And then there are the people at HarperCollins. David Hirshey has a history of buying books from me that I don’t complete; I am so grateful for his bravery and foolishness on this one. When he left HC, he tossed me with a perfect pitch (that will be my only sports metaphor for 250 pages, I promise) into the extraordinarily caring, smart hands of Gail Winston and her associate editor, Sofia Groopman. There is no good writing without great editing. How did I get so lucky?
Now I understand why Academy Award winners thank their agents. I was blessed to have Suzanne Gluck and Tracy Fisher at William Morris Endeavor. I, like so many others, am terrified of Suzanne, which is why I spent two years ducking her phone calls when she was “checking in” to see how this book was going. Very grateful I can talk to her, for now. I look forward to avoiding her calls on many projects in the future.
Pamela Paul and Jen Szalai at the New York Times and Kim Hubbard at People gave me a chance to do something I loved—book reviewing—thus giving me a much needed distraction from my own book. Other editors who showed more forbearance than I deserved: Kate Lowenstein, Bob Love, Lea Goldman, Rachel Clark, Olessa Pindak, Danielle Pergament.
Now, Laura Marmor. She is my editor and friend at the New York Times. She originally urged me to write the article “To Siri, With Love” based on some dopey three-line status update on Facebook. Laura loves tea towels. I don’t know why. She deserves a truckload. So if you like this book, you can do two things. You can buy another copy for a friend, or send a tea towel to Laura Marmor, c/o The New York Times, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, NY 10018.
I would also like to thank the inventors of online Scrabble and Words with Friends. True, I might have finished this book a year earlier without them, but at least they helped me contain the anxiety that comes with having to think hard about your own children. If I had to choose between a night with Gerard Butler and scoring the word QWERTY, it would be a tough call.
Friends and family (and sometimes the line between them is blurred): Jane Greer, Jen Lupo, Jose Ibietatorremendia, Nigella Lawson, Ann Leary, Julie Klam, Laura Zigman, Annabelle Gurwitch, Sheila Weller, Aimee Lee Ball, Lisa DePaulo, Lewis Friedman, Emlyn Eisenach, Nancy Kalish, Megan Daum, Meg Wolitzer, Ellen Marmur, Steven Weinreb, Cynthia Heller, Elissa Petrini, David Galef, Lindsey Cashman, Michelle Sommerville, Amy Lewis, Laurie Lewis, Nancy Sager. A special shout-out to punstress Michele Farinet, who came up with the book’s title.
Andrew Nargowala: For the art, for the reluctant therapy, for the fighting, and for the nights you have made me laugh so loud at my computer screen I’ve woken up my kids.
But mostly this book is dedicated to educators. Some taught me, but most spent their resources of brain and spirit on my sons. For Gus, Margaret Poggi at LearningSpring and Francis Tabone at Cooke Academy. Michael Goldspiel and David Getz, school principals, you rescued Henry at a critical time in his life with your understanding and humor and amazing sense of this-too-shall-pass perspective on all kids who are behaving like morons. Dimitri Saliani, Frances Schuchman, Keith Torjuson, Marie Southwell, Mary Clancy, Dina Persampire, Clare O’Connell . . . OK, why don’t I just trot out the faculty lists at my sons’ schools?
Sandra Siegel, Henry and Gus’s surrogate grandmother and a retired teacher herself. Dr. Frank Tedeschi, the deeply insightful psychiatrist and all-around sweetheart every parent wishes she had in her children’s lives.
Gus has some special teachers outside the classroom as well. Michelle Acevedo, former Marine sergeant and current dedicated trainspotter; I’d go into battle with her anytime. My cherished friend Peter Bloch, who makes it his mission to share with Gus his love of old trains in old New York. Michael Shaw—iconoclast, leader, sweetest man at Grand Central: he was the first train conductor to let Gus announce his route, despite the fact that he could have gotten into trouble for it; he gave him an actual MTA conductor’s cap years ago that is still Gus’s favorite possession. Jimmy Boshtraf, Jerry Tarantino, and Dennis Badillo Jr. are three of the doormen in my building. Gus has loved to hang with them since he was little. By putting up with him, they have not only given him a bit of on-the-job training; they have taught lessons in work ethics, courtesy, boundary-setting (I mean, they’re doormen), and treating people’s foibles with humor that you can’t always learn in school.
