It was at the news of the public outrage regarding Emelius Cartwright’s snub by the Nobel Prize committee that I realized that something had to be done. The public threw him a birthday celebration to show how much he matters. So I killed Emelius Cartwright, the month after his birthday parade, to show how much he doesn’t matter. It became the most-read piece of fiction in the world, second only to the Bible. It is the only thing I have ever done for which the general public has not forgiven me.
Yet. The fact is, the average person cares more about the fate of Emelius Cartwright than he does about his neighbor. When pressed with a question, the person will admit that Mr. Cartwright is frivolous, but with all of the problems in the world, doesn't one deserve a little frivolity? The world is torn apart by corruption, starvation, natural disasters, violence, extremism, and a lengthy list of other topics not suitable for dinner conversation. It’s heartbreaking, and soul-draining, for any individual to deal with all those problems at once. Of course, there are over seven billion people to share the problematic load, but they are the same seven billion people creating all the problems. A logical mind would suggest that the human race stop causing problems in order to save itself, but explaining that concept to seven billion people is more than one person could do in a lifetime. But, if all of those people work together, each in his or her own sphere, then the insurmountable project becomes much more manageable. If somehow, everyone in the world is convinced that his or her smallest actions affect world peace, and that he or she should act as peaceably as possible to each other, then it will create a domino effect that would change the world.
As soon as Emelius Cartwright’s head hit the pavement, I ran the numbers for world peace.
I already know that I can’t speak to every person in the world individually. A broadcast won’t do anything for longer than fifteen minutes. These will have to be private conversations, person to person. The population is crawling up to 7.5 billion, but for ease of calculation I’ll round it up to eight billion, as that will allow for some population growth. If I take five minutes to talk to eight billion people, then it will take 40,000,000,000 minutes, or 666,666,666.667 hours. Talking non-stop for sixteen hours a day, that will take 114,155.25 years. I’ve never been one for laziness, but I might like to retire before I am 114,179 years old.
Let’s assume that I have an endless supply of money, which I do, and that I can hire people to help me, which I can. I will cut down the shifts to eight hours a day, but they will still need to work 365 days a year. I will set a cap for five years to reach everyone. Given those numbers, I will need 45,664 people to work for me, constantly on the move, all over the world, speaking multiple languages, believing every word they're saying, never getting ill or losing motivation, every single day.
I’m calling it Peace by Piece.
15.
When I make a Plan, I hold back a little. Though I trust and value my employees to follow through on any project to which they are assigned, there is no reason for an entire organization to know the plans of an employer until it’s necessary. There are things a President should know that the citizens should not.
I call Zero-Zero-One into my downtown office. She looks tired, but happy to see me. Her hair is fading back to its original color. Her skin is rougher, but her eyes are still sharp. I do some quick math in my head and realize that I haven’t seen her in person since the fourth Emelius Cartwright book came out. That was six years ago.
She smiles. “Funny how two people can be so close to each other but so far from each other.” She has been my closest associate for eighteen years, and my legal partner for fifteen. She owns her own house, a number of cars, and several condos that she leases in Brooklyn. She is incredibly wealthy, the chairwoman for an organization that provides free science and engineering after school classes to low-income youth. She is on the board of a dozen other charities. She consults and trains new employees at Final Solutions and facilitates and manages all their business. Additionally, her house is spotless, or so I’m told. She takes a beaten legal pad out of her purse and balances it on her knees. Some things never change.
I tell her my idea for world peace.
When I’m done, she is silent. I am silent. She runs the same calculations I did earlier.
She sighs. “Do you realize how much this is going to cost?”
I’m a little disappointed. I am sure that I taught her my breath-holding technique.
“I don’t want to discourage you, but I don’t know if you’ve thought this through entirely. The start-up costs alone – vehicles, hiring process, living arrangements – not to mention the training, the administrators we’ll need to hire to organize the teams, the salaries of all these people, the taxes – it’s a fortune. Even for you.”
I tell her that for a decade I’ve been buying and investing in land overseas, particularly in developing and recovering countries like Haiti, Lithuania, and Somalia. In addition to contributing to the welfare and infrastructure of the countries, I also have quite a bit of money in overseas bank accounts. Along with my sizeable Emelius Cartwright residuals, it should be plenty.
She is silent again. Two times in one visit. It’s never happened before. “I should have known that you plan for everything. Of course you know how much this is going to cost. How long have you actually had this idea?”
What good is an idea if it remains an idea?
She has to agree with me. She picks up her pen to take notes.
As usual I have a plan for the hiring and training process. Every trial will be a competition and a team-building exercise so the candidates have to learn to work together to win. It will create a bigger-than-us dynamic that will work perfectly for the cause. They don’t need any real skills, they just need to maintain enthusiasm and believe in what they’re doing. I am writing a short manual for them to read, full of quotes, pictures of devastation, world statistics, some short phrases they can use to turn around dead-end conversations--
Zero-Zero-One raises her hand to stop me. “Let me edit it. You tend to be a bit flowery.”
