by D. A. Roach
“Hi, someone wrote something inappropriate on my locker with nail polish, I wondered if the janitor could try and remove it today.” The older desk clerk brought me a half slip of paper.
“Put your name, locker number, and description on here and then place the form in this basket,” she advised me.
“Thanks.” I began to fill out the form. I heard the office door open and a body bump against me. I looked up to see Jay smiling at me.
“Whatcha doing here Brogen?” he asked. God he looked beautiful. I felt the butterflies in my stomach take flight.
“Maintenance request. Someone decided to do their art project on my locker.” Jay’s eyebrows went up. Apparently he hadn’t been by my locker to see Becca’s handy work. “How about you? What’s your story?”
“Ahh, I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon, just giving them, my slip.” The front office lady came up to take Jay’s note. She blushed as she approached him. Did he even know what effect he had on people?
“Just come down during 5th period and sign out,” she told him, avoiding eye contact.
“Thanks.” Jay turned back toward me, “ Wanna’ walk me to my locker?”
“Sure. Hey, I saw Meg yesterday and she’s out of the coma!”
“You must be so relieved. When does she come back to school?”
“We think she might come back next week,” I told him.
“Hmm, one more week to find out all about you during lunch - not sure that’s enough time.” I rolled my eyes, there was not much to know about me and he’d be disappointed when he found that out. He walked close enough to me that our upper arms occasionally brushed against each other.
“Oh, you planning on eating with me again? What about poor Soren?” I teased.
“Soren’s a big boy and has enough friends to never be lonely. And yes, I plan on eating with you again. But... not today. My appointment is around lunch so I’ll miss the whole last half of today.” I was disappointed hearing this, it was nice having someone to talk to at lunch and I looked forward to the easy banter that Jay and I had. Seeing the disappointment in my face he turned toward me and added, “But the next day, I’m all yours. I’ll even let you ask me whatever you want. Maybe even my deepest darkest secret.”
“What, that you like to wear girl’s panties?” I teased.
Jay laughed but stopped quickly. His jaw dropped as he looked past me. “What the…” I followed his eyes and saw him staring at my locker.
“I’m guessing Becca. We mixed words in the bathroom yesterday and I think I pissed her off.” This made him laugh.
“You’re such a scraper! Good for you!” He scratched at the letters.” What is that? Nail polish?” I just shrugged. “Let’s go, we’re already late.” We got Jay’s first period books from his locker and walked to Algebra.
“There’s the lovey dovey couple now.” Our teacher greeted us as we entered class . I felt my face blush far worse than when I read my lovely SLUT message from Becca. The kids in the class did Cat-calls and Jay fist punched a few of his guy friends and let the comment roll off him untouched as he walked to his desk. I stared at the floor as I found my way to my desk. During Algebra I glanced over at Jay a few times, he’d always look up and smile, like he sensed me looking his way. I decided to be brave and not turn away. I was drinking him in because I wouldn’t see him later in the day. I paid no attention to Becca but she probably tried to kill me with evil glares all period.
After class Jay actually waited for me outside of the class. “Hey, good luck with the artwork,” he gave me a side hug. I was enjoying being around Jay and knew the rest of the day would suck without him.
“Good luck with your doc appointment. Is it a follow up?”
“No, they wanted to tell me my test results and said they do it by appointment only,” he shrugged.
Just then, something changed inside of me, like someone had flipped a switch. I felt my heart sink. I felt like vomiting. I felt like if I turned on the news there would be a report about a nation being wiped out by a nuclear bomb. I had never felt like this in my life. Death, destruction, devastation all around me. A wave of sorrow washing over me, drowning me. “Brogen, you ok?” I nodded, but I wasn’t. Truthfully, I didn’t know what the hell had happened.. It made no sense. Maybe my defenses were down and I was picking up someone’s bad energy. Maybe something was wrong with my mom, or Meg. Maybe Jay was going to get in a car accident.
