by G. K. DeRosa
As the nurse escorted me through the luxurious accommodations to Ryder’s room, she explained the patients seemed to do better with the warm climate. The constant winter was depressing enough for fully sane people. I could totally relate.
My erratic heartbeats intensified with each footstep I took. Whatever the nurse was explaining, my brain no longer processed. The roar of my pulse drowned it all out, muddling it up to unintelligible gibberish.
Until she stopped in front of a door. “Here we are.”
I gulped, all the air evaporating from my lungs. Beads of sweat clung to my forehead, and I wiped my clammy palms against my jeans.
The pretty blonde nurse eyed me before she opened the door. “Are you all right, Ms. Hallows? You look a little pale.”
“Um…I…” I leaned against the door and willed my lungs to keep functioning. “I’ll let myself in. I just need a minute,” I rasped out.
“Okay.” She gave me a warm smile. “Let me know if you need anything. Ryder’s powers have been sedated so you don’t have to worry about your physical safety.”
“Thanks.” Too bad it was my emotional state that was at risk.
After she disappeared down the hall, I steeled my nerves and drank in a deep breath. I can do this. I’d gotten him this far, and it was up to me to pull him back from the ledge. Like he’d done for me countless times.
Wrapping my hand around the handle, I yanked it open before I lost my nerve. Unlike the cell at the SIA detention center, light spilled into this room from every angle. Three large picture windows made up one wall, and a bed and desk sat on the opposite one. There was even a private bathroom tucked away in the corner.
Ryder sat in a chair, his back to me facing the lush garden below. His massive shoulders strained against his tight black shirt as the door closed behind me.
“You shouldn’t have come,” he muttered.
My heart took a nosedive into the deepest pits of despair. Clenching my jaw, I moved toward him, refusing to be intimidated. He was just trying to push me away. I couldn’t let him win. Cillian had already warned me of his defeated attitude, and if he thought I could make a difference, I had to at least try.
I crossed my arms over my chest to form a shield over my heart as I stepped forward. “Well, I’m here now and the next train doesn’t leave for another hour, so you’re stuck with me.”
Ryder grunted, his gaze never deviating from the window.
His hair had grown longer, unruly curls spilling over his ears and the back nearly brushing his shoulders. My fingers itched to touch his soft locks. As I neared, his musky, sandalwood scent wafted over me and a tidal wave of emotions nearly knocked me on my butt. I pressed my hand against the closest wall to steady myself. My knees had gone all wobbly, and the last thing I needed was to lose control. I had to be strong for both of us.
Scanning the room to look at anything but him, my gaze landed on another chair by the desk. I pulled it out and moved it toward the window so it was just a few feet behind him and to the side.
“Luna…” He still refused to turn around.
“What? I’m tired from my travels, and I want to see the pretty view too. You forget I live in constant winter.”
He exhaled a breath, and the tension in his shoulders released ever so slightly. We sat in silence for a long time. The sound of his steady breathing finally soothed the turmoil raging within me. The garden below really was quite beautiful. A small marble fountain sat in the center surrounded by lush flowering plants of every color of the rainbow. I didn’t recognize any of them, which made sense since this whole place was one big magical faery bubble. Ten minutes passed, then twenty and the air between us thinned out until breathing didn’t hurt quite so much.
Ryder shifted in his chair, the squeak breaking the tranquil moment. “Why did you come, Luna?” His words were so soft I had to strain to hear them.
I leaned forward in my chair and inched closer, trying to buy some time to come up with an answer. There were a million reasons why I was here, most of them too soul-crushing to even think about. One question that sat heavy on my mind since the day of the attack at the academy had been what sort of deal he’d made with Luxora. I knew there had to be more to his time in the Underworld, but something told me I wouldn’t be getting any answers right now.
So I decided to stick with an easier response. “Cillian was worried about you. He said you’re not getting better.”
He grunted and folded his arms over his chest. From my peripheral vision, I could see the swirling black tattoos peeking out from under his shirt. His muscles contracted just below the taut surface.
“I’m sure he told you what I went through to get you out of supe prison,” I began. “I don’t want my efforts to be in vain.”
“I never asked you for any of that,” he snapped.
The force of his words nearly knocked me out of the chair. The hurt stabbing me in the chest was quickly replaced by anger. “Well, I did it anyway, and the least you could do is say thank you!”
He spun around, his onyx eyes blazing. “I told you to leave me there. I belong in prison for what I did.”
My breath hitched. Finally seeing his face after over a month was like an iron fist to the gut. Dark circles lined his eyes, his long hair spilling over his forehead. His typical scruff was replaced by nearly a full beard. I forced myself to look away because seeing him this close up without touching him was torture.
I inhaled deeply and settled my gaze on a spot over his shoulder. “No. You don’t. You belong right here. You need to get help, and I don’t understand why you’re refusing it.”
He leapt up with such force he sent the chair clattering to the floor. His dark gaze burned into mine as he stalked closer. I wrapped my fingers around the sides of the chair and held my ground. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to intimidate me, to prove what a monster he was.
I wasn’t buying it.