Her tone is more sardonic than usual. Does she not believe that this will work?
“What I believe has no bearing on what will happen. What you believe has no bearing on the facts. I ran the numbers—“
So did I.
“—and if you think it will work—“
I do.
“—then it likely will. You’ve never let anyone else’s limitations dictate yours. If you have any qualms about my dedication or willingness in this venture then you can assign me elsewhere. My only concern is that history has proven that peace is impossible as long as there are unpeaceful people.”
I will eliminate Unpeacefulness.
“I can’t wait to see you do something God has never achieved.”
To Whom It May Concern:
Below you will find the names of those of us who have decided we’ve had enough.
The Eons of Unpeace have lasted far too long.
The Eons of Unpeace have created a world that no child is fit to live in. Children die of starvation, thirst, and neglect. They are given guns and told to shoot. They are handed veils and told to marry.
The Eons of Unpeace have turned us against each other. We quote deities and proclaim that we know the true way to Peace. We cannot achieve Peace by killing those who don’t agree with us.
It’s time to stop.
It is time for the Age of Peace.
The Age of Peace will guarantee food, water, shelter, and safety for every person in the world.
The Age of Peace will focus on healing the wounds of Unpeace’s victims and ensuring that all children born will only know Peace.
The Age of Peace will unite people of all races, creeds, and cultures against violence and inequality. We will no longer reap discontent with our brothers because there will be no seeds to sow.
Deny yourself, pick up the banner of peace, and follow your brothers into a new world where everyone is brave enough to thi
nk of others at all times.
These are our demands.
Undersigned,
Peace by Piece
16.
We don’t make a big announcement about Peace by Piece. Zero-Zero-One creates a restrictive budget limiting the amount of people I’m allowed to hire to 40,000, claiming that my eight billion population estimate is too high. We place the advertisement for Ambassadors, as we have come to call them, and wait for the media to do its work. Though Final Solutions and Labor Placements has lowered the unemployment rate by making companies more efficient, more profitable, and more likely to create new jobs, every year there is a new crop of directionless graduates, disillusioned desk jockeys, and bored spouses looking for more than a job – looking for something to live for. The artistic and altruistic ones especially, who say that their efforts are the only things that matter, when in fact it is success, not effort, that they are really chasing, are especially prevalent in the unemployed or the unhappily employed. We post free ads on a popular want-sell-trade website, in every major city. We decide to hold interviews and training in eight cities across the country: Atlanta, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Boston, Philadelphia, Kansas City, Houston, and Boulder.
After two days, we have 400,000 applications. Obviously I am not going to sift through these myself. I am far beyond that! Haha. Employees 405 and 410, who helped me develop the program to organize and categorize the employers and employees of Final Solutions and Labor Placements, have been working on another project for several years. This is one server connected to three computers that can analyze and interview applicants on its own. I call it JOBS.
JobsOne and JobsTwo sorts through the applications, marking the probable and improbable, while JobsThree takes note of special qualifications on each application, sending the notes back to JobsOne and JobsTwo to reconsider any Improbables with desirable skills. This process whittles down our numbers to 300,000.
Soon the media, and the general population, takes notice of our giant game of Go Fish. We are contacted by a dozen production companies about making a reality show about the process, and, depending on ratings, follow some of the more camera-friendly ambassadors as they begin their crusade. I agree with the caveat that I will never appear on camera.
I work alongside 405 and 410 to narrow down the numbers even further. We create an additional survey that includes a detailed medical history and requirement to take a standard physical exam. We lose several younger and older applicants there, as the older applicants do not have the necessary physique, and the younger applicants don’t realize how important it is to visit a doctor regularly. That reduces our number to 225,000.
Though we are legally bound not to require qualifications based on age, we state very plainly, in a series of emails, that those selected will be signing a five-year contract. There will be no sick days or vacations. Anyone who goes AWOL will be subject to an enormous fine to replace themselves with a new recruit. There is no backing out once the Plan is in motion. With these stringent admonitions, our numbers trickle down to 170,000.
In the midst of the withdrawal of applications, our email server explodes and our phones ring off the hook. Some of the calls concern the length of the contract, starting date, and health questions. Anyone who calls and asks a question that was already addressed in the mailer is asked a trick question to see if they have even read the material. Some people, after hearing an answer to a question that seems insignificant but for them makes or breaks the job, request that their applications be put “on hold” while they think about it a little more. Their applications are put on hold immediately and permanently. The world cannot wait until some over-feeling flip-flopper with convictions as solid as a jellyfish to make up his or her mind about the “best” thing to do. If you aren’t sure that you want to help save the world, then you should definitely stay home.
Our numbers crumble to 150,000 and stabilize.
