“Do you want to get out today?” Ryder bargained when he could tell she was slacking. Whenever she was done for the day he always forced her to do one more set.
“No,” Maggie lied, huffing through the strain. Some exercises were downright excruciating to get through.
The mention of a drive had her pushing forward, knowing Ryder would keep his word and not take her if she didn’t try her hardest.
Often as her reward for finishing he took her for rides on his motorcycle. Cars no longer had a hold on her. All she saw when she looked at one was destruction and loss. One day Ryder knew she needed to get out and get away, as she had been particularly grumpy that day. He thought getting some fresh air would be the magical cure. She remembered thinking, if only life were so easy. He proposed a drive where she went on his motorcycle. Turns out he had been right. Taking the bike out cleared her mind and allowed her the freedom to be in the moment, to feel peace and not the deprecating self-loathing that had taken over her life. They’d cruise for as long as Maggie’s body could handle, a smile on both their faces the entire time.
They usually ended the ride at her parent’s house, where Ryder would stay and have dinner, sometimes staying to watch a movie with the three of them. Maggie’s favorite was when the ride ended at his place where they’d do the same, but without the hovering of her parents, or – like today – his moms’ house.
Dinner was still cooking, so Ryder led Maggie to the hammock in the back, helping her walk there. Their rides, on top of her physical therapy, left her body achy and sore.
She got in first with his assistance, then he eased in himself, draping her body on his, chest to chest.
Cuddling in the hammock had become their favorite spot. It hadn’t always been that way. At first Ryder would lean against the tree by her feet, or on the ground next to her. Maggie eventually wore him down and he joined her, stiff and uncomfortable. Somewhere around the seventh time he eased into it, letting her rest over him. Now he seemed to enjoy these moments just as much as she did.
Ryder had become her rock, something solid to hold onto.
Maggie exhaled, her body relaxing into his, “Do you only like me now because I’m damaged?”
He laughed softly, rumbling his chest, “No.”
Maggie flushed in embarrassment, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you liked me. I just figured…you know… with all the time you’ve spent helping me…”
“Maggie,” Ryder released a heavy sigh that tickled her scalp. “I’ve had a crush on you since the first day I saw you.”
She lifted her head, “No you didn’t.”
“I did. I swear,” he gently laid her head back down on his chest, tense whenever they became face to face. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not the best with people.”
She smiled, snuggling her head into the crook of his neck, “I like that about you. I like that you’re not like everybody else. You’re the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah, I’m a real man,” the mockery in his tone exposed his insecurities.
“Don’t do that. Don’t put yourself down. Not everybody wants some brute of a man who pounds his chest.”
“What is it that you want?” He quietly questioned.
She thought about it for a moment before responding, “Someone who will love me through it all, who has seen me at my worst and loves me anyway. Someone who always sees the good in me even when I don’t. Someone like you.”
Maggie could feel Ryder’s heartrate increase, pounding through his chest straight into her ear. She liked when she had an effect over him. Sometimes during exercises she’d purposely touch him, just to see the goosebumps pebble up and around where her skin had been.
“I don’t deserve you though,” she admitted more to herself, the words finalizing it in a way that crushed her.
“That is the furthest thing from the truth,” Ryder exposed himself to her like he never had before. “You don’t even know what you’ve come to mean to me. You’re my light at the end of the tunnel. You need to get past this, to believe in yourself again.”
A leaf fell from a branch, swaying its way down to Ryder’s stomach.
“I’m not the same person as before.” Maggie picked the leaf up between her fingers. “The girl you first met or the one you traveled with.”
“I know.”
Maggie twirled the leaf between her index finger and thumb, “I don’t think I’ll ever be her again.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he firmly conveyed, in a way that Maggie felt inclined to believe him. “It was more about the way you made me feel. The hope you gave me.”
That was funny; he had become the same thing to her. He was keeping her out of the darkness, a place she would have happily gone if he hadn’t been there, reaching out a hand to her.
“Do you know what fallen leaves do?” Ryder asked, tapping the leaf in her hand. “They break down into the earth's soil, nourishing it, helping to provide it with what it will need to grow stronger.”
“I know what you’re doing,” Maggie told him, holding the leaf to her chest. “But it’s not the same thing.”
“No?” Ryder took the leaf from her hand and lightly trailed it along her face. “I think it’s pretty darn close, but it’s never going to happen if you won’t let it.”
“How?” How was she supposed to get over what she had done, or at the very least move past it? She had killed a man. A wonderful man. A man with a bright future. A man of worth. A man who was an important part of who she was. She could barely recall a childhood memory that he hadn’t been a part of.
“You could start by visiting his parents,” Ryder suggested with caution, always getting a strong reaction from her in the past.
Maggie shook her head “no” through the entire sentence.
She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be ready.
“You have to let this go before it eats you alive.”
Maybe that’s exactly what she wanted it to do.
“What if I went with you,” he offered. “We could go right now.”
“I can’t,” Maggie pleaded. Surely he understood.
