by Jean M. Auel
What would it be like to show the Mother's Gift of Pleasure to a woman with no pretenses? Who would neither hold back nor feign enjoyment?
Why should she be any different from any other woman at First Rites? Because she's not like any other woman at First Rites. She has been opened, with great pain. What if you can't overcome that terrible beginning? What if she can't enjoy the Pleasures, what if you can't make her feel them? I wish there was some way to make her forget. If I could draw her to me, overcome her resistance and capture her spirit.
Capture her spirit?
He looked at the figure in his hand, and suddenly his mind was racing. Why did they grave the image of an animal on a weapon, or on the Sacred Walls? To approach the mother-spirit of it, to overcome her resistance and capture the essence.
Don't be ridiculous, Jondalar. You can't capture Ayla's spirit that way. It wouldn't be right, no one puts a face on a donii. Humans were never pictured – a likeness might capture a spirit's essence. But to whom would it be captive?
No one should hold another person's spirit captive. Give the donii to her! She'd have her spirit back then, wouldn't she? If you kept it just for a while, then gave it to her… afterward.
If you put her face on it, would it turn her into a donii? You almost think she is one, with her healing, and her magic way with animals. If she's a donii, she might decide to capture your spirit. Would that be so bad?
You want a piece to stay with you, Jondalar. The piece of the spirit that always stays in the hands of the maker. You want that part of her, don't you?
O Great Mother, tell me, would it be such a terrible thing to do? To put her face on a donii?
He stared at the small ivory figure he had carved. Then he took up a burin and began to carve the shape of a face, a familiar face.
When it was done, he held the ivory figurine up and turned it around slowly. A real carver might have done it better, but it wasn't bad. It resembled Ayla, but more in the feeling than the actual likeness; his feeling of her. He went back inside the cave and tried to think of a place to put it. The donii should be nearby, but he didn't want her to see it, yet. He saw a bundle of leather wrapped up near the wall by her bed, and he tucked the ivory figure in a flap of it.
He went back out and looked off the far edge. What's taking her so long? He looked over the two bison that were laid out side by side. They would keep. The spears and spear throwers were leaning against the stone wall near the entrance. He picked them up and carried them into the cave, and then he heard the sound of gravel pattering on stone. He turned around.
Ayla adjusted the tie on her new wrap, put her amulet round her neck, and pushed her hair, just brushed with teasel but not quite dry, back from her face. Picking up her soiled wrap, she started up the path. She was nervous, and excited.
She had an idea of what Jondalar meant by First Rites, but she was touched because of his desire to do it for her and share it with her. She didn't think the ceremony would be too bad – even Broud hadn't hurt after the first few times. If men gave the signal to women they liked, did it mean Jondalar had grown to care?
As she neared the top, Ayla was startled out of her thoughts by a tawny blur of swift motion.
"Stay back!" Jondalar shouted. "Stay back, Ayla! It's a cave lion!"
He was at the mouth of the cave, a spear in his hand poised for throwing at a huge cat, crouched, ready to spring, a deep snarl rumbling in his throat.
"No, Jondalar!" Ayla screamed, rushing between them. "No!"
"Ayla don't! O Mother, stop her!" the man cried when she jumped in front of him, in the path of the charging lion.
The woman made a sharp, imperative motion, and in the guttural language of the Clan, shouted, "Stop!"
The huge rufous-maned cave lion, with a wrenching twist, pulled his leap short and landed at the woman's feet. Then he rubbed his massive head against her leg. Jondalar was thunderstruck.
"Baby! Oh, Baby. You came back," Ayla said in motions, and without hesitation, without the least fear, she wrapped her arms around the huge lion's neck.
Baby knocked her over, as gently as he could, and Jondalar watched with mouth agape while the biggest cave lion he had ever seen draped forepaws around the woman in the closest equivalent to an embrace he could imagine a lion to be capable of. The feline lapped salty tears from the woman's face with a tongue that rasped it raw.
