Every ounce of his being cried out yes! But John shook his head. “We’ve already said our goodbyes. Why prolong the pain?”
“Then ye do love her?”
John frowned at him. “What I feel for her makes no difference. I’m exiled.”
“But perhaps not permanently.”
“That doesna matter. I willna drag her from place to place, ruin her future with the taint of my past. She deserves a better life than that.”
They arrived at the docks, and Philip didn’t say anything else while they unloaded the carriage, took everything aboard, and got John settled in a cabin.
“Do ye think having Ramsay as her husband is what she deserves then?” Philip said, continuing their conversation as though they’d never stopped talking.
“Of course not. I left the evidence against him. And I’ll do my utmost to bring him down before a marriage between them ever takes place. I may be banished from court but I still have some connections. And perhaps now that their smuggling empire is exposed, by rumor if not by law, the union will no longer be so advantageous to either party.”
The cabin was tiny, with hardly any room to move. It definitely wasn’t built with two large Highlanders in mind.
Philip stared at him until John snapped, “What?”
“I dinna believe Ramsay will let matters as they are stand much longer. Frankly, I’m surprised he hasna dragged her off to church already. Can ye really leave her to that fate?”
“Can I really take her from it? To what? Dinna ye think I havena thought this through? I had little else to do in that prison cell than go over every detail of every plan I could think of. None of them end well for her. What if she were hurt? I dinna ken where I will end up yet. How can I ask her to live a life of such uncertainty and danger?”
“But if ye love her…”
“Aye, all right ye wee prickling bastard. I love her. It is because I love her that I refuse to drag her into the mess my life has become. She deserves better than that. Better than me.”
“Perhaps she should be the judge of that.”
John gritted his teeth until his jaw cracked. “No. I’ll no’ have her risking herself for me. It’s over, Philip.” He sat on the narrow bunk and took a deep breath, the salt air reviving him a bit. “She’s feisty, resourceful. She’ll manage until we can find out what Fergus is up to and put a stop to him once and for all.”
John meant what he said. He couldn’t subject Elizabet to such an uncertain life. If she would even want it. He’d asked her to betray her own father. And she’d rightly condemned him for it. Even if she couldn’t shoot him.
But…he couldn’t leave her completely unprotected. “Watch over her for me, Philip, aye? Send word if she truly needs me.”
Philip nodded his head. “Aye, my friend. I will.”
John’s gut twisted. He should be the one ensuring Elizabet’s safety. But he’d done enough harm to her, enough damage to her life. He’d not make things worse. And if there was anyone he trusted near as much as himself or Malcolm, it was Philip. He would watch over her until John could do so again.
He rubbed at his chest, trying like a child might to ease the ache within.
Maybe, someday, it would work.
…
A knock sounded on her door, and Elizabet sighed. “I’m not hungry,” she said, hoping whoever it was went away.
The door opened, and Elizabet pinned the intruder with a furious gaze. Alice patted her hand again, and a twinge of guilt ran through her at the fearful hesitation in her maid’s eyes. She’d never been cross with Lucy before. But she had no wish to be disturbed, and Lucy had been made well aware of that fact.
“Pardon, my lady. But there is a visitor downstairs…”
“I wish to see no one. Send them away.”
“My lady, forgive me, but I think you’ll want to see this person.”
Elizabet was about to send the maid away, but curiosity got the better of her. “Why is that?”
“He didn’t come to the front door, my lady. He came to the kitchens and asked for me. He said to tell you,” she frowned as though trying to remember the exact words, “his name is Philip and that you have a mutual friend of whom he has news.”
Elizabet was already pushing past Lucy, the tiny flame of hope in her heart bursting into an inferno. “Where is he, Lucy?”
“Waiting in the kitchens, my lady.”
Elizabet didn’t waste time with any more questions. She flew down the back stairs, skirts bundled in her arms, Alice close on her heels. When she saw Philip in the kitchen she stopped short. He was thinner, pale, with dark circles beneath his eyes. He hadn’t had an easy time of it. But he was there, free. And smiling.
