by Alexis Gold
Mia fell asleep and before she knew it, the flight attendants were waking her, telling her that they would be landing soon, and she gathered her things together and prepared herself for one of her lifelong dreams to come true.
The plane touched down and the air crew welcomed them to Rome, Italy. Mia felt excitement mounting in her along with happiness, and it was a welcome change to all the sorrow she had carried since Alexander had walked out of her office.
She stepped foot into the airport and made her way through immigration out into the warm Italian air. All of her senses came to life, and everything in her felt more alive and awake than it had in longer than she could remember. She took the train from the airport into Rome, and the almost hour long ride gave her views of the countryside as she watched it passing by her window. She soaked it all in, every part of it, loving what she saw and relishing the way it made her feel, as if every single second was another new chance at happiness, and she grasped every one of them.
She stayed her first night in Rome at a hotel not far from the Coliseum. Mia dropped her bags at the hotel and went out to walk among the ancient ruins of the inner city. She was so enraptured with them at first that Alexander did not cross her mind, but by dinner time, when she was seated at a table on a side street near a restaurant, she began to feel the edges of sadness creeping in around her.
There seemed to be couples everywhere she looked, and in the deepest part of her heart, she felt an ache for him that she wished would go away. She tried to distract herself with everything she could; being in the Eternal City, she expected that she would be able to forget about him completely, but everywhere she looked and went, it felt as if there was a great void with her that she could not escape from.
She began to wonder if she hadn’t gotten far enough away, and after two days in Rome, wandering about the old streets, seeing all of the old sights, eating gelato and drinking cappuccinos, she decided that she needed to be a little further away and she got on a train to the Amalfi Coast.
The train took her drifting through the countryside, past small towns and little villages. It coursed over meadows and farmland and through the hearts of hills. She closed her eyes part of the way through, and fell asleep from the rhythmic rocking of the car she was riding in. A while later, she arrived in Naples and got on a ferry to head toward Sorrento; a coastal town sitting atop a long expanse of cliffs overlooking the sea.
She sat in the ferry, watching the blue waters of the sea go splashing by her and she tried to focus on where she was. She tried to think only of the history of the places, the natural wonder and beauty of the area, and the fact that she was finally there, but Alexander hovered at the edge of her mind and the center of her heart, constantly tugging at her to remember him and think of him.
The ferry docked in Sorrento and she took a taxi through the beautiful old seaside town, admiring the graceful architecture, narrowing winding streets, and the charm of it all. Taking a bus, she sat beside the window and watched as the bus slowly curled along the highway, slipping past the coastline as the day grew long.
Mia loved seeing all that she saw, and she loved being in Italy, but she realized that no matter where she went, no matter how far she traveled, she was not going to be able to escape him or at least lingering thoughts of him, doing what she was doing. She decided that Ava had been right, and she needed to find herself an Italian lover to get her mind off of Alexander, and back into Italy with no distractions from where she was at all.
When the bus stopped in Positano, she stepped off of it and looked up at the massive mountain rising straight up out of the deep blue sea, and she stared at the wonder of the colorful old village sitting nearly on top of itself as it clung to the side of the hills. It was unlike anything she had ever seen, and it captured her heart immediately.
She asked for directions, and soon enough she found the little bed and breakfast where she would be staying beside the beach. The old couple who owned it also owned a restaurant that was connected to it, and they were gracious and kind to her as she settled into her room. Marco and Isabella welcomed her as if she was family, and she loved the feeling of being in a place that in some other world, maybe in some other life, might have been home to her.
Isabella took her to her room and showed her all of the aspects of the old house. Mia loved all of it.
“Bella, you are here alone?” the older woman asked her with a note of disbelief.
Mia nodded and shrugged. “I am. This holiday is just for me,” she said quietly.
Isabella looked at her and Mia felt that the old woman had the same uncanny ability to see straight through her that Alexander seemed to have. “You are here with a broken heart?” she asked as if the subject was of course up for discussion.
Sighing, Mia gave her a little smile. “I suppose so. I’m hoping to find myself here again,” she said quietly. “I kind of feel like I’ve lost myself along the way, because he is in my heart and mind so much, in places where I used to be by myself, but he is there now, and I can’t seem to make him leave me,” she tried to explain.
Isabella nodded. “I know. I had a broken heart before I met Marco; when I was in Spain. I fell in love with a man, and he was beautiful and terrible, and he broke my heart right in half, but then I came here to Positano, to heal, and I met Marco, and we fell in love, and that was fifty years ago! You will find some happiness here. You will heal again and I will help you. I will introduce you to Paolo. Paolo is a good boy. Paolo could make you happy.” The old woman winked at her and gave her a warm smile and Mia felt her cheeks warm as she laughed shyly.
Isabella seemed to make up her mind that Paolo was the answer to all of Mia’s problems, and she said, “I will tell him to come for dinner, and you can meet him then. It will all be solved!” she said as if the matter were already done and taken care of. Then she went to the doorway and looked back at Mia. “Dress pretty for dinner, and he will be here.” She gave Mia a wink and then left and Mia closed the door and heaved a deep sigh, looking around her at the room.
