My heart leaped. I knew I missed him, but I didn’t realize how desperately until I found myself face-to-face with him again. I wanted to reach out to him, to wrap my arms around his neck, but I was trapped within the confines of Devin’s memory.
This is the night of my birthday, I realized.
“You want to play by the rules? Fine. Be a good little Guardian. But I’m going to talk to her.”
“Don’t!” Devin said helplessly, grabbing his arm. “It’s not time. She only just turned seventeen today. We have to wait.”
Asher’s eyebrow shot up, his eyes glinting. “Nothing interesting ever happened by waiting, Dev,” he said. “I can’t wait anymore. This girl is special. We’ve been waiting for too long, and I don’t want to miss another minute of the fun.”
He brushed past Devin, toward the door, and into the night, where I was about to meet Asher for the first time.
Devin turned to watch him go. In the memory, he clenched his fists at his side. She’s going to fall in love with him, he thought. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t compete with that. I didn’t feel calm radiating from him—what I felt was frustration. That he couldn’t be as bold as Asher. That he couldn’t fight for what he wanted, too.
What I always took for shyness and cool reserve was his oath. He always wanted to talk to me. But he was bound by honor, too. I realized, strangely, that Devin and I had more in common than I’d ever realized.
The memory wrinkled and refolded, straightened itself out.
He was in a parking lot at dusk. I recognized it—it was the parking lot outside of school. And I was there, walking beside him, his jacket pulled tightly around my shoulders. Through Devin’s eyes, I could feel him pulling back, his face a mask, allowing nothing in and nothing out.
I was crying. I felt something stir within him as he reached out and put his arm around me gently, pulling me in to his chest.
“It’s all right, Skye,” he said softly. “That’s the reason I’m here. To watch over you, to protect you.”
I remember this memory. It was right after he and Asher first told me the truth about my parents. That I was half Guardian, half Rebel, a human girl with powers of light and dark in her veins.
“The fight . . .” I heard myself say into his chest. “That night at the Bean . . . during my birthday . . . was that about me?”
“Yes. Asher made contact with you before we were supposed to. It upset the balance of things and has been causing chaos ever since. It’s like I’ve tried to tell you. He’s dangerous.”
I felt myself flinch in his arms. I remembered exactly what I’d thought when he said those words. Was Asher dangerous because he made Devin so angry? Or because I didn’t yet know who, or what, he really was? Or was he dangerous because he made me feel things I’d never felt before—not about anyone else?
In Devin’s memory, I was sobbing quietly in his arms. I felt something spasm in his chest. And then I heard his thought.
If only I was allowed to break the rules—everything might be different now.
He touched my cheek. “You’re so special. In ways . . . I wasn’t expecting.”
He told me I was going to have to meet my destiny. That it would be easier if I embraced it.
“For whom?” I asked.
“For everyone.”
Through the memory, I could feel his frustration, and then, as we stood and faced each other, a curl of despair—a cold emptiness—entered his body like a sharp intake of breath.
What was that?
The memory faded, and I found myself sitting on the faded purple velvet couch at Love the Bean again, still looking into Devin’s pool-blue eyes. I blinked.
The way he was looking at me, it was clear that he knew exactly what I’d seen. It was almost like he’d been transported back to the memory with me. But there was also something else in his eyes: regret.
My plan had worked. There was a connection between our minds—a rift, through which I’d found a portal to his memories. It wouldn’t have been possible if Devin hadn’t been influencing my mind and my emotions for as long as I’d known him.
And now, I knew for sure.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said, his voice low.
“Not you, too,” I whispered.
“If I hadn’t been bound to the rules of the Order, things would have turned out differently.” He squeezed my hand tighter. “Your heart might belong to me now, of its own free will. Instead of him.” I looked down at my hands.
“No,” I said quietly. “No. I don’t think it would.”
“Skye—”
“It doesn’t matter anyway, does it? We can’t change the past.”
