COUNSEL
Yes, Yexcellency, and—
THE GOVERNOR
Washa com’n t’ me ’bout law for? Why ’nsha go t’ court ’bout law?
COUNSEL
We’ve been to court, Yexcellency. We applied to the Supreme Court two months ago for a new trial, on the basis of the evidence which Yexcellency has just listened to, and which, praps I should have explained sooner, was not presented at the original trial because Farms had no idea at that time of the importance of his citizenship and neglected to inform me of the peculiar circumstances attending his birth. And the court denied the application, on the ground that while this evidence, if it had been presented at the trial, might have resulted in the granting of a motion to dismiss, it could not properly be regarded as new evidence, as it is essentially evidence of lack of evidence on the part of the State, rather than direct evidence of innocence.
THE PROSECUTOR
In other words, Yexcellency is being asked to certify that if the dog hadn’t stopped to scratch fleas he would have caught the rabbit.
COUNSEL
Not in the least, Yexcellency—
THE GOVERNOR
Y’ know what? Y’ both pair pett-fogg’n lawyersh. Y’ ’sgrace t’ bar. Farmsh! C’me here. I’ll do this m’self. Sit there, where c’n see y’.
THE PETITIONER
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, Governor.
THE GOVERNOR
A’ right, Farmsh, shpeak right up now. Y’ needn’t shtan’ ’n awe ’f me. ’M plain, blunt man ’n got heart’s big’s all outdoorsh. Washa got say f’ y’self?
THE PETITIONER
Governor, all I got to say is I went out there when them miners was gathering by the creek forks just to see what was going on—
THE GOVERNOR
Thash shtuff! Facksh! Motivesh! Tha’s wha’ want. G’ on, Farmsh. What ’en?
THE PETITIONER
And then when they marched down the road, I went along with them just for fun, and then two months afterwards, when they come and arrested me, I didn’t have no more idea what they meant than the man in the moon, and—
THE GOVERNOR
Now we com’n. G’ on.
THE PETITIONER
And then they sent me up. And—and …
THE GOVERNOR
Farmsh, now I ask y’ some’n. If I was t’ set y’ free, what would y’ do ’th y’ lib’ty?
THE PETITIONER
If you was to set me free, Governor, the first thing I would do would be to go to the judge and get my citizenship fixed up—
THE PROSECUTOR
That’s great! I’ll say that’s great! There you are, Yexcellency, right out of their own mouths! First this man isn’t guilty because maybe the prawscution couldn’t have proved his citizenship. And the first thing he’s going to do if he gets a pardon is to get his citizenship fixed up! If that doesn’t—
COUNSEL
Not at all, Yexcellency. In fact, I resent the imputation of—
THE GOVERNOR
Shtop! F’ God’s sake shtop! [To the Secretary] C’mute’ sen’ce ’mpris’nment f’ life!
THE PETITIONER
What? Oh my God!
THE PROSECUTOR
Hunh?
COUNSEL
But, Yexcellency—
THE GOVERNOR
No more! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word. ’S comp’mise. ’S comp’mise, I know it’s comp’mise. But’s bes’ c’n do. Who y’ think y’ are, tak’n up my time way y’ have? Don’ min’ f m’self. ’M plain, blunt man ’n give y’ shirt off m’ back, ’f y’ need it. But my time b’longsh t’ people. Y’ und’shtan’ ’at? My time b’longsh t’ people, ’n wha’ y’ do with it? I ashk y’ f’ facksh ’n y’ come in here ’th noth’n but tech’calitiesh! Tech’calitiesh I said! Pett’fogg’n! Triffl’n detailsh! Dog! Fleash! Rabbit! Poetry! ’M done with it! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word!
COUNSEL
But really, Yexcellency—
THE PETITIONER
Yeah, a fine lawyer you was. First you git me sent up for ten year and now you git me sent up for life—
THE WITNESS
Yeah, and a fine thing the Coal City Volunteer Fire Department done for the country when they pulled you out of the sewer—
THE GOVERNOR
Wha’s ’at? Wha’s at?
