“Jane, I was in such a state at the time that I could not think clearly. Now I can think of many better ways I could have handled the situation, but then I acted as best I could.”
“Of course, I did not mean to blame you.”
“I was shocked to discover my ignorance still so active. Misjudging Mary and Mr. Collins was bad enough, but learning Mr. Darcy held such feelings that I had never recognized was additionally mortifying.”
“Oh Lizzy, none of us is perfect. You are much too hard upon yourself.”
“No Jane, I have not been hard enough upon myself. To discover I was just as bad as Mr. Darcy in dismissing those around me was a hard lesson.”
“I do not believe either of you to be so terrible.”
“Mr. Darcy still has his pride. You have seen the way he ignored most of the people of Meryton, despite the number of times he had been in company with them at various gatherings. I may have been rash to declare I could not marry him before he even asked, but I could not live that way. I will not give up those I care for simply because he would rather not associate with them.”
Jane patted her hand sympathetically, but said nothing more.
Elizabeth felt better having unburdened herself to Jane. Jane naturally saw the best in everyone, so Elizabeth was not surprised by her defense of herself and Mr. Darcy. While Elizabeth wished things had been different, wishing would not change what was.
Her focus must now be on Longbourn, for her life was here. She would learn from her failures, but she would dwell on them no longer. She must forget about Mr. Darcy as well. Wishes changed nothing, so she would do better not to think on him again. Elizabeth knew she would likely meet with him again, his connection to her future brother-in-law all but assured it. Hopefully it would not occur for some time, but whenever that event did occur, she would meet him without regret or embarrassment. Elizabeth was determined she could do so.
CHAPTER 28
The wedding of Mr. Bennet and Charlotte Lucas was planned for a Tuesday in mid-June. The girls completed their period of mourning the month prior and had picked out new dresses in London, now that they were once again free to dress as they pleased. Charlotte had acquired some new dresses as well, but needed little else for her role as the new Mrs. Bennet.
Mary and Mr. Collins had planned to return for the wedding, but Mary wrote a fortnight prior to announce that she had been ill in the mornings of late and dared not travel the distance back to Longbourn. As her letter sounded pleased by this bit of news, Elizabeth and Jane expected to hear an announcement of a different sort from her before long.
The absence of Mr. Collins would by no means distress Mr. Bennet. Elizabeth was not certain her father had really believed her when she had described how much Mary had changed and how happy she was with Mr. Collins. She had hoped her father could see them with his own eyes and judge for himself, but such was not to be.
Charlotte, like Mary, did not require the amount of lace that Mrs. Bennet or Lady Lucas would have considered necessary for a wedding. As a result, Charlotte came to Longbourn frequently to visit with Elizabeth and Jane in the weeks before her marriage, eager to escape her mother’s wedding plans.
The future Mrs. Bennet was already taking a role in overseeing Kitty and Lydia. Mrs. Forster had insisted that Lydia accompany her to Brighton for a holiday when the regiment moved. As the timing coincided nicely with the days prior to his wedding, Mr. Bennet thought the idea a good one. To his credit, Elizabeth believed his thinking had more to do with easing Charlotte into her new life in a quiet household, rather than with being rid of the high spirits and associated noise of his youngest.
Given Lydia’s wildness of late, Elizabeth could see no good coming of allowing her such freedom. She attempted to dissuade him from allowing the visit, but to no avail.
Charlotte, however, spoke to him privately and when they exited the library the two announced they had decided upon a new plan. Both Kitty and Lydia would be permitted to travel to Brighton, but instead of staying with Mrs. Forster they would stay with Mrs. Higgins, the wife of Captain Higgins. Mrs. Higgins was a friend of Charlotte’s, which meant she was older and more sensible than Mrs. Forster. All agreed the girls would be better chaperoned if they stayed with the Higgins instead of the Forsters. Kitty, naturally, was delighted with the change in plans. Lydia sulked for a short time before she was made to understand that her alternative was to stay at Longbourn all summer while Kitty went by herself.