It was simple but sweet, and it felt more peaceful than any place she had ever been. She could see why there was such a draw to so many people to go to the Amalfi Coast. There was a tall, narrow window in her room that opened to a little balcony overlooking the beach and the water. There were long, sweeping white curtains that seemed to float on the air, and the air was something like Mia had never known.
It was almost cool, it was light, seeming to drift in and wrap its arms around her while simultaneously moving through her body and her soul. It was filled with the scents of blossoms and a hint of fresh sea without the briny smell that she found so often at the edge of the Manhattan island.
The room had a double bed and she laughed at the irony that she was trying to get away for herself and she had gotten a bed that fit two people. She raised one brow, wondering if maybe she would find someone there in the little village to share the bed with. There was a tall, old, wooden wardrobe with a mirror inset into it, and a tiny private bathroom with a shower in it.
The little tables beside the bed were set with lamps, and the little table beside the tall windows that opened out to the balcony was set with a pretty vase of flowers and bougainvillea that had brilliant shades of purple, red, and hot pink.
She stepped out onto the balcony and rested her hands on the edge of it, looking all around her at the breathtaking sea and shoreline, and what small part of the village she could see from where she was. It was like finding herself in a dream, and she hoped she could lose herself in it and then come back to herself completely.
Mia closed her eyes and breathed in the sweet and fresh salty air, letting it fill all of her in a great breath, and as it filled her, and then left her when she exhaled, she believed that she would find the peace she so desperately sought there.
She decided to go for a walk on the beach and as she walked out into the late spring afternoon, she felt grateful that she was one of the few people there in the village and
on the pebble covered beach. There weren’t many people around and it enabled her to feel as if she could have the solitude that she craved.
Her phone rang, and it startled her. Looking down at it with a frown, the frown quickly changed to a wide smile as she saw who it was and answered it right away.
“Liam! How are you?” she asked with delight. “What on earth are you doing calling me?”
He laughed at her. “Well, to begin with, I’m just fine. I’m calling you to make sure that you’re fine as well. I am worried about you. You didn’t seem like you were too good a shape when you left, and I wanted to make sure that you arrived in Italia safely, because I didn’t hear from you my darling, and I wanted to know how your trip is going so far.”
She felt a huge bubble of happiness welling up in her just from the sound of her friend’s voice, and she sat down on the beach and watched the waves rolling in, holding her phone close to hear him, and to have his voice as near to her as she could.
“Well, I did make it safely, and Italy is amazing. Rome was incredible… you know, we know it’s old, but you get there, and you walk around in it and see the ruins and you see the Vatican, and then you really slowly being to realize just how old it is, and it’s kind of mind-boggling. Our country is a couple of hundred years old. That city itself is a couple of thousand years old, and the contrast is just… unbelievable. It’s kind of hard to wrap your mind around.”
He chuckled. “I felt like that in London the first time I went.” He said with a fond smile that she could hear as he spoke. “So you loved Rome. Are you still in Rome? How is the wine? How is the food? Did you meet anyone yet?”
She laughed a little and realized that she hadn’t laughed in a long time. It felt good to her, like a little release, and she wanted more of it. “Well, I was in Rome, and the wine was excellent of course, and the food was some of the best I’ve ever had. I’ll tell you something, Liam, we think we have good Italian food in the city; and it’s all right, even in little Italy there on the south side of Manhattan, we think we have good Italian…”
He chuckled, “Yes, we do…”
Mia shook her head. “We do not know anything about Italian food. It’s so much better here, and I don’t mean just a little bit. Every flavor, every texture… all of it. It’s unbelievable. I didn’t know food could taste this good. I’m going to come back heavier than I left, that’s for sure!” she laughed again and loved being able to do it.
“It is the motherland of food, that’s true,” he agreed. “So what else? Did you meet anyone? What’s going on?”
She smiled a little and looked out at the gently rolling waves that lapped into shore, washing the pebbles and making a hushing sound as if the sea was softly kissing the land over and over.
“Well, I left Rome. There were couples everywhere and it was kind of crazy and busy, not as crazy as Manhattan is, but just… it was too much. Sensory overload. I needed some peace. I needed a place to…” she paused. She wanted to be careful about how and what she said. “I needed a place to kind of regroup, I guess, and Rome was wonderful, but it wasn’t the place I needed to be.”
There was quiet at the other end of the line for a long moment. She wondered if the call had been dropped.
“Mia, I am going to ask you this and I want you to be honest with me. Are you trying to get over a certain tall, handsome, big man?” he asked quietly.
She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. She didn’t know how Liam knew her so well. She supposed that it was because he was indeed her best friend, but she could not hold anything back from him any longer.
A hot tear found its way from her thick dark eyelashes and rolled down her cheek. “Yes…” she finally admitted.
“Mia, honey, did you fall in love with him?” he asked her quietly.