COUNSEL
I’m just trying to tell Yexcellency—
THE GOVERNOR
Jus’ minute, jus’ minute! … The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment! Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? So Farmsh, y’ were memb’ ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment?
THE PETITIONER
Well …I reckon I was, in a way, Governor. I reckon I was, ha ha! I reckon I was kind of born to it, ha ha ha! I reckon I must be pretty near the only person in the world that was ever born to a fire department, ha ha, ha ha!
THE GOVERNOR
Farmsh, ’m g’n ask y’ some’n. Look m’ ’n eye, Farmsh. Farmsh, y’ guilty ’r y’ not guilty?
THE PETITIONER
Governor, I hope my die I ain’t no more guilty than you are.
THE GOVERNOR
Farmsh, I believe y’ tell’n’ me truth. Farmsh, y’ free man.
THE PETITIONER
Oh my Gawd, Governor, thank you sir, thank—!
THE GOVERNOR
The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment. Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? …
[While the Secretary makes out a pardon and the GOVERNOR signs it, the group breaks up in a round of hand-shaking, the lawyers to go out and have a drink together, the petitioner to go back to the penitentiary for the last formalities. When they have all gone, the GOVERNOR still sits nodding to himself and presently falls amiably asleep.]
The Legislature
THE THIRD ROOM ON your left as you enter the south wing of the State Capitol. It is an afternoon in midwinter, and three gentlemen, MESSRS. HAYES, LOMAN, and FRIEND, are sitting at one end of the table. They constitute a quorum of the Committee on Education of the House of Representatives, and before them is a large pile of bills, resolutions, and memoranda.
MR. HAYES
Well, looking at them don’t do no good.
MR. LOMAN
It sure don’t.
MR. HAYES
Might as well get busy.
MR. LOMAN
A hell of a fine time them other guys on this committee picked to get the flu!
MR. HAYES
How you say we do? Take up them schoolhouses, or leave them wait till we got a couple other things out of the way first?
MR. LOMAN
Leave them schoolhouses till last. They was referred jointly anyhow, and it ain’t no use of us wasting no sweat on them till Ways and Means has said what they’re goin’ to do.
MR. HAYES
All right, then. Authorizing constable of town of Gale’s Island to act as truant officer. Authorizing commissioners of town of Shawville to close certain streets to motor traffic during hours when public schools are in session. Them things don’t amount to nothing and here’s about forty more just like them. Shoot them right through, hey? Report them favorable and be done with it?
MR. LOMAN
Hell, yes.
MR. HAYES
All set on them, then.
MR. LOMAN
Pitch them over to one side. That’s a start anyways.
MR. HAYES
All right, then. Le’s get on this here Evolution Bill. Bill prohibiting the teaching of certain doctrines in educational institutions supported in whole or in part by public funds. What do you say on that?
MR. LOMAN
I say that bill ought to been passed about ten years ago.
MR. HAYES
That bill hits me pretty good too. Still, it’s pretty important, so I guess we better consider it some.
MR. LOMAN
What’s the use of considering? I don’t need no
considering to know how I’m going to vote.
MR. HAYES
How you feel about that, Mr. Friend?
MR. FRIEND
Hanh?
MR. HAYES
This here Evolution Bill. We’re getting ready to report on it now and we kind of want to make sure we got the right idea about it.
MR. FRIEND
Hunh.
MR. HAYES
So if you got anything to say about it, now is the time to say it.
MR. FRIEND
They hadn’t ought to kill no cows thouten they pay for them.
MR. LOMAN
Now, what in the hell has the Committee on Education got to do with cows?
MR. HAYES
No, this ain’t the Tubercular Cattle Bill. This is the Evolution Bill. Or Anti-evolution Bill, some of them calls it.
MR. LOMAN
Evolution!
MR. FRIEND
I ain’t deef.