“Listen to me, I can explain! It’s not what you think.”
“Isn’t it?”
He didn’t have an answer. He just sat there on the couch, his mouth slightly open, as if I’d just taken away the last precious thing he had. But I didn’t feel bad. He had done it to me.
Now he knew how it felt.
On the drive home, I tried to see the road through the tears that had sprung to my eyes, blurring my world until I finally had to pull over. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and cried. And it wasn’t just for Devin—though I felt torn up inside about it. It was for Asher too, still so far away, who loved me, and who I loved, but who I questioned, because that was the way my heart worked.
And I cried for me. Because I had committed to this path, and I would stick with it, but every day that passed it got harder, and I didn’t know if it was the right one anymore.
17
The next morning was sunny and bright. My mood was the opposite.
I woke with a headache that must have been residual from my crying jag. When I looked in the mirror, my stomach sank. My face was blotchy and red, and my eyes looked like bees had attacked me in my sleep. Perfect.
I did the best I could with moisturizer and makeup and came stomping downstairs wearing black skinny jeans and my heavy boots. My life philosophy was something along the lines of, when life starts feeling out of control, put on a pair of motorcycle boots and kick it in the shins.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes all it did was make Aunt Jo give me the raised-eyebrow look she was giving me now.
“Tell the biker gang I need you home by ten tonight,” she said drily.
I ignored the look and the comment and went to the fridge to forage for a cucumber. I took it out, cut a few slices, tilted my head back, and placed them over my eyes to wait for the de-puffing magic to work.
“Those are for eating,” Earth pointed out from the kitchen table. “That’s a waste of food.”
“I’ll eat them after,” I muttered.
“I think Skye’s having a bad day,” Aunt Jo said to Earth. “Why don’t you go upstairs for a bit so I can talk to her?”
“Fine. But I’m really good at talking.” She sighed and mumbled something under her breath as I heard her patter to the doorway, then stop. “You should take an umbrella today. It’s going to rain.”
I didn’t even bother removing the cucumbers or looking at her. “It’s totally sunny out!” I yelled. “It’s not going to rain!”
“I’m just saying—”
“And if it does I’ll make it go away!”
The little girl said nothing, and I instantly felt bad for yelling at her.
“Take one anyway,” she said quietly, and then I heard her patter out of the room.
“You okay?” Aunt Jo came up beside me. I felt a hand on my back. The fact that she wasn’t making a funny comment about how hard it is to raise teenagers unnerved me. A few months ago, she would have made a joke, and I would have said something snarky and evasive, and I never would have thought to take actual advice from a grown-up. But everything was so different now. Aunt Jo had gone from being someone I kept secrets from to someone who understood my secrets maybe better than anyone.
“No,” I said, taking the cucumbers off my eyes. “I’m not okay. Look
at me! I’m a mess! I’m hideous! No wonder Asher is fighting against me, he’s probably decided to just give up looking for a way for us to be together, and is off right now gallivanting with some stunning Rebel and plotting my destruction. Astaroth is right. How the hell am I supposed to do this?” I could feel the tears coming again, hot and angry and frustrated, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “I can’t save the world! I’m just some stupid teenager with a crush and puffy eyes.”
Aunt Jo took the cucumbers from me and put them on the counter. Then she took my hands in hers.
“Everyone has bad days, Skye,” she said. “And no matter what anyone tells you, anyone who has ever done anything brave or risky or flat-out revolutionary has never not questioned if what they were doing was right.” She smiled at me and sighed. “I’m not saying that you don’t have a lot on your plate right now. But think of it this way. Today—right now? It’s only puffy eyes. And the swelling will go down, I promise.”
“I look like a Botox accident,” I said.
“You look beautiful. Now get to school, and stop pouting. Maybe today will be the day we’ll find James.”
“We can only hope,” I said. I sniffed and patted my face dry. “Okay. I think I’m ready to face . . .” I motioned toward the outside world. “That.”