I know this will be shocking to all of you who are married, but I complain a lot about my husband. I complain here, I complain to friends, and if I had a therapist I’m sure I’d be paying money to complain to her. And yet—OK, nope, there is no “and yet.” I will always complain. Boy, does he love his children, though. I can only explain him in terms of dogs. Have you had a dog who is so comically grumpy for no apparent reason that your load in life is lightened just by being around him? That’s my husband. J, I love you. Now fix your knees.
Mostly and always, to my parents, Frances and Edmund, and my third parent, Aunt Alberta. I wish every day you could be around to see Gus and Henry now.
Resource List
US Organizations
Autism Speaks // autismspeaks.org
Founded in 2005; dedicated to promoting solutions, improving lifestyle for those on the spectrum, fostering understanding and acceptance, and advancing research.
Autism Research Institute // autism.com
Founded in 1967; works to improve the health and well-being of people on the autism spectrum through research and education.
Autism Society // autism-society.org
Founded in 1965; advocates for awareness, research, and appropriate services (schools, facilities) for those with autism and their families.
Autism Research Foundation // theautismresearchfoundation.org
Founded in 1990; supports progressive “brain-based” (neurobiological) research, education, family life, and inclusion programs.
National Autism Association // nationalautismassociation.org
Founded in 2003; focuses on providing support, therapy, and medical services for families in areas of greater need; keeping members of the community up-to-date with the latest information about medical research, education, legislation, therapy trends, and safety; funding research studies; and raising awareness about the autism epidemic.
Doug Flutie Jr. Foundation for Autism // flutiefoundation.org
Founded in 1998 by NFL quarterback Doug Flutie; fund-raises through corporate and individual donations, endorsement promotions; awards grants to nonprofit organizations that provide services, family support, education, advocacy, and recreational opportunities to those with autism.
UK Organizations
National Autistic Society // autism.org.uk
Founded in 1962; UK’s largest provider of specialist autism services, information, and support.
Autism Alliance // autism-alliance.org.uk
Supports autistic families and adults in homes; runs specialized schools for children with autism; on the Autism Programme Board and the All Party Parliamentary Group on Autism.
Child Autism UK // childautism.org.uk
Provides services and advice for families of children with autism (short-term skills like toilet training through full-time applied behavior analysis programs) and for teachers of children with autism.
Autism Independent UK // autismuk.com
Increases awareness of autism, works to improve quality of life for those with autism, and provides a safe and happy community where they can live, work, and play.
Treating Autism // treatingautism.org.uk
Organization run by parents of children and adults with autism; works alongside carers, nurses, speech/language therapists, dieticians, teachers, researchers, health professionals, and adults with autism to improve quality of life and learning.
Autism Northern Ireland // autismni.org
Works to provide services for the twenty thousand people affected by autism throughout Northern Ireland.
Scottish Autism // scottishautism.org
Provides support services for children and adults across Scotland with a focus
on the improvement of quality of life.
Canadian Organizations
Autism Society Canada // autismcanada.org
Founded in 1976; works to advocate for and support Canadians with autism and their families in order for those on the spectrum to have full, happy, and healthy lives.
Autism Speaks Canada // autismspeaks.ca
Founded in 2010; promotes collaboration across communities and medical practices, support of families living with autism; committed to research and services across the country.
Canadian National Autism Foundation // www.cnaf.net
Founded in 2000; promotes education of professionals and the general public, providing information and resources to families of people with autism, funding for Canadian-based research and development, and promotion of national autism awareness.
Autism in Mind (AIM) // autisminmind.org
Founded in 2011; works to bring communities together to accept, understand, and support children with autism in order to provide them with a brighter future.
International Autism Foundation Canada // internationalautismfoundation.cfsites.org
Founded in 1994; focuses on reaching out through Canadian Special Education Missions (CSEM). Focus is on toys, games, and family life/parenting tips for families of children with autism.
Autism Society of British Columbia // autismbc.ca
Works to promote understanding, acceptance, and “full community inclusion” of people with autism within British Columbia.
Autism Society Manitoba // autismmanitoba.com
Dedicated to the promotion of quality of life for people with autism through a network of parents and families and a well-fostered community of professionals.
