by LA Witt
We walked in silence for a while, and when I glanced at her a few times, she looked around like she was only halfheartedly taking in the exotic scenery.
Between a souvenir shop and a tropical-themed snack bar, I stopped, and so did she. I turned to her. “Is that the only thing that’s bothering you?”
She pursed her lips and looked at something down the sidewalk. Something that wasn’t me. “I…” She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s just hard, you know? I get used to you being in the same state, and they move you to California. I figure out how to deal with you being at sea for six months, and they send you into a war zone for a year. And now”—she made a sharp, sweeping gesture with one hand, indicating our surroundings—“you’re here for the next three years.”
I sighed. “God, I’m sorry, baby. The military life isn’t easy.”
She laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I hadn’t noticed. I mean, when you were in California, at least I could call you.”
“I know. Believe me, not being able to talk to you or anyone else while I’m here sucks.” I swallowed. “Is there anything I can do to make this easier? I mean, these are the cards we’ve been dealt, but…”
“There isn’t much you can do,” she said. “It’s just frustrating. I miss you, Dad.”
I put my arms around her and hugged her tight. “I miss you too, kiddo. But you know you can always e-mail me, and I try to be online as much as I can so we can talk that way. It’s not much, but I’ll do what I can.”
She pulled back and quickly wiped her eyes before she looked up at me. “Are you going to be home for my graduation next year?”
I smiled. “I’ll go UA and kayak home if I have to, but I’m not missing your graduation.”
She grinned. “Like you could kayak that far.”
“What?” I scoffed. “Are you suggesting I couldn’t?”
“Not at your age, no.”
“Hey!”
We both laughed, and I hugged her again.
“Come on,” I said, releasing her. “Let’s see what’s up this way.”
We continued up the sidewalk until we reached the end of the street. Then we crossed over and started back down the other side. Along the way, we picked up a couple of Shi Shi dogs for her, an Okinawa baseball cap and a box of some to-die-for pastries that we’d probably wind up finishing off in the car before we even got home.
A lot of things like pastries and cookies were in packages written entirely in Japanese, and we couldn’t quite identify what some of them were. I knew the bright purple tarts were made from the beni imo, and we soon figured out that anything green had a tea-like taste to it, but there were plenty of other colors and flavors we couldn’t identify.
At one point, I tried to get a shopkeeper to explain what something was made from, but I didn’t know enough Japanese, and she didn’t know enough English. We just looked at each other, her expression as blank as mine undoubtedly was. I searched for the right phrase, but just couldn’t figure out how to ask. I bought the mystery cookies anyway; the samples were amazing, so to hell with what they were actually made out of.
On the way out of the shop, I said, “This is one of those times it would be really handy to have Shane around.”
“Uh-huh. And I’m sure that’s the only reason you want him around, right?”
I cleared my throat. “Well, I mean, I do enjoy his company.”
“Is that what kids are calling it these days?”
Heat rushed into my face. “Do you have conversations like this with your mother?”
She shrugged. “Sometimes. But she usually doesn’t pretend she doesn’t have feelings for someone.”
“What are you talking about?” I gestured in the direction the shopkeeper had gone. “Just because I could use Shane’s help translating doesn’t mean I’m hopelessly in love with him or something.”
“Doesn’t mean you aren’t either.” She paused. “What is the gay equivalent of pussy-whipped, anyway?”
“Marie!” I stared at her, slack-jawed. “What the hell?”
She laughed and shrugged. “Hey, I’m just saying, Dad. I mean, come on. You are so head-over-heels for this guy…”
“What?” I gestured dismissively. “Look, I like the guy, and…” And what, Randall? I don’t think about him constantly? I’m not knowingly gambling with my career because I want him? I haven’t noticed a hundred times over that being with him makes more sense than it has with any other man? Bullshit.
Marie snickered. “You’re blushing, by the way.”
“Am I?” I couldn’t help laughing self-consciously.
“Yes, you are.” She tilted her head. “Are you and Shane, like, serious?”
I avoided her eyes. “I don’t know, to be honest.” I swallowed hard. “The thing is, though, we could both get in a lot of trouble for seeing each other, so…” I trailed off, shaking my head.
“I thought all that DADT crap was repealed.”
“It was,” I said. “But it’s not that… It’s not that simple. To make a long story short, we still have to be careful.”
“But you’re dating him anyway.”
“Yes.”
“But you’re not in love with him.”
I can’t be. “No, I’m not.” Not even if I want to be.
She eyed me skeptically. I thought she’d press the issue, but instead she clicked her tongue and said, “What is it with you and Mom?”
“What do you mean?”
“You guys are seriously like magnets for people you shouldn’t date.”
“Since when? Your mom’s dated good guys, hasn’t she?”
“Well, yeah, but they’re almost always wrong for her. I mean, Drew wanted kids and Mom won’t have anymore, so that was a deal-breaker. Then Adam was awesome but gambled too much, and Mom didn’t want to support his ass.” Marie shook her head. “Every time she meets a guy, we pretty much make bets on when he’s going to come out with some fatal flaw.”
“Come out?” I raised an eyebrow.