“My lady,” he said, removing his hat as he bowed. Then he bowed to Alice, his eyes lingering.
“You have news?” she prompted. She knew she should probably ask after him. He’d been taken, along with John. But she couldn’t wait for social niceties.
Philip’s gaze flickered back to her, and he nodded. “He is to be exiled.”
Relief and pain flooded through Elizabet with such force her knees gave way, and she sank into the chair Philip had vacated. He would live. But…exile. He would leave England, would never return. She would never see him again. She hadn’t thought it possible for her heart to break more than it already had, yet the pain struck her sharp and deep. She clung to the thought of his face, smiling down at her.
“He asked me to give ye this,” Philip said, handing her a letter.
“Thank you.” She took it and held it close to her bosom. She’d wait until she was in the privacy of her own room before she read it.
“I must leave, my lady. My laird departs with the tide.”
Elizabet’s gaze shot to his. “So soon?”
“Aye. The king felt it best that he be gone as soon as possible. Hoping it will appease his enemies, I believe.”
“Where will he be going?” She wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Would it help to know where he would be? Or make it worse?
“Oh, France at first. From there, my laird hasna quite made up his mind. Seems right lost, truth be told. And it could be a long, lonely journey for a man on his own. Though he does have a private cabin on the ship. It’s small, to be sure, but I’m sure there is room if he were to find a companion…”
Her heart pounded in her chest, and she looked around the kitchen to see if they could be overheard. Lucy stood nearby, ensuring their privacy. Alice’s eyes were so wide her brows were nearly to her hairline.
Elizabet turned back to Philip. “He said he wants me to join him?”
“He didna specifically say so, no. However,” he said, before Elizabet could despair too much, “he is an honorable man. He would never suggest ye leave the comfort of yer home for an unknown life with an outlaw. No matter how much he may want ye with him. Especially when he believes ye hate him for what he asked ye to do.”
Elizabet sank back in her chair. He wanted her. That’s all she needed to know. “Thank you, Philip.”
He doffed his hat again and turned to leave. “A few hours, my lady. No more.”
She nodded, understanding his unspoken warning. She didn’t have much time to make the most important decision of her life.
The second the door closed, Alice whisked her back upstairs, locking the bedroom door behind them.
“Well?” she asked.
Elizabet stared at her, silent, her mind a whirl of emotion.
“Bess! What will you do?”
She shook herself out of it. There was no time to wallow in the storm raging within.
“I haven’t much time. I’ll need your help if I’m to leave without my father knowing. At this time of day, we are lucky. He won’t be home for a few more hours and Mother…”
“Elizabet.” Alice took her hands and gently pushed her into a chair. “I know you are overwhelmed with everything, and you probably can’t think of anything more than John not being sentenced to hang.”
She tried to stand back up. “Well, of course…”
“Please, think things through before you make a decision you can’t change.”
Elizabet stared at her, openmouthed.
“I will help you in any way I can, no matter what you choose,” Alice promised, “but I want to be sure you are making this decision rationally. If you leave with him, there is no turning back.”
Sitting in that chair to calmly consider her options went against everything in her heart. Her hands trembled with the need to run out the door after Philip and not stop until she was back in John’s arms.
“What is there to think about, Alice? I love him.”
“I know, my dear. And if you choose to run away with him, I will do whatever is in my power to ease your way. But consider what that will mean. Can you leave your home, live as an outlaw? Always looking over your shoulder? Penniless, if the Crown seizes his estates as they most likely will?”
“Why are you asking me this?”
Alice leaned forward. “Because I want you to truly consider the price you might have to pay.”
“I would be with the man I love.”
“Yes. But you haven’t known him long. And he is, in fact, a highwayman. A criminal, no matter what his motivations. Can you trust him? How would you live? What if you were to have children? Can you really give up this life and all you’ve known for him?”