MR. HAYES
You read it.
MR. FRIEND
Maybe I read it.
MR. LOMAN
He ain’t asked maybe did you read it. He asked did you read it. Come on. If you ain’t deef, then act like you was awake.
MR. FRIEND
What’s reading got to do with it?
MR. HAYES
Well, we’re kind of busy this afternoon, Mr. Friend, and it would kind of save time if you had read the bill.
MR. FRIEND
I reckon I can read it if I have to. Where’s it at?
MR. LOMAN
You mean to say you been a member of this Legislature a whole month and attended all the hearings this committee has held and ain’t read that bill yet?
MR. HAYES
Now, Loman, it don’t do no good to get sore.
MR. LOMAN
No, but what does the taxpayers pay a bum like that for?
MR. FRIEND
All right. Where’s it at?
MR. HAYES
Well, Mr. Friend, it’s pretty late in the day to start reading the bill now. I reckon the best way is for us to kind of explain to you what’s in it. Then you can tell us how you feel about it.
MR. FRIEND
I can read. But I ain’t all the time bragging on it.
MR. LOMAN
I bet you ain’t.
MR. HAYES
Well, le’s see. Le’s see now. Le’s see how I can put it.
MR. FRIEND
I never seen such a place in my life. They can’t never do nothing thouten some man stands up and starts reading something. All the time showing off how good they can read. Up my way the people ain’t got time for all this here reading.
MR. LOMAN
They can read them pain-killer ads though.
MR. HAYES
Well, first off, Mr. Friend, you know what this here evolution is, don’t you?
MR. FRIEND
Maybe.
MR. LOMAN
You say maybe oncet more and maybe you stay where you’re sitting and maybe you take a dive in that spittoon.
MR. FRIEND
Yeah, I hear tell of it. I hear the preachers talk about it plenty of time.
MR. HAYES
And you know what it is?
MR. FRIEND
Mister, go ahead and do your talking. Don’t worry about me. I’ll git the hang of it time you git done.
MR. HAYES
The main idea, the way I get it, is that men is descended from monkeys.
MR. FRIEND
Hunh?
MR. LOMAN
Dam, it does break my heart to think of the people of this State paying out their money for this.
MR. HAYES
That men is descended from monkeys.
MR. FRIEND
De—?
MR. LOMAN
Aw hell!
MR. HAYES
Descended. You got a father, ain’t you?
MR. FRIEND
Doggone it, come on and say what you’re gitting at. I’m tired of all this here funny talk. All the time using big words. All the time talking and nobody can’t tell what it means. Sure I got a father. How you think I got here if I didn’t have no father? What you ask me that for, anyway?
MR. LOMAN
Just to be o’n’ry.
MR. HAYES
Keep out of this, will you, Loman? It’s hard enough without no help.
MR. LOMAN
Why don’t you go out there and talk to that tree?
MR. HAYES
Because the tree ain’t on the committee.
MR. LOMAN
That’s a dam shame.
MR. HAYES
Mr. Friend, we ain’t giving you no funny talk. We’re explaining this here evolution as good as we can, and we’d get along better if you would listen at what we’re trying to tell you and quit all the time putting up a bum argument about how we’re doing it.
MR. FRIEND
I ain’t ask you to explain me nothing. Go on and do your talking. I already told you I’ll git the hang of it time you git done. I ain’t never seen nothing yet I couldn’t git the hang of.
MR. LOMAN
If you was to get the hang of a manila rope, that would be a fine thing for the people of this State.
MR. HAYES
All right, you got a father. And you got a grandfather, ain’t you? Or maybe had one?
MR. FRIEND
All right. All right. Just keep on with your funny talk. All right, mister, now I’ll ask you something. If I didn’t have no grandfather, how would I have a father? How would my father of got here, hunh? Tell me that!
MR. LOMAN
That’s a tough one, all right.
