by Peter Hawes
Dear Ma’am; Given the status of your husband I will overlook the slander of your imputations. The Maori chiefs and I did indeed discuss the fact they had entered preliminary discussions with Mr Wentworth, and I felt constrained to outline the dangers of private sale and the great merit of dealing solely with the Crown. They saw my point and agreed to sign a deed to that effect. This they did not do and to my great perturbation re-approached your husband and made sale of their lands to him. To forestall this perfidious and totally illegal sale I was forced to back-date the effects of my proclamation.
Dear Governor Gipps; You imply — strongly — that Mr Wentworth had encouraged the chiefs to break their contract with you. May I remind you that you had not paid the chiefs the promised ten pounds, so in effect it was you in breach of contract. Of their own volition they returned to Mr Wentworth, as they were far more favourably disposed towards his 200 pounds and his alacrity in paying it.
Dear Ma’am; It is reckless transactions such as your husband’s that forced my appointee Lieutenant-Governor Hobson to begin the preparation of a Deed of Sovereignty now known as the Treaty of Waitangi, in order that private sales and their catastrophic consequences could be prevented!
Dear Governor Gipps; You fail to mention that until that Treaty was signed Lieutenant-Governor Hobson did not have sovereignty and was in no position to interfere with transactions made by honest and well-disposed persons.
Dear Ma’am; Lieutenant-Governor Hobson’s mandate was overwhelming; the Treaty was signed by 46 chiefs at Waitangi. Within weeks a total of 131 chiefs had signed, including the great Te Rauparaha. Your husband’s deal, on the other hand, involved no more than five chiefs.
Dear Governor Gipps; Indeed Mr Wentworth signed with only five chiefs, but all of them were situated in the South Island. And I am informed by reliable sources that not one South Island signature appears on your Treaty. Consequently this Treaty does not apply to the South Island and neither you nor Lieutenant-Governor Hobson have grounds for overturning the legal transaction made by Mr Wentworth.
Dear Ma’am; I learn — not quite to my surprise — that Mr Wentworth was actually acting as honest broker for you yourself. That aside; chiefs of the South Island are signing the Treaty, even as you read this missive. The case for British sovereignty over the South Island is overwhelming.
Dear Governor Gipps; I, in turn, learn that the signature collectors have penetrated no further south than Queen Charlotte Sound. None of the land purchased by Mr Wentworth — yes, on my behalf — is in that region. I further learn, to my consternation and outrage, that the collection is led by one Major Bunbury and a detachment of the 80th Regiment. Regiments, Governor, are a far cry from the gentle missionaries who facilitated the signings at Waitangi. They constitute, in fact, an invading army.
Dear Ma’am; Once again I overlook the insulting implications of your last epistle, and may I appraise you — should you not be already aware — that on May 21, Lieutenant-Governor Hobson proclaimed that Queen Victoria, her heirs and successors for ever had full sovereignty over —
The North Island! interrupted Mrs WC Wentworth’s pigeon and the North Island only! That same day, Ma’am, if you’ll allow me to continue, Lieutenant-Governor Hobson issued a second proclamation asserting rights over the South Island. With absolutely no right to do so! expostulated the pigeon in the mulga tree. He was simply, by specious association, trying to conjoin the legal status of the South Island with that of the North. On that day of May 21 he had absolutely no sovereignty over the South Island at all. The chiefs who signed in Queen Charlotte Sound are all adventurers from the North Island and are certainly not what is known as the tangata whenua of the lands sold to Mr WC Wentworth. The situation is, therefore, that Lieutenant-Governor Hobson has no sovereignty over the South Island because no actual chief in the South Island has given him that power!
Dear Ma’am, riposted the Government pigeon loftily, you may or may not know this, but civilisation is not as well established in the South Island as in the North and no Treaty could be formed with the few and savage people who live there. In light of this, a certain slight change in policy has been wrought and the assertion of sovereignty is now, quite justifiably, made upon the Right of Discovery. In effect, sovereignty of the South Island is based upon the principles used in middle Australia — with which you are so familiar — of terra nullius.
Dear Governor Gipps; I am truly flabbergasted. Discovery? By whom? By Captain Cook? There is absolutely no mention, in the second proclamation by Lieutenant-Governor Hobson, of discovery as the basis of sovereignty! And if discovery by James Cook is not enough to validate sovereignty in the North Island — and the need of a Treaty suggests it is not — then why is it to be considered binding in the South Island? Further, might I remind you of the proclamation from Downing Street in 1825, dissociating New Zealand from Britain — discovery, it was announced, did not assert sovereignty. And as Mr Wentworth purchased the South Island from natives who do not dissociate themselves from ownership, then surely it is legally his — or, as mentioned earlier — mine.