“See, Lizzy, I told you your friend would do well in managing your sisters,” Mr. Bennet said to his daughter afterwards. “Now both Kitty and Lydia will be away for the wedding and save us the chaos they normally create.”
“And more importantly,” Elizabeth reminded him, “they will have better guidance while they are away. I do not know Mrs. Higgins well, but she seems a remarkably sensible woman who will keep the girls in line.”
“I doubt that Miss Lucas has any friends who are not sensible, just as I doubt that Lydia has any friends who are. Miss Lucas was correct, trusting a friend of Lydia’s to control her behavior was an irrational expectation and doomed to folly.”
Elizabeth did not remind him that she had offered a similar observation.
“I am glad that you heeded her suggestion.”
“I was hard pressed not to accede to her suggestion when it more than exceeded my own wants for the situation by taking care of both girls.”
Elizabeth held back her disappointment that his own comfort was still his primary motivation. At least Charlotte would attempt to see he acted in his family’s best interest.
Elizabeth left her father and found Charlotte and Jane in the parlor, sewing final details for her wedding dress.
“I thank you for looking out for my sisters.”
“Well, they are soon to be my daughters,” Charlotte replied with the amused smile she usually displayed when the subject of their future relationship was discussed.
“What an odd family we will make.”
“We will all do well. Jane will marry when you return from the Lakes and I have no doubt you will find someone soon as well, Lizzy. I admit, it will feel odd to take control of a household I have so often visited, but I believe I know enough of your father to ensure we can manage your sisters smoothly.”
“Perhaps by suggesting a plan that solves all the problems you care about and just so happens to solve his as well?”
“Perhaps,” Charlotte responded with another wry smile.
“I think you and Papa will do well together. He is more than willing to be managed, as it involves less work on his part, and he likely will not even notice your management if you continue to see that he benefits as well.”
“Lizzy,” Jane gasped, shocked to hear Elizabeth speak of their father in such a way.
“Not that I am suggesting your father has any,” Charlotte began, “but ignoring flaws would not make them go away. I find I am far better off if I accept people as they are and learn to use their innate tendencies in a productive manner.”
“How do you mean, Charlotte?” Jane asked.
“I mean that if you understand Lizzy is obstinate, you do not take an opposing position to hers once she has made her opinion clear. If you want to influence her, you will have far better luck in pointing out the ludicrous extremes her position could lead to. She is far more willing to listen to reason and possibly be persuaded after she has laughed at herself.” The three laughed together.
“You mean to say you have been managing me all this time?” Lizzy asked in feigned outrage.
“It is not so much a matter of managing someone,” Charlotte continued, “as of understanding how a person views the world. We all of us are unique in our desires, expectations, and willingness to exert ourselves for a particular object. None of our eyes see exactly the same view, nor ears hear precisely the same meaning in words. Understanding what others see and hear allows you to adjust your words to ensure they receive the same message you are trying to convey. Whe
n understanding is not the issue, knowing someone’s motivation can provide a solution to a problem.”
Lizzy and Jane begged for other examples from among their friends and the three continued to laugh together.
As Charlotte spoke, Elizabeth was struck. Was this not her central problem? Had she not assumed that her interpretation of someone’s words or expressions was the only possible interpretation?
Much as she was determined to avoid thinking of Mr. Darcy any more, she could not help herself now. She certainly had not interpreted his expressions, words, or even actions accurately. She had seen pride, disgust, and malice in his every action in their earliest acquaintance. Even after she learned he was a better man than she had assumed, she still had not read any kind of affection or admiration into his subsequent behaviors.
Looking back, those behaviors were so obvious. Had he not watched out for her to protect her from Wickham? He had quite literally come riding to her rescue. She had not seen him keep watch over anyone else. He was always looking in her direction, and yet she had always interpreted his looks as critical when they must have been far from that. Had his first impression upon her doomed him to receive her least charitable interpretation of any actions? Elizabeth was grieved by how unfairly she had treated Mr. Darcy.