MR. HAYES
Loman, just as a favor to me, will you stay out of this and quit balling it up? All right. You want to get in it, you take him awhile. See what you can do.
MR. LOMAN
No, thanks. I pass.
MR. FRIEND
You can read so good, tell me that.
MR. HAYES
All right, Mr. Friend, you got a father and you got a grandfather. Now you’re descended from your father and your grandfather, you got that? And your father and your grandfather, they’re descended from their father and their grandfather, you got that? And so are you descended from their father and their grandfather, and so on and so on, you got that?
MR. FRIEND
I already told you I ain’t deef.
MR. HAYES
And them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys.
MR. FRIEND
You quit hollering at me.
MR. HAYES
Hollering at you! Goddam it, I’ll crown you with a brick in a minute!
MR. LOMAN
Who’s balling it up now?
MR. HAYES
Well anyway, I ain’t balling it up on purpose.
MR. FRIEND
All the time hollering at me. I ain’t going to take no more of it.
MR. HAYES
Mr. Friend, did you hear what I just now told you about how them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys?
MR. FRIEND
That’s better, mister. That’s a whole lot better. You talk to me right, I’ll talk to you right.
MR. LOMAN
You hear that, don’t you, Hayes? Now you know where you get off.
MR. HAYES
Mr. Friend.
MR. FRIEND
Hunh?
MR. HAYES
Are we talking to suit you this way? Is this all right, the way I’m talking now?
MR. FRIEND
But that ain’t how you was talking just now. You was hollering at me.
MR. HAYES
Never mind how I was talking just now. Am I talking to suit you now?
MR. FRIEND
And another thing, mister. I’ll thank you to quit cussing at me. I ain’t no mule.
MR. HAYES
All right, then.
MR. FRIEND
I don’t a
llow nobody to cuss at me. You just as well understand that right now.
MR. HAYES
Where was I at?
MR. LOMAN
Where you was at was about them monkeys, but was you going or coming I wouldn’t like to say.
MR. HAYES
Oh yeah. Them monkeys. Now, Mr. Friend, have you got it all straight about that? About how them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys?
MR. FRIEND
Who says so?
MR. HAYES
Them evolutionists.
MR. FRIEND
Ev—?
MR. LOMAN
I swear this is the worst crime I ever seen.
MR. HAYES
—olutionists.
MR. FRIEND
All right, mister, keep it up. Just keep it up. Some day the people is going to find out how things is run in this place. All the time showing off how good they can read. All the time showing off how many big words they know. All the time making speeches and using big words. I sit in that place over there every night for to help pass the laws, and then what? I can’t never git the meaning of nothing. I can’t never get the meaning on account of all them big words.
MR. HAYES
Well, it ain’t no other word for these people we’re talking about, Mr. Friend, so you just as well learn this one.
MR. LOMAN
That’s it. Just take a week off and learn it.
MR. FRIEND
Why don’t they talk so’s somebody can understand them?
MR. HAYES
All right, Mr. Friend, we won’t argue about it. We’ll just forget that word and go on with what we’re doing.
MR. LOMAN
What in the hell are we doing anyway?
MR. HAYES
We’ll just say there’s some people that says this here, and not bother about no name for them at all. Have you got it straight what they say now? That men is descended from monkeys?
MR. FRIEND
But I don’t never git the right meaning of nothing.
MR. LOMAN
Well, that’s tough, but don’t let it worry you none. You got plenty of company. If them delegates ever found out what they was voting for ’stead of getting descended from monkeys they would get ascended up into heaven. ’Cause God is the only one knows, and even He ain’t so dam sure.
MR. FRIEND
Monkeys!
MR. HAYES
That’s what we’re talking about, Mr. Friend. Monkeys.
MR. LOMAN
Monkey-de-monk!
MR. FRIEND
Ain’t these people in this place got nothing better to do, mister, than think up a whole lot of devilment about monkeys? Don’t they never do no work?
MR. HAYES
Career in C Major: And Other Fiction Page 5