I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I was going crazy. There was so much negative emotion in me but anything I might say would sound crazy. I settled on, “Just be careful.” I gave him a hug, a strong and full of emotion hug. He looked at me puzzled and chuckled at my mercurial mood change.
“I will. See you tomorrow babe.”
Normally I’d melt from him calling me “babe”, but my mind was racing - trying to figure out why I was experiencing this feeling. Jay was off to his next class and I kicked myself for not getting his phone number. How would I check if he was alright? I couldn’t deal with Jay being a car crash? I made my way to second period. Each moment I grew more and more nauseous. I asked the teacher for a restroom pass. I needed be alone in case tears started to fall. I must have looked like hell because she didn’t question me.
I sat in the stall doing my breathing/meditation exercise that I practiced every night. I felt calmer but I couldn’t shake the feeling of sorrow deep within me. I needed my mom. Tears filled my eyes and I leaned my head against the cold graffiti filled metal bathroom wall. The bell rang. I had spent most of 2nd period in a bathroom stall. I quickly headed toward the classroom to gather my things. My teacher said, “Sweetie, you don’t look any better - you better see the nurse. You look like you are about to come undone.” I nodded and headed toward the nurse’s office.
I never had to visit the nurse in my whole high school career. I opened the door and smelled the antiseptic that lingered in the air. The nurse was busy typing at her computer. “I’ll be with you in a moment.” she said. I breathed in and out inflating and deflating my lungs completely. I counted all the cheap ugly knick knacks the nurse had on her shelf. Thirty seven ugly porcelain figurines, it reminded me of a garage sale. “Sorry about your wait.” She looked up from the computer and her face dropped when she saw me. “Oh my. What happened? she motioned for me to sit on a cot.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel well.”
The nurse checked my vitals and commented on how I looked panicked. “Sweetheart, we need to slow your breathing down.” She guided me through some breathing exercises but after a few minutes I wasn’t getting any better. “I think it’s time to call Mom.”
I heard her talking quietly to my mom on the phone. I curled my legs in toward my chest and retreated into my head - drowning in sadness over some unknown reason. Tears had begun falling by the time my mom arrived. “Brogen, what happened?” I just shook my head, I had no answer. My mom stood and walked over to the nurse, “I’m gonna’ take her home.”
“Ok. I just need you to sign her out.” The nurse handed my mom a paper. My arm began tingling. I squeezed my fist tightly and released it, but the tingles remained. I breathed slower and slower and the tingles were less intense. So weird.
We headed to the car - I didn’t even stop at my locker to get my stuff. “Brogen, I want to help you but I don’t know what’s happening. I need you to talk to me, please.” Mom sounded worried.
“I don’t know what’s wrong.” My voice quivered. “I said goodbye to Jay and I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness take over my body. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“I don’t know for sure,” Mom said.
“What do you mean?!”
“Well, sometimes people that are empathic can sense when something bad is going to happen. I’ve had it happen a few times in my life. But I can’t call it up - the feeling will come on its own and I sit, helpless, and later find out some bad news. But maybe you just picked up on someone’s energy. Let’s call Mrs. Taylor to ch
eck on Meg just in case.” Mom dialed her number before we left the school parking lot. I listened as Mom talked and drove. Trying to quiet the sobs wanting to escape me and the nausea tickling the back of my throat. “Are you sure?” - pause - “Ok, Thanks - that’s great news.”
Mom turned toward me and said, “She’s great, they have her walking around and think she’ll go home in 2 days.” It wasn’t Meg. When I thought of Meg, I felt peace and joy. I thought of Becca and felt her ugliness tainting the air but even Becca’s energy didn’t feel the same as what I felt inside. I thought of Jay and I in the hall saying goodbye and my stomach turned.
“Pull over, NOW!” Mom stopped on the shoulder and I pushed out the door and threw up my breakfast. It was Jay. Just thinking of him made me feel like death was in front of me. I began to cry hard. Mom came over and wrapped me in her arms. “It’s Jay, something’s gonna’ happen to him Mom.” I was choking on my sobs. “He’s so nice. Why?” Mom rocked and shushed me.