She drew a deep breath in slowly so that it would not choke her with emotion and she let the sweet air calm her before she answered. “Yes, Liam, I guess I did. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to believe it. It happened so fast! I mean, one minute I’m doing that silly challenge, trying to get him to sleep with me and then leave him, and then the next minute, he is making me wait and get to know him, he’s taking his time, and showing me parts of him that I just couldn’t resist. He is such an interesting, intelligent, good man. He sees the world like no one else does, and I can’t believe I didn’t try to hold on to him for as long as I could with everything in me. He’s a really truly good man, and I couldn’t help it… he was so romantic, so enigmatic, and oh my god was he a good lover. He’s everything all wrapped up in one incredible person, and I wrecked it. I threw it away and lost him, and now I am having to deal with that and try to get over him.” More tears stung at her eyes and she sniffed and tried to wipe them away.
Liam was completely sympathetic. “Oh honey… oh god. I’m so sorry! I wish I was there to hug you so tight right now. I hate that you are hurting this much and that you are alone. You should not be alone. Not right now!”
She sniffed and sighed. “It’s okay, Liam. It’s good for me. I just… I guess I thought that coming to Italy would make it easier to forget him, and that if I was this far enough away, he wouldn’t constantly be on my mind, but it didn’t work. I got to Rome and it seemed like he was in my thoughts and dreams just as much as he was in New York, if not more, and I tried to be present in Rome… you know, really soak it in and enjoy it and forget all about him, and I was happy for the first day, but that didn’t last at all. I couldn’t get away from him. I saw couples everywhere and I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and so I left. I left Rome and I took this crazy trip to Positano, and so now I’m sitting on this beach by myself trying to make myself forget about him.”
There was a pause at the other end of the line. “Where are you?” he asked quizzically.
She took a breath and tried to still the riot of emotions in her. “I’m in Positano. It’s on the Amalfi Coast. It’s a seaside village.”
“Oh! Wow… well, I guess if that doesn’t help you relax a little, then probably not much else will.” He was quiet a moment and then asked her softly, “Mia, did you ever tell him that you love him? Did you tell him at all how you feel about him?”
She shook her head, even though she knew that he couldn’t see her. “No, god of course not. I never said a word to him about it. Why would I do that?”
Liam gave a little thoughtful hum. “Well my dear, I was just thinking of what happened at Hastings when you were out to dinner with Logan. When you said you saw Alexander and he kissed you. I know him a little bit, just from working with him, and I kind of feel like if he kissed you there at that restaurant, especially if he was out on a date with another woman, he might feel more strongly about you than he told you, just like you are holding back your feelings for him. He’s not one to cheat, not even a little bit like a quick kiss by a bathroom door. He’s not like that, and you know it.”
She sighed and considered what he was saying. She knew that Liam was right. Alexander wasn’t the type to cheat, and he would never intentionally wrong someone or hurt them, like leaving a woman he was dating at the dinner table in a restaurant while he kissed another woman by the bathroom. She frowned as she realized that there might be more going on than just Alexander exacting some revenge on her.
“What are you getting at, Liam?” she asked in confusion.
He sighed. “I’m saying that maybe you should tell him how you feel, because maybe he feels more for you than he has yet been willing to admit and maybe the two of you can find some kind of common ground where it would work out for you two to be together. I think you owe it to him and you owe it to yourself to try to figure that out.”
She felt her heart nearly stop in her chest. “What? You must be kidding. I’m not going to call him up and tell him that I fell in love with him. I just barely admitted it to myself, and even so; he’s the last person I want to say that to. He hates me. He hates what I did to him. He doesn’t want me speaking to him and he doesn’t want
to see me. He never wants anything to do with me again and after what I did to him and put him through, I can’t blame him at all. Why on earth would I call him and bother him and tell him that I fell in love with him? That’s the worst idea I ever heard!” she exclaimed indignantly.
Liam let her say all of her piece and then he spoke softly to her. “You should tell him because I think he feels more for you than just all of that anger and resentment. I think that anger is because he feels strongly about you too, beneath it all. No one gets that angry when there isn’t underlying emotion. I think you owe it to the both of you to tell him how you really feel and see if there is anything that can be fixed and shared together. If you are in love isn’t it worth whatever risk or sacrifice you might have to make to see if it’s the real thing? Isn’t love worth that?” he asked pointedly.
She sighed and closed her eyes thinking about it. Was love worth risking her heart and her dignity for? Was it worth going out on a limb and telling him just how she felt, so that he would know everything and then he could make the best decision for himself? Wouldn’t it be worth trying to at least say it so that he knew?
“I don’t know, Liam…” she said in a near whisper.
“Listen, angel face, let me ask you like this. Your heart is pretty much broken right now, isn’t it?” he asked gently.
“Yes,” she answered solemnly. “It’s not too good.”
“What could be worse than the pain you already have? What are you actually going to lose by telling him that you love him? Do you even have any dignity left? I mean… that kind of went out the door with him when he walked out of your office, didn’t it?” His voice was the voice of truth, and she couldn’t deny anything he was saying to her.