Elizabet didn’t answer right away. Part of her was angry at Alice’s questioning. I love him! What else mattered?
But despite what she might be feeling, Alice was right. As miserable as her future might be if she stayed at home, it was certain, at least. Fergus would be intolerable, but eventually she might find a way to fight back. Perhaps be of some use to John instead of the hindrance she would probably be if she joined him. Give him some part of the justice he craved. She still wouldn’t worsen her mother’s lot by betraying her father. But Fergus…she’d give him up in a heartbeat.
With John…she would never know what the next day would hold. Exciting, in some aspects. But the thought of so much left to the fates or chance made her stomach curdle into knots.
And Alice was right. She didn’t know him well. If at all. Did she really love him? Or merely the idea of him?
But then other images came to her mind. Other memories. His eyes crinkling with merriment. The man would probably joke if they draped the noose over his neck. Elizabet flinched away from that thought, shoved it to the deep, dark recesses of her mind. She focused on other things. His strength, his loyalty. The sound of his voice…gruff or cultured, depending on the situation, but always his. His touch on her skin. His whispered words of love as he held her. His willingness to give up his own life for her, again and again.
Running away with him…she’d lose some things, yes. But she’d have him. Forever. And that thought made her heart sing.
“Yes, I can,” she finally answered. “If I had to live without him, if I had no choice but to let him go, I’d find a way to go on. I would keep breathing. But little else, I think. I do have a choice, though. And I choose not to lose him. I won’t allow him to slip away and leave me. When the soldiers came…he wouldn’t leave me. Not even to save his own life. I’m not going to leave him. He is my life.”
Alice smiled. “Well then. I think we have some packing to do.”
Elizabet laughed, her heart lighter than it had been since John had first been taken. She would be with him again. Soon. And this time, no one would separate them.
Chapter Sixteen
Elizabet stood on the dock, mesmerized by the waves that pounded in time with her heart. She took a deep breath and licked the salt from her lips. Whether it came from the sea spraying on her face or from her tears, she didn’t know. Leaving Alice had been gut-wrenching. She had been her closest friend and confidante for so many years. The thought of not seeing her again, perhaps ever, was a bitter sadness. But the thought of turning around and going back to her life as though nothing had happened was intolerable. She would miss Alice, desperately. But she couldn’t bear to be without John.
“Are you coming aboard, my lady?”
Elizabet looked up at the crewman who’d addressed her and stepped onto the gangplank, pointing to her trunk. “I—”
“No, she is not.”
Elizabet looked up. She met John’s furious gaze and thrust her chin in the air. She’d known he would object. He was too protective of her by far.
“Oh yes I am.” She tried to pass him, but John blocked her path.
“Elizabet.” His harsh whisper nearly broke her heart, but she wouldn’t let it deter her. In fact, it made her more determined than ever.
The crewman looked back and forth between the two of them. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“Aye.”
“No.” They answered at the same time.
Elizabet thrust her satchel into the man’s hands. “Please put my bag in my husband’s cabin.”
She flushed hotly at John’s surprised intake of breath but forced herself to keep eye contact with the young crewman until he bobbed his hat at her and scurried back on board. She tried to shoulder past John, but he grabbed her arm.
“I dinna ken what ye think ye are doing, but I’m not going to allow ye to throw away yer life to come traipsing along with me.”
“I’ve never traipsed in my life, thank you very much. And I’m not throwing away my life, Jack. I’m living it, for once.”
“Elizabet—”
She rounded on him, her desperation to be with him melting into a frantic anger. “You won’t change my mind,” she said. She stuck her finger in his face like a nursemaid scolding her charge. “I’m not going to lose you again, do you hear me? If I have to follow you to the ends of the earth, then so be it. But I will never go through that again.”