Her cheeks colored. “That’s not what I meant.”
I chuckled. “I know what you meant. But, I guess that’s just one of the joys of dating. Great people come along, and they bring along reasons why you end up having to go your separate ways.”
She groaned. “Oh God. Is that what I have to look forward to? I thought this crap was supposed to get easier after high school.”
I laughed. “Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but high school never ends.”
“Ugh, so I’ve heard.” More serious now, she said, “So what are you guys going to do? Not tell anyone you’re dating until after your…whatever it was goes through?”
“My LDO package? Yeah, I guess.” I sighed. “We’re just seeing where things go for now.”
She smiled. “Well, I hope he sticks around. I like him.”
“Do you?” I smirked. “You know, I kind of like him too.”
“Kind of, my ass,” she muttered.
“You cuss like that around your mother?”
She gave a flippant shrug. “Sometimes.”
I shot her a somewhat-stern look, then laughed. “Why don’t we go grab some food?” I gestured up the street. “There’s a yakiniku place a few blocks that way that’s supposed to be good.”
Marie eyed me. “A yaki-what, now?”
“Yakiniku. Basically, it’s a buffet of raw meat, and you cook it on a gas grill at your table.”
“Sounds interesting,” she said with a shrug. “If we’re really good, do they let us do our own dishes too?”
“Smart-ass.”
“I just take after my old man.”
“Hey, I’m not that old.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Dad. Keep telling yourself that.”
Chapter Twenty
Shane
The day Marie left Okinawa, I couldn’t get away from the office fast enough. As soon as the day was over, I texted Eric to let him know I was on my way home. We hadn’t spent a night together while Marie was in town,
but that wasn’t the only reason I was eager to see him.
While I was certainly looking forward to some one-on-one time, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be doing much tonight. Not with the way he’d looked like he was barely keeping it together when we had dinner with Marie last night. Like Mays wore his baby-related fatigue on his sleeve, Eric couldn’t hide—and probably didn’t even try to hide—how he felt about Marie going back to the States. He’d taken her to the airport this morning. I thought he might want to be alone tonight, but when I’d texted him earlier, he still wanted to come over.
And having quietly broken down myself on more than a few flights back to this side of the world after visiting my kids, I was worried about him.
I had been home only a few minutes, not even long enough to strip out of my uniform, when he rang the doorbell. When I answered, everything about him confirmed what I thought--that he was having a hell of a time with the fact that his daughter had gone home. His eyes were as tired as Mays’s had been lately, and his usually set-back shoulders slumped under an unseen weight.
“I can’t promise a lot of exciting company tonight,” he said quietly as I shut the door behind us. “It’s…been a long day.”
“I can imagine.” I kissed him gently. “How are you doing?”
He shrugged like it took every bit of energy he had left. “Okay. She landed safely in Tokyo a few hours ago, so…” He trailed off. I supposed he meant to say he felt better after she’d had a safe flight, that he was less worried, but he probably couldn’t convince himself of that any more than he could convince me. Like any parent, I had no doubt he was concerned and certainly relieved to hear one flight had been uneventful, but that wasn’t what pressed down on his shoulders.
He shook himself to life. “I’ll be all right. Don’t…don’t worry about me.”
Yeah. That was going to happen. “You want something to drink?”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
We went into the living room and sat on my couch. He covered up his mood with the kind of small talk that he usually preferred to skip. Bullshitting about work. Halfheartedly trying to figure out what we wanted to eat tonight. Suggesting we spend a weekend out at the Keramas, the outlying islands southwest of Okinawa where we’d been meaning to go snorkeling.
He probably thought he was playing his cards close to his chest, but he’d tipped his hand several times. Quickly changing the subject when the conversation started to involve Marie. The unenthusiastic monotone that subtly wavered once in a while. Watching his wringing hands instead of making eye contact like he always did. I wondered if he knew I could tell when his smiles were forced. Just laughing softly at a smart-ass comment seemed to require everything he had.
And the charade continued until, about an hour after he showed up, his phone beeped.
Eric pulled out the phone and looked at the screen. Then he closed his eyes, sighed and tossed it unceremoniously on the coffee table.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Marie was just letting me know she’s getting on her plane in Narita.” He chewed his thumbnail and stared off into space.
“Eric?” I put a hand between his shoulders. “You okay?”
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Clasping his hands together, he closed his eyes and pressed his thumbs into the bridge of his nose.
I didn’t say anything. I…wasn’t sure what to say.
Finally, Eric spoke, but he didn’t look up.
“We shouldn’t have to be parents in two-week increments,” he whispered. “Our kids deserve so much better than that.”
“So do we,” I said, gently rubbing the back of his neck.
“But this is what we signed up for.” His tone was distinctly tinged with bitterness. “Selling our souls to Uncle Fucking Sam so we can get shot at and miss our kids more than we see them.”
I nodded. “It sucks. Believe me, I know.”
His lips tightened. When he unclasped his fingers, his hands shook. “God, this is just…” His shoulders quivered, and he slid his hand down over his eyes. “Fuck…”
I put my arm around him and rested my other hand on his forearm.