"That's enough, Baby," she said, sitting up, "or I won't have a face left."
She found the places behind his ears and around his mane that he loved to have scratched. Baby rolled over on his back to bare his throat to her ministrations, growling a deep rumble of contentment.
"I didn't think I'd ever see you again, Baby," she said when she stopped and the cat rolled over. He was bigger than she remembered, and though a bit thin, seemed healthy. He had scars she hadn't seen before, and she thought he might be fighting for territory, and winning. It filled her with pride. Then Baby noticed Jondalar again, and snarled.
"Don't snarl at him! That's the man you brought me. You have a mate… I think you must have many by now." The lion got up, turned his back to the man, and padded toward the bison.
"Is it all right if we give him one?" she called over to Jondalar. "We really have too much."
He still held the spear in his hand, standing in the mouth of the cave, stunned. He tried to answer, but only a squeak came out. Then he recovered his voice. "All right? You're asking me if it's all right? Give him both of them. Give him anything he wants!"
"Baby doesn't need both of them." Ayla used the word for his name in the language Jondalar didn't know, but he guessed it was a name. "No, Baby! Don't take the heifer," she said in sounds and gestures the man still didn't quite perceive as language, but elicited a gasp from him when she took one bison away from the lion and shoved him toward the other. He clamped huge jaws around the severed neck of the young bull and pulled it away from the edge. Then, getting a better grip, he started down the familiar path.
"I'll be right back, Jondalar," she said. "Whinney and Racer might be down there, and I don't want Baby to scare the colt."
Jondalar watched the woman follow behind the lion until she was out of sight. She appeared again on the valley side of the wall, walking casually beside the lion who was dragging the bison under his body between his legs.
When they reached the large boulder, Ayla stopped and hugged the lion again. Baby dropped the bison, and Jondalar shook his head in disbelief when he saw the woman climb on the fierce predator's back. She lifted an arm and flung it forward, and held on to the rufous mane while the huge feline leaped forward. He raced off with all his great speed, Ayla clinging tight, her hair streaming behind her. Then he slowed and turned back to the stone.
He got a grip on the young bison again and dragged it down the valley. Ayla stayed by the large rock, watching after him. Far down the field, the lion dropped the bull once more. He began a series of speaking grunts, his familiar hnga, hnga, and built up to a roar so loud that it shook Jondalar's bones.
When the cave lion was gone, Jondalar took a deep breath and leaned against the wall, feeling weak. He was awestruck, and a little fearful. What is this woman? he thought. What kind of magic does she have? Birds, maybe. Even horses. But a cave lion? The biggest cave lion he'd ever seen?
Was she a… donii? Who but the Mother could make animals do her bidding? What about her healing powers? Or her phenomenal ability to speak so well already? For all that she had an unusual accent, she had learned most of his Mamutoi, and some words in Sharamudoi. Was she an aspect of the Mother?
He heard her coming up the path and felt a shiver of fear. He half expected her to declare she was the Great Earth Mother incarnate, and he would have believed it. He saw a woman with disheveled hair and tears rolling down her face.
"What's wrong?" he asked, tenderness overcoming his imagined fears.
"Why do I have to lose my babies?" she sobbed.
He paled. Her babies? That lion was her baby? Wi
th a shock, he remembered a feeling of the Mother crying, the Mother of all.
"Your babies?"
"First Durc, and then Baby."
"Is that a name for the lion?"
"Baby? It means little one, infant," she answered, trying to translate.
"Little one!" he snorted. "That's the biggest cave lion I've ever seen!"
"I know." A smile of maternal pride gleamed through her tears. "I always made sure he had enough to eat, not like pride cubs. But when I found him, he was little. I called him Baby and never got around to naming him anything else."
"You found him?" Jondalar asked, still hesitant.
"He'd been left for dead. I think a deer trampled him. I was chasing them into my pit trap. Brun used to let me bring little animals into the cave sometimes, if they were hurt and needed my help, but never meat-eating animals. I wasn't going to pick up that baby cave lion, but then the hyenas went after him. I chased them away with my sling and brought him back."
