And now as she peeled and chopped the vegetables – all locally sourced of course – their conversation replayed in her head and she had to ask herself how much Christian’s terrible story had affected her feelings about him. She wasn’t as strong a person as she would like to be and she needed Christian to compensate for that, so discovering his weakness disappointed her. However, her greater fear was that his relationship with Amber was so far from over that it would prevent him enjoying a proper relationship with anyone else. He’d almost admitted as much. To have to constantly deal with this white elephant that was Amber Rayne permanently in their midst was something she doubted she could endure.
The window above the low, white apron sink where Jess was working overlooked a part of the sweeping drive leading up to the house and a car entering and drawing around towards the front door drew Jess’s attention. It was a silver Rolls Royce and Jess instinctively knew who would be inside. She became paralysed on the spot, wanting to run away and hide but unable to move. A minute later Amber whirled into the room, her long fake fur coat swirling and slinking around her like a clowder of protective, snow white cats.
She stepped into the kitchen in her Gucci stiletto boots as if she knew the way well; indeed marching ahead of Kate as if she owned the place. But her surprise was considerable when she saw Jess and she halted in her tracks, causing Kate to cannon into her furry back.
“You!” Amber stared at Jess aghast. “What are you doing here?”
Her rudeness and her contemptuous tone galvanised Jess into action. She put down the carrot and the knife she had been using to tame it into the resemblance of a traditional vegetable and looked Amber up and down.
“The same as you, I should imagine. Visiting.”
“Visiting who? Adam?” Amber turned on Kate. “He is here then, I take it?”
“Not exactly, or you’d be able to see him,” Kate retorted, taking her cue from Jess. She quickly relented though and added, “He’s out at the moment, looking for otters.”
“In the fog?” Amber demanded. “It will play havoc with his throat. What the hell is he thinking of? And what does he want otters for anyway? Surely you’re not planning to cook them, though God knows, that wouldn’t surprise me.”
“It’s nice to see you too, Amber. Do come in and make yourself at home,” Kate muttered.
“Adam’s home,” Amber pointed out irrelevantly before turning on Jess, her eyes ablaze. “So why exactly are you here? Not pestering Adam about your little book, I hope? Oh god, you are, aren’t you? You’re a proper little snoop, Jane, aren’t you?”
“It’s Jess.”
“Whatever,” Amber said with a dismissive flutter of her fingers, before turning again to Kate. “Is there anyone you can send out to let Adam know I’m here? I want to get back to London before dark as I have a show to rehearse tomorrow and I haven’t seen half my costumes or the laser cage yet.”
Kate rolled her eyes and tossed a conspiratorial glance towards Jess. “Sorry, Amber, all the servants are otherwise occupied. Would you like a cup of tea while you wait?”
“Only if you have Tie Guan Yin – that’s Oolong, you know.”
“Of course,” Kate said, rolling her eyes and moving towards Jess to reach for the teapot. “She’ll have bloody Typhoo like the rest of us,” she muttered under her breath but just loud enough for Jess to hear. “Bet if I make it weak enough, she won’t even know the difference.”
Jess bit her lip to prevent her smile from showing and turned back to the sink and the curious, misshapen little carrots she was trying to make look like the real thing.
“So, I hear you were in L.A. – you must have just come back in fact – how was that for you?” Kate asked with forced brightness.
“Just a flying visit. I had to see my designer, that’s all.”
“Yes, we saw. Oh I think yesterday’s paper is still in that rack over there,” Kate said indicating a wire tray in the corner stuffed with junk mail and newspapers for recycling. She winked at Jess as Amber released a gasp and rushed over to the rack.
“Oh my god! Has Adam seen this?” she demanded.
Kate shrugged nonchalantly. “I doubt it. He doesn’t read that particular tabloid. He probably saw it in one of the other papers though. But then you know what they say about yesterday’s news.” She swished a tea bag around in the teapot for a few seconds until the water was barely discoloured, before pouring out a cup and carrying it over to Amber who was busily scanning the paper.
Jess transferred the anaemic, wizened-looking carrots into a pan of water and placed this next to the greens she had cleaned and chopped earlier while Kate put the prepared potatoes and parsnips in the oven to roast then glanced at her as if to say – what now?
“Did it take you long to get used to an Aga, Kate? They look terribly complicated to me,” Jess asked loudly and politely.
Kate tossed her a grateful look and launched into a detailed though nonsensical history and animated demonstration of the Aga, repeatedly opening and closing little oven doors and moving pans around until the sound of voices and stamping feet could be heard outside and the utility room door was flung open.
“I think I’ll make myself scarce,” Jess whispered.
“Are you kidding?” Kate asked out of the corner of her mouth. “Stay and watch the fun. I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”
Amber had jumped up from her seat in anticipation but when Christian walked into the kitchen first, it was clear his was not the face she expected to see. She stared at him aghast, only dragging her eyes away from him when Adam entered next. Amber’s eyes slid from one to the other. She opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. The children came tumbling into the room in noisy confusion and Jess actually saw Amber wince.