He bent to my eyelevel, his onyx irises shooting daggers. “I want to be left alone.”
“So the demon can completely consume you?”
“Yes!” he growled, digging his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to remember anymore, Luna. I don’t want to feel anything. I want the pain, the guilt, the memories, the lo—gone. All of it.”
I shook my head, pressing my arms tighter against my chest. “Ryder Strong, you are a lot of things, but weak was never one of them. You can fight this. You can come back from all of this and start over.”
“I can’t.” His voice was a shadow of its earlier furious timbre. “There’s nothing for me to go back to.”
“That’s not true.” My feet propelled me forward, and my hands clamped onto his biceps. A rush of heat scorched my fingertips the moment our skin made contact. He flinched, dipping his gaze to the speckled tile floor.
“There’s no hope for me, Luna,” he mumbled.
“How about me?” I rasped out as angry tears filled my eyes. “If you don’t get better, I’ll never forgive myself. You lost control because of me… because we slept together. My darkness must have called yours forth—”
His eyes lifted to mine, the fury of emotions roiling below the surface palpable. “You are so wrong, Luna.” A rueful smile crossed his lips, revealing the dimple that had been in hiding for months. An exasperated snicker burst from his lips as he raked his hands over his face. “It wasn’t your demon that sent me over the edge. It was you. Loving you, being with you, making love to you was the happiest moment of my life. I was so consumed by you, and it was all I’d ever wanted, all I could focus on. I completely let my guard down for that one beautiful instant, and I lost it.”
I staggered back, his words hitting me like a runaway freight train. “It can’t be…” I mumbled. The tiny fragments of my broken heart shattered into even smaller pieces. How could the universe be so cruel?
“Don’t you see? You’re pure and good and deserve to be loved by someone who is too. That’s not me. It will never be me.” He pointed to
his chest, shoving his finger between his ribs. “Not as long as this monster lives inside me.”
I choked back a sob, refusing to cry in front of him. My shoulders shuddered and hot tears burned my eyes, but I held strong. Cillian had been right. He needed something to live for and if it couldn’t be me, I had to think of something else.
With every part of my soul shattered, I held the broken pieces together for him. Because I had to. Even if we could never be together. “If what you say is true, then I understand. I get why we can’t be together, and I won’t push you ever again. But we need you—the team—the supernatural slayer squad.”
His lip tipped up into a half-smile.
“We can’t defeat Luxora without you. You say you’ve done so much damage and you deserve to be locked up, then why don’t you try to make up for what you’ve done? The attacks on the human world are only escalating, and no one knows her better than you.”
He shook his head, burying it into his hands. “I don’t know if I can.”
“You can and you will, Ryder. Don’t make me call your mom. If anyone can get your butt in gear, I know it would be that adorably lethal mother of yours. Cillian told me he’s kept the truth from her. She thinks you haven’t been returning her calls because you’ve been on an undercover mission to the Underworld.”
A hint of light flashed across his obsidian irises. “I’m glad she’s been spared the gory details.”
I slapped my hands on my hips and shot him a narrowed glare. “So if you want to keep it that way, you better start trying to get out of here.”
An actual smile tugged at his lips, and my heart flip-flopped. “Are you blackmailing me, mini—Luna?”
My insides clenched at the familiar nickname he almost blurted. I swallowed hard, pushing back the swell of emotions. “Yes, I am.”
He paced in front of the window, deep creases marring his forehead. The tendons in his jaw ticked with each manic step. After a few seconds, he stopped and turned to me. “I have one condition.”
“Okay?”
He stepped closer, and the air crackled between us. His palm cupped my cheek, and my knees quaked. It took everything I had to keep myself from crumbling to the floor. Fixing his weary eyes to mine, a soul-shattering smile crossed his handsome face. “I know you. You are a fighter and mostly, you believe in the good in people. After everything you’ve been through, you still find it in your heart to trust and to love. To come here and give me the kick in the ass I need. I know you’re not going to give up on me, on what we had. And I won’t be the one to break your heart again and again. So if I agree to do this, to fight my demon and bury him back where he belongs, you have to promise that you won’t wait for me. I need you to swear you’ll move on regardless of what happens. I will never deserve you, and you need to accept that here and now.” His thumb brushed my cheek, gently sweeping away the tear that had spilled over. “I love you, Luna. I don’t know how it’s possible after everything, but I do. And if you still love me, you’ll make me this promise now.”
My throat closed up, and I couldn’t swallow. The angry knot of emotions blocking my airway made it impossible to breathe. How was this fair? I shook my head because I simply couldn’t get a word out.
His lips brushed my forehead before he released me. “That’s my final deal, Luna. Take it or leave it.”
Wrapping my arms around my torso to keep myself from falling apart, I stared down at the tile floor. My heart rammed against my ribs, desperate to get out and jump into the arms of the man it desperately loved.
Glancing up, I met the identical turmoil mirrored in Ryder’s expression. It only made my next words harder. “It’s a deal.”
Chapter 24
Life After Ryder 2.0 was in full effect a week later. Sure, I’d spent five of those days in the fetal position under the covers refusing to come out, but today was going to be different. Cillian had stopped by with news and as much as hearing about Ryder made my heart hurt, I was beyond relieved to hear he was finally making progress.
