“Well, it’s hard not to imagine the worst. I mean, the Sweetland Singers are on right before me.”
“Huh? So what?”
I didn’t mean to mention them. But now I can’t stop myself from telling Jasmeer the story of my failed audition. She listens without interrupting. When I’m done she says, “But that was years ago. And isn’t Maxine helping you work through your anxiety? I thought you said your coaching was going great.”
“Yeah, it is. But—”
Just then a group of girls surrounds us. Girls who’ve never spoken to me before. They’re all talking at once.
“Hey, are you Paisley?”
“Are you the girl Maxine Gaston is coaching?”
“You must be really good!”
“Can’t wait to hear you sing!”
They must have seen Cadence’s post. My mouth goes dry and my legs go wobbly. “Let’s get out of here,” I say to Jasmeer. We pack up our lunch stuff and try to escape. But the girls follow us.
“How’d you get Maxine to coach you?”
“What’s it like working with her?”
Jasmeer turns and faces the pack. “Paisley has no statement to make at this time. Please respect her privacy.”
“Thanks,” I say, the two of us laughing as we exit the cafeteria. “You’re hired.”
“Done. And my advice as your new manager? Forget everything but your singing.”
“I know,” I say. “I’ll try.”
It’s after nine o’clock when I finally hear from Maxine. “Hey,” I say. “Thanks for calling.”
“No problem. Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner. Our rehearsals went long this week. How are you doing?”
“Terrible!” I say. “The Sweetland Singers are coming to Farmshine after all, and Vanessa’s put them onstage right before me!”
“Hmm,” she says. “That is a surprise.”
“And not a good one!”
“I understand why it might upset you. But let’s talk about how you can handle it. What have you tried so far?”
“I tried to breathe and focus and visualize like you showed me. But I just kept imagining all these awful things happening.”
“So what can you do to make visualizing work in a more positive way?”
“Nothing! Absolutely nothing!” My voice cracks with panic. “I’m going to tell Vanessa to take my name off the program.”
There’s silence. Then finally Maxine says, “You’re going to give up?”
“I think that’s the best plan for me.”
“Really? You’re going to let Elaine Winton and the Sweetland Singers intimidate you? And all because you have a unique voice that isn’t suited to a treble choir?” I can hear the frustration in Maxine’s voice. “Honestly, Paisley, I thought you had more guts.”
“I’m really sorry,” I say. “But I just don’t.”
“Well, if your mind’s made up, there’s nothing more I can do for you. If you want to spend the rest of your life regretting that you never made anything of your talent, go right ahead. It’s your decision. Just please don’t waste any more of my time.”
Ouch.
I know she’s right. But my whole body is shaking. I try to settle myself with some deep breathing. Am I really going to let Maxine down? Am I really going to let myself down? “Okay, wait,” I say. “I’ll stick it out. I’m going to sing!”
“Good. That’s what I wanted to hear.”
“So are we still on for Saturday?” I ask.
“Yes, I will see you then. And Paisley?”
“Yes, Maxine?”
“You need to remember that show business is tough. You have to be prepared for all kinds of surprises and screwups and so on. Expect the best, but be prepared for anything. You can’t let anything throw you.”
“I won’t,” I say. “Thank you so much for your help.”
“I am here for you anytime,” she says. “As long as you’re not quitting.”
“I’m not quitting.”
“Good. I have an idea. Why don’t you think of it this way: the Sweetland Singers are opening for you.”
Ooh, I like that. The Sweetland Singers are opening for me!
I hang up the phone. I feel relieved and inspired for a full ten minutes. Then our land line rings. We hardly ever get calls on it, except for telemarketers. But it’s kind of late for that. I answer, just in case Mom’s phone died or something and she’s trying to reach me.
It’s Cadence. “Hey, Pissley,” she says. “Why’d you block me?”
I should hang up. But instead I ask, “What do you want?”
