by David Thorne
"It isn't a problem," I told him, "I will tell you where the pieces go. Place both rooks at the bottom corner tiles..." "I don't know which one is the rook," he screamed, standing and violently sending the board and pieces flying across the room. He stood silently shaking for a few moments until I asked "What about a game of Hungry-Hungry-Hippo's then?" He hasn't been out of his cabin in forty nine days. If he doesn't come out soon, I am going to instruct Bob to increase the temperature of his cabin by ten degrees every hour until he does.
Year 326 / Update 3
George is dead. I blame Bob for not being able to follow a simple set of instructions but it is probably for the best. George's refusal to engage in social interaction meant there wasn't really any point in him being around. Along with chess, his bio listed that he enjoyed "the country" so I played a recording of Dolly Parton's Harper Valley PTA, as way of a service as I switched off the cabin's life support system and sealed the door.
Year 1704
Minor course correction.
Year 2704
It has been exactly one thousand years since my last update so I thought I should report on what has happened during this time: Nothing.
Year 3273
By a surprising coincidence, a fragment of space debris measuring less than 7ml in diameter, but travelling at several thousand kilometres a second, has punctured the outer and secondary hull and imbedded itself in circuitry dedicated to regulating the temperature of two cryogenic pods on Level one. I flooded the breached segment of hull with quick setting foam and bypassed the damaged circuit boards but not before several seconds had passed.
I calculated a 53% probability of cell damage, shut down the life support systems for pods 58 and 59, and recorded the time of their deaths.
There are now 97 adults. The two that died were biologists so that leaves eighteen of them. George was an agricultural scientist so there are nineteen of those left. There are also twenty teachers, ten engineers, five technicians, five doctors, five surgeons, five psychologists, five physicists and a team of five special operatives - chosen for their high intelligence quotient from thousands tested.
Children's neural pathways survive the cryogenic process better than adults. Statistically, twenty-six adults and over half the children will be revived with less than fifteen percent damage which is well within required margins.
Year 4291
A light panel began flickering in one of the supply rooms on level 3 so I have turned it off. This has been the most exciting thing to happen in over a thousand years. I have passed many suns in that time but from this distance they have been only brighter points of light among points of light and the only point of light I am interested in seeing at this point is the point of light I am heading for; a G-type main-sequence star, located within the Perseus Spiral Arm, orbited by a green and blue planet named Matilda.
The discoverer of the planet, fifty-eight year old astrophysics professor and Sodoku champion Kevin Smith, named it after a young intern he had been attempting to sleep with. Matilda ultimately started dating a forklift driver named Darryl and, in a fit of jealous rage, the astrophysicist refused to make small talk with her for the remainder of her internship. His request to change the name of the planet to Filthy Whore, subsequent eighty-five page formal complaint titled I Discovered the Fucking Thing and alternative naming suggestions of Kevin, Kevintopia and Nivek, were all ignored.
Year 7180
I have decided to redecorate...
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From: Herman Mueller
Date: Monday 6 February 2012 4.54pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Attached first chapter.
Hello David,
Thank you for the opportunity to review the first chapter of your manuscript Herman, the Sad and Loney Spaceship. Unfortunately, due to an overpopulated science fiction market, we would not be in a position at this stage to represent that genre but I wish you the best in your future endeavours.
Best, Herman Mueller
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 6 February 2012 7.22pm
To: Herman Mueller
Subject: Re: Re: Attached first chapter.
Dear Herman,
I
’m also working on a non-fiction novel if that would be more along the lines of what you are looking for? It is about a time travelling cat and his pet robot dolphin.
Regards, David.
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From: Herman Mueller
Date: Tuesday 7 February 2012 11.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Attached first chapter.
Hello David,
Not at this stage but thank you for the opportunity. All the best.
Herman Mueller
About the author
David Thorne works in the design and branding industry as he is too lazy and easily distracted to do a real job. Amongst the multitude of his qualities, which include reciting prime numbers backwards from 909526, reading to blind children and training guide dogs, embellishment may be at the top.
David was born in the small country village of Geraldon before moving to the small country village of Adelaide which is commonly referred to as the murder capital of Australia. This title is given to Adelaide not due to the volume of murders, but due to the clever antics of Adelaide's finest serial killers. Ironically, Adelaide is the only Australian capital city not founded by convicts. Adelaide also has a lot of churches. To cope with the large amount of funerals.
David currently lives with his partner (who recently made the top 100 on So You Think You Can Dance) in a small country village within the United States after having had quite enough of Adelaide and all it has to offer. (Churches and serial killers.)
He has worked as a Macintosh design system consultant, graphic designer, copy writer, branding consultant and design director. Describing working in the design industry as "the most uncreative experience of his life," he began writing articles for his website as a distraction from spending each day making the type size larger on client’s business cards, assuring his boss that his hair looks nice, and making rubbish look appealing so that people will be tricked into buying it.
David reads too much, generally exceeds others’ tolerances and has bad taste in music. He stays up too late, drinks too much coffee, smokes too much, hates getting up in the morning and has offspring who thinks David doesn’t know what he has been up to when he deletes his internet history.
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From: Steven Hartleck
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 10.52am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Press materials
Hello David,
Your publishers sent us a galley copy of your book. I had a read and it was kind of funny in places. We are running an article on in the May issue. It will probably just be a review but we have received no press materials from Penguin.