“I’ll take the children upstairs. Shall I check on Daisy?” Jess whispered to Kate, who nodded and looked slightly sheepish as Jess gratefully escaped from the embarrassing scene.
21
After Christian had overcome his reservations and gone out with ‘the menfolk’ as Greg had laughingly referred to them – and which had made the three young boys stand inches taller in pride – he had gradually begun to enjoy himself, despite the intense cold. He’d had to borrow one of Greg’s outdoor coats and been grateful for it as they trekked across the frozen, misty countryside.
The fog nestled close to the ground in patches and then seemed to give way to sudden islands of sparkling clarity. The boys said the clouds had dropped out of the sky and jumped up and down on each patch of mist they encountered, as if hoping to find a cotton wool pillow underfoot. Their excitement was infectious and the three men laughed at them and encouraged their exuberance, pointing out the next shroud of mist and claiming this was the one that would lift them off the ground and skywards. Although never completely convinced, the boys threw their energies into exploring each patch of frozen air with unflagging enthusiasm.
Christian wished Jess was there to share it with him; walking next to him, close enough to share body heat, hand in hand, laughing together and enjoying the magic of the moment. She had taken his confession far better than he could have hoped. At least she hadn’t condemned him outright, but he could tell she’d been shocked and worse than that, disappointed in him. But what else could he expect? It had taken him over two years just to come to terms with his guilt, how could he expect Jess to understand it in two minutes? She saw him as weak when she needed his strength and that was humiliating for him. She’d even seen him cry, but had said she understood and that was something he needed to cling to. As long as he had something to build on, he had hope.
When they reached the stream, the fog had mysteriously lifted. Greg said it was something to do with the current being so strong but his mind was only half attending to the science of nature. He watched the young boys running up and down the bank searching for wildlife and wondered about the sons he might have had, if he hadn’t destroyed them. He caught Adam’s eye and felt, just for a fleeting moment
, that he might be pursuing a similar idea. A universal thought? But then they were not so dissimilar, he and Adam, which was probably why they’d been such good friends from the outset.
They had to rely on Greg to identify the wildlife they did see: water rats and voles mainly but finally, after an hour of patient watching, a twitching, glossy brown nose poked its way out of a holt and an inquisitive otter came to sample the morning air. It slithered around for a moment on the bank, rather like a cat, rubbing its sleek coat for pleasure and each spectator, down to the youngest child, held his breath in silent wonder.
And then something else happened. Christian felt Ben’s hand reach up and clasp his own as if by instinct – just like that first night and it seemed like the most natural act in the world. When he looked down, Ben was gazing up at him as if trying to send a message to him telepathically, his eyes moving frantically but his mouth clamped shut, and Christian suddenly believed he understood the silent suggestion. He nodded and surreptitiously pulled out his phone. After acknowledging Ben’s nod of approval, he scrolled to camera mode and crouched beside the boy. Ben wanted to share the magic of the moment with his mother – just like him. After a moment, he passed the phone to Ben so he could complete the filming. They hadn’t exchanged a single word but a wealth of communication had passed between them in that rare moment and Christian felt humbled by Ben’s simple belief in their shared understanding and goal.
Walking back to the house afterwards, he enjoyed all the old camaraderie with Adam and they chatted just like old times, before all the issues with Amber came between them. He wanted to win back Adam’s trust and be able to open up to him, even ask his advice, like he used to and this now seemed to be happening. All that he needed to make his day complete was to know that Jess might forgive him and give him a chance to prove himself worthy of her love.
The last sight he expected to encounter was Amber in her fake Dr Zhivago outfit looking like a wilting polar bear. She was just as horrified to see him when he walked into the kitchen. He saw it in her eyes in a flash – in a moment of brilliant clarity, even as his brain registered Jess making towards the door to escape: Amber’s guilt!
She started and demanded to know what he was doing there but before he had any opportunity to reply, Adam had entered and Amber looked from one to the other of them, her face paling visibly. He noticed the newspaper on the table and her confusion suddenly became clear to him. She had been caught out in her lies and didn’t know how best to plead her case to her two judges.
Although he wanted to rush off after Jess, he forced himself to stay, just to make sure Amber didn’t complicate things further with any more lies. They sat at the table and Amber sipped coloured water from a teacup while Kate brought out bottles of beer for the rest of them. And then Amber said the words he needed to hear – needed Adam to hear.
After that there was no reason for him to stay. Adam and Amber no longer required an audience. Greg and Kate saw that too and also moved off to busy themselves elsewhere while he went upstairs in search of Jess.