Cadence laughs. “Oh, just to see how you’re doing with your stage fright. You must be so scared now that the show is only days away.”
“I’m fine,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Well, that’s good,” she says. “Because there’s going to be, like, four hundred people there. And they’ll all be waiting to hear the girl Maxine Gaston chose for private lessons sing!” Her jealousy sizzles down the line. “And they’re going to want their money back when they hear your awful voice. Or when they don’t hear you, because you probably won’t even be able to choke out the words at all.”
Okay, enough. “You know what, Cadence? I’m really sorry Maxine wouldn’t take you on as a client,” I say. “But I guess she felt I had more talent and potential.” I hope I don’t regret this. “I mean, Maxine would know a star when she sees one, right?”
“Oh, she’ll see one at Farmshine, all right,” she says in a threatening tone. “I’m the soloist for the Sweetland Singers, and I’m going to blow everybody away!”
“Congratulations!” I say as sweetly as I can. “Good luck with that.”
“And Heath’s going to give me flowers,” she says. “Because he’s my boyfriend, not yours. No guy would ever like you, Pissley McFatland.”
I hang up.
Twelve
On Saturday afternoon I walk over to Riverside House for my rehearsal. As usual, I sing to myself on the way, warming up my voice. I’m feeling super positive. If I want to be a star, I have to think and act like one.
Maxine has helped me a lot. When I first met her, I knew nothing. Nothing. Except that I wanted to be a singer but was scared to go onstage. But in just a few sessions she has taught me so much. And I really feel like I’m ready for the next step.
I’m going to sing for my best friend and her parents. And I’m going to blow them away. And then I’ll be in great shape for singing in front of four hundred people at the big show.
When Jasmeer meets me at the door she says, “Cool outfit.”
“You think?” I’m wearing black leggings, gray-and-red-striped work socks, a black tank with a plaid shirt overtop and a gray tweed hipster vest on top of that.
Jasmeer nods her approval. “Love the vest.”
“I snuck it from my dad’s closet. He’s had it forever, and it’s too small for him now so he never wears it. I altered it to fit me.” I spent the morning with a needle and thread, trying to get it just right. Trying to stay calm.
“Hey, I didn’t know you could sew.”
“My mom taught me.” It was something we actually enjoyed doing together, music being such a source of conflict. “Maybe I should have worn something fancier?”
“You look perfect.”
“I didn’t want to dress up too much, because it’s only a rehearsal. Just you and your parents, right?”
“Right.”
“No B&B guests?”
“None that you need to worry about,” Jasmeer says. “There’s a couple checked in, but they’ve gone to dinner and a movie. They won’t be back until late.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure. I looked up the movie listings for them. Their show doesn’t even start until nine o’clock.”
“I’m still nervous, though, even if I’m only singing for you and your parents.”
“Well, don’t be. We’re your biggest fans.”
“Bas
ed on never having heard me sing. Ever. But thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Maxine is waiting for you, rock star.” Jasmeer gives me a gentle push toward the guest lounge. “See you later.”
Maxine is at the piano, playing my song. She nods at me to come right in and start. When we’ve run through it, she smiles and says, “Excellent! You must have worked really hard this week.”
“I did practice a lot. Everything. And I’m sorry for, you know, panicking about the Sweetland Singers. I won’t let them get to me.”
Maxine stands up from the piano bench. “That’s the attitude.”
“I hope you’re not mad at me.”
“Look,” she says. “The only thing that will make me mad is if you give up. And since you’re here, you obviously haven’t, so all is well.” She closes the lid on the piano.
“But shouldn’t we keep working on the song?”
“You don’t want to leave your best performance in rehearsal. Save it for the stage. Or in this case, for after dinner. And speaking of dinner, Sunita said it’s ready anytime, so let’s go eat.”
Dinner smells great, but I can’t imagine eating anything. My stomach is saying no, no, no. “Can’t we do the singing first?” I ask. “Get it over with?”