John stared at her and then slowly brought his hand up to cup her face. “My brave, sweet, beautiful lass.” He leaned down and kissed her so gently her heart nearly broke all over again. “Ye do me great honor.”
Elizabet smiled. “Then let’s go aboard, my love. Our future awaits.”
She climbed onto the tilting deck of the ship, grateful for the firm grip John kept on her arm. He steered her to where the crewman had disappeared with her bag, drawing her in to whisper in her ear. “Ye told the crewman to place yer belongings in my cabin, which creates something of a problem.”
“What problem? I know that I’m not truly your wife yet, but no one needs to know.”
He smiled. “Well, aye, that would be wise, however that was not the problem I meant.”
“Which would be?”
John stopped in front of a narrow door and opened it. “This is what I meant.”
Elizabet crammed her skirts through the door of the tiny cabin and looked around. Light poured in through a porthole. A small desk and chair were against another wall. John’s trunk with her trunk atop it sat beside the desk and opposite everything was a very small, very narrow bed. Her eyes lingered on the bunk. John crowded in behind her and shut the door. Suddenly, all Elizabet was aware of was the heat of him against her and the fact that they would be crammed together in this very tiny cabin for several days, at least. Alone.
“Now do ye understand?” he asked.
She shivered at his breath on her neck and leaned back against him. “No. I still don’t understand the problem.”
“Don’t ye?” He turned her around, his hands gripping her arms.
Elizabet licked her lips and prayed she could keep her voice steady when she answered him. “Well, the space is very limited to be sure, but I’m certain we’ll manage.”
John’s chuckle filled the tiny space. “Ye must think me made of iron if ye believe I am strong enough to keep myself from ye when we will be forced to share such close quarters.”
It was Elizabet’s turn to look surprised. “The thought never crossed my mind.”
John pulled her even closer and leaned in to nip at her earlobe. “Nay?”
�
��We have…indulged before,” she said, putting her hands on his chest to keep some distance between them. “I don’t expect, or want, you to keep yourself from me.”
John’s hold on her tightened. “Aye, but I didna wish to presume I ken yer mind on the matter. Succumbing in the heat of passion is quite different from choosing such…recreations, without the benefit of a priest.”
Elizabet laughed quietly. “Well, I admit, I have been spending a fair amount of time with a notorious outlaw. I may have picked up a few bad habits.”
“Is that so? What sorts of things did this brigand teach ye?”
Elizabet smiled slowly and leaned in to him. “I’m afraid it would be utterly inappropriate to share that with anyone but my husband.”
“Ah, so ye still want to marry me?” He leaned down and brushed his lips across hers.
She shivered and rose on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss. His arms wrapped around her waist, lifting her off her feet. The sudden lurch of the ship knocked them off-balance, and they bumped into the door of the cabin. She laughed and then took his beloved face in her hands. “Of course, I still want to marry you,” she murmured against his lips.
“Well then. We can quietly take the captain aside, once we are safely out to sea, and ask him to marry us. Or we can wait until we reach France and marry there. Whatever happens between us before we get there makes no difference.”
“Because you are my husband.”
“And you are my wife.”
“The actual ceremony might have to wait a bit, that’s all,” Elizabet said with a laugh.
John gave her a slow, smoldering smile. “I love ye, Elizabet Harding.”
“That would be Elizabet MacGregor, if you please.”
He leaned forward and kissed her. “I pray ye dinna ever regret choosing me.”
“I’d never!”
“It may not be an easy life, Elizabet. We won’t be able to return. Charles could only help me so far. I maintain some of my smaller holdings in Scotland, but my lands in England are forfeit. We may be able to return to Scotland one day. But even that may be too close for comfort. Will ye be happy never returning home?”
“My home is with the man I love. I will gladly take remote hideaways, flying bullets, and all the uncertainty that has come with loving you, as long as I can lie in your arms every night and wake to you every morning. I will never regret choosing you.”
How to Ensnare a Highlander (The MacGregor Lairds) Page 17