January 31, 2028
“The Outlook”
JM: Welcome back to “The Outlook.” I’m Joyce Meyers. If you’re just tuning in, we’re talking about Peace by Piece, the world peace-positive organization that’s sweeping the country looking for nearly fifty thousand ambassadors to canvas the streets of the world for peace. We’re here with three potential ambassadors, and in conjunction with our legal agreement with Peace by Piece, we must refer to them only by their interview numbers. Tell me, does it bother you that you’re no longer allowed to publicly go by your name?
114434: I haven’t really thought about it, ha ha. Everyone else is doing it.
006005: It’s no different than having a football number. I used to play football. I like how it makes me feel like I’m part of a team, like I’m more than myself. I miss that.
081289: It absolutely doesn’t bother me. On the contrary, I think it’s the only way to move forward. The West is so caught up in the idea of identity that we panic and get offended if someone wears the same shirt or shoes. We drill into every child that he or she is a one-of-a-kind snowflake that no one else could possibly measure up to. But that’s not true. So we name our kids increasingly more ridiculous things to make them feel “unique.” You’ve got a daughter, right?
JM: Yes. Jamboree Melee Meyers. What do you wear to your--
081289: Have you thought about how difficult it’s going to be for little Jamboree to get a job with a name like that on her resume?
114434: That’s stupid. People don’t get jobs based on their names.
081289: Says the girl who gave up her name and accepted a number so she could get a job.
114434: So did you.
081289: I’ve been shedding my identity for years. You don’t even understand what Peace by Piece is about. You’re a piece, just ONE piece. You’re no more important than any of the other pieces, but without all the pieces, it wouldn’t work.
006005: There’s no I in team. That’s what coach always used to say.
JM: Tell me, 114434, do you have a special beauty regimen for preparing for long days in training?
114434: Actually, I have a really nice moisturizing foundation--
081289: That’s absurd. Stop talking. Skeptics may disparage us, but Peace by Piece is the only thing keeping this world afloat. People need to stop thinking like individuals with identities and start thinking like they have numbers. They need to realize that there are numbers before and after them off into infinity, and unless we change our entire worldview, we’re going to destroy each other.
JM: An interesting perspective. When we come back, beauty tips for hectic schedules. You mentioned a moisturizing foundation?
114434: Oh yes! I have some samples.
006005: And I have brought some organic hair pomade.
JM: Free samples for our studio audience when we come back!
17.
Round One: Satisfied with the general qualifications of the 150,000 remaining, we request that each applicant create a two-minute video, no edits, with a message to convince us why he or she should be an Ambassador for Peace by Piece. JOBS One, Two, and Three receive and analyze the monologues. Anyone with more than two “ums” is discarded. Anyone who makes a statement sound like a question? is out. Anyone who speaks with a thick accent or speech impediment is disqualified. Anyone who appears to be from a population margin, for example, an albino Japanese Wiccan who grew up in Scotland, is cut. We release forty thousand applicants on these restrictions.
The larger cities draw a large number of international applicants. I am quite pleased with the polyglots; they come from different cultures and countries, so they already understand walking the line between different lives and different kinds of people. They communicate differently, because they only have so many words they can use, and they know how powerful and meaningful words can be. They speak English confidently, and they speak their native tongue even more confidently. Almost all of the international applicants make it Round Two.
Round Two: We tell the applicants that they are going to have personal intervie
ws with random volunteers. They have five minutes to convince these volunteers that world peace starts with one person. We still have almost 110,000 applicants.
The “random volunteers” are three supercomputers programmed with software that duplicates personalities and voices. Another byproduct of all the R&D I’ve been paying 405 and 410 to do for the past ten years. Each applicant is assigned a time for a voice call with JOBS. 405 and 410 have created sixteen personality types, each augmented by environmental factors like bad weather, being late for work, and needing coffee. We also input different stereotypes over the personalities and environmental factors, like frat boy, single mom, and social outcast. The permutations created a nearly endless list of possible personalities.
410 named all of them Alex.
The applicants are assigned an Alex at random. They are given five minutes. Alex works from algorithms of what it predicts each applicant will say, and interjects responses when it detects sizable pauses in speech. It has different responses based on what the applicant says. Some of them are hopeless. Some of them are very friendly. Some of them are reluctant but still listening. The importance is not entirely what the applicant says, but how he or she says it, and how he or she responds to discouragement.
Our numbers are down to 65,000.
Round Three: The remaining applicants are given lapel mics and sent into different neighborhoods of the recruitment cities. It’s May, and the weather across the country is agreeable. The applicants are ready to get outside and try what they’ve been reading about in their training materials and practicing in their seminars. In this instance they are allowed to talk to strangers about anything, as long as the conversations last no more than five minutes. They are given 90 minutes and required to talk to ten people. Strangers respond to confidence, body language, and appearance; the strongest applicants blossom as they look for common ground in the confidence, body language, and appearance of the people they are approaching. This is the biggest test so far, since the applicants are being judged by their strengths rather than their weaknesses.
Mr. Cartwright and the Final Solution Page 5