“You sure?” Raymond asked.
“Yes, Daddy. I’m sure. Thank you again for the offer.”
Her parents nodded. Danny finished her tea and they stood up to leave. Nicole noted her mother even hugged Danny farewell. The sight of Danny grabbing her busted guitar overshadowed that observation. While Danny might believe she needed to let the guitar go, clearly she wasn’t ready to do that yet. I need to think of some way to help her. To thank her for looking out for me and for being there for me. I have to be better for her.
Chapter Seventeen
NICOLE HAD NEVER BEEN so happy to be home. It was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold, snowy day. Haydn seemed to agree, running into the house as soon as they opened the door. He sniffled everything he could reach and ended up at the couch. He rubbed his face all over the cushions before settling down in the middle of the sofa. She smiled a bit from the sight, but that disappeared as she turned her attention to her lover.
Nicole watched Danny go into her music room, putting down her broken guitar. She placed it down with near reverence, as if it were a holy relic. Nicole wondered if Danny wasn’t ready to let go of her mother yet and that was why she was acting that way with the guitar, but she wasn’t ready to ask. Instead, she hugged Danny from behind and placed a kiss to her shoulder. Part of her feared her affection would be rejected. Surely, by now, Danny had figured out she was better off without Nicole.
“Baby, I really appreciate you defending me, even if I didn’t show it in the beginning,” Nicole whispered.
“I didn’t think you’d take it well in the beginning. You looked at her as a sister.”
Nicole sighed. “I did, but I know you very well, and I know what she was describing wasn’t you.”
“Thank you for believing me and for believing in me.”
Nicole had to swallow a lump in her throat. Since she was pressed against Danny, she was conscious of her breathing, making sure to keep it steady. She considered Danny might not be leaving her, so she needed to stand strong and not give her anxiety away. She needed to make it through this apology and conversation without breaking down.
“I really didn’t want to, because she was like my sister, and I love her so much, but she didn’t make any sense when she was trying to tell me why you hit her. I knew there was something wrong with her story. She made it seem like you punched her for no reason. You’re not like that. It takes a lot to make you hit someone.”
Danny reached up and ran her finger along Nicole’s knuckle. “Then thank you for having faith in me, too.”
Nicole smiled into Danny’s shoulder blade. “I love you. I love you so much, and I keep messing up. I wish I’d helped you when fucking Junior was hitting on you.”
“You were busy helping Lillian, and you didn’t know he was hitting me.”
“Which only makes me feel worse, considering I now know the type of person she is. You’re always there for me, and I should be there for you. You should be first, always.” She clutched onto Danny a little tighter.
Danny chuckled and patted her hand. “Chem, you’re here for me. Who the hell knows where I might be if it wasn’t for you, probably a park bench or something, and that’s if I’m lucky. I’d be drifting through life without you. Just drifting on the breeze. You take care of me, my love.”
“And you take care of me.”
“So, why does it always seem out of balance?” Danny seemed to wonder aloud. Grey eyes blinked, and her whole body tensed. “Shit, I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
Nicole smiled softly and caressed her beloved’s shoulders. “Yes, you did. Can we go sit down and talk about this?”
Danny sighed. “Sure, but can we also order food? I’m starving.”
“Of course, baby.”
While Danny went to the couch, Nicole ordered Jamaican takeout, a surprising favorite of her lover’s. She knew it wouldn’t make up for Danny’s injuries, but it’d bring her some comfort. She joined Danny on the sofa. Danny had Haydn in her lap, but released him back to the living room as soon as Nicole sat down.
Before she could say anything, Danny moved closer to her, touching their legs together. It lit hope in her heart, and she became more certain of herself and their relationship. She managed a small smile, which Danny returned.
“I’ll go first, okay?” Nicole wanted to get this out before she lost her nerve. Danny only nodded. Nicole took a deep breath. “I feel like…well, sometimes I feel like you love me more. You’re always there for me emotionally, no matter what happens, even if I screw up, and I seem to screw up a lot. You always have my back…and I feel like I don’t do that with you.”