But Maxine is already on her way to the dining room. Why didn’t I realize sooner that performing after dinner was a bad idea? But I was focused on being able to sing at all. I’ll have to pretend to eat, so Sunita won’t notice and think I don’t like the food.
At the table, all anyone wants to talk about is Farmshine. Jasmeer blabs on about selling her cards and prints. Her dad blabs on about his sunflower cookies. Maxine blabs on about being the MC for such a great show.
I wish they’d all shut up. Or at least discuss something else. Then Sunita asks if my mom and dad are coming to the show. She passes a basket of fresh warm rolls around. “Jasmeer’s told me how busy they are.”
“Yeah, they are. I mean, they’re busy, but they are coming.”
“I imagine they are pleased about your singing?”
Yeah, right. I take a roll. “Mmm, this smells so good.” Maybe I can tear it into pieces and hide them in my pocket.
“Craig made them,” Sunita says. “He needed a break from sunflower cookies.” She waits, but I don’t laugh. Or answer her question. Finally she says, “Well, we’d love to meet your parents. Whenever they’re available.”
“Okay, I’ll tell them.” Time to change the subject again. “Hey, anybody else excited for the Santa Claus parade next weekend? I’ve gone every year since we moved to Stonehill.” And this year I’ll enjoy it even more than usual, because the show will be over by then. “Want to go with me, Jas?”
“Sure,” she says.
“I’m really hoping we can all go,” Jasmeer’s mom says. “Since this is our first year here, we’ve never been.” She passes a platter of roasted vegetables. “And we’ve also never heard the famous Sweetland Singers, but I understand they’re performing at the fundraiser too, so I’m also really looking forward to that.”
Oh my god. I almost drop the platter. How did changing the subject lead straight to the Sweetland Singers?
“Help yourself,” Sunita says. “There’s lots more in the kitchen.”
I can’t possibly eat anything. “Thanks, but I’m good.”
“Another wonderful dinner, Sunita,” Maxine says. “Really delicious.”
“Were you ever a member of the Sweetland Singers?” Jasmeer’s dad asks me. “You seem like a natural for a group like that.”
“Um, no. Not really my thing.”
“Paisley is just as talented as anyone in the Sweetland Singers,” Maxine says. “But she’s more of a solo act.” I flush with pride. And hope I don’t throw up.
Sunita looks at my plate of food. I’ve hardly eaten anything. But all she says is, “Well, then, if everyone’s finished, why don’t we have dessert later and listen to Paisley’s solo right now?”
Everyone agrees and heads to the lounge.
I rush to the bathroom first. I have to pee. And I wish I’d brought a toothbrush. Why didn’t I think of that? I rinse my mouth out as best I can, putting some toothpaste from the cabinet on my finger.
I look at myself in the mirror. My hair looks so wimpy. I grab an elastic from my pocket and pull a random bunch into a wonky little ponytail on top of my head.
The bit of food I ate feels like lead in my stomach. Jasmeer knocks on the door. “You okay? We’re all waiting for you.”
“I’m fine. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Great. Good luck!”
I do some deep breathing to calm my jitters. Then I force myself to stride out of the bathroom like a star.
This is it. This is my big test.
Thirteen
When I enter the lounge, Jasmeer and her parents are settled on the sofa. Maxine is at the piano. They’re all smiling at me. I smile back, standing up tall and strong as Maxine taught me.
There’s nothing to worry about. Really. I couldn’t have a friendlier, more receptive audience. They want me to succeed.
And I want to entertain them. I gather my energy and focus. I can do this!
“Ready?” Maxine asks.
“Ready.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Maxine says. “I’m delighted to introduce tonight’s star performer, Miss Paisley McFarland. This young lady has an astounding voice, and I just know you’re going to enjoy her rendition of ‘Somewhere the Music Shines Bright.’”