Ayla's eyes took on a faraway look and her mouth assumed a lopsided grin. "Baby was so funny when he was little, always making me laugh. But it took a lot of time to hunt for him until the second winter, when we learned to hunt together. All of us, Whinney, too. I haven't seen Baby since…" She suddenly realized when.
"Oh, Jondalar, I am so sorry. Baby is the lion that killed your brother. But if it had been any other lion, I would not have been able to get you away from him."
"You are a donii!" Jondalar exclaimed. "I saw you in my dream! I thought a donii had come to take me to the next world, but she made the lion leave instead."
"You must have revived a little, Jondalar. Then when I moved you, you probably passed out from the pain. I had to get you away in a hurry. I knew Baby wouldn't hurt me – he's a little rough at times, but he doesn't mean to be. He can't help it. But I didn't know when his lioness would be back."
The man was shaking his head in wonder and disbelief. "Did you really hunt with that lion?"
"It was the only way I could keep him fed. At first, before he was able to make a kill himself, he'd bring an animal down and I'd ride up on Whinney and kill it with a spear. I didn't know about throwing spears then. When Baby got big enough to make the kill, sometimes I'd take a piece before he chewed it up, or else I'd want to save the hide…"
"So you pushed him away, like that bison? Don't you know it's dangerous to take meat away from a lion? I've seen one kill its own cub for that!"
"So have I. But Baby is different, Jondalar. He wasn't raised in a pride. He grew up here, with Whinney and me. We hunted together – he's used to sharing with me. I'm glad he found a lioness, though, so he can live like a lion. Whinney went back to a herd for a while, but she wasn't happy and came back…"
Ayla shook her head and looked down. "That's not true. I want to believe it. I think she was happy with her herd and her stallion. I was not happy without her. I am so glad she was willing to come back after her stallion died."
Ayla picked up the soiled wrap and headed into the cave. Jondalar, noticing he was still holding the spear, leaned it against the wall and followed. Ayla was pensive. Baby's return had evoked so many memories. She looked at the bison roast, turned the spit, and stirred up the coals. Then she poured water into a cooking basket from the large onager-stomach waterbag that was hanging on a post, and she put some cooking stones in the fire to heat.
Jondalar just watched her, still dazed by the cave lion's visit. It had been shock enough to see the lion leap down to the ledge, but the way Ayla had stepped out in front of him and stopped the massive predator… no one would believe it.
As he stared, he had the feeling something was different about her. Then he noticed her hair was down. He remembered the first time he saw her with her hair free, gleaming golden in the sun. She had come up from the beach, and he had seen her, all of her, for the first time with her hair down and her magnificent body.
"…good to see Baby again. Those bison must have been in his territory. He probably scented the kill, then picked up our trail. He was surprised to see you. I don't know if he remembered you. How did you get trapped in that blind canyon?"
"Wha…? I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I was wondering how you and your brother got trapped in that canyon with Baby," she said, looking up. Luminous violet eyes were watching her, sending a flush to her face.
With an effort he focused his mind on her question. "We were stalking a deer. Thonolan killed it, but a lioness had been after the same one. She dragged it away and Thonolan went after it. I told him to let her have it, but he wouldn't listen. We saw the lioness go into the cave, and then leave. Thonolan thought he could get the spear back, and some of the meat before she returned. The lion had other ideas."
Jondalar closed his eyes for a moment. "I can't blame him. It was stupid to go after that lioness, but I couldn't stop him. He was always reckless, but after Jetamio died, he was more than reckless. He wanted to die. I suppose I shouldn't have gone after him, either."
Ayla knew he still sorrowed for his brother and changed the subject. "I didn't see Whinney in the field. She must be out on the steppes with Racer. She's been going there lately. The way you fixed those straps around Racer's head worked well, but I don't know if it was necessary to keep him tied to Whinney."