Danny’s brow furrowed cutely. “Chem, it’s not a love contest.”
“I know, I know, but I feel like I don’t do enough for you, and when I do try to do things for you, they always end up wrong. I mean, look at this whole trip. I wanted you to have a good time and take away this amazing experience that we could share over and over again, but that didn’t work. You were treated poorly by nearly everyone there, and you endured it for me. I should’ve done more for you. I should’ve stopped Junior from hitting you, and I should’ve stopped him from breaking your guitar. Instead, I trusted he wouldn’t be an asshole. I trusted he’d only grabbed you off Lil, and I trusted that once I told him to leave your things alone, he would. I had too much faith in him, like I always have with people when you’re involved. I always trust that people will treat you right.”
Danny smiled and leaned down, pressing her forehead against Nicole’s. “Angel, don’t you understand that’s one of the things I love about you? I love that you have faith and trust and kindness inside of you. That warmth in you brought me here and held me tightly enough to get my life somewhat on track. I’m not blaming you for what Junior did. He’s responsible for his actions, not you. You stood up for me when he and Spider were being jerks and that’s good enough for me. You stood up for me.”
Tears filled Nicole’s eyes. “But, I didn’t protect you.”
Danny caressed her cheek, brushed back her hair behind her ear, and gave her a soft, quick kiss. “You did. Before I hit Lillian, Junior and Spider apologized to me and, hell, Spider accepted us. So, whatever you said to them, it was enough. What more do you want to do? Punch Junior for me?” She chuckled a bit.
Nicole smiled slightly. “It might’ve worked. I used to do it all the time when I was little.”
“Then you probably got him for me when you were little. Chem, it’s fine. I don’t expect you to hit anyone, any more than you really expect me to hit someone.”
“But, you would if push came to shove.”
Danny nodded. “But, it’d be a really last resort. The only reason I hit Lillian was because she seemed so proud to have told your boyfriend that you wanted to have anal sex, and he took her at her word rather than listening to you. He hurt you, and she’d goaded him into doing it. All the while, she was probably smiling in your face, knowing what idea she’d planted in his head, knowing she’d caused you some amount of trouble. That burned me up. She didn’t realize what her words had done…could’ve done worse.”
Nicole gulped because that incident could’ve been much worse. She hated thinking about it, and images flooded her on how different that moment could’ve gone, how much worse it could’ve been. He could’ve pinned her down and forced her. She wouldn’t have been able to stop him, as he was much larger and stronger than she was. The thought made her shiver, as she recalled how he accused her of lying and playing coy. She moved closer to Danny, wrapping her arms around her.
“You’re okay, Chem. It’s okay,” Danny whispered, returning the embrace.
“Danny, he…” She wanted to tell her beloved everything that happened, hoping that, somehow, Danny would magically be able to make it all go away.
“I don’t need the details until you’re ready. You told me what I needed to know, and I can fill in the rest. That’s why Lillian has a black eye now. I won’t let her, or anybody else,
hurt you and, if they somehow get past me the first time, I’ll put them on their ass the second time.”
Nicole couldn’t help laughing at the sentiment and then she curled even closer to Danny. “Thank you for sticking up for me.”
“Thank you for doing the same. Chem, never think you’re giving less emotionally. You’re the person who made me feel again. You brought music back to my world. What you’ve given me, it can’t even be measured. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have no self-respect, no home, no anything, and I wouldn’t even care. So, again, never think you’re giving less.”
Nicole nodded. While she knew that to be true, there were times when it didn’t feel like enough. There were times when she felt like all she could give Danny was material, but it was good to know Danny didn’t feel that way.
“It’s hard sometimes,” she admitted in a low voice.
“I know it is. Believe me, I know. ” Danny took a deep breath. “I wish I could do more for you, Nick. I feel bad making peanuts for an income. Can’t even take you to a nice restaurant without months of saving. I don’t have any skills to get a decent job, so I’m stuck.”