Autism Society of Newfoundland and Labrador // autism.nf.net
Dedicated to promoting the development of individual, lifelong, and community-based supports and services for people with autism, their families, and their caregivers.
Autism Society Ontario // autismontario.com
Leading source of information and referral on autism and one of the largest collective voices representing the autism community, connected through volunteer chapters throughout Ontario.
Sites by People with Autism
NeuroWonderful: Ask an Autistic // https://www.youtube.com/user/neurowonderful
YouTube Channel by Amythest Schaber.
Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome // http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival
A transcription of the book by Marc Segar, who died in a traffic accident in 1997.
Wrong Planet // wrongplanet.net
American website with articles and blog posts by and for people with autism, Asperger’s, ADHD, etc; topics range from politics to book reviews to polls and discussion pages.
Squag // squag.com
Website with a blog featuring posts written for and by children and young people with autism.
Asperclick // asperclick.com
Forum/blog created by Willow Marsden for people with Asperger’s.
James’ Diary // http://www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk/the-den/diaries.aspx
Blog run by seventeen-year-old James living in England, diagnosed with Asperger’s.
Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism // www.thinkingautismguide.com
Articles by people with autism, parents of children with autism, partners of autistic people, and professionals in the autism-care fields.
Books
Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s, John Elder Robison
NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity, Steve Silberman
In a Different Key: The Story of Autism, John Donvan and Caren Zucker
Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism, Temple Grandin
Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism, Barry M. Prizant, PhD
Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew, Ellen Notbohm
Autism Spectrum Disorder: The Ultimate Teen Guide, Francis Tabone
The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism, Naoki Higashida
The Real Experts: Readings for Parents of Autistic Children, edited by Michelle Sutton
The Autistic Brain: Thinking Across the Spectrum, Temple Grandin
Beyond the Autistic Plateau: A Parent’s Story and Practical Help with Autism, Stephen Pitman
Not Even Wrong: Adventures in Autism, Paul Collins
Love, Tears & Autism, Cecily Paterson
Could It Be That Way: Living with Autism, Michael Braccia
I Know You’re in There: Winning Our War Against Autism, Marcia Hinds
Nothing Is Right, Michael Scott Monje Jr.
My Pet Organizations
Cooke Center // cookecenter.org/
Special education school and services in New York City.
LearningSpring // learningspring.org
Elementary through middle school education for ASD kids.
Nordoff-Robbins Center for Music Therapy // http://steinhardt.nyu.edu/music/nordoff
Karmazin Foundation
Works with Autism Speaks; money primarily for medical research and autism treatment and services.
About the Author
Judith Newman is the author of You Make Me Feel Like an Unnatural Woman, a regular contributor to the New York Times Style Section and People, and a contributing editor to Allure and Prevention. She has also written for Vanity Fair, Harper’s Bazaar, the Wall Street Journal, Vogue, Redbook, GQ, Marie Claire, and Cosmopolitan. She and her sons live in Manhattan.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Also by Judith Newman
You Make Me Feel Like an Unnatural Woman: Diary of a New (Older) Mother
Parents from Hell: Unexpurgated Tales of Good Intentions Gone Awry
Tell Me Another One: A Woman’s Guide to Men’s Classic Lines
Copyright
to siri with love. Copyright © 2017 by Judith Newman. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Chapter Ten, “To Siri With Love,” originally appeared in the New York Times on October 17, 2014.
“Puff The Magic Dragon”
Words and music by Lenny Lipton and Peter Yarrow. Copyright © 1963; renewed 1991 Honalee Melodies (ASCAP) and Silver Dawn Music (ASCAP). Worldwide Rights for Honalee Melodies administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. Worldwide Rights for Silver Dawn Music administered by WB Music Corp. International copyright secured. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard LLC
“Puff (The Magic Dragon)”
Words and music by Peter Yarrow and Leonard Lipton. Copyright © 1963 Pepamar Music Corp. Copyright renewed and assigned to Silver Dawn Music and Honalee Melodies. All Rights for Silver Dawn Music administered by WB Music Corp. All Rights for Honalee Melodies administered Cherry Lane Music Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Used by permission of Alfred Music
first edition
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
Digital Edition AUGUST 2017 ISBN: 978-0-06-241364-2
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-241362-8
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To Siri with Love Page 18