Had she been equally unfair in judging his pride? No, on that sole count could she hold herself blameless. The man made no effort to put others at ease and saw everyone around him as beneath him and unworthy of his efforts at conversation. He would never be able to accept her relatives and she would never be willing to give them up. As Charlotte had said, one was better off accepting others as they were. Unfortunately, Elizabeth could see no way to use Mr. Darcy’s pride to any advantage.
Much as she may wish otherwise, Elizabeth knew she could not change the past, nor could she change who others were. Elizabeth could only exert herself to be more open and forgiving in her assessments of others in future.
Unfortunately, Mr. Darcy could not remain free. He would have to return to the box in her mind where she could lock him safely away. She would not think on him again.
~ ~ ~
The Gardiners had invited Jane and Elizabeth to join them on a tour of the Lake District, and all looked forward to the adventure. The sisters planned to leave Longbourn with their aunt and uncle directly after the wedding. While both sisters liked Charlotte immensely, they were happy to allow her some time alone to see to the household. Jane and Elizabeth were still expected to return before Kitty and Lydia, allowing Charlotte a longer adjustment period before the full family was in residence.
Given the wedding plans already underway, Mr. Bingley and Jane had decided to delay their own wedding slightly. Jane would take a final family holiday with Elizabeth and the Gardiners while Mr. Bingley finished business matters in London and visited Mr. Darcy at Pemberley.
As the Gardiners arrived for the wedding, they informed Jane and Elizabeth that they would unfortunately be unable to travel as far as the Lake District, due to business demands upon Mr. Gardiner. As they must leave a little later and return much sooner than planned, they must content themselves with traveling no further north than the beauties of Derbyshire.
Once Jane apprised Mr. Bingley of their change in plans, the gentleman immediately applied to his friend for an invitation for the ladies to join them at Pemberley. Mr. Darcy readily acceded to the request and Mr. Bingley was overjoyed that he could reduce the time spent separated from his beloved.
Elizabeth was less easy with the plan as she had no desire to trespass upon Mr. Darcy’s privacy, most especially as part of a group that had not been part of his original summer plans. She expressed her concerns to the Gardiners. As she had previously spoken to them of Mr. Darcy, though mostly back when she had been under the spell of Mr. Wickham, they already knew that Mr. Darcy was a proud man unlikely to welcome the presence of strangers. Elizabeth did not need to add that strangers in trade would be doubly unwelcome.
Elizabeth did not wish to mar her pleasure in a final holiday with her sister by subjecting her aunt and uncle to Mr. Darcy’s disapproving stare. She preferred not to contemplate the mortification she and Mr. Darcy would endure simply by being in each other’s presence once more. Their parting still weighed on Elizabeth, but she knew not how she could have been more considerate of Mr. Darcy’s feelings without having sacrificed her own. She had been honest, though it had not been pretty, but such was the discourse she knew Mr. Darcy preferred.
As a compromise, the Gardiners agreed to visit Pemberley while they were in the area, but to continue with their plan to stay at the inn at Lambton. Jane was thrilled with the idea of seeing Mr. Bingley for a day or more on their travels and Elizabeth had not the heart to put up further protest.
She would endure the visit and do her best to avoid Mr. Darcy. He likely would stay away from their party as much as he could, likely leaving Mr. Bingley to serve as host for most of their stay. Mr. Darcy may not even be at Pemberley once he knew they were coming. That would make their visit easier. Certainly, he would not wish to see her after her rejection of him at Rosings.
Elizabeth breathed a little easier, hopeful to avoid another disastrous encounter with Mr. Darcy.