Nicole reached up and caressed Danny’s cheek. “Baby, I don’t need you to take me out to a nice restaurant. I like when you cook for me. You’re the only person I’ve ever dated who has done that for me. You show me more love and care than anyone I’ve ever dated. You have no idea how valued and loved you make me feel. If you want a job, please, by all means, get one, but don’t think I hold it against you that you don’t work full time. Besides, if it really bothers you, there’s always that trust fund Christine gave you.”
Danny made a face, which Nicole expected. When she had first discovered the trust fund, Danny insisted they share it and Danny decided she’d use the money on Nicole and Haydn. That lasted all of a week. Now, it was like pulling teeth to get Danny to even think about the trust fund because Danny thought it was a bribe, and she felt like, by spending the money, she was giving in to the bribe.
Of course, Nicole couldn’t figure out why Danny thought she was giving in to the bribe, considering Danny still barely gave her mother the time of day. It continued to be incredibly rare for Danny to take calls from Christine and, when she did, they barely spoke for two minutes. In fact, Danny barely spoke at all. Danny still seemed very confused about what she wanted, or didn’t want, from Christine.
“Danny, I feel like this is going to be an issue until you either accept that money isn’t going to break us apart or you get a job that fulfills you. Maybe you’re bored with housekeeping, and maybe you miss your music in a way that you can’t even figure out.”
Danny shrugged and ran her hand through her hair. “Dunno. I mean, tutoring…is…”
“Fun, but not what you really want to do. You have music inside of you, Danny, and you need to get it out beyond what you’re doing now. I think that’s why you always feel so restless, and why you feel like you’re not enough. You need to do something more with your music and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Grey eyes glanced down, but Danny nodded. “Should I try to get more gigs or something then?”
“Only you can answer that question. Just think about it, okay?”
Danny nodded once more. They remained cuddled up and quiet for a few minutes. Nicole took Danny’s bandaged hand and traced her lover’s fingers. She hoped they’d heal perfectly, as Danny did need to let her music out, somehow, and Nicole doubted having two less than fully functioning hands would help.
“My mom actually bandaged you up. She approved of what you did?” Nicole guessed, fingertips gliding over Danny’s bandages.
“She did.”
Nicole sighed. “They don’t like her much either, you know?”
“She was telling me.”
“She doesn’t think I know. She wanted me to get along with them, because they’re my family and I have cousins my age. She knows we have fun, but I could tell when she was around them. I knew the adults didn’t like her much from when I was really little. I couldn’t understand it. I still don’t understand it. I mean, I know my mother can be difficult to get along with, but I’ve never even seen them try to get along with her to find out that she’s difficult. Did she tell you why?”
“Just that they think she changed your father, for the worse in their opinions. But, that’s history there. You’ll have to ask her.”
Nicole nodded, even though she knew her mother would never tell her. “She’s overprotective of me and likes to keep me in the dark about things.”
Danny could only agree with that. “She wants to keep you safe. She doesn’t like seeing you hurt.”
A giggle escaped before Nicole could stop it. “Oh, my God, you two really bonded, huh?”
Danny put a hand through her hair, but a small smile played on her lips. Nicole moved closer, putting her legs over Danny’s. They shared a soft, brief kiss. They were okay, yet again. I hope we don’t have to keep going through shit like this. I don’t think my nerves can take it.
They went back to being silent. After their food arrived, they turned on the television and found a movie. Nicole poured Haydn some food to keep him from bothering them, and they relaxed for the rest of the day. Soon, Danny started nodding off, and Nicole felt the same way.
“Baby, c’mon, let’s go take a quick shower and go to bed,” Nicole said in a gentle tone, giving her lover a soft caress to keep her awake enough to make it upstairs.