“That’s my fighter.” I walked to the hall and grabbed an umbrella from the bin by the door. “And Skye?” Aunt Jo followed me out.
“Yeah?”
“Remember what I said, about following your own star?” I nodded slowly, not sure what I was about to agree with. She hesitated. “You don’t have to wait for him, you know.”
“Aunt Jo,” I said. “There’s no one else I could ever want.”
“That’s not what I—”
“I have to go,” I said. The last thing I wanted right now was to hear a lecture about how I should be dating other guys. “Out of everyone, I thought you would understand.”
I rolled the windows down on my drive to school, hoping the spring air would be good for de-puffing my skin. What was Earth talking about? The sky was a cloudless blue, stretching and sparkling across the mountainous horizon. I squinted against the sun and flipped down the visor.
My talk with Aunt Jo had given me a renewed burst of strength. I just had to put my head down and keep going. That was the only way I would succeed. And the first thing I had to do, no matter how much it pained me to do it, was give my friends the bad news about prom. In the face of all this looming disaster, that was the one bright spot they’d been looking forward to. And I hated to ruin it for them.
Being prepared is way better than being excited, I rationalized. Right?
I didn’t have to wait long. The gang was at my locker when I got there.
“How’d your talk with Manning go?” Ian asked.
“Oh, you know. Get a perfect score on all my finals or else burn in hell forever. No big deal.”
“Yikes,” said Dan.
“That is ridiculous.” Raven tossed a sheet of glistening blond hair over her shoulder. “You don’t have time to worry about stupid tests and meaningless grades. You have more important things to focus on, Skye.”
“Yeah, like what shoes to wear for prom,” Cassie said, walking up. Cassie was really good at missing the first half of a conversation and continuing on with absolute confidence. “Skye, I got these black open-toed bootie cage heels. You’re gonna freak.”
Dan grinned at her. “Let’s leave the freaking to you and me. I have a special date planned for us tonight.”
“Ooh!” Cassie squealed, clapping. “Where?”
“It’s a surprise,” said Dan. “But I think you’ll like it.”
“What is happening to you, man?” Ian groaned. “Since when did you become a guy who plans special dates?”
“Since I rocked his world, Ian. Deal with it,” Cassie snapped. “Now, about our special date . . .”
Dan grinned at Ian and shrugged.
“You are so whipped,” Ian muttered. Then he added, “It wouldn’t kill you to plan a special date for me every once in a while. . . .”
“Does somebody need some attention?” Raven said drily.
“And on that note,” Cassie said, “what should I wear?”
Dan mulled this over. He wore the same jeans and navy blue zip-up hoodie every day. Outfits weren’t his strong suit.
“Wear jeans,” he said. “And no heels! Comfortable stuff that you don’t mind getting dirty.”
“This is sounding less and less like a date.” Cassie scrunched up her nose. “The sacrifices I make for love.”
“Anyway, you just focus on that, and let’s let Skye worry about the upcoming battle, okay?”
“Speaking of battles . . .” I toyed with the end of my side braid. “I have some news, and I don’t want to tell you—in fact, I almost didn’t, but I figured, you know, better safe than sorry, and I don’t want to keep things from you guys anymore.” I took a breath.
They all looked at me expectantly.
“I found a way to see into Astaroth’s mind,” I said. Judging from their facial expressions, that might not have been the best opener. “I could see what he is planning. I was wearing this long flowy dress that Aunt Jo gave me, and there were twinkle lights—”
Cassie’s eyes lit up.
“—and the hem of my gown was sweeping against the floor of the gym.”
Cassie’s expression turned from excited to skeptical.
“And I heard him say something. The battle will not end until one side has claimed you—or killed you.”
“Oh my god,” Cassie whispered, grabbing Dan’s bicep.