“Rip the band aid off, Maggie. The worst case is that it sucks you further into the black hole you’ve been living in, right?”
Was that all? She felt the urge to reply.
Ryder continued before she had the chance, “You’re headed there anyway. I know the signs. Either way, you need to do it Maggie. I know you, and it’s eating you up inside.”
“You don’t know me,” she snapped, reminding her of how cruel she had been to him at the beginning of her recovery. She hated that she had treated him so poorly.
Ryder didn’t take offense, knowing he did know her and she knew it.
He perhaps knew and understood her better than her siblings; something she never thought possible.
Ryder eased out from under her, “Come on.”
She stayed in place, watching him leave.
Her legs began moving over the side of the hammock of their own accord. Before she knew it her helmet was strapped on and she was wrapping her arms around Ryder, letting him take her to the one place she never wanted to visit.
The ride was far too short before they arrived at the Kings.
Ryder let her sit behind him while she worked up the courage to knock on the door.
“Will you go in with me?” She asked in a meek voice, not a single ounce of courage to be found.
“Of course.”
They both got off the bike, Ryder extending his hand out for her to take. She stared at that hand, not because she was unsure of taking it, but because she understood the sacrifice, no, the gift he was giving her. He wanted her to take his hand, to draw strength from him.
She wasn’t deserving of it. She selfishly took it anyway. He gave it a squeeze.
She held on for dear life as they walked up the path to the King’s house.
Ryder didn’t intervene as she took her time befo
re knocking. It had to have been close to ten minutes before her hand finally rapped lightly on the door.
Carol opened the door almost immediately.
It was clear she was surprised to find Maggie standing there.
Ryder squeezed her hand again.
Words pumped out as though the two were connected, “Are you and Malik free to talk?”
Carol started to speak, but the words croaked. She cleared her throat, trying again, “Of course.” She opened the door wider, motioning for them to enter, “You know where the living room is. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll go get my husband.”
Ryder and Maggie took the loveseat that was across from the couch.
Ryder took the hand that he was holding onto his lap, letting both of his wrap around her tiny one, engulfing it. A thumb rubbed rhythmically along her skin, soothing her while they sat in silence, waiting for the couple to return.
“Maggie,” Malik greeted, trying to be cheerful, apprehension written in his undertone and features.
“Hi,” Maggie tried to smile; it came out plastic and fake.
Carol was right behind her husband with some lemonade that nobody touched, taking a seat next to Malik.
Carol and Malik tried making small talk, stopping when the couple before them only answered with robotic, monotone answers.
Ryder gave Maggie’s hand another squeeze.
Maggie squeezed back in a death grip, taking whatever she could from him as she spoke, “I needed to come here to apologize.” She held her free hand up as the couple opened their mouths to respond, “Before you say anything, I need to get this all out.”
Maggie clutched harder to Ryder’s hand as she expelled the words she had inside of her, “I’m so sorry.” She shook her head, it wasn’t enough. She swallowed in air that kept getting trapped in her lungs. “Sorry isn’t enough. No word is. I just…I just wish it was me instead. God, how I wish it was me.” Tears set fire to her eyes as she held them back, and a lump so deep it hurt clogged her throat, “I should have come sooner. I’m a coward. I couldn’t face the two of you. Not after what I did.” She had to pause to keep it in and not let the tears win, “I’m not here for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it, nor do I want it.” She shrugged, placing a hand over her mouth, the fingertips resting over her cheek, swiping away drops of fallen regret and remorse.
Malik spoke first, “Thank you. I would be lying if there weren’t moments I had wished the same thing.”
Ryder’s grip tightened just as strong as hers. Maggie patted the top, reassuring him she was alright. She needed to hear his words, no matter what came out.
Ryder had been right.
She was finding peace.
At last.
“There are nights I wonder if I’ll ever make it out of the darkness,” Malik continued, reaching out for his wife’s hand. “No father should have to know the pain of losing a child, but Xavier,” he choked back the name, putting a fist to his mouth. “Sorry, it’s still hard to say his name out loud. He would never forgive us if we didn’t forgive you. He would have told us about the hundreds of races the two of you had, how this time things went wrong–”
Maggie had to cut in, the pent up emotions finally releasing, tears cascading down so fast she couldn’t stop them, “Because of my need to win. If I hadn’t had to prove myself, he’d still be here.”
Carol began crying with her.
Maggie went with instinct. She limped over to the woman who had mothered the boy they would always have in their hearts, a special section reserved only for him.
She sat next to her and the two women held each other, weeping.
Maggie didn’t try to apologize anymore, even though that’s all she wanted to say, over and over again.
“He wouldn’t have wanted it to be you,” Carol sobbed, holding on to Maggie. “No matter whose fault it had been, he wouldn’t have wanted it to be you. He would have been living as a shell if it had been you. He loved you. So much.”
The two women cried harder at the admission.
“Neither one of us holds resentment,” Malik came around to the other side of Maggie, joining in on the unleashing of tears and emotions. “We’re honest to God relieved you and Vi came out alive. And now we all have an angel looking over us. You know he’ll do everything in his power to make sure we all get to live the rest of our lives in all the happiness and luxuries we desire.”