“We don’t know that for sure. I know it feels like it but we have to wait and see. Let’s go home. Not much we can do about this right now. Do you have his phone number?” I shook my head. “Address?”, I nodded. I knew where his aunt and uncle lived because of the rabid dog party. “Good. Then we’ll go there later to make sure he is ok, then you’ll feel better,” I nodded. “Right now we need to calm you down.” If anyone else were my mother, I probably would have been locked up in a mental institute. It felt crazy to be overwhelmed with emotion when there was nothing happening that I knew of...crazy. Thankfully my mother was empathic AND a psychologist so she could relate to me and help me through this. We got back in the car and drove home.
As soon as we got home, Mom made me go for a “getting to know nature” walk. Mom wanted me to focus on the sights, sounds, and smells around me. She wanted to get my mind to focus on something I could see and feel, rather than some invisible energy. It was probably some strategy from her newest Psychology textbook. She took me down the street where we cut through a backyard and entered a wooded area. Many of the leaves had fallen from the wind blowing the lifeless foliage. The leaves beneath our feet crunched as we tread across them breaking them into little pieces. There was a little bird chirping from a high branch. He was watched us cautiously. As we neared him, he flew off in fear. Mom asked me to find 30 acorns so she could fill a vase at home, another distraction, but I was up for it. Once I found an Oak I found as many as I needed and stuffed them in my pockets. We walked a ways further and told Mom I thought I was feeling better.
“Good, you look a little calmer.” I knew she was not just looking at my outside but could sense the dread settling inside me as well. “Think you might try some lunch?”
“Yeah. I think I could keep some down,” I answered. Mom filled the rest of my afternoon with mini-chores and mental distractions. She never left me alone to stew in my worries. We planned to visit Meg around four, have a nice dinner out, and then stop by Jay’s house.
Meg was a sight for sore eyes. I always felt better around her. She was sitting up in bed working on homework. “Man, homework? They don’t let you wait till you’re out of the hospital?! What a bunch of losers!” Meg laughed and gave me a big hug.
“There is no way I am letting this stupid accident hold me back a year. I don’t want to be a junior while you are a senior...that is all kinds of wrong,” I chuckled.
“Good girl.” I didn’t dare tell her anything about how bad my day went. I needed Meg to get out of this hospital and I didn’t want to affect her mood.
“So Doc says I can go home tomorrow,” she was beaming. “I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed. And eat junk food in the middle of the night,” I laughed, it’s funny how you miss the simple things in life when you can’t have them.
“How is your leg?” Meg lifted the covers back and they had a light gauze dressing on it.
“I’ll look a little Frankenstein-ish, but I’ll be fully functional.” Meg and I chatted a while longer till Mom came back in the room. She really seemed like her old self.
After getting a much needed hug and saying bye to Meg, Mom and I ate a quick meal at the corner taco stand, then we headed to Jay’s. The sun had already disappeared for the day since winter was quickly approaching. The streetlamps had already turned on a cast their golden glow on the passerby’s below. Jay’s house had the lights on so it was easy to recognize the house. I hoped Jay was home. I felt fluttery and buzzy inside my body, like I had OD’d on adrenaline. Mom turned to me, “Want me to go with you?” I debated this for a moment. I could use her support but I was a big girl and felt strange going to the door with my mom.
“Could you just wait for me here in the car? I might be a few minutes.”
Mom nodded, then bent over and kissed my cheek, “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I walked toward the front door and felt so torn inside my body. Part of me wanted to run away and cower and never know why I had that terrible feeling, the other part of me stood tall and wanted to understand this. I willed my feet to move forward and managed to ring the bell. After two rings I heard footsteps. Soren answered the door.