He’d stuck to his word so now I was forced to stick to mine. I dragged a French fry across the ketchup on my plate and took a bite.
“Thank the gods you’re finally eating.”
I glanced across the table at Cinder. She and Scarlett watched me like I was made of glass. Any small, unexpected move could shatter me. And that had been the case for the past few days, but for some reason I actually felt better now.
Most of the team thought I caught a stomach bug; only Scarlett knew the real reason for my dark depression was of the demon variety. It had been hard to keep the truth from her, and when I finally broke down and admitted it, a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t go into all the messy details, but now she knew there’d been something between our old instructor and me, and that it was over.
Drake caught my eye from the opposite side of the table. He, Zephyr and Triston were talking about the latest training techniques Calliope and Logan had been employing. Luckily, I’d missed out on all those.
Drake knew too. He’d always suspected there’d been something between Ryder and me, but I’d never confirmed his suspicions. My weeklong depression had done that for me.
But now it was over. I needed to refocus my energy on finding Luxora. That would give me something to concentrate on so I could get past L.A.R. 2.0.
Cinder and Raf both stood, grabbing their backpacks. “I’ll see you after class, Luna.” My bestie gave me a reassuring smile. “I’m glad you’re finally feeling better.”
“Me too,” I mumbled.
Scarlett sucked down the rest of her smoothie, making a slurping sound that reminded me of when she drank from the bottled blood in our dorm mini fridge. Bleh. “I’m out too. Just a few weeks till the end of the semester, and I’ve got a lot of cramming to do.”
My jaw dropped. It couldn’t be nearing the end of the semester already? I leaned across the table and waved to get Drake’s attention. “Hey, are you up for some studying tonight? I was just reminded we don’t have that much longer till exams.”
“Sure, I can probably move a few things around.”
My eyebrows nearly reached my hairline. “Seriously? I don’t want to impose on your demanding social schedule.”
Triston snorted. “Yeah, the guy’s got it rough juggling all the Fae females throwing themselves at him after that last unipeg race.”
Oh, puke. I didn’t need to hear that.
Drake seared the werewolf with an icy glare and then pivoted toward me, his expression back to its typical blank mask. “It’s fine. Let’s do around seven?”
“Okay.”
The rest of the afternoon’s classes passed in a blur. Since I’d missed five days of them, I did my best to focus. The last thing I needed was to fail my exams and repeat these courses all over again next semester.
By the time seven rolled around, my brain was pretty fried. As I traipsed up the stairs to the dorms, I considered bailing on the study session with Drake. I stood in the middle of the hallway between the girls’ and boys’ wings. My body begged me to turn to my room and call it a night. But my brain reminded me that Luxora was still out there, and I needed my magic not only to pass exams but to defeat the dark lord.
Cillian and Lucifer were still ironing out the details of their meet and greet according to the headmaster. I thought he was just procrastinating. Asking a favor of his fallen brother couldn’t be easy.
The creak of a door opening turned my head toward the guys’ wing. A platinum blonde head peeked from the doorway midway down the hall. “I thought I heard you out here.”
Busted. No avoiding the study session now.
I forced my feet forward, each step heavier than the last. Besides the exhaustion, I couldn’t deny the little swirl of anxiety churning in my gut at an evening alone with the ice prince. We hadn’t really talked since seeing Ryder.
“You heard me out here?” I asked when I reached his room, and his words finally processed through the jumble of t
houghts swarming my mind.
“Well, I guess it was more like I felt your proximity.” He pointed at the middle of his chest.
I’d never really asked the others’ what the bond felt like for them. Did they feel the individual cords as strongly as I did? Embarrassment steamrolled over me at the thought of them experiencing what I’d felt when I went to see Ryder. They’d all known where I was.
“Do you feel everything I do?” I brushed by Drake and dropped my backpack on the couch.
“Oh gods, no.” He shook his head, trailing behind me. “I would not want to get sucked into that human emotional turmoil.”
I quirked an annoyed brow. “Thanks.”
“I learned to block all of you out as soon as the bond was formed—you especially.”
I sank into the couch and shot him my best dagger eyes. “Am I really that bad?”
“Yes.” He folded down beside me, grinning.
“Then why do you hang out with me so much?”
“I often ask myself the same question.” He grabbed the Demon History textbook from the side table and cracked it open across his lap.
I groaned. The last thing I wanted to study right now was demons. “Could we start with something else maybe?”
Drake rolled his eyes and grunted. “See, that’s exactly what I mean. You humans let your emotions rule over you. You can’t even separate your feelings enough to study a semi-related subject because you can’t take your mind off our old demon instructor.”
Ouch. I hugged my arms around myself. “Geez, why don’t you tell me how you really feel, Drake?”
“Well, since you asked. I will.” He straightened, swiveling his body toward me. “You’ve been so consumed with your own romantic drama that you’re letting everything else slide. You’re skipping training, missing classes, and your magic is going to suffer. When Luxora shows up next, you’ll be the one paying the price. And all for what?”