Maggie couldn’t help but laugh through the tears, picturing Xavier negotiating with God on how much interference he was allowed. No doubt he’d win.
Carol pulled back, taking Maggie’s face into her hands, “There’s only one thing you could do for us.”
“Anything,” she pleaded.
“Let what happened go. Don’t let your life pass you by. Live it for the both of you,” Carol pulled Maggie back in for a hug, whispering into her ear. “Visit us every month, tell us of the adventures you are living, big and small. Be the Maggie we have always known and loved; the one our son was so enamored by.”
Maggie didn’t promise anything, only managing a nod, but vowed in her head to try as hard as she could to get that part of her back. For the first time in almost a year she wanted to start living again. For Xavier, for his parents, for herself. For the boy who had brought her there.
She didn’t stay much longer; they all needed some separation to process it all. To cry, to grieve, to move forward.
Maggie wrapped her arms around Ryder after getting on his bike, “Take us away. To the place we love the most.”
Ryder needed no further explanation, taking them hours away from Mesa, all the way to another state, to a certain beach they had grown closer from.
Weekends away turned into a ritual. Every Friday after work Ryder came and got Maggie, not bringing her home until late Sunday night. Her parents weren’t thrilled, but they never stopped it, not having heard hope in their daughter’s voice in such a long time.
It was their fifth weekend there and Maggie was growing frustrated that Ryder had yet to make a move. The two shared a bed at night, cuddling like they would in the hammock. Nothing more. She could tell he wanted to. She knew she could make the first move just as easily. In all honesty, she was just as nervous and scared, just as inexperienced as he was.
“Do you believe in love at first sight?” Maggie wondered, drawing shapes in the sand with her finger.
“Yes,” Ryder immediately responded, staring off towards the horizon. “Do you?”
“No,” she answered as though it was a recent revelation.
He turned his head in curiosity, “You don't?”
Maggie gave a small shrug of her shoulders, avoiding eye contact, “If it was real, then it would have happened with you.”
Ryder remained silent, eyes focused on her. With each passing second her heartbeat became stronger. Louder.
He took her hand in his, “I felt it. I felt it strong enough for the both of us.”
She nodded, believing that he had. It was written in his eyes, in the way he looked at her. In the way he touched her, as if the feel of her skin was a precious gift, one to savor.
Maggie didn’t have anything to add that would be fitting. There were no words to describe how she felt for him; not even a simple “I love you” would express how deep he ran inside of her.
Ryder's warm hand stroked her cheek, drawing her lips to his. The kiss started slow, building its intensity. The couple was soon holding tight to each other, mouths expressing the need their bodies had. Maggie lifted her hand to run her fingers through his hair, hovering over the strands, always cautious before she touched a part of him she hadn’t yet.
He nodded his consent, groaning into her mouth when they entwined.
Both their heartrates picked up, beating against one another, their lips moving together as though they always had.
“Take me to our room,” Maggie pleaded, needing more of him. Needing all of him.
“Are you sure?” He breathed along her lips.
�
��Yes,” she expressed with more confidence than she had ever felt about anything.
Their lovemaking was awkward at first, both unsure of where or how to touch. It didn’t matter, it was the connection they craved, to be a part of the other.
After they had finished Ryder bundled Maggie into his arms, thanking her for the most beautiful moment in his life.
Maggie thanked him in return for becoming her light in the darkness.
Nothing more was said, knowing that as long as the other was close, whatever demons they had to face would be conquered.
Chapter 55
Anymore
“Ava, get the hell over here!”
Ava set down the tray of muffins she was stocking to scurry over to her boss’s son, Dick, who had the swinging door open that led to the kitchen.
“Mind telling me what all this is about?” He didn’t need to point out what he was referring to; it was the entire kitchen.
“When it’s slow, Mr. Denlow lets me experiment with new recipes,” she explained, referring to the mess she’d made of the kitchen. “You don’t have to worry, I make sure everything’s squeaky-clean by the end of my shift.”
“Have you ever heard of a heatwave?” Dick probed in his condescending voice that was always barking at Ava. His swamp-colored eyes and bushy brows narrowed in on her. “It’s mid-July, hot as hell, air-conditioner on nonstop. Then you go and have the oven going all day. Do you have any idea how much energy costs?”
Ava cowered back as he towered over her, “Yes, sir.”
“Well, you sure as fuck don’t act like it. Do you have any clue how much your little experiments cost my bakery?”
It wasn’t his bakery, not yet anyway. Ava prayed that day never happened. She loved everything about the job except for the owner’s son, whose name said it all. Besides, her creations ended up making the bakery far more than it cost her to figure them out. People came by every week to try her latest flavor, always leaving with a box of them.
Dick answered before she could, “More than they should. I’m taking money out of your check to cover the costs. I expect you to stay after your shift to clean up the mess. In fact, you can take my shift and close up tonight. You can do the cleanup then. Don’t let this happen again.”
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