“Brogen, what are you doing here?” He looked surprised to see me. He was dressed in a baggy t-shirt and some comfy lounge pants, more casual than his usual look at school. But there was more. Something was off, Soren seemed uncomfortable. Something bad had happened and he wasn’t prepared for giving me that news.
“Is Jay here?”
“Jay, yeah. Listen he is here but now is not a good time,” Soren said.
“Is he ok?” I was searching Soren for answers.
“Sure. Listen, I’ll let him know you came by and ask him to talk to you tomorrow. See ya’.” Soren shut the door. ‘Sure’, what kind of answer was that? If Jay was hurt, surely he’d say something other than ‘sure’. So at least I knew he was alive, but Soren didn’t give anything else away. I walked to the car. My mom looked at me puzzled.
“Well, he’s alive. But he couldn’t come to the door, so I don’t know.” I looked down at my hands that were twisting and turning with nerves.
“Well, not much more you can do then. Do you feel any better?”
“Just a little.”
“Listen, don’t dwell on it. He’s ok, we can figure the rest out later. Take a hot bath when we get home and hit the sack early. You’ve got to be exhausted from all that adrenaline,” Mom ordered. When we got home I did just as Mom suggested. I put on some music and made the water extra hot and sank deep into the hot tingles the water created all over my skin. I stayed in till the water cooled down. I was sufficiently pruned and needed some cream to replenish my wrinkled up skin. I brushed my teeth and put on my pjs. Then I sketched till I felt the draw of sleep. As I laid there drifting off, I thought of a fern frond, with each breath I envisioned the frond uncoiling and recoiling, uncoiling, recoiling, uncoiling…
The next day I made it to school a little early. My locker looked brand new, minus the ‘slut’ artwork. I wondered if my breakdown yesterday scared the staff into cleaning that off in record time? I took out my books and headed to Jay’s locker. I waited till the bell rang for first period but there was no Jay, so I headed to class, not caring that I was late. I took my seat and looked over, surprised to see Jay sitting at his desk. He didn’t look up and he wasn’t bantering with the guys around him. He looked off...like there was a black rain cloud over his head.
“Nice of you to join us Miss Sullivan. Would you mind opening your book so I could continue?” I was still looking at Jay - surprised that he still had not looked up.
“Yes, sorry Sir.” I hated being this close to Jay and not being able to ask if he was ok. I glanced at him several times in class, but unlike before, he never looked my way. He was like a turtle hiding in his shell. As class wrapped up I gathered my things slowly in hopes to bump into Jay on the way out of class. Unfortunately this backfired because he bolted out the door. I was beginning to suspect I wouldn’t see him at lunch with his avo
idance capabilities. What had changed? Did I do something wrong?
In the lunch line I saw Soren a few feet ahead of me. I excused myself in line and came up next to him. “Hey Soren. What the heck is up with Jay? He bolted out of first period superfast.”
“I don’t know Brogen, maybe he had to take a leak,” he suggested jokingly. “Listen, it’s not my deal, I can’t tell you anything, if you wanna’ know what’s up with Jay, you’re gonna’ have to ask him yourself. Not trying to be mean, it’s just not my deal to tell.” So there was something going on.
“Thanks and sorry to put you in the middle.”
I never saw Jay at lunch, but I did see him later in the day at his locker. I knew there was a swim meet after school so I called my mom to tell her I was attending it and would be home later. I packed up my bag and went to the restroom before heading to the aquatic building. I grabbed a seat near the floor so I could chat with Jay if the chance arose. But Jay wasn’t at the meet. I pulled one of his teammates aside and asked if they knew where he was. The swimmer said Jay quit the team earlier that day. What the heck? I walked home and found myself alone. Mom had patients tonight so I heated some leftovers and watched tv. I stared blankly at the screen and searched my mind for what could have happened to Jay. He went for some tests but he looked healthy, even swam on the school team, he’s not a troublemaker… Why would he quit the team? Maybe something happened to his dad? Ugh, I wish Soren would just tell me, or Jay would sit still long enough for me to ask him.