Dear Ma’am; The law is a complex thing; much like, shall we say, the stock exchange with which you are well acquainted. In the case of the stock exchange some seemingly contradictory elements cohere into that infallibly self-governing marvel of modern finance, to the great advantage of many — including yourself. And thus it is, Ma’am, with the law. First, the sovereignty of the South Island was asserted by proclamation on 21 May; secondly it was validified by discovery; and thirdly ceded by treaty. Think in terms of bundles of stocks, none of great value singly, but together being of great worth. Similar intertwinings of weak elements result in a strong —
Ceded by treaty? interrupted her pigeon. Ceded by whom?
Oh, replied the governor’s pigeon, numerous signers have been found since our last correspondence Ma’am — Iwikau and John Love in Akaroa —
Is that all? Sneered Mrs WC Wentworth’s pigeon.
Oh no, replied the Governor’s pigeon a little crestfallen, there’s um Kaikoura … and Taiaroa … —
Aren’t they places?
Dashed if I know Ma’am — but don’t your own fuzzy-wuzzies out there beyond the black stump often call themselves after places? Don’t we? All our Mr Londons, Bradfords, Glasgows and so ons? Anyway, in Cloudy Bay there was quite a cluster of signers, nine in all, I’m told. That’s really what put the cap on it. Major Bunbury declared the cessation of the South Island complete, the Union Jack was hoisted and a twenty-one-gun salute ensued.
Were any of my husband’s chiefs present? demanded the outback pigeon on its branch high above the black stump.
Don’t need to be, Ma’am, crowed the Government pigeon — as far as can be ascertained they were the only other chiefs in the South Island so were heavily outnumbered. We have a mandate. No hard feelings, Ma’am, but the South Island now belongs to the Crown.
She looked up from this news to its cooing messenger. ‘Shoot the bastard, Nosepeg,’ she said, ‘blow his fucking head off. Then come into the house. Brush off as much mud as you can and spit out your mingulba — I don’t like the idea of you chewing while you work.’
She walked with him, past the enormous black stump, to the one-armed mulga tree and looked up, through the desiccated air to the pigeon and beyond, the sky that never rained.
She watched as Nosepeg, the man who didn’t know he lived in Australia, annihilated her dreams of New Zealand.
‘Pigeon Post’ was first published in Lost in Translation, Marco Sonzogni (ed.), 2010.
About the Author
Peter Hawes
‘Hawes emerges as perhaps New Zealand’s foremost current exponent of the comedy of ideas.’ — The Oxford Companion to New Zealand Literature
Peter Hawes worked for many years in television as a researcher, journalist, writer, presenter and director. He has written many critically acclaimed plays and children’s books, as well as seven works of adult fiction, the first of which was
a bestselling novel written in Spanish. Known for his humour and irreverence, his work is also moving, insightful and thought-provoking, as well as utterly unique.
‘Not for the humourless or the overly politically correct, this fisherman’s tale will make you blush and laugh in equal measure … In among the heavy drinking, sex (and wishful thinking) and the hilarious silliness is a story that is full of sensitivity and emotion’ — Margie Thomson in the New Zealand Herald on Royce, Royce, the People’s Choice
Copyright
A Random House ebook published by Random House New Zealand 18 Poland Road, Glenfield, Auckland, New Zealand
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A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand
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This ebook first published 2013
‘Pigeon Post’ © 2010, 2013 Peter Hawes
The moral rights of the author have been asserted
ISBN 978 1 77553 433 4
This book is copyright. Except for the purposes of fair reviewing no part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Royce, Royce, the People’s Choice
A hilarious love story about a teenager and a fish.
Royce Rowland is a 17-year-old sexual and social reprobate who has been sent to sea with a tough skipper in an effort to straighten him out. But, as with everything, Royce goes on board with his own interests at heart: he wants to trawl for the fabled giant squid. He does catch something unexpected, but it isn’t a squid, and in its wake comes a conning prostitute who is determined to make off with the haul. And so Royce embarks on an Odyssean journey pursuing his catch through New Zealand waters and on to Japan. En route, he is to discover true love — for a fish …