Jasmeer and her parents break into wild applause. “Woohoo!” Jasmeer hoots. “Go, girl!”
I gulp air. I wasn’t expecting that introduction. But of course Maxine would do her full-on MC act.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Maxine slides into the intro. She cues me, and I come in right on time. Right on pitch. Just like I’ve practiced.
I can feel Jasmeer and her parents go still. They’re spellbound. Because I’m better than they expected!
First verse done well. Chorus too. Keep the energy flowing. I go into the second verse.
There’s a noise at the front door. Someone’s coming into Riverside House! They’re talking and laughing. Everyone turns to see what’s going on.
The B&B guests must be back early.
Sunita leaps up and rushes to greet them.
I look to Maxine for help. She mouths the words keep singing.
I do my best to carry on.
But instead of ushering the guests upstairs to their rooms, Sunita brings them into the lounge and sits them in the two wing chairs by the window. They smile politely.
The breath goes out of me. This can’t be happening.
Maxine stops playing. “Welcome,” she says, like she was expecting them and is glad they’re here. “Thank you so much for joining us. For your listening pleasure, and if it’s all right with Paisley, we’ll start again.” I am stunned but manage a nod. She goes back to the intro.
For her sake, I have to try. She’s spent so much time coaching me. I owe her.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
My heart pounds, and sweat pours down my body.
Maxine keeps playing, swinging back to the intro twice, as if that was always the plan.
I try to come in again, but my throat has closed up. I couldn’t make a sound right now to save my life!
I can’t get a grip. I think I’m going to throw up. I panic and race out of the lounge. Right back to the bathroom off the kitchen.
But instead of being sick, I collapse on the floor and begin to sob.
In a few minutes Jasmeer knocks and comes in. “It’s okay now,” she says. “The guests have gone upstairs.”
I can’t speak. I crouch on the floor beside the toilet and sob some more.
“Hey, c’mon. You did great.”
That stops my crying. “No, I didn’t. I sucked big-time. And Maxine will be so mad at me. After all she did to help me, I let her down.”
Jasme
er sits on the floor beside me. “She’s not mad. She just wants to talk to you.”
I can’t stay in the bathroom forever. I need to get this over with and go home. Then I can cry all night if I want to. Which I do.
What a total disaster! How can I be a star if I can’t even deal with two extra people in the audience?
I use a lot of tissue to dry the sweat from my back, neck and armpits. I hope I don’t smell too bad. I need to use way more deodorant for Farmshine. That’s if Maxine doesn’t kick me off the program.
And even if Maxine is willing to give me another chance, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t have what it takes. I’ll never overcome my stage fright.
I use more tissue to wipe the mascara smeared around my eyes. I yank out the ridiculous little spike of a ponytail. I drink some water and do some breathing.
Why is it easy enough to breathe now? Why couldn’t I take control when I needed to? Why am I so useless?
I almost start crying again, but Jasmeer gives me a hug. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” she says. “That’s what a rehearsal is for.”
“It’s not okay,” I say. “And it’s never going to be. I’m done.”
“No, you’re not.” Jasmeer drags me into the kitchen. Her parents and Maxine are there. “We have to talk about what happened,” she says.
All eyes are on me. Before anyone else can speak, I say, “Sorry, everyone. I blew it and I’m really, really sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” Sunita says. “I shouldn’t have brought those guests in with no warning.”
Jasmeer says, “Yeah, Mom. That was not cool.”
“They skipped the movie because the roads were so bad, and they wanted to get back before it got worse. I just thought they’d enjoy hearing you sing, Paisley.”
Jasmeer says, “But the whole idea was that it would be just us, for practice, to help Paisley get over her stage fright.”
“I know, I know. I was just so amazed by how good she is! I wanted the whole world to hear her.”
“Thanks, Sunita,” I say. “Please don’t worry about it. I’m the one who messed up. I should totally be able to handle stuff like that.”
Silence.
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