said, stupidly.
“What do you want?” She moved, so she was looking away from me.
I sat down on her bed and laid a hand on her shoulder. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“So talk, so you can leave.”
I moved my hand away from her shoulder. I was always surprised that her harsh words hurt me so much. “Why can’t we be friends?” I asked her.
She snorted as an answer.
I got up and went to the door. “I hope you feel better soon. I love you,” I practically whispered before I left. Her rejection hurt me so much.