CHAPTER 29
Elizabeth and Jane waved farewell as the Gardiner’s carriage left Longbourn and headed north. Elizabeth viewed this trip as her last time with her sister before Jane married, and so she was determined to enjoy every aspect of their travels. She would have been determined to do so regardless, but Jane’s impending departure from Longbourn increased Elizabeth’s awareness of how little time she had left with her sister. She knew that Jane would not be far, Netherfield was but three miles away, but their relationship would change as Jane’s attention and affection were redirected.
Jane’s life would have a new focus, and Elizabeth was certainly happy for her, but at the same time a bit sad to see an end to the life they had known together. And so, Elizabeth savored every moment of their travels. They played silly games to pass the time in the carriage and made outlandish guesses about the history of people they met at each inn. She even teased Jane out of her fear of heights long enough to catch a glimpse of the view from the Peak, though Jane stayed much further back from the edge than did Elizabeth.
Their aunt offered helpful pieces of wisdom on married life, which their uncle gladly added to, generally with a laugh. When their uncle was not about, Aunt Gardiner offered guidance of a different sort, assuming their mother had not previously discussed the more intimate aspects of marriage with her daughters. She then advised them of what symptoms of pregnancy they should look for, and how to treat some of the common ailments and discomforts they would encounter.
“Of course, by the time the babe arrives, you will not be able to keep me away, so I shall provide my advice for children in person.” Jane and Elizabeth laughed with their aunt, grateful to have her support. Mrs. Gardiner was not that much older than Charlotte and she had often advised her nieces much as an older sister might. Elizabeth was glad Jane could be advised by Aunt Gardiner as she would not expect any guidance from Aunt Phillips to be as useful.
The Gardiners enjoyed a marriage of equal affection and respect, exactly the kind of life Jane expected with Mr. Bingley and that Elizabeth hoped one day to find for herself. While they did not doubt their Aunt Phillips loved Uncle Phillips now, they did not believe the union to have been a love match when their vows were said.
In this happy manner the party continued, enjoying the sights and revisiting places special in Mrs. Gardiner’s memory. They intended to spend a few days at Lambton, the town where she had been raised, so she could visit with those that remained of her family and friends. On their second day in that place, they intended the visit Elizabeth had been somewhat dreading.
“Lizzy, Jane, are you looking forward to seeing Pemberley tomorrow?”
“Very much,” Jane replied, blushing before quickly adding, “Mr. Bingley says it is the most happily situated home he h
as ever seen.”
“That it is,” Mrs. Gardiner replied. “I have not been there in many years, but it was a favorite place to visit in my girlhood. Every summer the family would allow one of the parks near the village to be used for a fair for their tenants as well as those in neighboring towns. As a girl, my favorite part was always the puppet theater and the jugglers.”
“I wooed your aunt by relearning to juggle,” Mr. Gardiner added as he entered the room. “I had picked up the skill as a boy trying to entertain myself in winter when it was too cold to go outdoors and my sisters did not wish to play. Never would I have expected such a skill to land me a wife.”
Aunt Gardiner laughed in return and smiled tenderly as she reached for her husband’s hand.
“Juggling is an often-overlooked accomplishment when evaluating a man,” Mrs. Gardiner informed her nieces with a laugh. “It shows a dedication to practice as well as an ability to find joy in simple amusements, highly necessary skills for a successful marriage.”
This is love, Elizabeth thought as she watched Uncle Gardiner take his wife’s hand. This joy in one another’s company, even after so many years of marriage, touched her. She vowed to herself that she would have laughter such as this in her own marriage someday.
If she married. At times Elizabeth doubted she could ever find such a partner.
~ ~ ~
“You are in fine spirits today, Lizzy,” her uncle said as he joined her on a long bench-like rock.
“I would be hard pressed not to be in fine spirits at such a time,” she replied, gesturing to the children playing in the field in front of them. She turned to her uncle. “Thank you for bringing us with you on this trip. I shall never forget it.”
“I am glad to see the joy back in your eyes again. They had been dull for far too long.”
Folly and Forgiveness Page 20