He found her in Gray’s bedroom and stood for a while observing the sight. She was sitting on a Disney beanbag with Daisy on her lap and Josh reclining against her leg as she held open a large picture book. Gray and Ben were lying on their stomachs on the floor with another large book open in front of them. Christian could make out dinosaur pictures on the open page, but the boys were not reading that book. They were listening to Jess reading her story – except she wasn’t reading. She was clearly inventing a story as she went along, using the pictures in both books as stimulus and, more importantly, all the children present as characters. Even little Daisy seemed to understand her own important role in the magical story Jess wove all around them.
He loved her then more acutely, more powerfully and more completely than he had ever loved anyone in his life. That morning he had promised to let her go if she chose not to be with him after hearing his story. Now he knew with absolute certainty that he couldn’t let her go. The rest of his life would have no meaning without her.
He stood mesmerised, just like the children, until her story came to an end and the children clambered around her, looking at the book from which they thought the story originated and begging for more. She looked like some wonderful, modern-day Madonna as she gathered them all around her, basking in their innocent pleasure.
“No, I’ve told you a story – now you have to tell me one! I want to hear all about the otters and so does Daisy as she missed out on them too.” Daisy chuckled on hearing her name and Jess dropped a kiss on her golden curls and lifted her higher onto her knee.
Just then Ben looked up and saw Christian. His face lit up and he held out his hand for Christian’s phone. Christian entered the room, pulling out his phone and sitting on the floor between the boys to guide them through the program so that they could then show it to Jess and Daisy. The boys told them about jumping on the clouds and Daisy said ‘cwoud’ and pointed to the window, causing everyone to laugh and clap, telling her how clever she was.
He managed to catch her eyes amid the laughter and hoped she could see the love expressed in his. He would have gone on to tell her but just then Kate popped her head around the door.
“Lunch is ready. If those two carry on talking for much longer, it might be spoilt, so I think it’s time for the troops to muster and launch our attack, don’t you?”
****
“I wish you’d stay,” Kate told Jess as she hugged her tightly. “I’ve loved having you here and I can’t believe you’re abandoning me when she’s still here. Please come back soon – any time.”
“Ben said I can go to London and see his flat. I’ve never seen a flat before,” Gray said, tugging at her sleeve, the expression of wonder on his face betraying his ignorance of the word.
Jess laughed. “Well, Gray, you might be a bit disappointed when you see ours, but I’ll try to make it up to you in other ways. Mummy and I will discuss it and arrange for you to come up very soon.” She wondered how she might get another bed into Ben’s tiny room but was determined to find a way somehow. Ben’s friendship with Gray was one of the best things that had happened to him and she would do everything to encourage it.
She was reluctant to leave and would happily have let herself be persuaded to stay longer had it not been for Amber’s presence. Her arrival had created a definite shift in the atmosphere even though she had undoubtedly been on her best behaviour. There had been no fireworks, no recriminations or accusations and yet somehow everyone seemed to be on edge. She was dazzling in a brittle sort of way, even entertaining in her anecdotes, but her presence made everyone nervous and probably Jess more than anyone.
She had noticed Amber watching her closely throughout the meal and her scrutiny unnerved her. During a hiatus in the conversation Ben overcame his shyness and asked if he could take a photograph of her on Jess’s phone to send to Katya.
Amber simpered and preened. “I didn’t realise you had a little girlfriend, Ben. I thought you were going to be my boyfriend.”
“I’m not her boyfriend. I’m her uncle,” he told her crossly.
Amber eyed him with deep suspicion and dislike, which lingered in her expression as she posed for him across the table and then with him while Jess took another photo. Jess might easily have explained the relationship and relieved Amber’s doubts but decided against it. It wouldn’t do Amber any harm to think that even six year olds didn’t take her as seriously as she took herself.
Leaving Kate was hard though because she felt they could have been very good friends if their circumstances had been different. Right now she had no idea how or when they might meet again and could only hope that somehow it would be possible.
The fog had lifted by the time she and Ben had said their goodbyes, Ben was strapped securely into his seat and their bags stowed in the car, with little more than an hour of daylight left. Jess had grown nervous of driving in the dark and hoped to have left the poorly lit country lanes and hit f
amiliar motorway territory before nightfall. It bothered her that she hadn’t said goodbye to Christian, who seemed to have disappeared but thought it perhaps for the best after all.
He had evidently reconsidered his options after seeing Amber again and, whilst she felt heavy-hearted at the thought, deep down she had to acknowledge that, given their history, this was understandable. “I knew she’d forever be between us,” she told herself, though her heart ached. “We never really stood a chance.”
She released a long, sad sigh as she drove down the sweeping, tree-lined drive which meandered to the main gate and out onto the road. The pale sunlight of the late afternoon threaded its way through tall, needle-like branches stripped of their leafy garments and dappled through smaller evergreens, casting different patterns along the winding drive. This is so very lovely, she thought. How perfect life must seem if you lived in a place like this.
Wishful Thinking Page 19