I paused and steadied myself. Talking about it out loud was making me anxious. Not just because it had been super freaky in Astaroth’s mind—but because I didn’t want anyone else to hear. “It’s prom,” I said. “The battle, the collision of Chaos and Order—it’s going to happen on prom night.”
I almost ducked, afraid Cassie was going to throw something at my head in rage. I closed my eyes. “I’m so sorry, guys. Please don’t kill the messenger!”
But nothing hit me in the head. I opened my eyes.
“I was scarily spot-on with that prom theme,” Cassie said darkly. “Maybe I can see the future, too.”
“You saw into Astaroth’s mind?” Raven looked stunned. “What . . . what was that like?”
“Um,” I said. “It’s pretty high in the running for creepiest place I’ve ever been.”
The bell rang.
“Come over tonight,” I said. “After the big date. We can talk more then.”
The group began to scatter, and I grabbed Raven to see if she’d meet me after school to work on a few things. When I turned back around, the hall was empty. I had to slip into class late, making apologetic eyes at the teacher. Six months ago, before all this started, I never would have dreamed of being late for class. Now it was like a regular occurrence. But I was determined to ace my finals. I had changed over the course of the year, but let’s face it, not that much.
After school, Raven came with me up to the roof, and I tried to make myself have a vision of James Harrison. I wasn’t having any luck, and it was starting to scare me. I’d been trying to focus on the name James and picture the face of the man from the vision I’d had of the three Rogues. But so far, I kept coming up empty-handed.
“This sucks,” I said. The afternoon sun was fading into a pinkish-gold dusk. “Why is it so hard? The visions are supposed to help me, not frustrate me.”
“I hate to point out the obvious,” said Raven, absently admiring the silver sheen of her wings in a window. “But what if you’re looking for the wrong person?”
“What? Who should I be looking for?”
“I just mean,” said Raven, “that maybe James Harrison isn’t who you think he is. You have the clues, they’re just not piecing together.”
I exhaled loudly in exasperation. Raven shot me a pointed look.
“I’m calling it a day,” I
said. “I have hours of studying I still have to do, and then everyone is coming over. It is going to be a long night.”
“What did I tell you? Stop worrying about finals. The fate of the universe, Skye.” She pointed at me. “That’s all I’m saying.”
“Well, thank you for taking some of the pressure off. But college is something I’ve dreamed about since I was a little kid. And if there’s any chance—even the smallest, slightest chance—that we can make it out of this and keep on living? I want to be able to live my dream.” My voice cracked on the word dream, and I turned away so I didn’t have to see the look on Raven’s face. “I have to have something to believe in. Something I can control.”
“I know this sounds unlikely,” Raven said quietly. “But I know what you mean.”
We walked down the fire staircase back to the main level of the school building. “Oh, man,” I said. “Go ahead to my car. I forgot my umbrella in my locker.”
“Your umbrella?” Raven balked. “It’s a near-perfect day outside. Why on earth did you bring an umbrella?”
I shrugged. “Earth told me to. I know she’s just a kid, but I don’t know. She’s freakishly right about a lot of things.”
“Well, hurry up, then.” Raven smirked at me. “If I’m out there without an umbrella, I don’t want to get caught in the rain.”
“I’ll be five seconds. Promise.” I wasn’t aching to spend lots of alone time in the school after hours, either. Not with all the Guardians and Rebels. I grabbed the travel-size umbrella from my locker and sprinted out toward the parking lot. When I rounded the corner by the front steps of the school, I ran into something hard.
Not something. Someone.
It knocked the wind out of me and I fell backward. A pair of aviator sunglasses clattered to the sidewalk next to me, and in their reflective lenses, I could see the face of the person standing above me.
I looked up at him, my heart pounding.
“Give those back,” Gideon said coldly, shielding his eyes with his hands as if the last rays of the sun were so bright they hurt. I grabbed the sunglasses and kept them out of reach.
“No,” I said, thinking on my feet and not entirely sure what I was doing. “Look at me!”
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