Danny only nodded, and they climbed the stairs to their bedroom. Haydn followed. They didn’t typically let him sleep in the bedroom, but after such a trying and tiring ordeal, it was fine. They took a quick shower together and collapsed into bed with Haydn already sleeping at the foot.
***
Dane awoke in the middle of the night and was tempted to get up, feeling an urge to check on her guitar. It’s still broken. There’s no reason to check on it. It’s broken, like your relationship with the person who gave it to you. Why the hell do you care, anyway? You don’t care about Christine.
She hated to think her trouble with the guitar was that she still did care about Christine. After going through all that trouble with Nicole’s family, she felt like she should care even less, not more. There were people out there who didn’t deserve the love, attention, and affection that someone might offer them. Lillian didn’t deserve it. Christine didn’t deserve it.
The guitar should’ve been thrown out years ago. She shouldn’t have dragged it around like a physical hope that, one day, all would be well. She had burdened herself with that hope, burdened herself with a desire that Christine didn’t even deserve. Her mind traveled back to earlier in the day, when Kathleen had showed her kindness and affection, when Kathleen thanked her for her actions.
Dane sighed and ran her hands through her hair. “I want a mother.” This was why she couldn’t let the guitar go, let Christine go. The small child in her still desired a mother. Honestly, she wanted parents. She wished she’d had someone who took her on camping trips, taught her how to fish, made her keep her door open as a teenager, and wanted to be part of her life. The way Raymond had spoken to her, patted her on the back, and was polite to her, why couldn’t she have a father like that?
“Hard to believe I didn’t really like the guy when I met him, and I know he didn’t like me. Time does change things,” she murmured. Well, sometimes it changed things. Her own father had only gotten worse with time, even after she’d helped save his life after his stroke.
Sighing, she ran her hand through her hair. This issue seemed to plague her more often than it ever had, and she really wished she could settle it. The Wolfes weren’t her family. Blood meant nothing. She had come to that conclusion on the trip. But, still she wanted something that resembled a family.
Yes, she had Nicole and Haydn. They were immediate family, and she’d build on that, but she wanted more. She wanted people she could call up and talk to about things, someone with more experience than herself and Crow, her current go-to fo
untain of wisdom. There was Terri, who, on occasion, gave decent relationship advice. She suspected she might be able to go to Raymond and Kathleen, but she wouldn’t be able to talk to them about Nicole.
She frowned briefly before Nicole moved against her, disturbing her thoughts. Nicole remained asleep, but snuggled closer to her. Dane smiled and wondered why at her happiest, she was still unsatisfied with some aspects of her life. She had more than she had ever had emotionally, but it still felt like a huge section of her was missing.
Doesn’t make any sense. I don’t make any sense. Dane sighed, but she continued to smile. She wondered if Nicole was right. Maybe she felt unfulfilled without true music in her life. Teaching and writing wasn’t enough for her. “But, that’s not going to give me this family thing I seem to be longing for.”
Although once upon a time, her band was her family. They offered her things the Wolfes never gave her, praised her for her ability, and, unfortunately, encouraged her worse habits. Still, they never belittled her or hurt her, not counting Bryan anyway. So, maybe there was a connection. They made her feel like she was a part of something and that she could count on them if the chips were down. Of course, that was sort of an illusion, as she really couldn’t count on anyone when the chips were down, until Nicole anyway. But, it had felt like something, something worthwhile.
“Or maybe it’s two in the morning and I’m tired out of my mind. Might need another painkiller,” Dane mumbled. Nicole had placed a pill by her side of the bed and a glass of water. She downed both, settled back into her pillow, and was asleep soon after.
***
It wasn’t a surprise that they slept in. Thankfully, it was Sunday. Haydn seemed to sense things were rough on them because, even though he was awake, he wasn’t whining for anything. He had made it his business to climb higher on the bed at some point during the night, ending up on Nicole’s legs, which Nicole would’ve scolded him for any other day. Instead, she rubbed under his chin and glanced over at Danny, who was still asleep.
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