Barely whispering and nowhere near steady, he said, “How the fuck am I supposed to be this far from her for three years?”
I put my arms around him and let him rest his head against my shoulder. Stroking his hair, I didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure what I could say, what kind of comfort I could offer. Closing my eyes, I just tried not to break down right along with him.
His free hand found mine on his forearm, and I turned mine over to lace our fingers together. After a moment, he sat up and wiped his eyes but didn’t let go of my hand.
He exhaled sharply. “I’m sorry. I guess I just…really miss her right now.”
“Don’t apologize for missing your kid, Eric. Believe me, I know exactly what it’s like.”
Sighing he leaned back against the couch cushion. Watching his thumb trace circles on the inside of my wrist, he said, “You know, this is exactly why Sara and I put off getting divorced. Even if we had to be miserable together, at least then I could be there for Marie.”
“So you’d be miserable either way,” I said. “Either miserably married, or this far from Marie.”
“There are days when I really wonder which is worse.” He rubbed his forehead with two fingers and took a deep, uneven breath. “I fucking enlisted so Sara and I could give Marie a better life. I mean, we were both waiting tables, working insane shifts for next to nothing, could barely afford a one-bedroom apartment. So we figured the Navy would mean more stability. Job security, steady income, health insurance. And it did, but…” He sniffed, then cleared his throat. “God, between shipboard deployments and combat tours, I’ve completely missed five years of my daughter’s life. Probably a hell of a lot more if you count work-ups, sea trials and all of that shit. Now I’m over here for three.” He looked at me. “By the time I’m back in the States and out of the Navy, she’ll be two years into college.”
“I know what you mean.” I absently ran my fingers through his short hair. “I haven’t lived on the same continent as my kids since they were three.”
Eric wiped his eyes again. “Kind of makes you wonder what the point is, doesn’t it? We do this to give our kids better lives, and…” He waved a hand. “And all I can think is that when this is all said and done, she’s either going to be a stranger to me, or she’s going to resent me for being gone all these years.”
“After watching the two of you together,” I said, “I doubt it. I really do.”
“Yeah,” he said bitterly. “We’ll see.”
“You’re doing the best you can for your daughter, Eric.” I stroked his hair. “It’s not like you walked out on her. It’s hard for both of you, but I’ve seen the way you two interact. She adores you. I only wish I had the kind of relationship with my kids that you have with yours.” I paused. “Actually, it’s because of you and Marie I might have the chance of a better relationship with mine.”
He looked at me. “What do you mean?”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “The other night, after I left, I spent some time talking to my ex. Smoothing things out.” I laughed softly. “Should’ve done that a few years ago, but better late than never, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Confusion still deepened the crevices between his eyebrows.
I clasped his hand between mine and raised it to my lips. “The thing is, after being around the two of you, I realized…” I paused, swallowing hard. It hurt and shamed me to even admit it. “I realized I don’t even know my kids. They’re…they’re pretty much complete strangers to me, and it’s not just because of the distance.” I kissed the backs of his fingers and met his eyes. “The kind of father-daughter relationship you have with Marie, that’s what I want with my kids, and I’m nowhere near it yet.”
Eric dropped his gaze.
“What you guys have is a hell of a lot better than you think,�
�� I said. “And I think it’s admirable you’ve managed to maintain that even when you’ve been gone for a quarter of her life.”
He tensed. Exhaling slowly, he rubbed his temples. “A quarter. Jesus.”
I squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up, Eric.” I kept my voice as gentle as my hand. “The alternative would have been more years of waiting tables, working stupidly long hours and struggling to make ends meet. You did what you could to provide for her, even if it meant making some sacrifices.”
“Sacrifices. God, isn’t that the truth?” He sighed. “Sorry to be such a downer tonight.”
I kissed his cheek. “Don’t be. You know I understand where you’re coming from. My kids come to see me, you can bet I’ll be a fucking wreck after they leave.”
“Well, if you are”—he looked at me and offered a smile—“I’ll return the favor.”
“Good to know.” I smiled and put my arm around him.
He exhaled hard. “Anyway, I…guess it’s just bothering me. I really can’t promise much tonight.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. “Do you really think I’m going to hold it against you if you’re not in the mood tonight?”
He laughed softly. “Well, I mean, I’m here, so…”
“So?” I shrugged. “Doesn’t mean either of us is obligated to put out.”
“Good to know,” he said. “But if you don’t want me to stay, just say so.
I touched his face. Leaning in slowly, I whispered, “I don’t want you going anywhere unless you want to.” Our lips met before he could respond.
I only meant for a brief kiss, just quick, light contact, but when I started to pull away, Eric curved his hand around the back of my neck. I relaxed against him, wrapped my arms around him.
What had started as a gentle, reassuring kiss turned into something hungrier. He teased my lips apart with the tip of his tongue, and when I slid my tongue past his, he pulled me closer. He kept one hand on my neck while his other alternated between touching my face and sliding up and down my arm.
His hand drifted from my shoulder to my chest, and his fingers curled around the front of my shirt. Still holding on tight to my shirt and the back of my neck, he broke the kiss.