"The rope was too long. I didn't think it might be caught in a bush. It held them, though. That might be something to remember, if you want them to stay someplace. At least Racer. Does Whinney always do what you want?"
"I guess she does, but it's more like she wants to. She knows what I want, and she does it. Baby just takes me where he wants to go, but he goes so fast." Her eyes sparkled with the memory of her recent ride. It was always a thrill to ride the lion.
Jondalar recalled her clinging to the back of the cave lion, her hair, more golden than the reddish mane, flying in the wind. Watching her had made him afraid for her, but it was exciting – as she was. So wild and free, so beautiful…
"You're an exciting woman, Ayla," he said. His eyes carried his conviction.
"Exciting? Exciting is… the spear thrower, or riding fast on Whinney… or Baby, is that right?" She was flustered.
"Right. And so is Ayla exciting, to me… and beautiful."
"Jondalar, you are making a joke. A flower is beautiful or the sky when the sun drops over the edge. I am not beautiful."
"Can't a woman be beautiful?"
She turned aside from the intensity of his look. "I… I don't know. But I am not beautiful. I am… big and ugly."
Jondalar got up and, taking her hand, urged her up too. "Now, who is bigger?"
He was overpowering standing so close. He had shaved his face again, she noticed. The short beard hairs could only be seen up close. She wanted to touch his rough-smooth face, and his eyes made her feel they could reach inside her.
"You are," she said, softly.
"Then you are not too big, are you? And you are not ugly, Ayla." He smiled, but she only knew it because his eyes showed it. "It's funny, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen thinks she's ugly."
Her ears heard, but she was too lost in the eyes that held her, too moved by her body's response, to notice his words. She saw him bend closer, then put his mouth on hers, and she felt him put his arms around her and draw her close.
"Jondalar," she breathed. "I like that… mouth on mouth."
"Kiss," he said. "I think it's time, Ayla." He took her hand and led her toward the sleeping furs.
"Time?"
"First Rites," he said.
They sat down on the furs. "What kind of ceremony is it?"
"It is the ceremony that makes a woman. I can't tell you all about it. The older women tell a girl what to expect and that it may hurt, but that it is necessary to open the passage for her to become a woman. They choose the man for it. Men want to be chosen, but some are afraid."
"Why are they afraid?"
"They're afraid they will hurt a woman, afraid they will be clumsy, afraid they
won't be able, that their woman-maker won't rise."
"That means a man's organ? It has so many names."
He thought of all the names, many vulgar or humorous. "Yes, it has many names."
"What is the real name?"
"Manhood, I guess," he said after a moment's thought, "the same as for a man, but 'woman-maker' is another."
"What happens if the manhood won't rise?"
"Another man has to be brought in – it's very embarrassing. But most men want to be chosen for a woman's first time."
"Do you like being chosen?"
"Yes."
"Are you chosen often?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Jondalar smiled and wondered if all her questions were the result of curiosity or nervousness. "I think because I like it. A woman's first time is special to me."
"Jondalar, how can we have a ceremony of First Rites? I am past my first time, I am already open."
"I know, but there is more to First Rites than just opening."
"I don't understand. What more can there be?"
He smiled again, then leaned closer and put his mouth on hers. She leaned toward him, but was startled when his mouth opened and she felt his tongue try to reach inside her mouth. She backed off.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Don't you like it?" His forehead creased with consternation.
"I don't know."
"Do you want to try again and see?" Slow down, he said to himself. Don't rush this. "Why don't you lie back and relax?"
He pushed her with gentle pressure, then stretched out beside her, resting on one elbow. He looked down at her, then put his mouth on hers again. He waited until her tension was gone, then lightly flicked his tongue along her lips. He lifted up and saw her mouth smiling and her eyes closed. When she opened them, he bent to kiss her again. She strained to reach him. He kissed with more pressure, and an open mouth. When his tongue sought entrance, she opened her mouth to receive it.
"Yes," she said. "I think I like it."
Jondalar grinned. She was questioning, tasting, testing, and he was pleased she had not found him wanting.