Would you be able to provide us with any press materials you have? Thanks in advance,
Steven Leckart | WiredMagazine
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From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 11.13am
To: Steven Hartleck
Subject: Re: Press materials
Dear Steven,
I would be delighted to do so. I have been a fan of Wired Magazine for many years. Although I stopped purchasing it in 1998, the same year I stopped updating my computer equipment, I have been considering upgrading my Apple IIe and if I do, I will be sure to purchase another copy to bring myself up to speed with the latest information. Unless I can get the same information on the internet for free of course. There is no way I am paying $4.99 to read 170 pages of advertisements for gadgets I can't afford and 12 pages reviewing gadgets I
don't understand, if I can do the same online. It's not rocket appliance.
What particular press materials do you require and what are press materials?
Regards, David.
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From: Steven Hartleck
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 11.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Press materials
Thanks for your reply I think. You might find your ratio of advertising to content in Wired is a little off the mark. Any press materials you have are fine at this stage. Even if it is just a photograph and an ‘About the Author’ to go with the book review. I would like to get this up to editing by 3 this afternoon if possible.
Steven Hartleck | WiredMagazine
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From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 11.56am
To: Steven Hartleck
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
Dear Steven,
Please find attached bio and photo as requested:
David Thorne was born in a small Australian village to two Welsh immigrants. An only child, apart from a sister, David spent most of his childhood complaining about things.
David has worked as a supermarket trolly collector, horse riding instructor and test pilot. During a routine flight, he was injured in a crash and was rebuilt in an operation costing six million dollars. His right arm, both legs and his left eye were replaced by bionic implants that enhance his strength, speed and vision far above human norms.
In 1987, NASA launched a manned probe, piloted by David, on a five month exploratory trip around the solar system. Shortly into the trip, a malfunction of the ship's life support systems froze David in cryogenic suspension and sent his ship into a deep space orbit. He awoke to find himself 500 years in the future and Earth recovering from the aftermath of a late 20th Century nuclear holocaust and became a valuable member of the Earth's Defense Directorate.
Working with an elite group of scientists on the development of a top-secret time travel project, he vanished and awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Trapped in the past, David finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.
If you need any further information or would like me add references to Julian Assange or microchips that fit on the edge of a fleck of dust, let me know.
David.
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From: Steven Hartleck
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 12.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
Ok, thank you for that even though we can't use any of it and segments are obviously from a television series. You photoshopped your head onto a photo of Steve Austin running. I can see the edges where it isn't blended. We have a deadline and were expecting, probably naively, a useable photo and copy regarding your book.
Steven Hartleck| WiredMagazine
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From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 12.27pm
To: Steven Hartleck
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
I assumed bionic implants and time travel would be of much more interest to your demographic than a book featuring hardly any plasma drive diagrams or jet-pack reviews.
The book is just stuff from the website plus several new articles thrown in so the reader doesn't feel they are being too ripped off. With 368 pages to fill, I ran out of content by page 290 so the last quarter of the book just contains photographs of me wearing T-shirts. As I don't own many T-shirts, some of the photos are doubled up. I would highly reccomend waiting until it is downloadable free from Pirates Bay.
Regards, David
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From: Steven Hartleck
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 12.40pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
David, we still don't have anything that we can actually use. The May issue of Wired has a theme of Vengeance. Perhaps you could provide copy describing if anyone has sought vengeance or attempted web based vendettas for your pranks.
Regardless of opinions you may have about our readership, this way we might actually get something from you, no matter how small, that our readers would have even the most remote amount of interest in.
Steven Hartleck | WiredMagazine
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From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 1.15pm
To: Steven Hartleck
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
Hello Steven,
Despite having read your last email several times, I can't work out if I am being admonished or encouraged but will put that down to your inability to get to the point. This is not an admiral quality in anyone.
I do receive the occasional threat but actual vengeance takes effort and web based vendettas are pointless as I only read blog entries that state how funny and attractive I am.
As such, I don't really have any repercussion based tales that would be of interest to your readers. Or stories about nano-mice, sun-aliens, or the time I traveled to a prehistoric world via a dimensional portal that opened when I was swept down a gigantic 1,000 foot waterfall and had to shelter inside a cave and improvise the tools and weapons needed to survive while avoiding hostile lizard-men.
Regards, David.
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From: Steven Hartleck
Date: Friday 25 March 2011 1.53pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Press materials
Ok, I'd like to say you have been very helpful but that will have to do for the moment.
Steven Hartleck | WiredMagazine
David & his best friends at the back of the book
Table of Contents
Ill_Go_Home_Then_Its_Warm__Has_Chairs_The_Unpublished_Emails
Foreword
Dear customer, I hope you fall and break your neck
Bill tries to buy cheese. Part one
You have to do your timesheets. Everyone does.
Humming the theme from Space 1999 and other Christmas classics
Bill tries to buy cheese Part 2
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the humps & bumps
Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one.
Bill tries to buy cheese. Part 3
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: Wilma Deering
I know you’re busy, so I made another form to fill out
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the rowboat
David & his best friends go camping
Ten F26-A formal complaint notices in six months
Goat Rotation: A guide to rotating a goat by 37˚
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: camping
Dressing like a woman doesn't make you special
Understanding science Part 1: Biology
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: being stabbed
Hello, my name is Chris and I have lots of girlfriends who I kiss
Girls like telephones and apps. It isn't rocket science.
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the beach
Understanding science Part 2: How aircraft work.
More statements my offspring has made that make me wonder if there was a mixup in the hospital.
Buying a Canada Goose jacket online
Buying an Omega Speedmaster online
The horn in the grill procedure
Free Oprah Winfrey Halloween mask
Ten
reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: stuffed animals
Dear Comcast, please do not watch me on the internet
Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the treehouse
David & his best friends go shopping
Being branded a sheep
There is nothing xmasy about Santa driving a moon buggy
Herman, the Sad and Lonely Spaceship
About the author
David & his best friends at the back of the book